Mystery Science Theater 1000!
by Hardman 5509
Summary: Yuri, Alice, Johnny, and Shania are being forced by their foes to read horrible stories! Can they survive? Rated 'T' for later chapters. Reviews and flames are accepted.
1. Intro: A little problem

_Time for my first Shadow Hearts story. Believe it or not, I worked backwards in the games, starting with From The New World, and ending with the original, beating each game's final boss before starting the next game. I'm currently starting over and enjoying everyone. FAVORITE GAMES EVER._

_Inspired by DeviantArt's StarDragon Blue's ZST3K fanfic and the long gone Calvin and Hobbes Mystery Science Theater. Enjoy and review._

* * *

_**SHADOW HEARTS MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 1000**_

* * *

A huge space station orbited the random planet far away, as usual in these kind of fanfics. It had built in a kitchen, a living room with a huge table, several bookshelves, and a TV, a huge computer was built in another room and next to it, and down a hall was a theater. There was two non-descript bedrooms.

And suddenly four people appeared in a flash of bright light!

Huh. That's quite random.

And those four were none other than the four main heroes and heroines of Shadow Hearts, Yuri Volte Hyuga, Alice Elliot, Johnny Garland, and Shania Who-Has-No-Other-Name.

"In that case, I use Garvoy as my last name to prevent any further jokes." Said Shania Garvoy, doing a smart move that would have caused trouble later on.

"W-where are we?" asked Alice. Yuri looked around and noticed all the things mentioned above. He didn't pay any attention to the boy detective and his Indian assistant, only when Johnny walked up to him.

"Hey, you're that guy that Roger and Lenny like to talk about. Yuri, right? I'm, well, your successor to your adventures. Name's Johnny." This caught Yuri's attention, as he never seen or heard any of this.

"What? Successor? Bite me kid, I'm not old! How do you know old man Bacon and Lenny?" Yuri asked. Shania, following suit, walked over to Alice and grabbed Alice's hand.

"Hello. You must be Alice Elliot. I'm Shania…Garvoy. I've heard so much about you." Shania said as she shook Alice's hand. Alice smiled.

"You have? Sorry, I don't know much about you, do you have time to tell?" Alice asked kindly. The four exchanged information about each other, their powers, and their adventures. It was a friendly, calm, moment…

…if not ruined by the ugly face of Professor Gilbert appearing on the computer screen, making Alice scream. No, not out of fear, out of how ugly he is.

"Friendly, aren't we? Don't get too comfortable, I COULD throw all of you out of the airlock." He said with a giggle. All four approached the computer, ready to deal with whatever Gilbert was going to throw at them. They reached for their weapons…and discovered that they weren't there. Gilbert giggled again.

"Gotcha! You see, up here in this masterpiece of science, all of your weapons and abilities are sealed, to prevent you from escaping. But hey, the airlock is always an option…" Gilbert was shoved to side by an off-screen person before he had time to say any thing else. That off-screen person was Nicolai, smug.

"God-Slayer, it's been awhile." He said, as he brushing back a strand of hair that was is in his eye, and placing a foot on Gilbert's back. Yuri growled, remembering all of the crap that Nicolai made him go through. The others didn't know who he is, but sensed from Yuri's reaction that he was trouble.

"Yeah, as I last recall, old chum, you had a broken neck." Yuri replied in a Yuri-like fashion. Nicolai just chuckled.

"True. It was painful, really painful. But enough about me, let me tell you what you have to escape from here."

"Lick your shoes? No thanks. Probably taste like s*$. What the f*!#? Am I being censored?" Nicolai chuckled again.

"Up here, you're kid-friendly, so no bad words. He do have robots for anything else deemed non-family friendly…" He said, pointing to the Native American whose power included stripping.

Nicolai continued. "So to torture you, me and Gilbert have decided to follow a formula that evil bosses and crazy scientists tend to do, show crappy stuff, in this case, Fanfiction." Gilbert, still under Nicolai's foot, laughed manically, until he was kicked in his gut. The heroes looked confused.

"Huh?" asked Johnny. Gilbert managed to get up, and knocked out Nicolai out of the picture. "We're going to make you read/watch bad Fanfiction, whenever you what to or not." The heroes still seemed confused. What kind of torture was that?

"So your first story is an old story involving your old friend Keith Valentine and the author of the story, "What no Phone?". Enjoy!" The screen shut down as an alarm went off, signaling story time.

"Just ignore it…" Shania said as she went to the couch to rest, but like the others, was dragged in by the robots.

"Yuri…what should we do?" asked Alice, trying hard to escape.

"Simple. Do what I do. Make fun of whatever we're watching! We'll have our own brand of fun, if we do it enough, then good old Penguin-Face will let us go!"

"Or send us out the airlock."

"Well, it will be fun to do! Come on, guys, what do you say?"

"Sure!" "Fine." "If we die…"

* * *

**What no Phone?**

Yuri: What, no comma?

**By Dessa Rhiannon**

**Heh this was a really stupid conversation that I had in my head at 3:06 am when I couldn't get to sleep,**

Alice: Who thinks at 3 o' clock in the morning?

Johnny: OH BOY, 3 O' CLOCK IN THE MORNING! (starts to think)

**so if this isn't funny then I am truly sorry but its staying up here. **

Shania: We can hack your account and press 'delete'.

**I think. I couldn't find my phone and Keith was staying over for a few days, why? I don't know ask my imagination.**

Yuri: I asked, it said that you're a fan-girl.

**Lucie- Where is it? Damn thing!**

Alice: Under the couch, where else?

**Keith- What are you looking for?  
Lucie- My phone, surely you could have read my mind!**

Johnny: I did, it said use grammar check.

**Keith- I wouldn't want to pry.  
Lucie- Hasn't stopped you before.**

Shania (Keith): Listen, sorry about last week's panty raid.

Yuri (Keith): And eating all of the food.

Johnny(Keith): And killing your cat.

Alice (Keith): And destroying your cell phone…oops.

**Keith- That wasn't the point I was trying to make, but alas there is you making a fuss about it!**

Yuri (Keith): You made a fuss over the panty door being open!

**Lucie- I'm not making a fuss I am trying to find my mobile, before you rudely interrupted.**

Alice (Lucie: British accent): You rapscallion, my mobile is lost. Can you kindly locate it?

**Keith- I am truly sorry. Do you remember where you put it?  
(Stops and glares at him)**

Johnny: He said the forbidden question. Prepare for execution.

**Lucie- Do you really think that I would still be searching for it if I had remembered?**

Shania: When I forget about it, I will give up.

**(Runs upstairs to her room, while listening)  
Keith- No, well I obviously didn't think before I spoke. But you really should have a better memory, mortals have very good memories if they just remember to use it properly.**

Yuri (Lucie): But, I don't want to do that…that's makes thing easy!

**Lucie- What!? I'm sorry but I cant organise the photographic memory computer in my head because I forgot the batteries. **

Alice: Should have used Duracell.

**Why am I making excuses? You're a vampire you don't have to worry about losing things coz you never forget, do you?**

Johnny:Yeah, well, Twilight forgets vampires don't shine.

**Keith- Yes that is true. But a computer? What you mean, those weird things that you write stories on and go on the world wide spider web? **

Shania: Don't you just hate those anti-technology types?

**Batteries? How could you get a computer in your head?**

Yuri: I just shove one in. That always works.

**(Keith looks genuinely intrigued)  
(sighs and rolls her eyes, by this time stopped searching)**

Alice: Keith's a girl?

**Lucie- I was being be theoretical, ohhh where is that phone! I need it badly, I cant live without it. How is it I can never find it when I need it?**

Johnny: If you do die, can I keep the cell phone?

**(now ransacks the room in a desperate attempt to find it)**

Shania: Yes, make sure it's not hiding in those beer cans.

Johnny: But it's not in the drawer marked "Cell-Phone Here!". I checked.

**Keith- Maybe you should clear your bedroom every once in a while so you would find be able to. You can live with out it, in the 18th century we survived.  
(looks proud of himself)**

Yuri (Keith): Heh heh heh, we had phones on chords back then! God, I had no one to call…

**Lucie- They weren't even invented then! Besides we are living in the 21st century now, not the 18th, move with the times man! **

Alice (Keith: Old man): Ya whippersnapper! Treat your 400-year old vampire with respect!

**Cant you find it with your mind power thingy? Or at least help me look for it!**

Johnny: Does Keith have mind powers?

Yuri: Of course not. Lucie is a moron.

Johnny: No surprise.

**Keith- You know that doesn't work, they have to be living for me to sense it. I am a nobleman and it is not my gadget so I do not need to find it.**

Shania (Keith): Now out, out, I need to apply my mascara.

**(she gets extremely angry)**

Yuri: LUCIE SMASH PRETTY HAIR BOY!

**Lucie- Nobleman?! They don't exist anymore, your the same as me apart from that your a whimpering "nobleman" of a vampire that cant do anything but sit on his ass!**

Alice: Please apologize to the endangered species known as 'nobleman'.

Shania: Yes, the 'nobleman' is slowly disappearing. Would like to make a donation to the foundation?

**Keith- I resent that comment. I have enough to say about you but I am too gentleman enough not to say it.  
(She starts smiling, trying to wind him up)**

Johnny: Stupid Keith action figure! You always to wind it up every two minutes!

**Lucie- Go on say it, be the vampire your supposed to be. Come on be brave, I wont hit you .really I wont. *much***

Shania: We don't hate you , Mary-Sue Lucie. *much*

**Keith- You are an annoying adolescent who has the memory span of a fish and never tidies her room.**

Yuri: Keith, you said something smart! Good boy!

**(she laughs hysterically)**

Alice: I SHALL DESTROY YOU WITH MY CELLPHONE!...once I find it.

**Lucie- Ohhh come on, I mean you could at least put a little effort into it,  
(Keith looks upset)**

Johnny: (Puppy-dog whines)

**Keith- It was **

Yuri: AB-LIB TIME! It was in the cat!

Alice: Under the bed!

Johnny: destroyed!

Shania: used to kill a puppy-dog!

"Everyone stares at Shania"

Shania: What? A little dark humor never hurts anyone.

**Lucie- Okay ..  
(runs downstairs)  
Keith- Where are you going?**

Shania: Dumb-ass.

**Lucie- It isn't up there.  
(he sighs and follows her)  
OHHHHHHHHHHH where is the flamin' thing?**

Yuri: IN HELL!!!!

**Keith- Cant find it here either?  
(Keith smiles evilly)**

Alice: I knew it, he destroyed it!

**Lucie- NO!  
Have you looked over on the shelf where you were sitting before?  
Lucie- No.. why I wouldn't have put ..  
(finds the phone)  
You knew it was there oooooooooh you annoy me!**

Johnny: KEITH KNEW THE ENTIRE TIME!

Shania: THIS COULD HAVE ENDED A LONG TIME AGO!

**Keith- I didn't know a thing  
(he whistles and smiles innocently)**

Shania: We hate you.

**Lucie- Hmmmm Ohhh crap I need the charger. Scuse me!**

Yuri: Excuse-to-prolong-the-story!

**(runs back up the stairs again with Keith following)  
Do you have to follow me everywhere? Next you'll be following me to the toilet?**

Alice: That image was nice, thank you.

**Keith- Toilet? Why the toilet?**

Johnny (Keith): Seeing your bare LEGS is enough!

**Lucie- OOOHHHHH! It doesn't matter. Ohh no where's my charger?  
Keith- Not again!**

Everyone: OH NO!!!!

**Lucie- I'm sorry but one as brain as a fish cannot remember everything, right?! **

Shania: A fish with no brain is smarter than you!

**Ahhh got it!  
(runs back downstairs and sits down)  
Geez that was exhausting!**

Yuri: Yeah, running up and down stairs sure is exhausting. Time for a beer!

**Keith- You should have let me gone up for you.  
Lucie- Yeah right you would have taken years, you would have found the charger and started fiddling with it. Then you would have broken it.**

Alice: Quite annoying, ain't we?

**Keith- Hey!  
Lucie- I haven't finished yet. On the way you would have found the cat and most likely had a nibble so to speak as well as killing it.**

Johnny: Hey, you stole my joke!

**Then looking at the patterns of the wallpaper. I would never have got it back.**

Shania (Lucie): I'm still too lazy to anything useful!

**Keith- Humph! What are you doing now?  
(puts on her coat and runs out the door)  
Lucie- Sorry I cant stand it! Bye.**

Yuri: We were thinking the same thing!

Alice: Let's follow suit.

**(**Everyone gets up and begins to leave)

**(runs off)  
Keith- Typical teenager! She didn't even need her phone. **

Johnny: We already know that the plot was stupid. Show, don't tell.

**I apologise greatly for this but as you can tell it isn't funny and I was bored.**

Shania: Despite your spelling error, we accept.

* * *

"That wasn't too bad…was it?" Asked Alice. The others looked at her like she was an idiot. Yuri was on the couch, trying to take a nap, Shania was looking in the kitchen for food, and Johnny was sitting on a stool, staring at Shania.

"O.K., I'll admit, it wasn't that bad. But I have a feeling it's only going to get worse…" Yuri said with a sense of dread in his voice.

"Let's make a rule. We only make fun of the stuff we watch, not talk about how bad it is. That would make us look like snobs." Suggested Johnny.

"Agreed." Everyone else said. Alice sat down in a chair…

…which a monitor came out of, sending her to the floor. Nicolai popped up.

"So, enjoyed today's great story?" He asked with absolute sarcasm. Gilbert was either seen or heard.

"Well, it would have been better. It could have you being beat up." replied Yuri, not really paying attention to the on screen menace. The others didn't react, and Alice just got up, put the chair back up, and opened up a book and started to read it. Nicolai grunted, not particulally annoyed.

"Just wait. Come next time, the torture gets worse. Everytime you finish watching one, another will be waiting. I've made this place worse than hell itself! What can you do..."

Johnny picked up a remote. "Hey, I found the 'Off' switch."

Yuri smiled. "Oh, goody!" He grabbed it, and pointed at the monitor.

Nicolai looked surprised. "NO, WAIT..."

_KRTZZ!_

* * *

This a test chapter. Please review and tell me what I should do.

I'm sorry if you find this offending.


	2. Grand Papillion 1

_In the not-too-distant past -  
Last Sunday A.D. -  
There was a guy named Yuri,  
Way too different from you or me.  
He fought to save world many times,  
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.  
He did a good job fixing up the place,  
But his enemies didn't like him  
So they shot him into space._

_We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (Black humor gal!)_  
_Alice! (Hi, girl!)_  
_Johnny! (What a cool guy!)_  
_Yuuuri! (He's a wisecracker.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"I'm telling you…mine's is way better!"

"Shrimp, no way!"

"What are you doing…GOD! GUYS!"

"Sorry, Shania…But Yuri is in denial. Mine's better."

"Listen kid, I've seen better on dummies!"

"Ha!"

"..why are you guys painting spare clothes?"

Yuri threw down his paint brush. "We're making these boring jumpsuits into something better. You should have seen the ugly red color before."

Shania picked up her book that she dropped. "With paint?"

Johnny (secretly painting over Yuri's design) answered. "Just a contest. Who's design wins will get made into spacesuits."

"Spacesuits?"

"Sure! How else are we going to escape?"

Alice appeared from the kitchen, holding some hot buns. "Rewire the rockets to take us back home?" Before anyone could say anything, Yuri rushed over and grabbed two of the buns and stuffed them in his mouth, with Alice adding, "Tact, Yuri, tact."

"Mmmm…don't care. The only thing to eat was Gilbert's canned food. Greenbeans! Brussels sprouts! Sunflower seeds! That guy has a weird diet."

"Remember, this is 'torture'." Alice pointed out, handing out the buns to the others.

"And besides," added Yuri. "We're not following continuity of the song." And the instant he said that, the food disappeared. But before anyone could beat up Yuri, the main screen switched on. Both villains appeared. Gilbert spoke first.

"I see that you're planning your useless escape plan from my inescapable station. I didn't spend months perfecting this jail-like station. It would take a super genius to bring it back down to Earth."

Johnny spoke back. "Give a minute or two to find a bug. There WILL be one." So he walked out of Gilbert's view to find that one bug.

(SPOILER: There is one.)

Gilbert tried to say something, but was interrupted by Nicolai. "Guess what? Today, instead of delaying the story, we're jumping right into it. And you know all the stars in it. Why the main one is the Grand Papillion!"

"Joys of joys. I get to see something stupid over something…less stupid." Yuri flat-panned. The sirens blared.

"YOU GOT MOVIE SIGN!" shouted Nicolai before switching off. The robots came out of nowhere, and herded the crew into the theatre.

* * *

_**The Adventures of Grand Papillion**_

Yuri: Oh boy! Gayness!

**AN: Cue Batman music! **

Alice: I should play the 'Superman' theme here, right Yuri?

Yuri: Go ahead!

Shania: Which theme is a good question right now.

**I don't own it!**

Johnny: Yes, we get it every single fanfic author. WE'RE NOT IDIOTS.

**This is a one shot! **

Shania: Author's a little crazy ain't he?

Johnny (Author): Please read this! Please, oh please, read this?

**A little look-see into the possibility of Grand Papillion getting his own TV show!**

Yuri: Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky!

Johnny: Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness!

Shania: Earthquakes, volcanoes…

Alice: The dead rising from the grave!

Yuri: Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria!

Shania: And that just the beginning!

**If people like it I will write more adventures tee hee! **

Alice: When you hear 'tee hee', you know there is going to be trouble.

_**Featuring: Joachim (Grand Papillion),**_

Johnny: AKA, The Great Ham!

_**Keith Valentine (Bat Boy),**_

Shania: After last time's story, that's perfect casting!

_**Rose (Lucia),**_

Yuri: You spent hours thinking that up, didn't you?

_**Anastasia and Yuma (Damsels in distress)**_

Alice: Well, half-right isn't that bad…

_**Yuri Hyuga (Evil Mastermind don't ask!)**_

Yuri: …what?

Johnny: Sounds right.

Alice: Agreed.

Shania: At least this story has decent casting.

Yuri: I HATE YOU ALL!

_**Kurando Inugami (Biggest Fan),**_

Shania: How much you want to bet this going to be the exact opposite of what is shown here?

(Everyone raises hands)

_**Karin Koenig (Femme Fatale)**_

Yuri: Karin Koenig as Karin Koenig!

_**and Yoshiko Kawashima (brat).**_

Alice: She was on set only for the candy.

**'****Welcome to Grand Papillion and Bat Boy Adventures!' Big booming voice.**

Johnny: 'Big-booming voice' says, "Drink Pepsi."

**'This week, Grand Papillion goes shopping!'**

Shania: Boring, this is _so_ boring! Get to the show…oh, shoot, this is the show!

**Scene One – The mastermind unveils his plot… **

Yuri: To eat all the cookies in the world!

Alice: Destroy all the Brussels spouts in the world!

Johnny: Help Jehovah's Witnesses!

Shania: TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Nicolai: OF COURSE!

Yuri: WHAT?

Nicolai: Hehe….

**'Look Bat Boy, it's the shopping arcade!' Grand Papillion shouted in excitement. 'I bet we could get a thousand good deals here!'**

Alice (Grand Papillion): Look, a deal to buy a book that will double your IQ or no money back. Gee, I don't know…o.k., sounds good to me.

**'Fascinating.' Bat boy replied sarcastically. 'So why are we here again Grand Papillion?'**

Johnny (Grand Papillion): To look for plot!

**The muscled man laughed loudly. 'Cant you just see the crime here?**

Shania: My god, those purses are cheap! Evil villains, beware!

**Thieves, pickpockets, over priced coats! It goes on and on!**

Yuri: Murders, rapists, bad food! Kidnappers, liars…

Everyone else: ENOUGH!

**We are here to end it and bring justice to the shoppers of this district! Isn't it exciting!'**

Everyone: Thrilling…

Yuri: Like Twilight!

**Bat boy groaned. 'Nauseatingly so.'**

Alice: Gasp, Keith has become somewhat likeable!

Yuri: RUN FOR THE HILLS! IT'S A DECENT CHARACTER!

**'Come Bat Boy! We must expose the criminals!' Grand Papillion stalked off towards a young man hunched over and laughing evil-like. 'What are you planning evil doer!'**

Johnny: Shooting a politician, destroying precious works of art…my day is packed!

**The young man stood up, 'Grand Papillion how nice of you to visit! Muahahahahahaha!'**

Shania: WELCOME TO DIE!

**'Look out Bat Boy it's Hunky Harmonixer, the most notorious evil master mind known to man!' Grand Papillion cried out!**

Yuri: (Twitches)

Alice: Johnny, Shania, get behind the seats. Now.

Johnny: R-right.

Yuri: HUNKY HARMONIXER? HUNKY? (Random mad outbursts occur for a full three minutes. Due to the show's 'T' rating, we leave the sayings to the audience's imagination.)

Alice: Done?

Yuri: For a while, I guess.

**'Tell me what your notorious plans are, Hunky Harmonixer!'**

Yuri:…SORRY, GOING FOR TWO. (More outbursts)

**'Muahahahaha, you can never beat me Grand Papillion! I've teamed up with Karin the Killer and together we are going to take over this shopping arcade, and the one down the street, then the one by the river!**

Alice: The one by the pub, the one by the bottomless pit…

**Then we'll take over the world, **

Nicolai: OF COURSE!

Johnny: Stop that!

**after we take over the shop near the sea…'**

**Bat Boy sighed. 'We get it already, get on with it.'**

Shania: Thank you, Bat Boy.

**'Oh right! You'll never be able to stop me Muahahahahahahahahah!' Hunky Harmonixer raced off down the street laughing loudly.**

Yuri: I shall continue my evil deeds in the next department! MUAHAHA…

**'Oh no! He's getting away!' Grand Papillion yelled pointing after him heroically.**

Alice: As he heroically grabbed his meal by heroically jumping over the heroic bush, and he heroically bite into his hero sandwich.

**For a moment every thing stopped and crickets chirped. **

Johnny: And the rest of the world started to boo.

**Grand Papillion turned back to Bat Boy who shrugged at him. 'What do you want me to do about it?'**

Shania (G.P.): Blow stuff up! That's all we know to do!

**'Never mind Bat Boy! We'll get him next time….' He answered narrowing his eyes.**

**Scene Two – Damsels in distress!**

Yuri: Prepare for epic goofiness!

**The two young ladies cried out at one another. 'No I saw it!'**

Alice: But it's my turn to cut it in half!

**'No its mine!' The other one yelled. 'I want it, I want it! You already have lots of clothes, Anastasia!'**

Johnny (Anastasia): So?

**'So! I saw it first! And I have the money for it, you don't.' Anastasia yelled back. 'You can't have it if you can't afford it!'**

Shania (Anastasia): So, hahaha, FAIL NOOB.

**'Ladies? What seems to be the matter here?' Grand Papillion said stepping into the middle.**

Yuri: Remember girls, if you see a weirdo, you know what to do?

Alice & Shania: Run away and call S.W.A.T.!

Johnny: That's my girls!

**'Back off oaf!' Anastasia yelled kicking him in the shin, knocking the big man to the ground. 'It's none of your business!'**

Alice (G.P.): GAH! A kick to my shins! My one true weakness!

**Yuma kicked him too. 'Yeah, who said you could interrupt? Didn't you ever hear of manners?'**

Johnny: Manners is when you kick weirdoes!

**Bat Boy laughed to himself. 'I like these two.'**

Shania (B.B.): They beating up him! I like that in a woman!

**'Let's go Yuma.' Anastasia said offering her the item of clothing. 'We can share it.' 'Sounds fair Anastasia.' Yuma answered walking off.**

Yuri: See? Violence does solve problems!

Alice: Humph.

**From the ground Grand Papillion stands shakily. 'Another problem solved by Grand Papillion and Bat Boy.'**

Alice: Huzzah! I got beat up by two little girls!

**'What?' Bat Boy asked. 'But we didn't…'**

**'Come now, Bat Boy! Don't be modest let us continue on our quest to fight crime!' The big man limped off towards another stall.**

Johnny: Curses! Those girls must be evil! They were wearing steel-toed boots!

**Scene Three – Femme Fatale**

Shania: ADVENTURE HO!

**She stood there in the street and grinned smugly to herself. 'Raise it by another 100 percent! That should keep the customers paying! Ha ha ha ha ha!'**

Yuri(Karin): Ha ha ha, hey, where is everyone going?

**She laughed, stopping after a moment. 'Oh no! It's Grand Papillion!'**

Alice(Karin): Quick, get me my shotgun!

**'Bat Boy, beware! Look it's Karin the Killer! I wonder what diabolical plan she is hatching in that clever mind of hers!'**

Johnny: I GOT IT! Karin the Killer's next plan of action is to…kick a dog.

Shania: Truly evil!

**'Who cares?' Bat Boy answered smiling at her, 'I wanna know how she fitted into that tiny skirt…'**

Shania: BAT BOY! NO! LOOK AWAY!

Johnny: Do you really care?

Shania: No.

Yuri: Yeah, I also like to know how she gets into that skirt(Alice hits him) OW.

**Grand Papillion dived in front of him. 'No do not look at the blinding orange! That is how she entices people to stop!'**

Yuri (B.B.): Her power of 'stop' is too much! I can't make it…

Johnny (G.P.): Bat Boy? BAT BOOOOOOOYYYY!

**'Well it's working!' Bat Boy answered pushing his overgrown ape over. 'And I wanna be stopped!'**

Alice (B.B.): Don't stop the mussssiiicccc!

Shania: Music make me lose control!

**Grand Papillion frantically looked around for a way to save his sidekick. 'Oh Karin, your legs look fat in that!' He shouted at the woman who stood there blank for a moment.**

Johnny(G.P.): You like it? I use that line on every girl I meet!

**'W-w-why did you say something so… so mean!' She ran away crying. '!'**

Shania: Great, now she's going to take her anger on some poor passer-by.

Alice: Tomorrow headlines: "Karin the Killer Strikes Again! 5 people dead in street! Moron to blame!"

Yuri: Woo, I smell a riot!

**Bat Boy looked disgusted. 'Why did you do that?'**

Yuri (B.B.): I was enjoying the strip show!

**'I had to save you and the people buying her Killer Coats! They were so over priced any way…' **

Alice(G.P.: girly): And they were all the wrong color, sister!

**He replied. 'Yes one more victory for Grand Papillion!'**

**Bat Boy grumbled. 'Sometimes brother, I think you're an idiot…'**

Everyone: NO, REALLY?

**'Let us continue!'**

Everyone: NO!

**Scene Four – My Biggest Fan**

Johnny: A dumb kid on crack?

Yuri: No, himself.

**'Oh look Bat Boy it's an adoring fan!' Grand Papillion cried out.**

Shania(G.P.): The middle finger straight up means he likes me!

**Bat Boy stopped and looked around the floor. 'Since when did people actually like you saving them?'**

Yuri: Boy, Keith is working overtime to make up for the last story!

**One lone young man sat at a café table absentmindedly chewing on his pencil.**

Alice(O.l.y.m): Hmm, cherry…

**'I think he's doing a cross word…' Bat Boy answered. 'Just leave him…'**

Johnny (B.B., finishing up): …to do something intelligent.

**'A cross word? Oh no! The very embodiment of all things dastardly!' Grand Papillion cried out striking a pose.**

Shania: Tell me about it! How should I know what happened in 1616?

**'What? Are you drunk or something? How could a cross word be dastardly?' His sidekick whined.**

Yuri: As always. Heck, everyone does that here.

**'They force you to think of ways to answer their senseless riddles and they hide secret codes to brain wash you. I must save him from his predicament. **

Alice: I knew it! Grand Papillion is a commie!

Yuri: Aye, comrade! To arms!

Shania: For the glory of Animal Farm!

**!'**

Johnny: Sorry, not enough 'p's.

**The young man looked up in fright as the huge muscled man raced towards him, running like a waddling duck.**

Yuri: You know, I never figured out why he ran like that…

Shania: Hey, it's my turn!

**'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' He yelled jumping up and moving out of the way just in time**

Shania: Dear lord, a duck is about to attack me!

**as the wrestler tackled the table and ripped his paper to shreds, including the cross word he had just spent an hour on.**

Alice: Oh yes, we forgot for a minute he was doing a crossword puzzle. We thought the newspaper was evil!

Shania: Don't you know? Newspapers blame the Hollywood stars for everything!

**'Kurando are you okay?' Anastasia cried out running to his aid.**

Johnny(Anastasia): Luckily, I filled out life insurance for you, with me as your sole benefactor!

**'I'm fine, but I'm going to have a phobia of leather for the rest of my life.' He answered staring at the individual that was demolishing his paper.**

Shania: Eww, he's peeing on it now!

**'Oh no. I ran into him earlier when I was shopping with Yuma. He's weird.' **

Yuri: I think he ate Yuma in between scenes.

**Anastasia answered. 'Let's get out of here before he thinks the sky is falling.' She said running away with Kurando.**

Alice: 'Sigh', 3…2…1…

**'What?' Grand Papillion yelled. 'The sky is falling? Every vampire for himself!' **

Everyone: Predictable.

**He dived under the coffee table and wrapped the table cloth around his shoulders.**

**'Oh how heroic.' Bat Boy answered. 'You sure inspired him too.'**

Johnny: I'm inspired all right. To make a book called, "_Stupid Guy does Stupid Guy stuff._

Yuri: I'll buy that.

**After about half an hour of convincing Grand Papillion the sky wasn't falling they continued on their quest.**

Shania: TO CAMELOT!

Everyone: _We're Knights of the Round Table,  
We dance when ere we're able,  
We do routines and chorus scenes  
With footwork impeccable.  
We dine well here in Camelot,  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.  
We're Knights of the Round Table,  
Our show are formidable,  
But many times, we're given rhymes  
That are quite unsingable.  
We're Opera mad in Camelot,  
We sing from the diaphragm  
a looooooot.  
In war we're tough and able,  
Quite indefatigable,  
Between our quests we sequin vests,  
And impersonate Clark Gable.  
It's a busy life in Camelot,  
I have to push the pram a lot._

Shania: Oh second thought, let's not go to Camelot, it's a silly place.

Yuri: Still, better there than here.

**A young girl walked past and laughed. 'Ha Ha! You're stupid!'**

**'Yoshiko!' A voice yelled out. 'You brat get over here!'**

Yuri: Oh, I get it! Yoshiko was cast as a 'brat' and that woman called her a brat! Wow, such an important character she was! Ah hah hah…god, that was stupid.

**Finale – The lovely Rose…**

Alice: It was nice for the author to tell us the end of the story.

Yuri: But hey, we can ab-lib! The lovely Rose has wilted.

Alice: …is drunk.

Johnny: …is a hooker!

Shania: …is a transvestite!

(Alice and Yuri look at Johnny and Shania)

Shania: Dark humor…

Yuri: Yes. It still is disturbing.

**'Oh no help!' She cried out waving out wildly. 'Oh please wont some body help me!'**

Johnny: Oh no, IT'S LUCIE!

(Everyone tries to escape, but Nicolai has locked the doors.)

Nicolai: Can't let you do that, heroes!

(Every grumbles, and sits down)

**'Look Bat Boy! That beautiful woman is in danger, we must save her!'**

Shania: Leaving her to die is an option.

**Grand Papillion yelled racing towards her, stopping for a moment as Hunky Harmonixer landed in front of him.**

Yuri:…HUNKY? HHHUUUUNNNNNKKKKKKYYYYYYY…

Alice: Give him a moment.

**'I should have known it was you!'**

Alice: After all, you're the only guy to be a real villain!

Shania: I guess Karin the Killer is now Karin the Missing.

**'Who else would it be? This is your first villain!' Bat Boy answered shrugging.**

Johnny: I knew it! Karin didn't count!

**'I shall thwart your evil ways!' The muscular vampire yelled. 'And I will save the world!'**

Nicolai: OF COUR…(Everyone beats him up, somehow)OW!

**'Muahahahahaha! You can't beat me! My plan is flawless!' Hunky Harmonixer laughed, 'and with Karin the Killer on my side I'm unbeatable!'**

Shania(H.H.): But first, I need to dock her pay. She's late!

**Grand Papillion stood up straight and laughed. 'Hahahah I have defeated Karin and now I shall defeat you!'**

Yuri: MORTAL KOMBAT!

**So a battle ensued between them and they fought for hours. All sorts of words popped up.**

Alice: Like…boring.

Yuri: …stupid.

Johnny: …lazy

Shania: …unimpressive.

**'Kapow! Bang! Schlap! Pow!' **

Johnny: _EARTH! FIRE!_

Shania: _WIND! WATER!_

Alice: _HEART!_

Yuri: Wait, that has nothing to do with the above sentence!

Johnny: _By your powers combined, I'm Captain Onomonopia!_

**When the dust cleared there was hardly anything left of the shopping arcade. **

Shania: Huh. Grand Papillion _was _a commie!

Yuri(G.P.: Russian accent): Down with the market economy!

**Hunky Harmonixer screamed in frustration. 'You may have one the battle Grand Papillion, but not the war! Hahahahahahahahahahah!' He yelled running off.**

Yuri: SEE YOU,….

**He would have got away too, if he watched where he was going. He ran head first into a lamp post and knocking himself out cold…**

Alice (Yuri): D'oh!

**'That was pathetic…' Bat Boy groaned. 'Can I put in my two weeks notice? Please?'**

Johnny: Don't we all?

**'Ha Bat Boy we have done it! We have thwarted Hunky Harmonixer and saved the world from his wrath.'**

Shania: Don't forget making a woman cry, giving nightmares to a young man, annoying two girls, and oh yeah, destroying the whole shopping center. But hey, we stopped an evil villain.

Yuri: What evil villain? I was just trying to make people buy these special washrags, but no, some loud mouth moron thinks because I have a handlebar mustache and a have tendency to laugh evilly makes me a villain…

**'My Hero!' Rose yelled running forward and hugging him.**

Yuri(Rose): Eew, you have cooties!

**'It was my pleasure…' The hero replied bashfully.**

Alice(G.P.): …to ruin your day! Can I do it tomorrow?

**Suddenly five police cars pulled up. 'Freeze!'**

Johnny: Man, those Fanfiction cops I called a while back took their sweet time getting here!

**Big Booming Voice – So Grand Papillion and Bat Boy thwarted the evil mastermind Hunky Harmonixer and saved the world from his over pricing and world domination…**

Shania: Don't forget, buy Wheaties.

**'You just had to destroy the shopping arcade didn't you?' Bat Boy whined.**

**Grand Papillion laughed. 'This is just a minor set back Bat Boy! We will get the bail sorted soon… I hope.'**

Yuri: First episode, and cancellation all ready?

(Everyone gets up to leave)

**'Stay tuned until next week when Grand Papillion and Bat Boy Take on the Queer Eyes for the Vampires!**

Alice: Hey, a Twilight bashing episode!

Johnny: It might be worth watching!

**Until next time, Stay strong and fight all evil doers!'**

Shania: And destroy everything in sight!

* * *

"Hah-ha! I'm the Godslayer, and this is my beautiful sidekick, The White Lady!" heroically shouted Yuri, wearing his regular outfit, with a cape and an eye mask, somehow making his eyes white. Alice had the same deal, but without the cape.

"Hohoho! Godslayer, you met your match! I, Maliceman, and Fusion Gal, shall stop you!" said Johnny, who he and Shania followed Yuri and Alice's suit.

"Have at you villain!" Yuri shouted as he lunged at Johnny, and the two began to roll around the floor, pretending to fight, while saying 'Pow!' and stuff like that. Alice and Shania followed suit, but it was much more like a catfight. Yuri and Johnny stopped to record this event with video cameras they found, until Alice and Shania came after them.

"If I didn't know better, I think you people actually enjoy the stories." Said Nicolai, who been watching the entire scene. The four of them stopped, slowly removed their costumes, and slowly walked over to Nicolai's screen…

"No matter how hard you try, you can't annoy me. I put up with Gilbert."

"To answer your question, no, we didn't enjoy today's story. We did enjoy making fun of it. This is one way to mock it, and show you how that can't beat us. Now, before you say anything, we do know that next time is the second chapter." Said Yuri.

"Yes. However…if you want to play superheroes…" Nicolai pressed a button on a wall. Instantly, the robots appeared. "Have fun with my Killyourface Robots, heroes!" He disappeared.

"Hey guys and gals." Said Yuri.

"What?"

"Wouldn't it be nice to have our powers back?"

The robots just stood, confused on why one of the heroes were being beaten up by his friends.

* * *

_The hard part of this chapter? The scenes outside the story. I never was a fan of non-movie segements, save for some really good ones. Ah well. Review, and I see how fast I can work for the third chapter. Check out my other stories please!_

_Also, the editing of this was hell. Paragraphs went haywire, random bits were cut out...aargh. So you might see some problems, i did my best to find them all. Sorry._


	3. Grand Papillion 2

_In the not-too-distant past -  
Last Sunday A.D. -  
There was a guy named Yuri,  
Way too different from you or me.  
He fought to save world many times,  
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.  
He did a good job fixing up the place,  
But his enemies didn't like him  
So they shot him into space._

__

We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,  
The worst we can find (la-la-la).  
He'll have to sit and watch them all,  
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).  
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control  
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)  
Because he used those special parts  
To mess with Nicolai.

Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)  
Shania! (Black humor gal!)  
Alice! (Hi, girl!)  
Johnny! (What a cool guy!)  
Yuuuri! (He's a wisecracker.)

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe  
and other science facts (la la la),  
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,  
I should really just relax (Really)  
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"

* * *

_

So the boys had a room, which they began marking their sides of the room, and the girls had their room. Both Alice and Shania left their room actually simple, Alice had some Christianity stuff (Me being Jewish leaves me with little knowledge of Christianity) and Shania had nothing. (She came here empty-handed) While Johnny and Yuri were debating about who was the strongest (With Yuri winning) Alice and Shania were doing girly things, like brushing each other's hair.

What? Stuck in space, you get bored, so you do boring things.

"All right." Said Alice after putting down her brush. "I'm brushed your hair a thousand times." She turned around. "Now it's your turn." Shania began brushing. She only got to 10 strokes before throwing the brush away. Alice looked at her, quite unhappy about the fair deal.

"So?" Shania replied. "I got bored."

"But I did your hair."

"It didn't need to done."

"…I sense that you're lying." Alice senses were right.

"Why would I lie, especially to you?"

"To get your hair done for free!"

"You think I care?" Alice said nothing. She leapt onto the Indian, and a catfight ensued, but it was just screaming, rolling and scratching. They knocked over lamps, stools, and anything else that they could knock over. Normally the robots would settle fights by beating the snots out of everyone, but the rooms were the only room without cameras.

Yuri and Johnny came out, hearing the ruckus. Instead of breaking them up, they watched. That lasted all for a minute, as tomes and tomahawks flew into the corridor. Yuri and Johnny only lost some hair from the top. Alice and Shania breathed hard and lay on the floor with their faces up. Alice kicked the door to close it.

"Truce?"

"Truce." The two shook.

"You know? I'm actually waiting for the next story." Shania said.

"HEY, HEY! Did someone call for a story?" Asked Gilbert on the monitor. Alice screamed and Shania jumped back. Johnny and Yuri came running in. Gilbert snorted and laughed, but mostly snorted. Nicolai remained in the background, reading a book. Gilbert hogged most of the camera.

"So I heard you guys had fun with the 'Adventures of Grand Papillion' last time?"

"No, no!" Yuri tired to stop him. But Gilbert pressed a button, and the lights and robots came on.

"No time for talk! YOU…" Nicolai took out Gilbert and pressed the button with his book.

"You got movie sign." He said rather plainly.

"You seem bored." Yuri said. Nicolai walked over and grabbed his book.

"Eh. Have fun." He pressed his own button, and the whole process started again.

* * *

_**AN: What do you think?**_

Yuri: Not much.

_**Could this be a mini series?**_

Alice: Mini, as in two chapters, then yes.

_**Oh and I'm taking requests for episodes tee hee:-)**_

Johnny: Next episode, Grand Papillion Does His Homework!

_**And just so you know I have nothing against gay people k! My bro's gay:-P )**_

Shania: That WAS necessary. Thank you.

Alice: This is a bit offensive.

_**Featuring: Joachim (Grand Papillion)**_

Yuri: No! Really?

_**Keith Valentine (Bat Boy)**_

Alice: We know that.

_**Lucia, Anastasia and Yuma (Guests on TV Show )**_

Johnny: They have absolutely no part in this!

_**Yuri Hyuga (TV Host)**_

Shania: Aww, no Hunky Harmonixer?

Yuri: ARGH.

_**Kurando Inugami (Biggest Fan)**_

Yuri: His fear of leather shall be used as nightmare fuel.

Johnny: Once again, no part in this.

_**Karin Koenig (Fashion Critic)**_

Alice (Karin): Oh dear, this purse doesn't match this button!

Johnny: Like the other four, no part!

_**and Yoshiko Kawashima (brat in Audience)**_

Johnny: Well, this should be predictable. As in, no part.

Shania: Did you read this before?

Johnny: Nah, I cheated.

_**Pierre and Gerad (Queer Eye Master Minds.)**_

Shania: Nothing against gay people, except that they're EVIL!

**Big booming voice,**

Yuri: Buy Folgers's Dark Coffee Mix.

**'This week Grand Papillion and Bat Boy Take on the Queer Eyes for the Vampires!**

Alice: I don't get it.

Shania: Don't dwell on it.

**Will they turn our hero's into stylists in their ever growing army of straight men?**

Johnny: Keith is already straight, ain't he?

**Or will Grand Papillion and Bat Boy be able to thwart their dastardly plan!**

Shania: Will they be able to completely destroy the studio? Let's watch!

**Scene One – Twins of Terror…**

Yuri: I concur. They're scary, all right.

**'Look Bat Boy we're on a set for my favorite show!' Grand Papillion squealed in delight jumping up and down.**

Alice: Tax-Payers! The show where celebrities go and see who could do their taxes the fastest!

**'Oh I can't wait to meet the Queers! They have the best fashion taste!'**

Johnny: Ah, the fashion styling of a football is always the best!

**Bat boy groaned. 'If they tell you that you dress well I'm going to jump off a cliff.'**

Shania: You could just throw HIM off the cliff, just saying.

**'Oh there he is Gerad!' One man said slinking up to Grand Papillion with a grin on his face.**

Yuri: INCOMING HAM.

**'Oh Pierre he is magnificent!' Gerad answered an evil smile crossing his lips.**

Alice: As he also addressed his sinister mustache.

Yuri: He also yelled in his brother's insane ear.

**'Come now Grand Papillion we must get you ready for your performance.'**

Johnny (Gerad): The first act is where when we put you into a giant hamster wheel, and spin it faster and faster each second you stay in.

**'I get to perform!' Grand Papillion asked excitedly. 'Oh my!'**

Shania: Is it just fabulous?

**'Yes, It will be… your last performance.' Pierre said leading him away.**

Yuri: Why, yes, it's the last chapter.

**'Hey Grand Papillion I think..- ' Bat Boy started.**

Alice: Oh, hey, ab-lib. "…we should be in other stories.

Yuri:…you should hit your head with his lamp.

Johnny: …eat this poisonous hotdog.

Shania: …nah, go have fun with the murdering freaks.

**'Will I get to wear accessories?' Grand Papillion answered ignoring his side kick.**

Johnny (Gerad): This sword will look FABULOUS in your face!

**They walked away leaving Bat Boy standing there on an unused set.**

Shania: The set of the Jerry Lewis show!

**'Why doesn't any one listen to me?' He whined turning back to explore the studio. 'Honestly…'**

Yuri: Ab-lib! "…I'm the only sane one."

Alice: …I think mayo should NEVER be on a sandwich.

Johnny: …I'm not honest enough with my brother.

Shania: …killing him would be so easier.

**Scene Two – Bat Boy learns of their Evil Plan…**

Alice: To make all the man in the world wear pink hats!

**'Oh what a brilliant plan! Grand Papillion is finished! Hahahhahaha!'**

Johnny: Yes, I shall…I shall…wait, who the hell am I?

**'Shame isn't it brother, that a man with such beautiful muscles will have to be destroyed!' Gerad finished sighing.**

Shania: As Pierre finished singing.

**Bat Boy neared the door suspiciously, knowing that the twins were up to something. **

Yuri: After all, they're the master minds of this story.

**Something terribly evil.**

Alice: Like help Uwe Boll?

Yuri: Promote Justin Bieber?

**'I have to stop them…' He started. 'Wait what am I doing? I'm thinking like my brother!' **

Johnny: Oh no, it's catching! HAHAHAHA…

**He peered around the corner and spotted them loading up a huge amount of cash.**

Shania: Their paycheck to appear in this story.

**'Good thing no one will suspect that we stole that cash from the bank. I mean how could any one believe that two very stylish twins would do such a thing.'**

Yuri: The security cameras say otherwise.

**'I know Pierre! So very stupid! How could any one even think such a thing!' They laughed together evilly finally clamping down the case and locking it.**

Alice: The detectives, the cameras, the witness's seeing the two twins yelling at the clerk for wearing the wrong-color boots with his suit…

**'Well we had better make sure that big, gorgeous lump of muscle is ready for his performance.' Pierre said motioning for Gerad to follow him. **

Johnny: So…they make him…_**a clown!**_

Yuri: _**ARGH!**_

**Their laughter echoed down the halls after them. Bat Boy snuck in and examined the box. It was locked.**

Shania: Despite him looking on and noticing it was locked.

**Big Booming Voice: And so it seemed hopeless to Bat Boy as he realized that he couldn't open that box with out the key…**

Yuri (B.B.V.): Buy one key at Chambers Locksmith, get one free.

**'Yes I can…' Bat Boy answered the narrator.**

Alice: No you can't.

**No you can't… The script said so.**

Johnny: Even the script agrees with us!

**'Yeah I could. I'm a vampire what else am I supposed to do and what script…'**

Johnny: Vampires are the masters of unlocking, you know.

Shania: You could also try knitting…

Yuri: I don't need any damn script!

**The script I'm reading out! Geez are you stupid or something?**

Alice: Isn't everyone?

**'Did you just call me stupid? Ohhh you are gonna get it!'**

Johnny: Don't talk that way, girlfriend!

_**CRASH... BANG... KAPOW... CRASH... OOHH... GRRR... OWWWWW... HELP! MUMMY…**_

Shania: Instead of actual action, enjoy the reading of the speech and actions bubbles.

Yuri: Again?

**'Don't you ever call me stupid again got that….'**

Shania: …or you can listen to the Wiggles CD…

**Ok… Please don't hurt me…**

Yuri: Your words hurt, man!

**Bat Boy entered the room quietly and pondered. 'What are they gonna do to my brother?'**

Alice: I guess he starts to care now for the brother he didn't care for before.

**He opened the box and found the huge sum of cash and two guns. 'Well this is interesting…'**

Johnny: This shall never be mentioned again.

**Scene Three – Celebrities!**

Shania: Not!

**Grand Papillion watched the first segment of the show utterly awe struck.**

Yuri: WOW…I didn't think his finger would go that far!

**The three most famous dancers were on the stage before him and he so wanted to meet them.**

Alice: Ladies and gentlemen, The No-Names!

**His make up had been done and his hair had been curled.**

All: GAAH!

**He felt beautiful, which is weird for a man to feel.**

All: CENSOR!

**The dancers entertained them and finally sat down to be interviewed by the one and only Yuri Hyuga!**

Johnny: AKA, the Hunky Harmonixer!

Yuri: WHY YOU LITTLE….

**'Pinch me!' Grand Papillion squealed quietly.**

Shania: DON'T GO THERE!

**'Gladly.' Bat Boy answered pinching his brother hard enough to draw blood.**

Yuri: They won't tell you where he was pinched exactly!

**Grand Papillion yelped a little.**

Alice (G.P.): I'm fine, just my skin being ripped open.

**'Shhh…' The director hushed them.**

Johnny (Director): I'm trying to keep our ratings high before you come on.

**'I didn't say literally.' He whispered back to his brother who was grinning wildly.**

Shania: At least not here…

**'You seem to get quite a bit more pleasure out of it than you should have.'**

Yuri: Tonight, you're my…

Alice: Yuri!

**'I do what I can!' Bat Boy answered, his smile from ear to ear.**

Alice: Was the plot about Grand Papillion's kidnapping abandoned? What about warning him?

Yuri: Do you actually care?

**'SHHHH!' The director stood up and chased them both with Dictaphones off the set…**

Johnny: And hopefully, off the studio.

**Scene Four – The Hero Is Captured**

Shania: That last scene had nothing to do with the story! Thank you, and good night!

**Bat Boy stood alert and watched as Yuri Hyuga interviewed his brother.**

Yuri: So I heard you like destroying things…

**'I heard you were recently arrested, could you tell us what happened there?' Yuri asked looking serious.**

Alice: Until he realized he was talking to a six-foot, wrestler-superhero-vampire.

**'Yes it was only a misunderstanding of sorts…'**

Johnny (G.P.): I was only trying to exercise my right to destroy property.

**'You destroyed the entire Shopping Mall!' Yuri blurted out. 'Misunderstanding my butt!'**

Shania (Yuri): I should know! I was there!

Yuri: Grr…

**The crowd applauded and laughed along with their host.**

Yuri: He said butt! Hahaha…

**'It wasn't entirely fault! Hunky Harmonizer did most of the damage. Him and his stupid fusions!'**

Alice: …except nothing he's saying actually happened.

Yuri: Hell, his grammar is getting worse.

Shania (G.P.): What was that white stuff in his prison food, anyway?

**Grand Papillion argued. 'If he hadn't done that stupid ? attack it'd still be standing.'**

Johnny: What? What's with the question mark in the middle?

Yuri: I think he means !. I doubt this guy has actually played the games all the way, I never used that!

Alice: Again, why is he making this stuff up?

**'All right moving on.' Yuri said. 'Your side kick Bat Boy? Is it true he escaped from prison and left you there? I mean how callous is that?'**

Shania: Ah, so he is the master of unlocking…wait. He couldn't open up a simple locked box, but he can escape from a jail cell?

Yuri: Forget logic and continuity. The story gave up here. But wait, maybe the script called for him to break the forth wall…wait…

Johnny: It's a paradox. Plain and simple.

**'He did no such thing. He brought me back curly fries…'**

Yuri: And I wanted straight fries…wait, that was a gay joke he just made there!

**The whole audience erupted into laughter at that last comment.**

Alice: It was the only good joke he made all day.

**Bat Boy sighed. 'Why did you have to tell every one that?' Still the audience laughed and even Yuri had to chuckle at that comment.**

Johnny: Why not laugh?

**'Right so your side kick escaped from prison just to bring you curly fries.'**

Shania: Thanks for clearing that up.

**'Yes.' Grand Papillion answered not caring that the audience had damn near wet themselves with laughter.**

Yuri: Boy, the author's cool! He used damn!

**After the laughing had died down, Yuri asked, 'So today we also have the Queer guys for the Vampires here to tell Grand Papillion about his fashion sense.**

Alice: This should be short and not funny.

**But if you ask me all leather is cool!'**

Johnny: The answer is always no.

**Gerad and Pierre slinked onto that stage with their weird walk that seemed to go hips before feet.**

Shania: The walk that haunts the nightmares of nightmares.

**'Oh my! He is just fabulous! The way he uses that colour and that bat skull!'**

Yuri: And that glitter is just so darn FABOULOUS!

**'Oh yes Pierre just amazing.'**

Alice: Just…amazing. Yes…just…amazing.

**After a few more questions Yuri cut to a commercial break and stood up. 'Curly fries hahahahahaha…' He answered walking off the set.**

Johnny: Really, who likes curly fries?

**'Get him.' Pierre suddenly said grabbing Grand Papillion and shoving him into a box.**

Shania: Our hero. Gets stuffed into box by two gay thin Frenchmen.

**'Lets go and throw him off the top of the building that way he cant interfere with our plans.'**

Yuri: They are pretty strong to haul his heavy ass to the top of a building that is tall enough to kill the brickbrain.

**Bat Boy groaned. 'Cant you guys be a little more original?'**

Alice: You guys are less original than Avatar!

Yuri: And that's saying something!

**The twins smiled at each other. 'No.' The answered in unison throwing a smoke bomb. As the smoke cleared they had gone.**

Johnny: As opposed to staying there. Seriously. You expect us to NOT know the purpose of a smoke bomb?

Yuri: Don't worry. It's almost over.

**'For Pete's sake… Why do I have to save him?'**

Shania: You don't have to!

**Scene Five – Daring Rescue**

Yuri: Not really…

**They were about to fling him off the cliff when Bat Boy burst onto the scene. 'Oh brother…'**

Alice: He still owes me five dollars!

**'What?' Came the muffled voice from inside the box.**

Johnny: BAD JOKE.

**'Now Gerad on the count of three. One; two; thr'**

Shania: Err…what comes after three?

**'Wait!' Bat Boy yelled. 'Look down there! There's some one wearing bright pink loafers!'**

Yuri: Sacrilege!

Alice: Blasphemy!

Johnny: Madness!

Shania:…No. I'm not doing it. I'm above that.

**The brothers dropped the box looking around for those delightful shoes.**

Alice: It's not in the soup bowl!

**'Look down there!'**

Johnny: It's in the soup bowl!

**'We must catch him!' With that they both jumped off the building realizing their mistake only after they had left the safety of the ledge.**

Shania: I regret !

**'You have got to be kidding me. Our second villains and they were so stupid they jumped off a building…' He said dumbstruck that they would actually fall for that.**

Yuri: They were villains? I mean besides the bank-robbing.

**And Bat Boy freed his brother from his box like prison, glad to have saved the day yet again.**

Alice: Save the day from what? Two gay men trying to…do something.

**'Thank you brother. You have lived up to your reputation as the best side kick ever!' Grand Papillion answered laughing triumphantly.**

Johnny (G.P.): Plus, I did nothing at all! Hahahaha!

**'I hate you sometimes brother.' Bat Boy answered leaving his brother on the roof.**

Shania: Which he blew up!

**And thanks to Bat Boy the world could rest peacefully again knowing that that dastardly duo had been defeated by their own fashion crisis.**

(Everyone gets up to leave)

Yuri: Fashion crisis? What crisis?

Johnny: And thanks to the narrator, we know the plot!

* * *

Shania decided to brush Alice's hair 90 times on a random urge. She got to 30 before Yuri interrupted.

"Hey gals! Look at Johnny!" He pointed to the door where he entered. Johnny came in, with dreadlocks like Joachim. He fashioned a knife out of a broken mop and was waving it around. Yuri laughed like a insane man and ran out, with Johnny chasing after him. Shania and Alice just remained there, saying nothing. Shania continued.

"31…32…33, our friends are weird, aren't they?" Shania said.

"Yeah. A little lower, please." Alice sighed.

"Okay. 37…38…39…oh. Hey Gilbert." Shania's prediction came true, Gilbert's face appeared on screen.

"Well, congrats on finishing Grand Papillion. We will search for our next story."

"You mean, YOU will." Nicolai said blankly. He licked his finger and turned the page.

"What's his deal?" Asked Alice.

"Meh…he realized how boring it is in our ship. The electricity is out."

"Wait." Shania raised her hands to quiet him. "You're in your own space ship?"

"Why yes. Building yours was so fun, so I made two. This one is the better one."

"The television is on the fritz." Nicolai turned over two pages, then turned back one page.

Johnny ran back in. His hair was back to normal, but Yuri's hair now had the dreadlocks. The two stopped when they saw Gilbert. Yuri used this moment to rustle his hair back normal.

"So nice for you two to drop in. Anyway, expect a very popular story that others like you have gone though. The Calvin and Hobbes The Movie: Island of Doom! It maybe a story that doesn't come from our universe, but anyone with that has the Mystery Science Theater tag in its title has to review it! It's going to fun!"

"Sure, fun." Nicolai turned another page, but realized he didn't read the last page so he turned back.

"Signing off!" The screen died.

Yuri and Johnny resumed the chase. Shania continued brushing.

And thus, our short, rushed story ended.

* * *

_Yeah. It was rushed. I need to work on other stories. Don't worry, the next chapter will be better._


	4. Calvin And Hobbes: Island of Doom! 1

_In the not-too-distant past -  
Last Sunday A.D. -  
There was a guy named Yuri,  
Way too different from you or me.  
He fought to save world many times,  
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.  
He did a good job fixing up the place,  
But his enemies didn't like him  
So they shot him into space._

__

Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,  
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).  
He'll have to sit and watch them all,  
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).  
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control  
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)  
Because he used those special parts  
To mess with Nicolai.

Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)  
Shania! (Black humor gal!)  
Alice! (Hi, girl!)  
Johnny! (What a cool guy!)  
Yuuuri! (He's a wisecracker.)

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe  
and other science facts (la la la),  
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,  
I should really just relax (Really)  
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"

* * *

_

"Hey." Johnny found something on the table in the living room. It was a letter, in a white envelope and having nothing on it save for one word, '_READ'_. The others crowed around him as he opened it. Johnny pulled out the note contained and read it out loud to everyone.

_Dear morons,_

_ We came to the conclusion that our method of dealing with you just isn't working. Even with the story we're sending you is bad, we may need to up the ante. So we decided to follow the example of the people who inspired us and have a exchange of inventions. Seeing of course that all of you are morons, we'll give you some time to make your first invention. You have until the end of today's episode to make one._

_Oh, we had a choice to either talk to you via screen, or send you a letter and work on our invention. So we sent you the letter via teleport and we work on our invention while you watch 'Calvin and Hobbes: Island of Doom!' Enjoy._

_ ~Gilbert_

"Lovely." Yuri grabbed the note, tore it to shreds, and tossed it out the airlock. He sat down in one of the chairs and twiddled his thumbs. The rest stared at him. Yuri did a double-take and shouted, "You waiting for a rock to bash you in the head? Get down here and help me beat the two dumb-asses at their game!"

Shania shook her head. "Gilbert is a mad sciencist and Nicolai is cunning. They will cheat."

Yuri looked at her. "So we cheat."

"How?"

"…" Yuri stood in thought. Alice sat down next to him. She patted his shoulder.

"Don't worry." She said. "We can do it. We just have to work together, and maybe we can find something to get us home." Johnny smiled when he realize they might not win, but they can build a way back home. He grabbed Shania by the arm.

"Come on, partner! We got to build…something!" He dragged her off screen.

"Should we follow?" Alice asked. Yuri shook his head, holding up three fingers. One finger went down, then two and once all fingers down…

The lights went nuts and the cry "WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!"came into the air. Johnny ran with Shania to the theatre with Yuri and Alice on foot.

* * *

**Author's note: This is my first story. Hope you enjoy it!**

Yuri: It always gets the young ones.

**One sunny summer day, a blonde-headed 6 year-old named**

**Calvin, was sitting in his tree house with his best buddy,**

**Hobbes. **

Alice (Calvin): How do we get down from here?

**They were planning G.R.O.S.S. club attacks on**

**their neighbour, Susie Derkins.**

Johnny: The booger cannon is a fan favorite.

**"Well Hobbes, looks like**

**we're in for a great summer of freedom to waste on ourselves!" Calvin said, grinning.**

Shania (Calvin): Did you bring the beer?

Johnny (Hobbes): Of course! Captain Morgan?

**"Yep. Nothing to do but play!" Hobbes**

**Agreed.**

Yuri: That's disgusting!

Calvin: We leave you with that nice mental picture!

**At that point, Calvin's Dad called from inside the house.**

**"Calvin, come here! I've got a surprise!"**

Alice: It's a lion!

Yuri: Get in the car!

Shania: I won't say the obvious joke. But we know Calvin is adopted!

**Calvin went in and over to Dad, who was packing suitcases.**

Johnny: Filled with the dead bodies of past G.R.O.S.S. enemies.

**Calvin stopped dead in his tracks, gasped and ran yelling,**

**"RUN HOBBES! DAD'S ON A CHARACTER BUILDING RAMPAGE!"**

Shania: And he has the chainsaw…ah!

**They then hid behind the couch.**

Yuri: In the house that his dad owns. See the problem?

**"Calvin, come out! This trip will**

**be fun!" Dad Yelled.**

Alice (Dad): We're going to Disneyland!

Shania (Calvin): Hooray!

Alice (Dad): …France!

Shania (Calvin): Poopy!

**"Oh, yep. Camping on a deserted rock is terrific! We get to sit in**

**a soaked tent, eat nothing but SPAM,**

Everyone: SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

WONDERFUL SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM!

**and watch fish gasp for**

**water in a bucket!" Calvin groaned. **

Johnny: Then put water in the bucket. It keeps them alive and fresh!

**But, even with his**

**complaining, the next day, he was in the car, heading for**

**some ugly old island.**

Shania: So the entire rant and hiding behind the couch scene was completely pointless! Haha-haha!

**Sorry about the short chapter. The next one will be longer!**

Yuri: Lies! All lies!

**The second chapter is here!**

Alice: And everyone celebrated.

Everyone: Yay.

**"Dad, are we there yet?" Calvin moaned after sitting in the car for**

**2 hours. "Yes, almost." Dad said, annoyed.**

Johnny (Calvin): You would be complaining if you been strapped into the car two hours before the trip even began!

**"Hey, Dad? Can we stop for hamburgers?"**

Shania: People burgers?

**"No! Not hamburgers! We've had nothing but hamburgers**

**for this whole trip! Let's get something else!" Dad yelled.**

Yuri: Well, what about people-dogs?

Shania: Nah, I have people-soup.

**Calvin grumbled about the injustices in the world,**

Alice: Like how he had home, food and two parents who haven't strangled him yet!

**And then sang, "TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL,**

**TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER-**

Johnny: Only 999,999 bottles to go! Come on, pitch in!

Yuri: Nay.

**"All right, all right! Here's a burger joint, are you happy!" Dad**

**screamed in frustration. **

Shania: You know? Fanfiction should be original, not stolen from the original source!

Johnny: And now we know why this story is a common target!

**They stopped at the restaurant and went**

**in. Mom and Dad got salads while Calvin ordered an Ultra Deluxe**

**Mega Super Triple Deluxe Mega-Size Burger. **

Yuri: And it is ultra deluxe mega super triple deluxe bad!

**It had 10 slices**

**of meat, 4 pieces of cheese, 9 tomatoes, 14 pickles, and 3 slices**

**of lettuce. **

Alice: You first must have life insurance before you can buy it!

**"Wow, that's one HECK OF A BURGER!" Calvin**

**exclaimed. **

Johnny: How you can even bite into it?

**Unfortunately, Dad stopped him from buying it.**

**"Calvin, if you're that hungry, I'll get you a Kid's Meal!" Dad**

**yelled. **

Shania: So you can stay hungry!

**So Calvin ended up with only 1 slice of meat, and a**

**piece of cheese on a bun.**

Yuri: And the rest of the meat can go to starving orphans around the world!

**After lunch, it was back on the road. Calvin and Hobbes were**

**bored out of their skulls, and Mom was VERY grumpy. **

Alice: Because all she got was a salad.

**"Oh, great.**

**A whole week without one decent cup of real coffee, or a single**

**newspaper." She said, angrily.**

Johnny: Like many women around the world!

**"I see you were up too late,**

**packing." Dad said, "But this build a lot of char- "DON'T SAY**

**THAT WORD, DAD!" Calvin interrupted angrily.**

Shania (Calvin): You know that word is EVIL!

**After a while,**

**something bad happened. A FLAT TIRE.**

Yuri: Damn minor road inconveniences!

Shania: IT'S BAD.

Alice: IT'S REALLY BAD.

Johnny: This is a problem to poor people. To a middle-class family, this shouldn't be a problem.

**OK. I lied. This chapter wasn't much longer. I'm sorry, please don't give me bad reviews!**

Alice: Don't worry. We'll post constructively.

**Hi, I'm back! Here's the third chapter!**

Johnny: You were gone all only a couple of seconds! Mommy!

Shania: Shh. Don't worry, the scary author will be gone in a few.

**"Uh oh, looks like a flat." Dad said. **

Shania (Dad): But it looks like an elephant to me.

Johnny (Dad): I mean, only the bottom is flat! The whole thing should be flat!

**Calvin started yelling**

**unfriendly words at the tire,**

Yuri: Like 'meanie.'

Alice: And 'dummy.'

Johnny: Don't forget the always classic 'your momma's' jokes.

Shania: Calvin trains tires for the army obstacle course!

**until Mom shut him up. "Calvin!**

**No cursing!" Mom scolded. **

Alice: IT'S NOT GOOD.

**Then Dad opened the trunk to get the**

**spare tire, and saw nothing but Calvin's comic books,**

**3 boxes of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, Calvin's inventions,**

**and cans of tuna.**

Johnny (Calvin): Hey, where is my death-ray?

Yuri: (Hobbes): I ate it!

**"All right Calvin, where did you put the spare!" He screamed.**

Shania (Dad): It better not be in my pants again!

**"Oh, I had to take it out to get all of my Captain Napalm comics**

**in." He said. **

Yuri (Calvin): And then I threw out the extra fuel for cereal, the second tire for my inventions, and the nuke for the tunas.

**Dad and Hobbes both yelled at him for that,**

Alice: Why Hobbes? You have all the tuna you want!

**and Dad ripped up one comic book, much to Calvin's extreme**

**anger. **

Johnny: Watch out! He might Hulk-out!

**Just then, Dad spotted someone in the distance. "Calvin,**

**come with me." He said, and then ran down the highway.**

Shania: The next day, a hitchhiker found the skull of a small human.

**Calvin and Hobbes followed.**

Yuri: Off a cliff!

**"I wonder who that is." Hobbes said. Once**

**they reached the person, Calvin shouted happily,**

Alice: HITLER!"

**"UNCLE MAX!"**

**Max, who was looking the other way, turned and said, "What-**

**Huh? Hey, bro! Hey Calvin!" **

Johnny: Hey, Shania!

Yuri: Hey, Alice!

Alice: Hey, Yuri!

Shania: Hey, Johnny!

**"Max?" Dad asked, "Could you help**

**us out? Our car has a flat. We need to get to a service station."**

Shania (Dad): Can I borrow your axe?

**"OK, sure. There's one a little down the road from here." Max**

**replied. "Thanks, c'mon! Oh, and Max, why are you out here?"**

**Dad asked.**

Yuri (Max): What I always do every weekend! Ho-ho!

**"My car was stolen." Max said, sighing. "Oh, that's too bad." Dad**

**said. **

Alice (Dad): Sucker!

**They then ran back to the car.**

**After a while of everyone pushing the car, they got to the service**

**station. **

Johnny: They could have just run to the station and got help, but hey, they're MAN!

Yuri: And MAN do things the long and hard way!

Alice: And that's why there isn't that many MAN around anymore.

**Dad got a new tire, and invited Max on the trip.**

**He agreed, and Calvin was a little happier.**

Shania: Only for a while.

**When they finally reached the island,**

**Calvin grumbled and said, "Oh boy, Good old Itchy**

**Island, Home of the Nuclear Mosquitoes."**

Yuri: Better than Hell Island, Home of the Devil Mosquitoes.

**"Bug bites build character!" Dad said. "Yeah, last year, you said**

**diarrhea builds character." Calvin shot back. **

Alice:...CALL CHILD SERVICES. NOW.

**"So think what a**

**fine young man you'll grow up to be!" Dad said.**

Johnny: If you live long enough!

**"Yeah, if all this**

**character doesn't kill me first." Calvin said, walking away with**

**Hobbes.**

Shania: Don't worry. Just ignore your Dad and you'll be fine!

**This still isn't that longer chapter I promised. I'm seriously sorry, but I hope you like the story so far. Some action is coming in the next chapter, so get ready.**

Yuri: I'm itching.

**Here's the action! Meet Dr. Darkshock!**

Alice: Congrats John Doe! You're now a mad scientist! What is your evil name?

Yuri: I shall be called…Darkshock!

**Up in a tree that night, a camera watched Calvin doing a**

**Spaceman Spiff fantasy sequence. **

Johnny: Ah yes, the Fantasy-Eye! It only records fantasy sequences!

Alice: Only $499.99!

**"The incredible**

**Spaceman Spiff leaps from the smoldering remains of his**

**spacecraft, and sets of to search the foggy planet Zok.**

Shania: All right, everyone. 1, 2, 3…

Everyone: **WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES!**

**He sees an alien approaching. **

Yuri: That's just Justin Bieber.

Shania: Same thing.

**Spiff dashes behind**

**A boulder and sets his Death Ray Blaster to Shake 'n**

**Bake, and leaps out! He blasts the alien, but it only**

**becomes angry!"**

Alice: The power of Bieber is too much for our intrepid hero!

Johnny: The Bieber uses his girly voice to make Spiff's ears bleed!

**Calvin had actually blasted Dad with several water balloons,**

**so within 10 seconds, Calvin was duct-taped into**

**his sleeping bag. **

Johnny: Admit it! You like Bieber! ADMIT IT!

**The camera wire inside that tree led down to a**

**secret lair underneath the island.**

Shania: If Calvin and family have been coming here for over 10 years, why did Darkshock choose here?

Alice: His name says it all.

**Inside it, a villain named Dr. Darkshock, watched on a TV**

**screen. "Yes! Oh yes! He's perfect!"**

Yuri (Darkshock): Yes, a hyperactive child is perfect. Perfect, I tell you!

**He said with a deep, evil**

**voice, **

Alice: As opposed to his high, girly voice.

**"He's exactly the person I need. Once I capture him, my**

**plan to take over the world can be completed! MWA HA HA HAH**

**HA, AH HA HA HA HA!"**

Johnny (Girly Darkshock): He can do my hair!

**He laughed maniacally. **

Shania: He coughs later.

**Up on the island,**

**Calvin's family was waking up from an interrupted night.**

Yuri: Damn college kids and their funky music!

**"DEAR! TAKE THAT GAG OFF OF CALVIN'S MOUTH! YOU COULD**

**KILL HIM!" Mom screamed at Dad, who took it off. **

Alice: When Child Services knows your number, it's not a good sign.

**"He probably**

**thinks it would be an improvement." Calvin snorted.**

**"Don't think that way, Calvin." Max said.**

Johnny (Max): He know it!

**Dad went out fishing later, so Calvin, Hobbes, Mom, and Max**

**were alone at the campsite. **

Shania: And I won't tell you what they were doing!

**Dad hummed to himself as he**

**headed to the lake. **

Yuri: Thrilling!

**He rowed the boat out, and cast his line**

**out. **

Alice: I just assumed that he walked his boat out and did the chicken dance.

**After catching 3 fish, he saw another boat coming up.**

**When it reached him, he saw that it was his friend, Bob.**

Johnny: Hi, Bob!

**"Hey, Bob! It's me!" Dad called. "Back off, chump! I'm busy!"**

**Bob said, angrily.**

Shania (Bob): Don't drag me into your story!

**"What the heck?" Dad exclaimed. Bob was his best**

**friend. **

Yuri: WAS. Keyword!

**Every Friday, Bob visited and they played cards.**

Alice: Dad cheated.

**But then why was he suddenly getting so angry at him?**

Alice: Because you cheated Bob out of his money, his house, and his wife!

Johnny: Hey, that explains a lot!

**Dad stopped thinking about it after a while, and went back to**

**fishing.**

Shania: The fish cheated him out of everything!

**After a half hour, he came back and everyone**

**ate breakfast. **

Yuri: Thrilling!

**"While I was on the lake, I saw my friend Bob,**

**and when I said hello to him, he started freaking out at me!"**

Alice: That's because you flipped the bird!

**Dad told everybody. "He was probably just tired, Dear. You were**

**out quite early." Mom answered. **

Johnny: …that makes no sense. If DAD was out early, then how come BOB was tired?

Yuri: Because Dad is Bob's mortal enemy.

**"Hmm, I guess so." Dad said.**

Shania (Dad): I talk to him Friday over cards.

**After breakfast, Calvin unpacked his stuff. "Hey Hobbes! Wanna**

**play Calvinball?" He asked. "You bet!" Hobbes answered**

**cheerfully.**

Yuri (Calvin):Hurr! I'm sure glad to have you as a friend Hobbes, buddy, oh, pal!

Johnny (Hobbes): Ah, gosh! That's the nicest thing I ever heard!

**They began to play, every minute calling out a**

**new rule. "Hobbes! You ran into the iced zone! You're frozen for**

**30 seconds!" Calvin called. "Oh man." Hobbes said, freezing in**

**place. **

Alice (Hobbes): Poopy!

**Calvin bonked Hobbes with the ball, thus scoring but**

**freeing Hobbes. They played for 2 hours before stopping.**

Johnny: They got BORED.

Yuri: Like the audience.

**Calvin felt a mosquito land on his arm. "Hey!" He said, slapping it.**

Shania: Uh-oh! That mosquito was nuclear! Calvin might become Calvinzilla!

Yuri: He might grow a foot or two!

Alice: He burps fire!

Johnny: The horror!

**When he hit it, his hand hit something****HARD****and he got**

**shocked.**

Yuri: Rough skin? Well, you need some Johnson's Lotion for that!

**"Ow! What was that?" He asked himself. He took the**

**crushed bug off of**

**his arm, and stared at it. "Hey, it feels… METTALIC!"**

Alice: Hey, the door is…OPEN!"

**OOOH, Mystery! **

Johnny: Only for the brain-dead.

**This was finally the longer chapter! Yeah! I'm still hoping for reviews! Send 'em in!**

Shania: I'll tell ya, this kid is going places! Places!

* * *

Yuri and Shania were whacking something under a sheet with hammers. Several cartoony noises filled the air while they hit the unknown object several times. Johnny and Alice just sat down and watched the creation of their last-minute invention come together. Shania took one last swing and put the hammer down, finished. As all of them celebrated, the screen switched on, showing Gilbert's ugly face.

"Oh, hey there, Penguin." Yuri said.

"Whatever! Nicolai! Bring it out!" He shouted off-screen. A grunt could be heard. "NICOLAI!" Gilbert's face turned red. Nicolai bought out another object under a sheet into focus and placed it on the table. Gilbert's face now became filled with glee. He danced over to the object and placed his hands around the top of the sheet.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Are you waiting for us to go first?" Asked Yuri.

"No! Presenting…" He threw off the sheet, revealing a small green machine. "The Candy Creator!"

"…pedophile." Said Johnny.

"Whatever!" Gilbert laid his hand on the lever. "Now, this is just a basic invention, but this one can do any sort of candy you ask of it. Nicolai!" Nicolai sighed, and walked back in. Gilbert waved to the machine and Nicolai spoke to the machine, saying, "Gumdrop." And lo and behold, a green gumdrop popped out. Nicolai tried to walk out, but Gilbert grabbed him. "Try it." Nicolai picked up the gumdrop and examined it. Gilbert looked over the scene, and then got the gumdrop shoved down his throat. He coughed it back up and it landed on the table, melting through. Gilbert ran off, holding his mouth with steam coming out. Nicolai picked up the table and threw it into the nearby wood-chipper and the chips went down a chute.

"Well, I guess you enjoyed the story." He said.

"You don't want to see our invention?" Asked Yuri.

"I don't care. Time heals all wounds, and time can open all wounds. I don't need Gilbert's little needs. I can do it all on my own." Nicolai grabbed some long longs and grabbed the gumdrop and it also went into the wood-chipper. It stopped, the acidicdrop melting the metal blades. Eventually the motor stalled and something exploded. Nicolai didn't care.

"So we worked all of five minutes for nothing?" Yuri asked.

Nicolai waved, but before he could speak, Gilbert screamed off-screen and then he continued. "Yes. Yes you did. All of you wasted your time."

"But it was good!" Yuri revealed a larger red machine. "Somehow, beating all the laws and going beyond our intellect, we created a machine that makes toys! Watch!" He shouted to it, "Solider.", and the machine sputtered, and out popped out a plastic WWII solider. He showed it to Nicolai.

He shrugged, and the screen switched off.

* * *

_End. _

_Coming soon: Calvin and Hobbes and the Island of Doom! Part 2._

_A problem with me is spacing. The Word Document I use has different margins, and when it comes over to the , paragraphs of five lines become paragraphs of two. It sucks, it makes me more lazier than I'm really am. It SUCKS. But my writing style gets to the point fast, so even if I mess with the margins, it wouldn't help. Ah well._

_See ya!_


	5. Calvin And Hobbes: Island of Doom! 2

_Happy 10__th__ Anniversary, Shadow Hearts.

* * *

_

**Down in Darkshock's evil lair, a huge machine was running at full**

**speed.**

Yuri: Slow down!

**A conveyor belt carried bug size robots to a loading**

**machine.**

Alice: Loading….loading….

**Darkshock's hand reached down and picked**

**one up off of the belt. "Hello, my pretty little MosquitoBot.**

Johnny (Darkshock): Aren't you the cutest killing machine?

**Go and get that spiky-haired kid bitten and then bring**

**him down here." He instructed the tiny machine,**

**before tossing it up a tube.**

Shania: What a sight! A tiny robot carrying a six-year old!

**Calvin was above ground, studying the metal**

**mosquito. **

Yuri: Crunchy.

**"Hobbes, I think something weird is**

**happening on this island!" Calvin said.**

Alice: And I don't think it's the drugs!

**"You can say that again!" Hobbes replied.**

Johnny (Calvin): Hobbes, I think something weird is

happening on this island!"

Yuri (Hobbes): You can say that again!

**"Well, this is definitely no a normal bug.**

Shania: This no game!

**In fact, I think it's a robot!" Calvin concluded.**

**"We've gotta show it to your parents!"**

**Hobbes said. **

Yuri: That worked before!

**Calvin and Hobbes then ran off toward**

**the campsite.**

Alice: And into the lake.

**Back in the field, a tree opened up, and a small**

**electronic mosquito flew out after Calvin and Hobbes.**

Johnny: He owns me money!

**"Mom!" Calvin called. "WHAT IS IT CALVIN! CAN'T YOU**

**SEE I'M VERY BUSY!" Mom screamed, furiously.**

Shania (Mom): I'M TRYING TO CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND WITH BOB!

**"Woah, Mom!**

**You don't need to freak out!" Calvin said, getting a little scared.**

**"WELL THEN, GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE!" Mom yelled.**

Yuri (Mom): I CAN'T TREAT BOB TO A GOOD TIME WITH YOU AROUND!

**Calvin ran off to look for Dad, who he hoped wouldn't**

**get mad. "Dad! Hey, Dad!" Calvin yelled. "CALVIN! GO PLAY WITH**

**YOUR STUFFED TIGER, AND STOP BOTHERING**

**ME!"**

Alice: I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING, SO DON'T BOTHER ME!

**"Yikes. That was creepy." Calvin whispered to Hobbes.**

Johnny: More like annoying and loud.

**This chapter is a lot longer, so enjoy!**

Shania: JUDAS!

**Calvin and Hobbes rushed away, wondering why everyone was**

**getting so mad. "Wait a sec… …didn't Dad say**

**that his friend Bob got really mad when he said hi to**

**him on the lake?" Calvin asked.**

Yuri: We already went over this the last time!

**"Yeah, he did. Hmm…" Hobbes answered. "What are you**

**thinking about?" Calvin asked. "Nothing. Let's go see Uncle Max.**

Alice (Uncle Max): CALVIN! I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND ME!

**I think the mosquitoes are coming back." Hobbes replied.**

Johnny: I think this is not important.

**"Hey Uncle Max! Max!" Calvin called. "Yeah Calvin?" Max said.**

Shania: Ah, he's not mad?

Alice: Wait for it.

**"Do you remember when my Dad said that his friend yelled at him**

**on the lake this morning?" Calvin asked. "Yeah." What about it?"**

**Max asked. **

Yuri: He's in mom's tent!

**"Well, now I said hi to my parents, and they went**

**insane!" Calvin answered. "Hmm, maybe they were just busy**

**working." Max suggested. **

Alice: Or maybe they got tired of you.

Yuri: Or possibly they just got annoyed of Calvin's antics over the years.

Shania: I'm going with the 'bad-story-syndrome'.

**"Yeah, maybe. OH! RIGHT! I have to**

**show you this thing." Calvin said, "It feels like a metal mosquito!"**

Johnny: But it looks like an iron car!

**"What? This is strange. This**_**IS**_**a metal mosquito!" Max said,**

**studying it.**

Yuri: And it looks _**EXACTLY**_ like a iron car!

**While he talked to Calvin about it, another one**

**flew into the clearing, heading for Calvin. **

Alice: _TWO DOLLARS! I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!_

**"Well, I don't know**

**what's going on, but someone should investigate it." Max said.**

Johnny: Somebody get the Ghostbusters!

**"Yes sir! Me and Hobbes will do all we can to get rid of the**

**aliens behind this insanity! Where should we start?" Calvin said,**

**trying to sound dramatic. **

Shania: In the mental institution.

**"What? Oh. Uh, Calvin I meant the**

**police." Max said. "Oh. Well I guess I'll just mope around here**

**then." Calvin said, disappointed. **

Yuri (Calvin): I just wanted to shoot someone!

**Calvin then swatted a bug away.**

Alice: And the whole 'Jaws' mosquito thing is resolved.

**A tiny camera on the electric mosquito buzzed out, and a TV**

**screen in a certain evil lair blacked out. "WHAT!**

**For Pete's sake! That stupid kid broke the machine!"**

Johnny (Darkshock): The whole mosquito thing is kinda stupid when you stop and think about it.

**Dr. Darkshock growled furiously, "Now I have to come up with**

**an entire new plan in under 6 days, or that kid will go home!" he finished.**

Shania (Darkshock): And then I would have to wait for another year!

**Darkshock walked over to the MosquitoBot machine,**

**and took about ten of the robots off of the conveyer belt.**

Yuri (Darkshock): Welp, better start dumping.

**"That**

**kid won't be able to get rid of all of you. Hehehe." He then sent**

**them up the tube. **

Alice: They don't seem to be a problem. Calvin destroyed two bugs.

**Back on the island, Calvin and Hobbes talked**

**about what was happening. "I wonder who is behind this." Calvin**

**said. **

Johnny (Calvin): I'm sure it's not a cliché mad scientist!

**"Maybe it was Rupert Chill from last summer!" Hobbes said.**

Shania: Isn't Chill from another author?

Alice: Yes.

Shania: Can this be considered theft?

Alice: Yes.

**"Nah, some other author wrote that story." Calvin said, sighing.**

Yuri: …HEY!

**"Oh, right. Maybe Dr. Retro?" Hobbes suggested, leaning against**

**a tree. "No, same as before."**

Alice: Bad joke is bad.

**"Garfield?" "No." "Godzilla?" "No."**

**"Hmm. YOU?" "NO!" "Hank the Cowdog?"**

**"FOR THE FINAL TIME, NO!" Calvin yelled, ending the stupid**

**conversation.**

Johnny: Cartoon characters couldn't have done it!

**"Well, whoever it is, we have to stop them!"**

**Hobbes said. "Right! Let's go!" Calvin said, jumping and running**

**off. **

Shania: CHARGE!

**"I didn't mean already!" Hobbes called, "Sigh, here we go**

**again."**

Yuri (Hobbes): 'Sigh'. I need a cold beer after all this.

**Here you go! This is sort of the revealing chapter. Hope you like it!**

Alice: Revealing like a sheet of black metal.

**Hobbes followed Calvin through the woods for a while, before**

**losing track of him.**

Johnny: How hard can it be to find a hyperactive child?

Yuri: Just look for the explosions!

**"Oh, great. He got too far ahead. CALVIN!"**

**Hobbes said. "I'm over here!" Calvin replied. "Where is here?"**

**Hobbes asked.**

Shania: How do you use eyes?

**"Here!" Calvin said again. "WHERE!" Hobbes**

**asked, getting annoyed. **

Yuri: Sight Fail!

**"Sigh.****UP****here." Calvin said.**

Alice: Isn't it always?

**"Oh. Above me." Hobbes said, looking up. **

Johnny: Oh. UP there.

**Calvin was hanging**

**by his leg in a tree.**

Shania: Elmer Fudd is loose!

**"I stepped on a deer trap, now help me**

**down, Furball!" Calvin said.**

Yuri: Deep trap? A leg snare?

Alice: Must be France.

**"No, you just called me a furball."**

Alice (Hobbes): And you know that's racist!

**Hobbes said, crossing his arms.**

**"AAARRRGGGHHH! Fine! You're not a furball,**

**now just help me down!" Calvin screamed. **

Johnny (Hobbes): You still used the word 'furball'.

All: LYNCH! LYNCH! LYNCH!

**"All right, fine."**

**Hobbes said, starting to climb the tree. Once he reached the top,**

**he hit the switch blade in his claws and cut the rope.**

Shania: Hobbes is gansta!

Alice: SHANIA!

**"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Calvin screamed, falling to the**

**ground. **

Yuri: And died.

**He landed on Hobbes, who had jumped down already.**

Yuri: Oh. So they both died.

Johnny: The End! Bye! (_He tries to leave, but the doors are locked._)

Nicolai: Try, try, all you want! You can't leave!

Johnny: ...help me.

**"Ow. Nice landing. I'm probably paralyzed." Hobbes said, lying**

**on the ground with Calvin on him.**

Alice: He went back to stealing from the comic.

**"All except your mouth,**

**apparently. Now get up, and let's go!" Calvin said, hopping up.**

Johnny (Calvin): Let's go to the next trap!

**"Fine. I'm coming." Hobbes said. They ran for a while but found**

**out nothing. **

Shania: Nothing but trees! Rocks! Nuclear mosquitoes!

Yuri: They ran out of plot!

**Calvin leaned on a tree and started to say, "Hobbes,**

**I don't know how we're find out !"**

Yuri: Calvin, if you want to leave Mrs. Wormwood's class, use correct grammar!

**The tree had slid to the side, revealing a hole that Calvin fell**

**into.**

Alice: A hole hopefully filled with gem-incrusted spikes.

Shania: It kills him, and we can get rich!

Yuri: Everyone is a winner!

**"Calvin! Are you OK down there!" Hobbes yelled, running**

**to the hole. **

Johnny (Calvin): Come on down!

**"Oh, sure! If you call probably fracturing your skull**

**OK, then sure, I'm at peak strength!"**

Shania: Ever since Calvin fractured his skull, he became a super hero!

Alice: Fracture Man!

**Calvin replied, come down**

**here and help me." "OK, I'm coming!" Hobbes called before**

**jumping into the hole.**

Yuri: Unfortunately, he fell into the second hole, the one with the acid.

**"WWWWWOOOOAAAHHHH!" Hobbes**

**yelled, sliding down a tube. **

Everyone: Wheee.

**"Oh, no. DON'T LAND HERE!**

**DON'T LAND HERE!" Calvin yelled as Hobbes fell at him. BAM!**

Alice: And they died! Again!

**Hobbes landed there. There happened to be on Calvin's head.**

Johnny: Whack-a-Calvin!

**"OK, Now I know I fractured it." Calvin said, rubbing his very**

**sore head. They got up, and headed down a hallway they were in.**

Shania: Ever seem to notice that when this story isn't ripping off the comic, they're ripping off old serials from the 1930s?

Johnny: Yeah, the boring ones.

**"Man, it's spooky in here." Calvin said. "Yeah. There's huge**

**machines everywhere." Hobbes said.**

Yuri: Instead of showing them, the characters will now tell us what is in the hallway they were in.

Shania: It's dark down here.

Johnny: They're bats everywhere.

Shania: It'll be dark soon.

Johnny: There is no way out.

**"Yep. It reminds me**

**of one of Spaceman Spiff's adventures on planet Zo-**

**"Calvin, this no time for a fantasy sequence,**

**so don't start!" Hobbes yelled, shaking Calvin.**

Alice: DON'T GO THERE, MAN! DON'T GO THERE!

**"All right.**

**Just go ruin the fun." Calvin said. **

Johnny: Believe me, he's not.

**"FUN! YOU THINK WE'RE**

**HAVING FUN! THEN GO SOAK YOUR HEAD!" Hobbes screamed**

**in Calvin's face. **

Shania: OKAY!

**They walked for a few minutes, and Calvin**

**suddenly stopped. **

Yuri (Calvin): I think we're nearing some plot!

**Hobbes bumped into him and yelled,**

**"AAAHHH! Calvin! You almost gave me a heart attack!"**

Alice (Hobbes): _Gack!_ Quick!...reach out into my pocket…

**"Well,**

**sooooorry. Watch where you're going." Calvin said. **

Johnny (Hobbes): Well, excuuuse me!

**For a few**

**more minutes, it was quiet until evil laughter cut through the**

**darkness. **

Shania: For laughing gas filled the hall.

**"Ha ha ha ha! That kid is in here somewhere in here!"**

**it said. Calvin and Hobbes gasped. **

Yuri: Very girly.

**"What was that!" Calvin**

**asked. "I dunno, but I think we better run!" Hobbes replied.**

Alice: Run where? You fell down a hole!

Yuri: Where else? To Wonderland!

**"Right! Let's go!" Calvin said before they ran off.**

**After about 5 minutes of running, Calvin and Hobbes stopped,**

**panting. **

Johnny: Running up the wall proved fruitless.

**"I think we lost whoever that was." Calvin said.**

**"Mua ha ha ha ha! Wrong!" The voice laughed.**

Shania (Voice): I need you to come in on Saturday…

**Just then, someone stepped out of the darkness, and threw a bag**

**over Calvin and Hobbes. **

Yuri: Oh no!

Shania: How can they ever get out of a bag?

Alice: Can Calvin use a invention?

Shania: Could Hobbes use his switchblade?

Yuri: No. They let the kidnapper take them away.

**"Aaaaahhhhh! Help!" They yelled.**

Alice: We're useless!

**Oh yeah! I loved writing this chapter! Here you go!**

Johnny: It's true. A mad man is even more scarier when he loves something!

**Review Answers: Comicfreak1007: Yes, Calvin will stay in a hotel!**

Shania: A question that only one person answered.

**Calvin and Hobbes screamed as a bag was thrown**

**over their heads. **

Yuri: Aw man, I hate re-runs!

**"AAAAAHHHH! Help!" Calvin screamed.**

**"Oh, shut up kid. Nobody can hear you!" The deep voice**

**said. **

Alice (Voice): Nobody cares about you! Nobody ever loved you!

Yuri: Geez, Alice, that's harsh.

Alice: I'm talking about the story, not Calvin!

Yuri: Okay!

**"Make me!" Calvin said from inside the bag. "Calvin,**

**shut up!" Hobbes said. **

Johnny (Hobbes): Don't be useful!

**Calvin grumbled for a while before**

**they were dumped out of the bag onto an examination table.**

Shania: Lunch time!

**Calvin spun around to face the kidnapper, but he couldn't tell**

**who it was because the person had his back turned. **

Yuri: Our kidnapper is rather shy around his victims.

Johnny (Kidnapper): Uhh…what should I say to break the ice?

**Suddenly,**

**the person turned around, revealing himself as…**

…**DOCTOR DARKSHOCK! **

Alice: Surprise!

Yuri: Just about as who's Darth Vader is.

Johnny: He's revealed to be…

…LUKE'S FATHER!

**"Hehehe. I knew I'd capture you two**

**eventually." Darkshock laughed. **

Johnny (Darkshock): Yeah, you guys suck!

**"Now to begin the test." He**

**said to Calvin. "TEST! OH NO! WAIT! I KNOW THE ANSWERS!**

**1612! THE BATTLE OF LEXINGTON! ELI WHITNEY AND THE**

**COTTON GIN! PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME A TEST!" Calvin screamed,**

**dropping to his knees. **

Shania (Calvin): Please don't make me repeat stuff from the comic!

**Darkshock stared at the moron on the**

**floor before simply saying, "Relax, kid. It's an****imagination****test.**

Yuri: Think of all of the hot babes and mud you can!

Alice: YURI!

**Now shut up so we can start, you little loon!" Darkshock yelled,**

**"Now, Number On-**

**"Wait!" Calvin interrupted. "WHAT IS IT, YOU IDIOT!"**

Alice: Your grammar teacher is kicking you in the pants!

**Darkshock yelled angrily. "We haven't introduced ourselves**

**yet." Calvin said. Dr. Darkskock smacked a hand onto his**

**forehead and dragged it down to his chin. **

Johnny (Darkshock): Damn, I'm a idiot!

**"All right, you moron. If**

**it will shut your little trap. My name is Dr. Gerald Darkshock!**

Shania (Darkshock): Stop laughing!

**The**

**soon-to-be ruler of the universe, AH HA HA HA HA- HACK!**

**COUGH!" Darkshock thundered. (And coughed!)**

Yuri: Huh. He IS a cougher!

**Darkshock sighed deeply before continuing. "I will**

**rule the world, and all I have to do is kill you, Earth Potentate.**

**AH HA HA HA HA!" He laughed.**

Alice (Darkshock): Well, thanks for listening to me, instead of running away.

**"Wha-? Earth Potenta- OH NO.**

**Not you too." Calvin said, rolling his eyes skyward. **

Johnny (Calvin): I'm tired of calling the loony bin!

**"Oh yes. I**

**have two important little messengers who told me all about you."**

**Darkshock laughed. **

Shania (Darkshock): I CAN'T believe you still wear diapers!

**"Oh great. Well, after that**

**REEEEAAAALLLLYYY looooooooooooooong introduction,**

**my name's Calvin." **

Yuri (Calvin): I'm not a alcoholic!

All: DENIAL!

**"Well, All righty then. Ahem, slaves! Get**

**in here to begin the test!" Darkshock yelled, clapping his hands.**

Alice (Darkshock, German): We vhall begin with the brain…

**A piece of the wall moved away, and two VERY familiar figures**

**walked into the room. "Galaxoid and Nebular!" Calvin and**

**Hobbes gasped. **

Johnny: Two characters who had only two appearances in the comic!

**"I know. It's not good. I mean, first we were**

**slaves to Retro, and now this!" Galaxoid sobbed. **

Shania (Galaxoid): At least in that story, we had correct grammar!

**"Yes, it's been**

**out of the flying ban, and into the wire for us!" Nebular bawled.**

Yuri: Get it? They're aliens!

**Everyone stared at the dimwit in front of them, before going back**

**to the original conversation.**

All: Which one?

**"Sooooooooooooooooo, let's start**

**the test already. Bring in the Imagination-Drainer!" Darkshock**

**shouted. **

Alice (Darkshock): Bring the salad bowl headgear!

**Nebular carried a large helmet attached to a**

**suction tube, and a tank.**

Johnny: Ladies and gentlemen, the portable Imagination-Drainer!

**"Imagination-Drainer!" Calvin**

**gasped. **

Yuri (Calvin): That's a stupid name!

**"Oh yes. It's an imagination test! This machine will**

**suck out our imaginations, and we will pit them against**

**each other! **

Alice: It would be like that Deadliest Warrior show, but even dumber!

Shania: Is it even possible?

Yuri: Hey, how would this help him to conquer the earth?

**Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Are you ready, brat!"**

Johnny: Are you ready, kids?

**Darkshock yelled, flicking the ON/OFF switch to ON.**

Shania: I'm sorry, I thought he pressed the switch to turn the electric fence on!

Johnny: Tim is going to be zapped!

**Two powerful lasers blasted out of the machine, and hit**

**Calvin and the insane doctor.**

Yuri (Calvin): It tickles!

Johnny (Darkshock): ARGH! IT HURTS!

**Seconds later, green rings**

**appeared around Calvin and Doctor Darkshock.**

Alice: And then it went red.

Yuri: I always preferred the PS3.

**The rings**

**rose up and made tall green tubes, which silhouettes appeared in**

**moments later. **

Johnny: I bet you that it looks like crappy CGI.

Yuri: The movie is coming out in a month. The whole thing is CGI!

**The three rings around Calvin had Calvin-shaped**

**silhouettes in them, while the three around Darkshock had**

**strange shapes in them. **

Shania: One was a round dinosaur.

Yuri: One was looked like a clown.

Johnny: One of them was Charles Mason.

Alice: Johnny!

**"Ahem, Dr. Darkshock, MEET MY**

**ALTER EGOS!" Calvin yelled,**

Yuri: No, no, no Calvin! You first need to shoot yourself in the head to summon your Persona!

**"Spaceman Spiff," The first ring**

**opened,**

Alice: And he fell flat on his face.

**"Tracer Bullet," The second ring opened, **

Johnny (Tracer Bullet): Today was going to be a weird day. I could tell, my gun was full and my bottle empty.

**"AND…**

…**STUPENDOUS MAN!" Calvin yelled as the last ring on his**

**side opened. **

Shania (S.M.): Let us do our introductions!

**The four Calvins all prepared to pound a little mad**

**scientist, but at that point, that ended up with more than a little.**

Yuri: It was a lot!

**Dr. Darkshock's rings opened and out stepped 3 more**

**Darkshocks. **

Alice: Huh. Darkshock is boring!

**"Calvin, Spiff, Tracer, Stupendous, and Hobbes,**

**meet my power clones!" Darkshock yelled. "Power clones?"**

**Hobbes asked, "What makes them powerful?" **

Johnny: Natural male enhancement!

**"This." Darkshock**

**said as a clone punched a wall, reducing it to specks of rock.**

Shania: But the clone broke his hand.

**Calvin's jaw dropped to the floor, and Hobbes' fur got bushy.**

Yuri: And then Hobbes laid an egg.

**"Ha! I'm not afraid of you!" Tracer said, pointing his gun at**

**all the Darkshocks. "Ha! You think I'm scared of that little toy**

**gun?" A Darkshock asked.**

Alice: I know real guns that are the size of a roll of film!

**"Oh, I expect you'll be**

**scared of us soon." Spiff said, setting his Death Ray Blaster to**

**"medium well". **

Johnny: Actually, I preferred my burgers well-done.

**"Then let's get started." Darkshock said,**

**gritting his teeth.**

Shania: And let's get finished!

_Everyone leaves.

* * *

_

"Johnny? What're you wearing?" Asked Shania.

"What do you think?" Johnny said. He somehow found a brown fedora, a trench coat and brown leather shoes. He kept everything else on. "I'm a detective! A 1930's detective, to be exact!"

"Why?" She stopped and thought. "Don't tell me that this has to with Tracer Bullet?"

"Yes, it does! Nicolai may be an evil, bored, man, but he did leave behind several good things! Like the complete collection of Calvin and Hobbes! And I just love the Tracer Bullet parts. It reminds me of…me! Oh, if I wasn't trapped up here, I redo the Agency to be the tough and gritty booze-drinking, cigar-chopping detective agency!"

"How is a kid's imaginative detective who can't ever solve a case be compared to you?" Shania stopped and thought again. "Oh…wait. I answered my own question."

"Shania!"Johnny shouted. Yuri and Alice had come over; overhearing and seeing Johnny.

"Johnny, the most important case we solved was uprooting a bomber, and the bomber didn't know how gunpowder worked. And for that matter, keeping a low profile!"

"The man was a first timer." Johnny took a different approach to ignore Shania. Monologuing in the style of Tracer Bullet. "He didn't the difference between a 4th of July firecracker and dynamite. He looked a bomber, he acted like a bomber, and he smelled like a bomber. And that was no assumption. A failed bomb was found in his gym bag."

"Okay…" Shania rolled her eyes. "Fine. Did Calvin find cats for a living?"

"One dame came in with a sob story about her ex taking her precious Muffin. I could tell you right off…" Now the two were talking together, but not at the same time. It started to mend together.

"Johnny, you may be an idiot…"

"…but a diamond is a diamond. So I set out…."

"…to find you drunk in an alley? Sorry, Johnny, but if you become a drunk detective…"

"…I will kill you. That what I said to the ex, holding the diamond and the cat. He had no idea…"

"…what you're getting into to. Johnny, people like him are targeted…"

"…and now I had to protect the dame from the group of mercs sent by the ex. I swear…"

"…that you're still alive. I'm glad that I picked up a ton of Pure items before…."

"…I took her and Muffin out for a walk, thank god that the gun store was having a sale. I don't normally…"

"…have to knock out my friends, but I always make an exception for you, you…"

" …you swine! This ex wasn't worth the trouble. His pants turned a darker color, and a liquid ran down his leg. And his insults? Oh god…"

"…are you listening? Johnny, a detective listens, not talks on and on…"

"…so I shot the ex in the leg. His yell sounded a dame on helium high. I would have laughed…"

"…if you weren't my friend. Geez…."

"….how was I supposed to know the whole thing was a scam to get the insurance off that egg? That ex got up…"

"…and hit you. And that's why you always check if the enemy died. Also…"

"…the dame turned out to be a sure-fire gun genius, picking up a hunter's rifle and aiming to where I was going rather than where I was! Damn…"

"…at times, you amaze me! Just, amaze me. Really? A…"

"…bazooka? Where the hell did they get a bazooka? I mean, I can't get one…"

"…so where the hell did you get that?"

Yuri and Alice walked away from the two, still complaining to no one. The two nodded and walked up closer to the viewer on the screen. Yes, you.

"Well, folks…" Alice started, looking for the right words.

"We'll back. As soon as we handle these two." Yuri said, holding a baseball bat.

"Yeah!" Alice followed suit by also grabbing a bat. "So…umm…we'll finish Calvin and Hobbes: Island of doom next." The two walked back to the unaware two….

"Oh, the button, Yuri!"

"Shoot, thanks!" Yuri ran back and pressed the button.

_BRRTTZZ!

* * *

_

_Sorry for coming out late. I've been working on other stories and college work. If you get bored, check out my other stories. Heroic League, MegaManX: Infinite Legacy, and Cursed Saviors. I'm working on all four stories at once, so wait and review._

_Please review. Flames are accepted. _


	6. Calvin And Hobbes: Island of Doom! 3

**Here we go! This is the Ultimate Battle!**

Yuri: But not of the ultimate destiny.

**Calvin, Hobbes, Spiff, Tracer, and Stupendous Man**

**moved around to form a C shape, the logo of "Team Calvin"**

Alice: Insta-teamwork!

**As you can probably guess, Team Darkshock formed a D.**

Johnny: And they failed!

Yuri: Wait, Calvin passed?

**"ATTACK!" Spiff yelled. "LIVE AND DON'T LEARN!" Calvin**

**screeched as a very stupid battle cry before dashing into**

**The middle of the D.**

Shania: Live and don't die!

**"Let the battle commen-OOF!" Darkshock**

**yelled right before Calvin tackled him.**

Yuri: Not the most humble way to go down.

Shania: Darkshock needs to get out more often.

**"HA! Pinned ya! 1, 2, 3, 4,**

**5, 6, 7, 8, 9,-**

Alice (Calvin): What comes after 9.9?

**BAM! A power clone slammed into Calvin, so in 2 seconds,**

Johnny: The two fused.

**Calvin was trying to get his head out of the wall 11 feet away.**

Shania: Thank goodness for the safe cartoon walls!

**Meanwhile, Hobbes was making his claws useful, and scratching**

**up the clones when they came near him.**

Yuri: When are claws not useful?

Alice: In bed…remember in Rouen?

**"HA! Take that! This is**

**better than helping Socrates prank Calvin! HI-YAH!" Hobbes said.**

Alice: Wait, a Greek philosopher is playing games with a stuffed tiger nearly 2000 years after his death?

Yuri: No, it's another character from another author's story. AGAIN.

**Eventually, each of Calvin's alter egos ended up fighting a clone,**

Johnny: I thought this is was a dance!

**And Calvin and Hobbes battled with the real Darkshock.**

Shania: It's a clone, ain't it?

**"HA!**

**You think you can defeat-OOF me!" Darkshock yelled.**

**"Oh yeah, you could say that!" Calvin said, throwing a punch into**

**the mad doctor's stomach.**

Yuri: Looks like Calvin has been going to the gym!

Johnny: No, it's established the Darkshock is a WUSS.

**Darkshock ran to the back wall and**

**whipped a beaker of chemicals out of a crate by the wall.**

Alice: Ah, a Deus ex Machina.

**He tossed it at Calvin, but missed.**

Johnny: Aim at his body, not his shadow!

**The beaker hit a robot in the**

**corner.**

Shania: Well, at least the janitor won't have to clean it up.

**Darkshock's eyes became the size of dinner plates,**

**and he whispered the words, "OH NO."**

Yuri: Hey! Darkshock is Mr. Bill!

**The robot, which was**

**turned off, suddenly it clicked on and started stalking toward**

**Dr. Darkshock.**

Alice (Robot): Sarah Connor?

**He started running like heck, and then said why.**

Johnny (Darkshock): Why?

Shania: Agh.

**"That chemical would turn anything, or anyone against their**

**friends, but since that robot was on my side, he's tryin' to kill**

**me!"**

Shania: A reverse Deus ex Machina. Interesting.

**He yelled as the robot picked up speed. Calvin and Hobbes**

**sat down to watch the show.**

Yuri (Hobbes): This is even more fun than watching the washing machine!

**"Pass the popcorn please." Calvin**

**said to Hobbes, who passed him a big bag of popcorn.**

Alice: Where did he…

Yuri: DO NOT ASK.

**Darkshock**

**ended up cornered. "Oh, crud."**

Johnny (Darkshock): This is mildly annoying.

**He said as the robot rammed into**

**him.**

Shania: And they did the nasty!

**Following the screams of pain from Darkshock, an explosion**

**was heard, and the robot's head bounced out of the corner.**

Yuri: So Darkshock's screams can blow off heads?

Shania: Must be Sindel from Mortal Kombat.

**"Ha ha! See, nothing can stop me!" Darkshock yelled**

**triumphantly.**

Alice: Well, except for the people stopping you.

**Stupendous Man, who at this point was**

**winning his battle with a clone. "Ha! Hoo! Yah! Take that, vile**

**fiend!" He said, delivering a blow to the clone's head.**

Johnny: FINISH HIM!

**After**

**a few more swift punches from Stupendous Man, the clone fell**

**down, dead.**

Johnny:…I didn't mean it!

Shania: FATALITY!

**"Oh yeah! I win! Uh huh, uh huh, all right!"**

**Stupendous Man cheered to himself.**

Shania: And…he gets shot!

**"ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT!**

**YOU WON, NOW HELP US OVER HERE!" Calvin screamed.**

Yuri (Calvin): GET OVER HERE!

Alice: All right, enough with the Mortal Kombat jokes.

**Stupendous Man ran over to Spaceman Spiff to help him.**

**Tracer, who's gun was loaded for a change, was still having**

**little bit of trouble dealing with his clone.**

Alice: His gun is cranky in mornings before he had his bottle.

**He kept on firing**

**at it, but it kept on dodging the bullets. "Man, you are**

**persistent!" Tracer said as his gun spewed out 3 more bullets.**

Johnny (Clone): Learn how to aim, noob!

**"Oh, I try to be." The clone said, dodging them.**

Shania: So…if he doesn't try, does he give up?

**Spiff had stopped**

**trying to fight, and was sitting in a lawn chair watching**

**Stupendous Man pound the clone.**

Yuri: Without popcorn? Aww.

**Calvin and Hobbes**

**had knocked Doctor Darkshock out before Stupendous**

**Man killed the first clone and Calvin was repeatedly**

**punching him in the face to prevent him from waking up.**

Alice: If you killed a clone, then just kill the original!

Yuri: Alice?

Alice: Sorry, logic is lost within the grammar errors.

**After a while, Stupendous Man had all of the clones dead**

**and in a pile in the corner.**

Johnny: Huh. Non-sequitur fight.

**It was then that Darkshock**

**woke up.**

Shania (Darkshock): Hey, why is my face so bumpy?

**"Ha! I'm surprised to see that you're all still**

**standing. But now I'll just strengthen the clones to make**

**huge, terrifying, murderous monsters!" Darkshock shouted.**

Yuri: I hate final bosses that have multiple forms and rounds.

**"You mean, unhuge, not-so-terrifying, murdered clones?" Calvin**

**said, motioning to the stack of dead clones.**

Alice: Calvin and his clones were latter arrested for murder. Coming up next, the trial results.

**"What! NOOOO!"**

**Darkshock yelled. "But still, I can kill you!" He yelled, as he**

**began stalking toward Calvin with his arms in the strangling**

**position.**

Johnny: Why you little!

**"Not so fast! Ahem, Stupendous Man?" Calvin said,**

**snapping his fingers.**

Shania: Hop to it, my slave!

**Stupendous Man then flicked a pillar, and**

**it collapsed into dust. **

Yuri: That pillar was made out of Styrofoam!

**"Oh, your little buddies are no problem."**

**Darkshock said, turning off the Imagination-Drainer. But it did**

**more than just get rid of the alter egos.**

Alice: It turned them into girls!

**HOBBES TURNED BACK INTO A STUFFED TOY!**

Johnny: CAP LOCKS FOR THE WIN!

**Calvin gasped,**

**ran over to Hobbes, and began crying. "NO! HOBBES!" He cried.**

Shania (Calvin): Well, better get a replacement.

Johnny: This is the only emotional scene between the two best friends.

**After about a minute, Calvin noticed two certain aliens staring**

**at him.**

Yuri: The less that's said about this, the better.

**"HEY! WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE! THIS IS AN**

**EMOTIONAL SCENE!" Calvin yelled at me.**

Alice: It is?

**"Oh, sorry." said me.**

Johnny: Damn author cameos!

Yuri: Yeah! Having the author as a character in your story is a cheap move!

Hardman5509: Wait. Wait. Did I just type that?

**"I'll just get rid of them." Galaxoid and Nebular then walked out**

**of the room.**

Shania: I'm getting confused.

Johnny: I was a LONG time ago.

**After Calvin was done crying, all he wanted to do**

**was KILL Darkshock.**

Yuri: But you already did! Five times in fact!

**Calvin dove at him, but Darkshock grabbed**

**him and tied him to a table.**

Alice: Nice moves.

**Then he pulled something off a shelf.**

Johnny: Ah. More possible innuendos.

**"Calvin, do you know what my master plan is?" Darkshock asked,**

**holding the thing behind his back.**

Shania: Must…resist…sexual…joke!

**"No, what?" Calvin said, trying**

**to kick the ON switch on the Imagination-Drainer.**

Yuri (Calvin): Stretch leg, stretch!

**"It was to send**

**Robot mosquitoes into the world, and when they bit people,**

**They would be hypnotized and do what I say!" Darkshock yelled.**

Alice: That…that…THAT'S YOUR PLAN! TINY ROBOTS THAT A SIX-YEAR OLD CAN CRUSH WILL HELP YOU TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Yuri: THIS IS MAKING THE VILLAIN FROM THE GRAND PAPILLION STORIES LOOK LIKE JAMES BOND VILLAINS!

**"And since you now know, you can't leave here." He said, taking**

**the thing out from behind his back.**

Johnny (Darkshock(: Here. It fits you perfectly!

**"Calvin, do you know what**

**this is?" Darkshock asked. "Um, a butcher knife?" Calvin**

**answered.**

Shania: That 'thing' being a everyday item. What tension!

**"Right, and do you know what I'm gonna do with**

**it?" "Uh, cut beef?" "No. I'm going to kill you." "Aw man, that**

**was gonna be my next guess…**

Yuri (Calvin): And my next guess after that was going to be that you were going to make me a salad.

…**AAAAAHHH! KILL ME!" Calvin screamed. "Oh yes.**

**That's all I have to do to conquer this planet!"**

Alice: That, and build better robots.

**He raised the**

**knife over Calvin, and prepared to plunge it into Calvin's chest,**

**but just then, something flew past them and knocked Darkshock**

**to the ground.**

Johnny: Please be ninjas. Please be something awesome.

**The figure looked at Calvin, and Calvin shouted,**

**"UNCLE MAX!"**

Shania (Calvin): WHERE WERE YOU?

Yuri (Max): Getting it on with your mom!

**Ok, where were we? Oh, yeah! Uncle Max just saved Calvin. Let's roll it!**

**(Buzzing sound)**

Yuri: These commercial breaks are getting dumber and dumber.

**"UNCLE MAX!" Calvin shouted. Max jumped off of Dr. Darkshock,**

**and ran over to Calvin to untie him.**

Alice: Unfortunately, chewing through the rope wasn't that smart.

**Once he was untied, Calvin**

**flicked the Imagination-Drainer to ON, and Hobbes came to life,**

**along with Spiff, Tracer, and Stupendous Man.**

Johnny: Don't forget Ms. Whazzle!

**"Wha! What is**

**going on here!" Max yelled in insane surprise.**

Shania: That would be nice to know too.

**"Uncle Max,**

**meet Spaceman Spiff, Tracer Bullet, and Stupendous Man.**

**They're my alter egos." Calvin said, pointing to each of them.**

Yuri (Calvin): And none of them are alcoholics!

**Max's mouth dropped open.**

Alice: And fell off.

**"Oh, and this is Hobbes, who I'm sure you've met already."**

**Max's mouth dropped open further.**

Johnny: His mouth fell into hell.

**"Now, let's get out of here!" Calvin said, getting up.**

**Darkshock, who had been dazed from Max's karate kick**

**to the head, had recovered, and was creeping up to Calvin.**

Shania: Well, if you don't first succeed…

**But, in about a nanosecond, he was tied up and gagged.**

Shania:...fail again!

**"Hehe, Good ol' Time Pauser! See ya Dr. DORKshock!" Calvin**

**shouted as they ran off.**

Yuri: You know, that's a improvement.

Alice: Hey, the Pauser thing is from another story!

Shania: Forget it. This story just fat out steals everything.

**Darkshock shouted a muffled**

**"DARKSHOCK!"**

Alice (Darkshock): Make sure to get one of my business card off the coffee table!

**But, Calvin couldn't hear him since he was**

**already verrrrrrrrrrrrrry far away.**

Johnny: He's the fastest thing alive!

**"C'mon Uncle Max!" Calvin**

**shouted as they ran for the ladder leading out of the secret**

**lab, holding the Imagination-Drainer.**

Shania (Calvin): Don't forget the nacho cheese!

**About ten feet away from it,**

**a cage slammed down over the ladder, and about 1000 computer**

**monitors around them began showing Darkshock's face**

**laughing at them. "Mua ha ha ha ha!**

Yuri (Darkshock): Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!

**You little thieves! Did you really think you could get out here**

**alive?" Darkshock taunted.**

Alice (Darkshock): WELCOME…TO DIE!

**"Oh yeah?" Calvin said. "Just watch**

**us!" Calvin, Tracer, Max, Spiff, Hobbes, and Stupendous Man then**

**ran off to confront the mad doctor.**

Johnny: I hate back-tracking!

**"Somehow, he got out of**

**those ropes immediately!" Max said as they continued running.**

Shania: He's a MAD SCIENCIST. He probably created 500 programs to remove ropes!

**More computer monitors lit up and showed Darkshock taunting**

**our heroes.**

Yuri (Darkshock): Ay ay ay, I'm your little butterfly!

**"Hahahaha! Find the central control room if you want**

**to stop me!" He yelled.**

Alice: MISSION START!

**At that point, all of the screens flipped to**

**a timer counting down. A robotic voice then said, "WORLD**

**TAKEOVER IN 15 MINUTES."**

Johnny: So, the little robot bugs are going to control the entire world in exactly 15 minutes?

Shania: I'm putting money on the flyswatters.

**"Hurry!" Calvin shouted. They ran**

**down halls and through passages looking for the control room.**

**The timer now said "12:42 till world takeover."**

Shania: Time flies, doesn't it?

**"Man, where could**

**the control room be?" Calvin asked. "Hmm, maybe it's down the**

**hall with the sign that says CONTROL ROOM." Hobbes suggested,**

**pointing to a hallway.**

Yuri: Hey, the story is making jokes for us!

**"Well, that ruined the drama." Calvin**

**muttered.**

Alice: What drama?

**Halfway down the hall, Calvin noticed a fire**

**extinguisher hanging on the wall. "This could come in handy!"**

**Calvin said, grabbing it.**

Johnny: This evil lair is filled with Deus Ex Machina.

**"C'mon, Mild Mannered Calvin!"**

**Stupendous Man called. "Mild mannered? That is something**

**Calvin is FAR FROM." Max said.**

Shania: This story is far from mid mannered.

Alice: More like mentally insane.

**The timer now said. "5:09"**

Yuri: Looks like time needs a speeding ticket.

**"RUN LIKE HECK!" Calvin shouted. Everyone took off and**

**continued down the hall. "1:38" Was what the timer said.**

Alice: But the timer was upside down. So the time is actually 83:10.

Shania: They could go out and eat at a fancy restaurant, do everyone's laundry, and clean their house in that matter of time!

**"We aren't gonna make it! We won't be able to get there in time!"**

**Calvin said.**

Johnny (Calvin): We won't make the last second mark!

**"Wait a minute! Hobbes! Get out my Chocolate**

**Frosted Sugar Bombs from my backpack!" He finished.**

Shania: Calvin had a Deus Ex Machina this entire time?

Johnny: When was that cereal ever that useful?

**"How can**

**You think of cereal at a time like this!" Hobbes screamed.**

Yuri (Calvin): Well, I'm hungry!

**"No,**

**I have an idea!" Calvin replied.**

Alice (Calvin): We can bribe him with the cereal!

**Hobbes grabbed the box out of**

**Calvin's bag, and tossed it to him. Calvin pulled 6 bowls out of his**

**bag, and somehow poured cereal into each one.**

Johnny: Now the story is accepting the fact it's just making stuff up. Great.

**"Hey! Uncle Max!**

**Spiff! Tracer! Stupendous Man! Catch!" Calvin shouted, tossing a**

**bowl to each person.**

Shania: And he hits them all in the head.

**Calvin crammed a spoonful of the**

**sugar-infested crud into his mouth, and his eyes popped to**

**computer size, and he was flying down the hall at 74 miles**

**per hour.**

Yuri: But, the information flowing through his brains at high speed caused him to explode.

Johnny: We keep the killing and greatly harming the characters. Is that weird?

**Everyone else did the same, except Hobbes of course.**

Alice (Hobbes): I want out of this story!

**He was just sitting there, reading the side of the box.**

Johnny: A far more interesting read.

**"Well, this**

**is interesting. The ingredients are: 1. Sugar 3. Uh,**

**there's no more." Hobbes said.**

Shania (Hobbes): There's a coupon for life insurance on the side!

**"HOBBES! GET YOUR BUTT OVER**

**HERE!" Calvin screamed. "Oh, fine. I can't believe that I'm doing**

**this." Hobbes thought, shoving the cereal into his mouth and**

**taking off down the hall.**

Yuri: And exploded!

Johnny: That will never get old!

**"00:39" The timer said. The door was**

**100 feet away, but everyone was slowing down.**

Alice: Come on, Deus Ex Machina!

**Calvin neared**

**the door… "00:13" Closer…**

Johnny: …but no cigars!

**"00:04" Calvin smashed through the**

**door…**

Shania: This base must be made out of paper-mache, or Calvin is just super-strong in this story.

Alice: I smell a cop-out.

**"00:01" And smashed the fire extinguisher into the**

**machine, destroying it!**

Yuri: If Calvin can destroy the door, why does he need a fire extinguisher?

Shania: False suspension.

**But, the timer still flipped to 00:00 and sent billions a robot**

**mosquitoes up the tube.**

Alice: Gee, that was a waste of time!

Yuri: Wait, I thought the counter was for world-domination, not the deployment of the robots!

Shania (Darkshock): You mad?

**Calvin swiped Spiff's Death Ray**

**Blaster and shot the machine with it, stopping the flow of**

**mosquitoes.**

Johnny (Spiff): Hey, can I use my own blaster? Can I do something?

**Just then, Dr. Darkshock stepped out of the**

**darkness and began laughing at Calvin, who quickly hid the**

**Death Ray behind his back.**

Shania (Darkshock): Uhh, I saw that.

**"You really thought that you**

**could stop me, didn't you?" Darkshock taunted. "But you couldn't,**

**could you?**

Yuri (Darkshock): Well, well, looks like I hold the winning hand!

**AH HAHAHAHA! Now I have that taken over the**

**world, you will be the first to become my slave!" He yelled**

**maniacally.**

Alice (Darkshock): THE WORLD…IS MINE!

**Max was holding the Imagination-Drainer,**

**which Darkshock grabbed from him.**

Johnny (Darkshock): Yoink!

Yuri: Hey, Max. What to hold onto the dangerous weapon of mass destruction a little tighter?

**"But first, I will destroy**

**your imagination once and for all!" Darkshock yelled, slamming it**

**onto his head.**

Shania (Darkshock): Ow! Too hard!

**Calvin did the first thing that came into his head.**

**Fire the Death Ray Blaster at the Imagination-Drainer, destroying**

**it!**

Yuri: No, fire at Doctor Darkshock's head!

**"WHAT! NO!" Darkshock yelled as bits of the machine fell to**

**the ground around him.**

Alice: I surprised the 'Death Ray Blaster' just destroyed the machine, and not harm Doctor Darkshock!

**Suddenly, a TV screen flashed on, and**

**showed a map of the earth.**

Johnny (Calvin): Hey! My house is right next to White Castle! Didn't know that!

**"YES! Darkshock yelled, pointing**

**to the screen. "Everyone on the planet is now enslaved, Mua**

**hahahahaha!**

Shania (Darkshock): With Justin Bieber on my side, who can stop me?

**I call on you to destroy these pests! Come here,**

**my servants!" Calvin, Hobbes, Tracer, Spiff, Stupendous Man,**

Yuri: Wait, isn't the Imagination Drainer destroyed?

Alice: Continuity is null, here.

**and Max looked around and saw every person on the earth**

**coming towards them…**

Alice: Pretty good eye sight, considering that he's underground.

Yuri: And there's mountains.

Shania: And long oceans.

Johnny: Max must have X-Ray and Telescope Vision.

…**at the speed of a mile per decade.**

Johnny: 10 years to go for a mile?

Yuri: I'm 108 years old!

Johnny: I'm fat and lazy!

Alice: I've fallen, and can't get up!

**"AAUUUGGGHHH! WHY**

**DIDN'T I PROGRAM THEM TO BE FASTER!" Darkshock yelled**

**angrily.**

Shania: Those robot bugs suck! Wait.

**(You might be wondering why Calvin isn't using the**

**Time Pauser, which I do not own! Swing123 owns it!**

Yuri: This story doesn't care anymore.

**But, Calvin**

**will use it soon!)**

Alice: Coming up next, on ABC!

**Meanwhle, the hypnotized people were still**

**advancing slowly.**

Johnny: And drowning. Don't forget drowning.

**"Man, I wish**

**I'd brought my Game Boy." Calvin said.**

Shania (Calvin): I'm bored, can't you tell?

**At that moment, all of the**

**people dove at Calvin, Hobbes, Spiff, Tracer, Stupendous Man,**

**and Max.**

Yuri: And hit the mountains.

**"Not so fast!" Stupendous Man said, sticking his hand**

**out.**

Alice (Stupendous Man): Children crossing!

**"Let's see how you deal with my STUPENDOUS SCREAM!"**

**he then screamed louder than a billion Calvins at bathtime and**

**shockwaves flew out his mouth, blasting Darkshock and**

**everyone who was hypnotized.**

Johnny: And everyone died when their eardrums exploded.

**"OR A LITTLE HYPER KICK!"**

**Stupendous Man shouted, delivering a huge blow to them with**

**his foot.**

Shania: MULTALITY!

**Everyone crashed into a machine on the side of the**

**room, causing a massive explosion, which completely destroyed**

**Darkshock's evil lair.**

Yuri: And everyone died!

**It also sent everybody flying out onto the**

**island.**

Alice: And some fell into the ocean, drowning!

Yuri: This story has a thing with situations which leaves the reader wondering if the character or characters are dead.

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter!**

NO!

**As I said, I don't own the Time Pauser or Calvin, or**

**Hobbes, or blah blah blah.**

Alice: Copyright is for wimps!

**I just own Dr. Darkshock.**

Johnny: And that's sad.

**Oh, one thing. I also sorta own own Dad's friend, Bob.**

Shania: How do 'sorta' own a character?

Alice: Bob had one appearance. I guess that counts.

**Now, here's the grand finale!**

Yuri: Hey, the story is telling us that the torture is almost over!

**Yes, I know that everyone on earth wouldn't fit on a little island, but bear with me here!**

Alice: Because logical is for morons!

**Calvin and his friends collided with the ground and shook the**

**island, then everyone else landed.**

Johnny: And they made a small thud.

Yuri: Main characters are heavier.

**Calvin jumped up and looked**

**around.**

Shania (Calvin): It's full of stars!

**He saw his hypnotized parents chai****nsawing the canoe**

**in half so nobody could get off of the island.**

Yuri (Dad): Now everyone in the world can't leave!

Shania (Mom): We can have a party! Break out the booze!

**Calvin then saw that**

**his friends were all knocked out. Darkshock's minions were still**

**approaching, so Calvin started shaking Spiff.**

Alice (Calvin): C'mon, we're missing the food fight!

**"C'mon Spiff!"**

**Calvin said. Spiff woke up a minute later, so Calvin said, "Spiff!**

**Get your spaceship down here!" Spiff said, "OK." And whistled.**

Johnny: That sentence ran like the fat man at a marathon.

**There was an explosion, and Spiff's ship began to head for them.**

Shania: The Imagination-Drainer can make objects appear in space?

Johnny: Even after destruction, this thing still pulls Deus Ex Machinas out of the blue.

**"Oh, come on! That isn't big enough to hold all of us!" Calvin**

**moaned, looking at the tiny red spacecraft.**

Yuri: You should know this Cal, considering that this guy is YOUR PERSONA.

**Well, I'll just**

**make it bigger." Spiff said. "HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT!"**

**Calvin screamed.**

Alice (Spiff): With Deus Ex Machina, of course!

**"Sigh, watch." Spiff said, climbing in and**

**pushing a button. The ship suddenly grew to the size of**

**an elephant.**

Johnny: I'm getting tired of the death jokes. Can we move on?

**After Calvin woke everyone else up, they all**

**climbed in, but Darkshock grabbed Hobbes's leg.**

Shania: Took ya that long, eh Shocky boy?

**"You're**

**not gettin' away this time!" He yelled over the roar of**

**the ship's engine.**

Yuri (Darkshock): I'm not going to hurt you!

**As it rose off of the ground, Darkshock**

**got a liiiiiitle bit scared, so he dropped down.**

Alice (Darkshock): Damn my microacrophobia!

**"I'll get you,**

**Calvin!" He screamed after the ship.**

Johnny: Don't forget the hand shaking.

**Once the ship reached**

**space, everyone started talking. (I'll just put it in cruddy script**

**mode to make it easier to write.)**

ARGH!

Yuri: This guy is a complete dumbass!

Alice: Why did he type a story to begin with?

Johnny: He called his own story cruddy! Why are we here?

**Calvin: So, how do we defeat Dorkshock when we go back down**

**there?**

**Max: Um, I have a questio-**

Shania (Max): What is the capital of Assyria?

**Spiff: Well, you could break out your inventions!**

**Hobbes: No way! No inventions!**

Yuri (Hobbes): They aren't useful!

**Max: I have something to sa-**

**Tracer: Well, the villain seems to be a clever one.**

**Calvin: WILL YOU STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!**

Alice (Calvin): You talk like smart.

**Max: Ahem, now then, as I was saying, I have a question-**

**Stupendous Man: Well, all villains have a weakness!**

**Max: AHEM! I HAVE A QUESTION!**

Johnny (Max): What is your favorite color?

**All: All right! What is it!**

**Max: Uh, how are we breathing up here?**

**Everyone's eyes narrowed into slits, and they tackled**

**Uncle Max. "Hey! It was just a question!" Max shouted.**

Shania: Well, here is your answer. You're inside of a spaceship.

**After 20 minutes of clobbering Calvin's uncle, who now had his**

**left arm in a cast, two black eyes, and a broken leg, was now**

**sitting in the back of the ship, with an extremely annoyed look**

**on his face.**

Yuri: Don't worry, Max. Cartoon inquires don't last long.

**He couldn't hear the plan the others were discussing,**

**but he did hear Calvin scream, "ALL RIGHT! THAT'S THE PLAN!**

**LET'S GO KICK SOME SCIENTIST BUTT!"**

Alice: Please just do it and end THIS!

**After all, who couldn't?**

Johnny: Eh? Was the narrator asking us?

**Spiff redirected the ship towards Earth, and went into**

**hyperspeed.**

Shania: And crashed! THE END!

Alice: This story is killing us!

**Hobbes looked at the radar and saw that there was**

**something huge coming toward their ship. Then a laser blasted**

**from the thing and hit Spiff's ship, sending them off course.**

Yuri: Watch out for Darth Vader!

**"Woah! Gotta turn off the hyperspeed shift!" Spiff said, yanking**

**on the controls. They wouldn't budge. In 30 seconds, the ship**

**began to freeze from being so far away from the sun.**

Alice: Ladies and gentlemen, we lost the patience to question the logic anymore.

**Spiff**

**hammered on the heating control button to turn on the heat.**

**It finally worked, and the ice on the ship melted.**

Johnny: The ICE! It's gonna BREAK!

**The radar**

**showed the huge thing was following them. Calvin looked out**

**the back window of the ship, and gasped. "Th-th-that sh-ship**

**says Z-Z-Zokian Enterprises!" "WHAT! RUPERT AND EARL!"**

**Hobbes sreamed.**

Shania: This story is reaching new lows.

**Then, a megaphone came out of the ship,**

**and an all too familiar hacksaw laugh cut through the**

**non-existent air. "Ha ha ha ha! We're back!" Rupert's voice**

**laughed through the megaphone.**

Yuri: For how long?

**"Calvin, you're going down!"**

**Retro called. "Um, Calvin! I thought you said that you took their**

**ship and sent them somewhere that they'd never come back."**

**Hobbes said, staring at Calvin, crossing his arms and tapping his**

**foot. "I did! I don't know how they got back!" Calvin said.**

Alice: Deus Ex Machina is everywhere in the universe!

**"Why**

**are they back here?" Hobbes asked, annoyed. "I don't know!"**

**Calvin insisted.**

Johnny: Nobody knows!

**Suddenly, a claw shot off of Rupert's ship,**

**and grabbed them. "Aaahhhhhh!" Everyone screamed.**

Shania (Rupert): Yar! Prepare to be boarded!

**Rupert then started hauling Spiff's ship back to Zok.**

Yuri: Oh my god, THE AUTHOR LIED AGAIN! The story never ends!

Johnny: It's a bug hunt, man! Game over, man, game over!

**All this time, Spiff had been blasting the claw, trying to break it**

**off. "C'mon, nearly off." Spiff said to himself.**

Alice: Not like this story!

**Just then, Earl**

**spotted him. "Rupert! Retro! He's trying to break the claw!"**

**He yelled. "Uh oh." Spiff said before taking off.**

Johnny (Spiff): That's bad.

**"Calvin!**

**Rupert, Earl and Retro are coming!" Spiff yelled, running into the**

**ship.**

Shania: They're right there!

**Calvin reached into his pocket, and pulled out the Time**

**Pauser. "Ok. Here's the plan. Stupendous Man, you and Spiff**

**get out of the ship with an air tube, and get under Rupert's**

**ship. Then, start blasting and punching the bottom to bounce**

**Rupert, Earl and Retro into the air. Then I'll pause time, and you**

**can come back in here. Hobbes is gonna unlock the claw when**

**you're done."**

Yuri: Or, just use the Pauser, beat up the bad guys, free yourselves, and LEAVE.

**"Wait! How do me and Spiff get back in once you**

**pause time?" Stupendous Man asked. Calvin sighed deeply and**

**continued. "It's complicated.**

Alice: Like how Bieber got anywhere.

**You and Spiff lock arms, and attack**

**the ship. When I pause time, the claw will still be on the ship.**

**Then, since you're still touching the ship, you and the ship won't**

**be in time stop mode.**

Johnny: So, what's the point of using the damn thing!

**So you fly back here, none of us are in time**

**stop, because we're all touching the ship. Hobbes takes off the**

**claw, and we go. Rupert's ship keeps going and passes Zok,**

**and then, I unpause time!" Calvin said.**

Shania: It is complicated.

**"I still doesn't make**

**sense." Spiff said.**

Yuri: You still try to make sense.

**"I don't care! Just go do it!" Calvin said.**

**So, the plan worked great, until Stupendous Man couldn't knock**

**the bad guys off of their feet.**

Alice: Argh. I give up. I just…ooohhh…

Johnny: Why? Why why why why?

Yuri: Stupidity has enveloped this. We're damned.

**"We need something stronger than**

**just me and you attacking it!" Spiff said.**

Johnny: A Irate Gamer fan's head could do it!

**Stupendous Man looked**

**at Spiff, and a wide grin spread across his face.**

Shania: ~Oh~…yeah.~

**5 seconds later,**

**Stupendous Man was holding Spiff's legs, and smacking Spiff's**

**head on the ship.**

Yuri: I know they're in space, but physics would help!

**2 things worked.**

Alice: One, our brains died.

Yuri: Two. Our lives expectancy has fallen greatly.

**Spiff got bumps all over his**

**head, and Calvin trapped the 3 villains in Time Stop.**

Johnny: IT WORKED?

**"Now, back to Earth!" Calvin shouted, launching Spiff's**

**ship back to Earth.**

Shania: So…that was a waste of time.

Johnny: Well, we're finally reaching the end!

**That probably wasn't the smartest thing**

**they ever did.**

Yuri: That, and this story.

**Once they landed, they climbed out of the ship,**

**and a net was thrown over them. Dr. Darkshock walked over**

**to the net, and started laughing.**

Alice (Darkshock): I can't believe that worked.

**"Well, Calvin. You really thought**

**you could stop me, didn't you? Well, I've now proved you wrong."**

Johnny (Darkshock): Why took you so long to get back?

**He taunted. "You never could. You were doomed from when you**

**came to this island."**

Shania: LIKE US.

**"Wait! You haven't explained to me why**

**everyone got angry when they were talked to!" Calvin**

**interrupted. "Oh, they were probably just busy.**

Yuri: Huh. They're were annoyed.

**But anyways,**

**when I say you playing your little Spaceman Spiff" game, I knew**

**you were the one I had to kidnap.**

Alice: Looking back, that was a bad idea.

Yuri: And what did that accomplish? He released robots that controlled everyone. Calvin was USELESS!

**Your imagination was perfect! Now, good-bye, Calvin!" Darkshock**

**said, whipping out a gun labeled "Destructo-Blaster" and pointing**

**it at Calvin.**

Johnny: Wasn't that in a Ratchet and Clank game?

**Just then, Stupendous Man ripped through the net**

**and tackled Darkshock, sending the gun flying out of his hand,**

**and hitting one of Darkshock's minions on the head.**

Shania: So why didn't you do that earlier?

**That person**

**was Rosalyn. The green glow in her eyes disappeared, and she**

**was back to normal.**

Yuri: Random drop-in cameo!

**"Wha? What? Where! Where am I?" Rosalyn**

**asked, extremely confused. Calvin gasped. "Guys! Drop stuff on**

**their heads! That's how we can free them!"**

Alice: Hammer time!

**He shouted to**

**everyone. So, Calvin, Hobbes, Tracer, Spiff, Stupendous Man,**

**Uncle Max, and Rosalyn got up onto a hill covered in coconut**

**trees. They shook the coconuts out of the trees, and Calvin said,**

**"Ready, aim… FIRE!"**

Johnny: LET CRY AND SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!

Yuri: ARRWWWOOOOO!

**and they started pitching coconuts**

**down at everyone who was at the bottom of the hill. The**

**coconuts would bounce from head to head, freeing tons of people**

**at a time.**

Shania: Can this be considered a Deus Ex Machina?

Yuri: Yeah, what the hell? Go ahead!

**Then the freed people would pick up the coconuts on**

**the ground, and hit more people on the heads.**

Yuri: FOOD FIGHT!

**In 5 minutes, the**

**whole job was done, and everyone was advancing toward**

**Darkshock, who was cowering behind a boulder.**

Alice: Like always.

**"Not so**

**tough now, huh? ATTACK!" Calvin said, and everyone began**

**creaming Darkshock.**

Johnny: Nothing like mob rule to help a bad day.

**Apparently someone also called the**

**police, because 5 police boats zoomed up to the island.**

Shania: Wait. If 'everyone' in the world was here, where did the police come from?

Johnny: Magic pixie dust. That's the excuse I'm going with.

**"All right, you crazy scientist, you're under arrest for kidnapping,**

**attempted murder, and enslaving the world." One policeman said.**

Yuri: And let us add on a horrible name, a horrible plan, and for wasting everyone's time!

YYAAAYYYY!

**The police began leading Darkshock away, but he broke free and**

**shouted, "You haven't seen the last of me! HA HA HA!"**

Alice (Darkshock): Top of the world, ma!

**Then, a**

**jetpack somehow popped out of his lab coat, and he blasted off,**

**saying, "Farewell Calvin, Earth Potentate!"**

Johnny (Darkshock): You haven't seen the last of me! Now, good bye, forever.

**"Wait a minute! You**

**called me the Earth Potentate! That means-**

**"That's right! I'm an alien!" Darkshock laughed, ripping off his**

**head to reveal…**

Shania: Justin Bieber!

Johnny: Those will never get old! No, really!

**Well obviously, an alien head.**

Yuri: Well obviously, a lame joke.

**Mom and Dad ran up to Calvin and hugged him.**

**Mom said, "Calvin you are amazing. You've saved the world**

**again!"**

Alice: Wait, how do you know?

**Dad said, "You can choose a hotel to stay in for the**

**rest of this vacation!"**

Johnny: Disney World sounds nice.

**"Well, I pick the hotel we passed on the**

**way here! Oh, and Dad? Promise me something." Calvin said.**

**"What's that, Calvin?" Dad asked. "NEVER, take us camping**

**again." Calvin said.**

Shania: NEVER, do a story like this again!

Johnny: This ending is like a horrible video game ending. Beat the final boss, and a single screen saying, You Won!

**The End**

Yuri: Thank…god.

Nicolai: Hold that thanks.

_**This is the really short bonus chapter!**_

Yuri: Nooo….

Alice: It says it's short. Let's…finish this.

**The camera slowly zooms out of a theater screen.**

Alice: Focus!

**Calvin,**

**Hobbes, Mom, Dad, Susie, Susie's parents, Rosalyn, Darkshock,**

**Rupert, Earl, and the alter egos were sitting down clapping and**

**cheering.**

Johnny: They're clapping because it is finally over!

**Well, some of them are cheering. Susie sat in her seat**

**with herarms crossed.**

Shania: She's trying to figure out what 'herarms' is.

Alice: I think it's a Pokémon.

**"Hmph. I didn't even show up in that**

**stupid movie!" She snorted angrily.**

Yuri: She lost it. Get me my shotgun.

**"Susie dear, calm down." Mrs.**

**Derkins said. "No way. I spent 9 dollars on my theater ticket to**

**go into this dumb movie! I want my money back!"**

Alice: We would too, but ours was FREE.

Johnny: And we still got ripped off!

Yuri: We'll beat out of Nicolai.

**Susie**

**screamed, jumping up onto the back of her chair. Once Mrs.**

**Derkins finally got Susie down,**

Johnny: Down, girl, down!

**the credits started playing.**

Shania: Never have I been so happy to see a wall of text slowly crawl up with names I don't know.

_**Voice Actors:**_

_**Pamela Segall Adlon…**_**Calvin**

Yuri: Eh heh heh…no.

_**Tom Hanks…**_**Hobbes**

Alice: Err…

_**Bill Murray…**_**Dad**

Johnny: I've been slimed.

_**Tom Kenny…**_**Earl / Nebular**

Shania: What a waste of talent.

_**Eric Roberts…**_**Rupert Chill / Dr. Darkshock**

Yuri :WILL YOU JUST END!...PLEASE?

_**Kurtwood Smith…**_**Retro Griffin**

_**Jennifer Love Hewitt…**_**Mom**

_**Dakota Fanning…**_**Susie Derkins**

_**Eddie Murphy…**_**Uncle Max**

_**Daveigh Chase…**_**Rosalyn**

_**Dee Bradley Baker…**_**Various Voices  
**

Alice: Who cares?

_**Bloopers:**_

_**Director: Calvin and Hobbes The Movie take one.**_

Johnny: No one will laugh! No one!

_**Calvin screamed, "TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, TEN MILLION**_

_**BOTTLES OF BEER- "All right all- Wait, what was my line again?" Dad groaned.**_

Shania: Ha ha ha! Happy?

_**Calvin and Hobbes The Movie take two.**_

_**Dad looked in the trunk for the spare tire, but just saw Calvin's stuff." All right Calvin, where did you put the spear-I mean spare!"**_

Yuri: This is like the Irate Gamer's bloopers!

**(Much later…)**

**Take 74761!**

Alice: YOU FAIL!

Yuri: AGAIN!

**Darkshock stepped into the light, and Calvin screamed. "-**

**(20 minutes later…)-!**

**!-**

**"OK! OK! I get it! You're terrified! Now shut up!" Darkshock yelled, stomping away.**

Johnny: OK! OK! I get it! You're trying to be funny! Now shut up!

**Everyone was still sitting in their chairs, when Calvin and Hobbes**

**started arguing. "I'm the main character!" Calvin yelled.**

Shania: Laharl? Is that you?

**"I ****brought you back to life when you turned into a toy! That's why**

**it's called CALVIN and Hobbes!"**

Yuri: It's also in alphabetical order!

**"Oh yeah? I found you when you fell into Darkshock's lair!"**

**Hobbes yelled in Calvin's face. "Oh, right! Thanks for the help!**

**You also fractured my skull in the process!" Calvin replied.**

Alice (Calvin): And turned me into a super-hero in the process! Thanks a bunch!

**Hobbes dove onto Calvin and they started beating each other up.**

**Everyone else started arguing too, saying that they were the**

**main character. "I have to be the main character! I have the most**

**character!" Dad yelled.**

Johnny: When did this become Disgaea all of the sudden?

**Everyone stared at the idiot in front of**

**them, and went back to arguing.**

Shania: That idiot…being us.

**After a while, the theater was empty except for Calvin and**

**Hobbes, who then walked off of the screen.**

Yuri: The end?

**5 seconds later,**

**Calvin came back in and said, "Coming soon, to a theater near**

**you, Calvin and Hobbes II: School Daze!"**

AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

**Hobbes yanked him**

**back out.**

_**Trailer for the first movie**_

Alice: Oh, god, strike me down!

**You've seen them in the comics,**

Johnny: Where they had honor, and dignity!

**Now, their life is threatened, when they hit the big screen!**

Shania: Watterson is foaming at the mouth.

**Calvin: Wait! You called me the Earth Potentate! That means-**

**Darkshock: Ha ha ha! That's right!**

Yuri: I'm your…screw it. It doesn't deserve it.

**A camping trip gone wrong… (As usual)**

**Led to an adventure,**

**A mad doctor,**

**And a whole lot of laughs!**

Alice: Never so much wrong in one paragraph.

**Calvin: Uh, cut beef?**

**Max: Mild mannered? That is something Calvin is FAR FROM.**

**Darkshock: You little thieves!**

Johnny: Horrible memories are coming back!

**Nebular: It's been out of the flying ban and into the wire for us!**

**Calvin: RUN LIKE HECK!**

**Calvin and Hobbes The Movie: Island of Doom! Rated PG. Coming soon.**

Shania: Wait. Wait. IT'S OVER?

Yuri: YES! YES! THE DOOR IS OPEN!

Alice: OUT OF THE WAY!

* * *

"I'M DOCTOR EVILGUY!" Yuri shouted, eagle-spreading his arms. He had donned a black cloak, used a black marker to create a goatee and twirly mustache, and found a monocle.

"Yeah, yeah." Shania said with a magazine.

"FEAR ME, AND MY ARMY OF..." Yuri started to shuffle around in a chest. He pulled out, with a grunt, a toy robot. "...ROBOT SOLDIERS! THEY...uh...FIRE LASER BEAMS THAT...TURN PEOPLE INTO IDIOTS! IT...DRAINS BRAINS AND ALLOWS **ME!** TO HAVE THIER KNOWLEDGE! WITH IT, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!"

"That's nice, honey." Alice said with a book in hand.

Yuri threw his hands down, the robot toy falling out. "Being a mad, evil, scientist is hard. All the good ideas and the plans are taken. Even Darkshock's dumb plan had some merit!" Johnny walked up to and placed a arm on his shoulder.

"Give it a rest, Hunky." Yuri growled. "The super villain biz just wasn't made out for you."

"Thanks for the support...friend." Yuri said through gritted teeth.

"I agree." Gilbert's monitor switched on. "People like me, and Nicolai are born into this lifestyle. People like you, on the other hand, are the those who fight against us, and win to a annoying degree." He sighed. "Which is why you're up in here. To even the odds." He pulled down a chart. "Here is my first plan. First, I will inject the sewer rats with a fluid that contains a microchip which will transfer through a bite to a human. Then, I will turn on the chip to decide what I shall do with each human being!"

"Unless of course, the rats bite a dog." Yuri pointed out.

"Or the rats bite each other." Alice said.

"Or the chips dissolve." Johnny said.

"Or they just simply died." Shania said.

Gilbert scratched his head. He threw up his arms. "Whatever, next time is Forest Passion, a Legend of Zelda fic, previously done on a another, older experiment done by someone else. I tried to contact the person in charge of that station for advice, but she didn't answer me."

"Get to the point!" Yuri said, taking a breather.

"Okay. The story involves two underage kids going through a awkward romance before having a baby. Yes. That is correct." Nicolai walked in behind Gilbert, carrying a brown paper bag, sagging on his arms. "Oh, hello. Where have you been?" Gilbert asked. Nicolai smiled and shook the bag, and the sound of several things shuffling around could be heard. Yuri didn't know it what laid inside, but he based on Nicolai's face, the bag held something evil.

"Well, good-bye, Yuri. Enjoy the next story." Nicolai said, before grabbing something from his bag and threw it at the switch. Before the screen went dark, the word 'My' could be shown. Yuri felt a cold feeling on his spine; where did the word came into something so evil?

* * *

_This one…well…when the heroes were losing it, I was too. Really._

_The first eight chapters were bad, but had a constant line of thought and reason. Thought being unrealized and reason being skewed, but something did exist of a the last four is where the author went off his meds and decided to throw in whatever he could to make his 'story' (Air quotes for the win.) longer. My mind went blank, and I got a mild headache trying to make a decent joke. This makes me wonder how hard that the writers of the original Theater might had when doing some movies. I had to stop for a bit. That, and inFAMOUS got fully downloaded, and I wanted to play. _

_So, let us call this the 'Manos' of the Calvin And Hobbes Fanfiction, no, of the Comics section. __But hey, point me in the direction of another and then we'll see._

_I've contacted StarBlueDragon on Deviantart. She's pointed me in the direction of Presley. We will focus on that._

_So yeah. Next time is Forest Passion! Don't worry folks. If you know what Nicolai has, don't squeal. We'll tackle that one, but not now. _


	7. Forest Passion

_In the not-too-distant past -  
Last Sunday A.D. -  
There was a guy named Yuri,  
Way too different from you or me.  
He fought to save world many times,  
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.  
He did a good job fixing up the place,  
But his enemies didn't like him  
So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and read them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he tries his best,__To survive to the very end!_

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)  
Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)  
Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)  
Johnny! (How we escape?)  
Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Is it okay to admit to everyone that I'm scared?" Johnny asked.

"Yes. We're too." Yuri said.

"If Gilbert told the truth, this may be the worst story ever." Johnny said.

"That's the thing. They keep finding worst and worst stories." Yuri threw down the book he was reading. "And that last one wasn't horrible until the last part. This is only two stories combined to fit into one sitting. Yeah, I did some research. I couldn't read it due to Gilbert placing a block, but the reviews I could. And they're either insane, or disgusted."

"Thanks for scaring me even more." Johnny whimpered.

"Hey." Shania said, as she and Alice came out wearing nothing but towels; both on their bodies and heads.

"I feel better." Johnny said, looking at his leading lady.

"Don't try anything." Shania pulled from out of her towel one of her tomahawks. "A pipe burst, and our clothes were drenched. Can we trust you guys from doing anything?"

"Uhh….yes." Johnny managed to get out while ogling.

"That's a no." Alice threw her bible (Conviently placed near her.) at Johnny's head, which knocked him down.

"Alice. Alice!" Yuri held up his hands in surrender. "You can trust me, right?"

"No." Alice threw a second book, also landing.

"You know, that looks like a much better idea." Nicolai said. Gilbert, on the side, looked annoyed. "Just create robot versions of the two girls and unleash them upon the world. It's a good plan."

"You're right…"Gilbert nodded in agreement, before whacking Nicolai with a rolled-up newspaper. "NO YOU'RE NOT!"

"Whatever." Nicolai grabbed the newspaper and unrolled it. "I'll be in my room, trying to fix my tapes." He turned around. "Ta-ta, Yuri. My personal choice will be coming soon." He left. The cold shiver returned to Yuri.

"Why did I consider letting him on this?" Gilbert shook his head. "Never mind. Forest Passion is starting soon." Alice and Shania looked at each other. "Yes, to torture you further, I arranged that pipe to burst. And the theater has gotten considerably colder, seeing of course that I have been avoiding the heating bills."

"Or you can't pay it." Nicolai called from his room.

"Anyway, enjoy your hot story in a frozen hell. I made it just for you." Gilbert's screen went dark.

"Great." Shania muttered.

"I feel scared." Alice tied her towel tighter, taking off her head-towel for extra cover.

"Here." Yuri took off his bike jacket and wrapped it around Alice.

"Thanks." She smiled. "Do you want a towel?"

"Nah. I'm a man. Plus, I get to show off my muscles." Yuri flexed, more at Johnny than Alice.

"Shania! Take this!" Johnny took off his jacket and placed around Shania, much to her surprise.

"Johnny? I'll be fine in there. I wore a two piece wherever we went…" Johnny threw off his red shirt, revealing his flat, but fit chest.

"Not even close, shrimp." Yuri laughed, flexing even harder.

"All right, guys, we got the sign." Alice said, with her and Shania rushing in as both guys continued to try to outflex each other. The two ladies had to backtrack to grab the two and take them in.

* * *

**Link and Saria: Forest Passion _**

Yuri: I think the title is incomplete.

Johnny: Forest Passion: The Larch.

**Link woke up and got out of his bed.**

Alice: Sadly, he hit the wall.

**He looked outside. Kokiri Forest looked very beautiful and he knew that it was going to be a gorgeous day.**

Johnny (Link):I think today is the today where I burn this place down!

**After brushing his boyish blonde hair,**

Shania: And brushing his girly armpit hair…

Alice: SHANIA!

**he strapped on his Kokiri boots and prepared to leave his home.**

Yuri: But the door didn't feel like opening up.

Shania (Door): Hey, you haven't paid me in six years.

**But he stopped when he saw a white piece of paper on the floor.**

Alice (Link): Where's the rock?

**It hadn't been there when he went to sleep**

Johnny (Link): I'm too drunk to remember!

**and Link won- dered what it was.**

Shania: Me too. What is won-dered?

**He picked it up and read what was on it.**

Yuri (Link): Eviction notice? What the hell?

**It said, " Link: Meet me at Hyrule Castle at sunset.**

Alice: Bring your own beer.

**I want to watch the sun go down with you...and maybe after that we could go to the Sacred Forest Meadow...we'd be alone... " – Saria**

Johnny (Saria): And then we'll escape to South America to avoid the pending murder charges!

**Link smiled widely. He loved Saria very much and he knew that she loved him as well.**

Shania: That's what you think!

**Link thought about Saria's beauty for a few minutes. Her smooth, silky skin, her bright green hair, her adorable boots...**

Yuri: Saria is a Yoshi?

**Yes, Link was certainly overwhelmed by her.**

Alice: And overpowered.

**He then left his house and climbed down his ladder.**

Johnny: Sadly, someone forgot to fill the hole at the bottom, so Link got trapped and died!

**He skipped to Saria's house and saw her outside, clearing rocks.**

Shania: Good old slave labor!

Johnny: Nah, that's just ancient hate-mail.

**She noticed him and looked into his blue eyes.**

Yuri: Wait…if Link has blue eyes and blonde hair…

Shania: Heil Gannon.

**Then she winked and giggled gleefully.**

Alice: I think she's a airhead…

**Link's cheeks turned bright red and he slowly walked away.**

Johnny (Link): Daww…I think she likes me!

**Then Link decided that since it was such a nice day, he would leave the forest and enjoy the beauty until his date at sunset.**

Shania: You guys do know that Link is a player?

Yuri: I smell a orgy!

Alice: HEY!

**Link stepped into Hyrule Field. It was so beautiful.**

Yuri: We haven't gotten far, but the repeated use of the 'beautiful' and the like are starting to annoy me.

**The sky was bright blue, birds were chirping, and the sun shimmered down over the trees.**

Alice: The squirrels were barfing rainbows!

Yuri: …and they had passion!

**Link walked around the whole field many times.**

Johnny (Link): Uh…where the hell am I?

**Then he found a gossip stone and checked the time.**

Shania (Gossip Stone): Today, I heard that Princess Zelda plays with action figures!

Yuri: Ruto was seen sniffing a green cap.

Johnny: Malon produces her own milk!

Alice: JOHNNY!

**Three hours until his date with Saria. He had seen the sunset at the cast**

**le before, and thought it was breathtaking.**

Yuri: Back then, the sunset was like TV.

Alice: And free, too!

Shania: Until the king decided to put tax on it.

**He then walked to a tree near Lon Lon Ranch and slumped down against it.**

Alice: He scanned for hot chicks.

Yuri: He pulled out a pair of sunglasses and lit a cigarette.

Shania: The girls like a little, bad boy.

**He took out his ocarina and started to play various tunes.**

Johnny: That's all the description you will get.

Yuri: He's playing the AVGN theme!

**After a few minutes, Malon ran out of the ranch and approach- ed Link.**

Shania: Ed?

Alice (Malon): Git off my property!

**" Hi, Link! I thought I heard your ocarina! How are you doing? " Malon chirped.**

Yuri: Huh. Malon is a bird. I thought she was a cow.

Alice: Hey!

**Link sighed and replied, "Hi, Malon. I'm okay. "**

Alice: Sudden depression! You never know when it strikes.

**Then Malon asked Link to go to the ranch. Link protested, but she said it would only be for a few minutes.**

Johnny: Screw dialogue!

**Link reluctantly agreed. He didn't really want to, but Malon was so cheerful and nice. He couldn't say no.**

Shania: That, and she had cookies.

**Malon took him inside her house. There were Cuccos everywhere.**

Yuri: And they're mating!

Alice: YURI!

**" Try and find the magic ones, Link! " Malon giggled.**

Alice (Link): What do they look like?

Yuri: The ones with sparkles.

Alice: Edward Cullen is a Cucco?

**She tossed them about and Link laughed.**

Johnny: Animal abuse. It brings people together.

**Then the two of them ran among the Cuccos giggling and having lots of fun. So much fun that Link started to lose track of the time...**

Shania: Like Disgaea.

Yuri: What the hell? That Cucco is level 4000?

**Saria skipped all the way to Hyrule Castle. She was so happy. **

Yuri: But not for long!

Alice: Let us watch the wackiness!

**She couldn't wait to watch the sun go down with the boy she loved. She had even polished her fairy ocarina and planned for her and Link to play together.**

Alice: They can finally start that band they're always talking about!

**She got to the market and walked past the happy, laughing faces of the townspeople.**

Johnny: LSD Day is always a great day for all.

**She got to the castle grounds and looked at a vine among the wall.**

Shania: Which is more interesting thing that this story!

Alice (Saria): Hey…that vine looks hot…Hey, do you want to…hang out?

Yuri: I can't believe you made that joke…

**Link had told her about it and how he had used it before.**

Yuri: But she's a girl!

**She climbed up and waited for Link.**

Alice (Saria): He better not be playing Disgaea.

**One minute passed by. Then two. Three. Four. Five.**

Johnny: Then six. Seven. Eight.

Yuri: Soon, ten minutes passed!

**The sun was starting to lower. " Link, where are you? " Saria whispered.**

Shania (Link): Tipping cows.

**Malon took Link outside into the main ranch pasture.**

Yuri: Where the pig rolling began!

**She showed him all the animals and told him many interesting things about them.**

Alice (Malon): This cow has a drinking problem.

Yuri (Link): Ah. Hey, that pig is eating grass.

Alice (Malon): That's our special 'grass'. Want some?

**Link was enjoying himself very much. He had completely forgotten about his date.**

Johnny: Kinda like everyone else.

Shania: Saria is a creepy stalker.

**The sun was almost down. Saria watched as it slowly disappeared. **

Shania: And the Earth was destroyed in the explosion.

**And when it finally did, a tear ran down her cheek and she dropped her ocarina onto the castle ground below.**

Yuri: Ah. Saria is also the Crying Indian.

Shania: Saria is a lot of things.

**It broke in two and Saria climbed down the vine. **

Alice: Litterbug!

**She then left the castle, leaving her ruined instrument behind.**

Johnny: Saria was latter fined for littering. Unable to pay the fime due to her life as a tree hugger, she was sentenced to jail for thirty days.

**Saria sadly walked down Hyrule Field, planning to return to the forest and go to bed.**

Shania (Saria): Well, I'll stalk him tomorrow. I'll feel better.

**But then she heard something. It sounded like a laugh.**

Yuri: Actually, it was the sound of Link and Malon being stung by vengeful bees.

**A laugh coming from Lon Lon Ranch. And not just any laugh...LINK'S LAUGH!**

Alice: And she would know, considering that she recorded several tapes.

**She ran inside the gates, and desperately started to look for her friend.**

Johnny (Link): Hey, Saria! I'm…right in front of you, No. Turn this way. Over here.

**Then she turned towards the main pasture and saw it.**

Shania: Woah! She sawed the entire pasture?

Alice (Saria): For stealing my boyfriend, I'm taking half of this pasture.

**Link and Malon.**

Yuri: Malon had became Link's shoulder tumor.

**Holding hands and laughing together.**

Alice: It's hard to do that when you get fused to one's shoulder.

**A feminine gasp escaped Saria's lips.**

Johnny: As opposed to her normal manly growl.

Yuri: Err…not doing the 'Saria is' thing on that one.

**Link heard it and looked. He saw Saria's stunned face and remembered his date.**

Shania: Then forgot it when he realized that harming farm animals was much more fun than watching the sunset.

**" No! " he cried out. Saria took off, running out of the ranch. Link shoved Malon aside and ran after her, calling her name.**

Yuri (Link): Malon! Malon!

**Link looked for hours.**

Alice: Or minutes. He lost track of time again.

**He couldn't find Saria anywhere. He had almost given up.**

Johnny: Then he did.

**He decided to look in Death Mountain. **

Shania: Where Saria loved to throw rocks at people down below.

**But if she wasn't there, he would return home.**

Yuri (Link): It's getting late, and there are wolves out.

**He felt horrible for what he did.**

Alice: No he didn't.

**But whatever came of the situation, one thing was for sure. He would NEVER speak to Malon again.**

Johnny (Link): She'll grow up. With Saria, I get…

Alice: Don't got there!

**He ran up the mountain, searching. But he couldn't find her.**

Shania: He did find a hot-looking rock to mate with.

Alice: SHANIA!

**He tried playing Saria's Song on his ocarina, but there was no response.**

Yuri (Link): Come to me, my young slave!

Alice: ENOUGH!

**He went to the part of the mountain where Goron City was and collapsed on his knees.**

Alice (Link): You Maniacs! You blew it up!

**He screamed Saria's name. **

Johnny (Link): STELLA! I mean….SARIA!

**So loud that all of Hyrule probably heard.**

Shania: Shut up! I'm trying to sleep here!

Yuri: And I'm trying to cheat on my wife…OW!

Alice: Will…you…stop?

**Just then, a goron rolled by.**

Yuri: And right into Link, sending both plummeting.

**Link stopped it with a bomb and quickly asked it if it had seen Saria.**

Alice: The Goron first punched Link for throwing a bomb at him.

**It said that it saw a girl with green hair at the mountain's very top a few seconds ago.**

Johnny (Goron): And…oh, she also had a sniper rifle with her.

**Link thanked it and scurried up to the top as fast as he could.**

Shania: The crabwalk won't help.

**Saria stood at the mountain top's edge.**

Yuri (Saria): When is Malon coming out of the barn? What is she doing in there?

**She looked down. It was a several thousand feet drop.**

Alice (Saria): Perfect. I lead Malon here, tell her that Link is waving up…

**She closed her eyes and prepared to relieve her pain.**

Johnny: That damn aspirin will blow your eyes out if you don't first close them!

Alice (Saria): Ugh, I hate cough syrup! Why can't it taste like that orange medicine?

Yuri: Saria is a junkie?

**But just as she got in a jump- ing position,**

Shania: She slipped.

**Link appeared next to her.**

Yuri (Link): Surprise! I can teleport!

**He gasped, " Saria! I've been looking everywhere for you.**

Alice (Link): Why didn't you look for me?

**I heard you were at the top and I came as quick as possible!**

Johnny (Link): Need a push?

Alice (Saria): Nah. Want to join?

Johnny (Link): Sure!

**Can we talk? " Saria said nothing.**

Shania (Link): I glad we had this talk.

**She just looked at Link for several seconds and then turned back towards the edge.**

Yuri (Saria): His face…brr…makes me want to jump even more.

**Link said calmly, " Saria, listen. Malon just asked me over to the ranch for a little and I lost track of time.**

Alice (Link): You could have joined us.

Yuri: Threesome!

**I know what I did was wrong, but she doesn't mean anything to me! **

Johnny (Link): She's my sex slave! Want to join in…

Alice: Why? Why do I bother?

**I only went so that I wouldn't hurt her feelings!**

Shania: Wait. 'She means nothing to me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.'

Yuri: Link is a player…but you knew that.

**You're the only girl I want in my life, Saria. Please. Come with me. "**

Yuri (Link): Come with me if you want to live.

**Saria said softly, " You...you...mean it? " Link nodded.**

Alice: This reminds me of my romance with Yuri. Like how this is the complete opposite.

**Saria walked over to him, looked into his eyes, and thrust her lips onto his.**

Johnny: RAPE!

Alice: ARGH!

**The kiss lasted an hour long.**

Shania: It stopped when a rabbit kicked both for loitering.

**The night wind blowing through the two's hair. **

Yuri: Then the wind blew both far away.

**And when it ended, Saria opened her mouth and said,**

Alice (Saria): You taste like chicken.

Yuri (Link): Malon baked a Cucco for me!

**" Link...let's go to the Sacred Forest Meadow. Th...There's something we need to do. "**

Johnny (Saria): Burn it.

**Link smiled and held her hand. Then they both turned and started to walk down the mountain. **

Shania: Off the cliff, yes?

Johnny: Yes.

**Link and Saria: Forest Passion - Part 2 _**

Yuri: Part 2: Electric Bugaboo.

**WARNING! SOME PARTS OF THIS STORY HAVE ADULT MATERIAL AND SHOULDN'T BE READ BY YOUNG CHILDREN!**

Alice: Woah. Johnny, you should leave.

Johnny: I'm 21. How bad can it be?

Yuri: Based off this, we ALL should leave.

**Saria and Link arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow. **

Johnny: Missing the tea party.

**Link turned towards his beautiful mate and said, "Well, here we are."**

Shania (Link): Well, now what?

Alice: Beautiful again? This guy needs a thesaurus.

**Saria smiled and said back, "We sure are, Link." Then she laughed and ran to a tree stump.**

Yuri: She founded it more attractive.

Alice: That's the third riff we made about imamate love. Is that weird?

**She sat on it and Link followed. Just as he sat next to her, Saria said, "Isn't the Sacred Forest Meadow wonderful at night?**

Alice: Is it…BEAUTIFUL?

**It's so peaceful, so soothing, so...romantic." Link shyly grinned and said,**

Johnny (Link): Now can we burn it?

**"I know what you mean." Then he closed his eyes and moved in slowly for a kiss.**

Shania: Please slap him silly…please…

**But he didn't have to get all the way to Saria's face. She flew forward and gave him a nice, sweet kiss on the lips before he even came close.**

Yuri: French kissing…by ten year old kids. See the problem?

**Then Saria said softly, "Link..." Link, who was overflowing with joy, replied, "Yeah?"**

Alice (Saria): We need to get into better stories.

**And then Saria gave him a playful shove off the stump.**

Johnny (Saria): It's MY stump!

**Link landed in a nice patch of grass and listened to Saria giggle with glee.**

Shania (Link): Hah! Now I laid claim to this wonderful patch of grass!

Johnny: And thus, Link's drug ring was formed.

**"God, she's cute," Link thought.**

Yuri: Well, glad she's not BEAUTIFUL.

**Saria hopped off the stump and crawled on top of Link.**

Alice: I think we should close our eyes now.

**Both of them said nothing as they stared with love into each other's eyes.**

Johnny: Though Saria stare was actually of malice.

Alice: And Link stared with the thought of getting laid.

**Saria reached down slowly and unbuckled her belt.**

Shania: Oh no…

Johnny: Can we try to bust the doors down?

Yuri: I tried. No luck.

Alice: We're in for the long, hard haul…

**After that, she started to slip off her clothes.**

Yuri: Thankfully, she had a second set of clothes on.

Johnny: Please?

**Link knew what was about to happen and he was pretty happy about it.**

Alice: He had magazines where this happened often.

Yuri: Ergh, the riffs are coming out hard…

**He then slowly took off his Kokiri tunic. **

Johnny: Undershirt! Undershirt!

**In a few seconds, both were without clothes on. **

Shania: Will some cop come by and arrest these two for public vagrancy?

**Together, they rolled around over the flowers and grass. **

Yuri: And had plenty of grass, got high, and put their clothes back on!

Johnny: I'm hoping for some animal to come around and eat them. Too much to ask for?

**Specks of light floated around the pair. **

Alice: They then vomited.

**They kissed repeatedly, each one being so joyous and magical.**

Johnny: Joyous and magical are the words far away from this!

**Then they stopped.**

Thank god.

**Saria got in a position and lifted up.**

Shania: Noo…

**Link adjusted himself and went forward.**

Yuri: Please desist…

**Then, let's just say that he...dove in. **

AUGH!

**Link was shaking so hard with happiness that he thought he would explode.**

Alice: I'm about to explode too! From ANGER and DIGUST.

**In fact, he was so engrossed in the magical moment, that he forgot to use a condom...**

Johnny: I miss the days of annoying author cameos and Grand Papillion. I really do.

Yuri: Hell, I miss the Calvin and Hobbes rip-off ! Can we go back?

**It was a week later. **

Shania: That's going to be the amount of time we need to recover from this!

**Link had asked Saria to join him for dinner and she accepted.**

Yuri: Just dinner? Okay…

**It was a picnic on Hyrule Field.**

Alice: Hey! I thought this was a dinner!

**The sun was setting as the two ate and enjoyed each other's company.**

Johnny: Please don't go back to that….

**Every few seconds, one of the two blew a kiss to the other. **

Shania: Sexually-active grade schoolers. That's the mark of the devil.

**Their meal consisted of fresh fish and milk.**

Yuri: They forgot the poison I added in the fish.

**Link asked the fabulous Saria, "Are you enjoying the food?**

Alice (Saria): It's fabulous!

Yuri: Saria is fabulous?

**I caught the fish myself and I got the milk from Lon Lon Ranch."**

Johnny (Link): I milked the fish and gutted the cows!

**Saria frowned and said, "I suppose you got the milk from Malon, huh?" **

Shania (Link): Why, yes. Yes I did. I'm a player, you know.

Alice (Saria): Oh, you fabulous man!

**Link grinned and said, "Nope! I specifically avoided Malon and got the milk from her dad!**

Yuri: AGH!

Shania: This story is not safe for BACTERIA!

**I wouldn't of gone to the ranch at all, but they do have the best milk in Hyrule.**

Alice: The innuendo is killing me.

Yuri: Oh, hey, product placement!

Shania: After the release of Forest Passion, Lon Lon Farm closed down due to parents swarming.

**And I want only the best for you, my sweet."Saria's frown turned into an instant ear to ear smile. **

Johnny: Saria is the Cheshire Cat?

**Link then said, "You look outstanding tonight."**

Shania: Don't you mean fabulous?

**And she did. **

Yuri: Not.

**Her green hair blowing in the breeze, her twinkling eyes, her incredible outfit, and to top it off, her silky smooth skin.**

Alice: Saria is a…fashion model?

Yuri: I guess.

**Saria laughed, but it was a shy and nervous laugh.**

Johnny: She realized what happened.

**Link curiously asked, "Is anything wrong?"**

…

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

**Saria was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Well...kind of.**

Shania: That's the understatement of the year.

**Um...remember last week? The Sacred Forest Meadow?**

Yuri (Saria): Where we did the NASTY?

**Well, it turns out we didn't use any birth control stuff and..." Link's mouth dropped open.**

Alice: Like us.

Johnny: Can someone pass me a wrench? My jaw is loose.

**It hung there for minutes.**

Johnny: Again, like us.

**Saria continued, "I went to the potion shop in Kakariko today and got a birth control test.**

Shania: They sell those in a village that has nothing but CHILDREN?

**I went to get it because I had been feeling weird over the last few days.**

Yuri: Nausea. Like all of us.

**Anyway, the test was...positive.**

Alice: You think? You think this story won't reach the lowest point?

**We're going to have a baby." Link didn't say a word for twenty minutes. **

Johnny: This author has serious issue with time too. Do you know that seconds are actually Mississippi seconds?

Yuri: I'm more concerned with underage sex.

**And when he finally spoke, he flatly said, "This is horrible."**

Shania: This story is filled with absolute horror and understatements.

**Saria said, "No, it isn't! It's wonderful! A baby that came from me and you!**

Yuri: Can we stop and ponder this?

**Come on! Isn't that good, Link?" Link thought for a minute and said, **

NO!

**"Yeah. I guess it is good. Deep down inside...I think I really wanted this."**

Alice (Link): It's okay, I 'm insane!

**Saria whooped for joy. She was SO happy.**

Johnny: Or until she realized the complete insanity of it.

**She loved Link so much. She loved everything about him. His personality, his looks, his voice...**

Shania: The fact that he is willing to sleep with her?

**they were all so perfect. And she wanted nothing more than to have a child with the boy she loved.**

Yuri: Can you wait a couple of years before doing this again?

**The couple laughed together for hours. **

Alice: Please, die of exhaustion.

Johnny: I noticed that thinking takes minutes, but actions take hours.

Yuri: Which explains the writing.

Shania (Author): WOW! This writing thing is pretty fast!

**Then Link said, "Well, I already picked out a name for it! Link Jr.! Isn't that the greatest!"**

Johnny: Nope. Can't phase me with that horrible name after the UNDERAGE SEX.

Yuri: Guys, guys. Focus. Let us riff this to hell.

**A disgusted look flew over Saria's face instantly.**

Shania: Took you that long.

**She yelled, "What? You instantly choose a name without consulting me and that's that?**

Yuri (Saria): It's a girl, you moron!

**I'm the mother! We decide together! And also, Link Jr. is the stupidest name ever!**

Alice: Nah. Name is the worst name ever.

**It sounds horrible! I'd rather get an abbortion than have it named that!**

Johnny: WOAH!

Hardman5509: Okay. Now this is the worst fanfic I ever seen. Yeah. Worst than My *********

**Oh, what's wrong with me? **

Shania: Besides the obvious?

**You're a horrible person! I didn't think you could be like that!"**

Yuri (Saria): You're a horrible namer! Wah!

**Then she took a fish that was on her plate and hurled it at Link.**

Alice: FISH FIGHT!

**It slapped into his face and Saria took off, crying.**

Johnny: I think Saria is bipolar now!

Yuri: Everyone here is.

**Link wiped off his face and stormed away in the other direction. He didn't even bother to pick up the expensive plates that he had bought for the dinner.**

Shania: Those expensive plates will be put to better use.

Johnny: Like funding the grass drug ring.

**Saria wiped away the flow of her tears as she ran towards Kokiri Forest.**

Yuri: Geez, Link Jr. really hurt her.

**She was about to enter it when she bumped into a person. **

Alice: Run! It's Chris Hansen! He'll ruin your drug ring AND your wonderful sexual life!

**Both of them fell down.**

Johnny: To their deaths, hopefully.

**Saria looked up. It was Mido!**

Shania: Mido better be the Bearer of Sanity.

**Mido said, "Sorry, Saria. I wasn't watching where I was going. Say, have you been crying?"**

Yuri (Mido): You don't look fabulous!

**Saria sniffled a little and nodded her head. "You wanna talk about it? **

Alice (Saria): It's a long story….

**We could go to Lake Hylia." Mido said. **

Johnny (Mido): The drug ring is meeting there. We need to discuss how to move the grass.

**Saria softly replied, "Okay." Then both of them turned around and walked toward the lake.**

Shania: The Lady of the Lake drew Excalibur and slew them.

Johnny: That's how I'm ending this.

Shania: What about Link?

Johnny: He forgot about this and moved on to better things.

**Link walked angrily around the field. **

Yuri (Link): I'm angry.

**Who did Saria think she was?**

Alice: The mother of your child. I can't believe I said that.

**Throwing fish in my face...There just isn't an excuse.**

Johnny: Link Jr. is the excuse. It works.

**Then Link said out loud, "And Link Jr. is...is...hmm. I guess it...is...sorta dumb.**

Shania: Jr. is always dumb.

**And I'd be mad at Saria if she decided to name our child a dumb name without consulting me.**

Yuri: Saria Jr sounds better.

**Oh, no! I've been such a jerk! I have to think..."**

Alice: You can think? You can have a thought?

**Link walked towards Lake Hylia, because he always hung out at the fishing pond there when he needed to clear his head.**

Johnny: Fishing may be boring, but more interesting than this.

Alice: If Calvin saw this, he would join his dad on the fishing boat.

**Mido and Saria sat on Lake Hylia's grass, talking.**

Shania: And having all the grass for themselves.

**Saria was finishing up her story, **

Yuri: Good. Can we go?

**"And so he decided to name it an awful name all on his own! And he just expected me to go along with it!"**

Alice (Saria): And Saria Jr. was much more a suiting name!

**Mido nodded and said, **

Johnny (Mido): Good. Can I leave now?

**"Yes, I see. Link has been very selfish and stupid. He isn't worthy of you. You deserve a guy like mysel-"**

Shania (Mido): Because I'm more important than everyone. You should have come to me for loving.

**Mido's sentence suddenly stopped when he saw an enraged Link at the Lake's entrance. **

Yuri: Hey! Link is turning more green! Ha-haha!

**Link drew his sword and snarled, "Stay away from Saria!"**

Alice (Link): And my improbable baby!

**Mido stood up and said back, "No! You stay away from Saria!"**

Johnny (Link): No, you!

Yuri (Mido): No, you!

Shania(Saria): Hey, there's plenty of Saria to go around.

Yuri: Saria is a pro….

Alice: Yuri.

Yuri: Okay.

**Then Mido drew his own sword and approached Link.**

Shania: It's like the duel at the end of The Mask of Zorro. Only…dumber.

Alice: And mentally unnerving.

**Saria gasped in horror.**

Yuri (Saria): Did Mido pull that sword out of his ass?

**She didn't want anyone to get hurt.**

Alice: But she did enjoy watching them fight for her.

**Both Link and Mido lunged at each other. Their swords clashed and sparks flew as they did.**

Johnny: Their wooden swords are causing sparks?

Shania: Fire swords! Awesome!

Alice: Sadly, it's outweighed by the pregnant kid.

**The two warriors whirled, dodged and fought.**

Shania: I'm sorry, I thought they were sword dancing.

**Fought for the girl they loved.**

Yuri: The girl that one of them got pregnant.

Shania: The girl that the other came right out of nowhere to court her.

**Then Link used all his strength to unleash a fury of strong, quick, sword swings. **

Alice: But missed.

**Panicked, Mido desperately tried to block.**

Johnny (Mido): I forgot my shield. Can we continue it tomorrow?

**But he only escaped two of the many swings. The third cut across his chest. **

Shania: So, let us add murder to the things committed by Link in this story.

Alice: Link must have 'heroic immunity'.

Shania: Explains the breaking and entering, and the destruction of property in the games.

**Mido dropped his sword and stumbled backwards as Link watched. **

Yuri (Link): Good. Now people will know not to go after one of my girls.

**Then Mido fell backward into the lake. His body didn't emerge.**

Alice: Yay! Now the evidence of Link's crime has been hidden.

Yuri: The disappearance of Mido led to a fruitless search. Link was cleared of charges later.

**Saria ran to Link and hugged him. She said, "Oh, Link! Mido was so weird! All the stuff he said creeped me out! Thank you so much! Let's never fight again!"**

Johnny (Saria): Let us kill more useless people!

**Then she planted a nice, long kiss on his cheek. **

Shania: Did it last for hours upon hours?

Yuri: It was beautiful too.

Alice: And fabulous.

**Link's face lit up and he said, "Hey! Let's go on top of the tree. We can watch the stars together!" **

Yuri: Ah, midnight TV.

Shania: But it's always reruns.

**Saria smiled and walked towards the tree. **

Alice: Saria is a ninja?

**Link followed her and they both climbed the tree.**

Johnny: Please be the Whopping Willow. Please bash their brains out.

**On its top, the two watched the stars for hours and hours. **

Shania: And this story dragged for hours and hours.

**Stopping only to get each other a kiss.**

Yuri: What, no tree sex?

Shania: It's only the best kind!

**Link said to his mate, "Saria, I don't care about the baby's name.**

Alice (Link): In fact, I don't care for it at all!

**Whatever you want to name it is fine by me."**

Johnny (Link): As long as you don't name it Name.

**Saria giggled and said, "Oh, Link! I love...oh...oh!" Saria's stomach started to bounce.**

Shania: Unpossible. Just unpossible.

Alice: It finally hit rock bottom. We're damned.

**She uttered, "The...the...baby..." See, life is different in Hyrule. **

Yuri: As well as the child laws.

**If you are impregnated, you give birth in a week or so.**

Alice: No. That's how sick babies are born.

**Not nine months.**

Johnny: Screw healthy babies!

**Link said, "Oh my! Uh...come on! Push! You can do it! I know you can! I love you! Just keep going!"**

Shania (Link): Shoot it out! Shoot it out!

**That went on for a few minutes. **

Yuri: Hey, correct use of time!

Johnny: The story is almost over.

**After the minutes were over, Saria was holding a beautiful new baby.**

Alice: I hope Link knows how to safely remove the baby from the mother.

Yuri (Link): The red wire, right?

**Both smiled as they looked down at their newborn. Link took off his tunic and wrapped it around the baby.**

Johnny: So no afterbirth pain? Does Kokiris just birth babies just like going to the bathroom?

Yuri: I know it's cruel, but please, Link. Smother it!

**Saria opened her mouth and spoke first, "It's...it's wonderful." **

Yuri: It's horrifying.

**Link said, "I know. Hey, look. The sun is rising."**

Alice: And the baby was forgotten.

**They both turned their heads and watched it rise. The baby turned its head also.**

Johnny: However, the infant snapped it's recently-formed neck.

**All three watched the sun until it was at its peak. **

Shania: Yay, they got to watch the sun! It took a underage baby and murder for the two lovebirds to finally do what they set out to do!

Alice: And the story is finally over!

**And when it was, Link and Saria embraced in a long kiss. **

Yuri: Their kiss lasted years and years.

Shania: Eventually, they grew old and died!

**The couple loved each other so much and their passion for one another burned as hot as the sun above them.**

Alice: They had passion in a forest! Get it? The title makes sense!

Yuri: Yes, it does. Now, I need to use up our entire hot water supply to clean me of this movie.

Alice: I shall join you.

* * *

_RRRIIINNNGGG_

"It's for me." Johnny called from another room. Shania picked it up and handed it to him as he ran in. She and Alice's clothes had safely dried during the story, so Shania was in a better mood.

"Who is it?" She asked.

"A client." He said. "Hello. Forest Passion Recovery Hotline. How can I help you?"

"_Yes. I read the story when it first came out 11 years ago. I'm still having nightmares."_

"Thanks a lot." Shania said through gritted teeth. "Now I won't be able to sleep for years to come."

"Not now, Shania. So, what have tried to relieve the pain?"

"_Painkillers. It helped for the first two years."_

"Johnny, do you want me to become a drughead?"

"Shut it. Have you had any problems following the reading?"

"_Had to quit my job at GameStop. Couldn't look at any Zelda games without reliving the memories."_

"I like Zelda games. Please stop."

"_I didn't stop being social. I just couldn't look at anything Zelda related or I end up in a fetal position. I've been fine for the last three years, and I managed to play Twilight Princess without vomiting. I said I still have nightmares, but I had worse."_

"Good! At least the pain will end, some day!" Shania threw her arms up and left.

"Thank you for calling. I will send you a free T-shirt. I've your address. Don't worry, this isn't a scam. Thank you, and have a better life." He hung up. Upon hearing 'free shirts', Shania came back. "Say what?" She asked. Johnny smiled, and pulled from a box a green shirt that 'I Survived Forest Passion.' He took a mailing box and placed the shirt inside. He wrote down the address from the caller and sent it through a tube.

"Yeah, I found someone in the T-shirt business who also read Forest Passion. He had some spare shirts available, so I set up this crisis hotline to help others and give them a free T-shirt. I'm doing my good deed for the day!" Johnny turned to Shania with a smile. "What about you?"

She just grabbed the shirt and walked out.

"Oh, Johnny." Yuri came in from the same door that Shania had walked out of. He carried a posterboard with him. "Before we sign out, I think I should show you this."

"What is it?"

Yuri held it up with two hands.

Johnny's eyes bugged out. A green Yoshi with short green hair, bloodshot eyes, a ninja mask, a outfit that would make porn stars barf, a feather boa, carrying a video camera and binoculars, had sparkles all around it with a single tear dropping from one eye, and a smile that reached from ear to ear.

"YURI! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" Johnny shouted, trying to get away from the thing.

"It's Saria! She's the fabulous, junkie, stalker, prostitute, ninja, fashion model, Yoshi, Cheshire Cat and the Crying Indian!" He pointed to each thing as he said it. "You like it?"

"NO! KEEP IT AWAY, KEEP IT AWAY!" Johnny ran out of the room.

"Wait! That's not all she has! She has a prize below!"

AUGH!

Somehow, the show ended.

* * *

_Oddly enough, while writing this, I was watching SVU. Is that weird? _


	8. The Punisher In Hyrule

_In the not-too-distant past -  
Last Sunday A.D. -  
There was a guy named Yuri,  
Way too different from you or me.  
He fought to save world many times,  
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.  
He did a good job fixing up the place,  
But his enemies didn't like him  
So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

Yuri and Johnny were playing cards.

Yep. Playing cards. Poker in particular.

Neither were winning. Yuri had a secret deck in his arm, and Johnny had previously taped wining hands from a third deck under the table. So while Yuri got cards under his arm, Johnny quietly peeled a hand and switched it out. It was amazing that neither noticed the other and got into another fight.

"Call." Yuri said.

"Three aces." Johnny placed down the three, plus a King of Spades and a Seven of Hearts.

"Damn. Two Kings and two Threes." Also placed was a Jack of Spades. Johnny dragged the pile of six red tokens to his pile.

"I got 200 in fake dollars." Johnny said with a glee. "You?"

"Huh. Me too." Yuri said.

At the same time: "ARE YOU CHEATING?"

"Yes." Both boys turned to see both girls watching.

"How long…"

"The whole time."

"Yuri…how did you fit 52 cards in your shirt?" Asked Alice.

"Johnny…did you expect to get away by taping cards under the table?" Asked Shania.

"HEY!" Both boys started to fight, rolling around on the floor like Calvin and Hobbes.

"Hey." Alice pointed to the rising TV moniter. "Doctor Giblets is calling."

"Name-calling, huh?" Said the Penguin…Dr. Gilbert. "Well…that proves how immature you guys are."

"And you're the Persona of Maturity." Replied Nicolai, while reading his book.

"Shut up, you worthless partner."

"Never said I was your partner."

"Moving on. Today, I've something special for you. We're going into a something by a Jared Presley, AKA Ron Presley, AKA The Prez. Today, we shall look into "The Punisher in Hyrule", a…taste into what he's like. We won't be doing Presley next time, by we will do others."

"Doubtful!" Yuri shouted before being kicked by Johnny.

"Nothing can be as bad as Forest Passion!" Johnny said before Yuri countered with a hook to the jaw.

"We shall see." Gilbert giggled. He turned to Nicolai. "Would you do the honors and send them the story?"

"Nah. You do it. You're right there."

"How about you…" Gilbert shook his head. "Never mind! I'll do it!" He pressed the button. "What can you do?"

"Mess with you."

"STORY SIGN!" Alice and Shania shouted as they ran into the theatre, and their boyfriends rolled in.

* * *

**The Punisher in Hyrule**

Yuri: Reminds me of Hercules In New York!

**by ~The-Prez**

Alice: Which one?

Yuri: Any one would do.

**(Based on the scenario of Ocarina of Time, about the time that it is in when Link**  
**goes through time.)**

Johnny: With his rockin' DeLorean.

**Int/Lon Lon Ranch/Night**

Shania: Ladies and gentlemen, our scene.

**Ingo and Talon are playing cards around a table.**

Yuri (Ingo): Got any…threes?

Johnny (Talon): Go fish. Got any threes?

**Talon: The shipment, did it come this morning?**

Alice: Sentence fragment, did it come in this story?

**Ingo: Yeah, around 3 AM. They came in from the back.**

Johnny: Good old sexual innuendos!

**We gave them the milk, they gave us the rupees.**

Shania: Man, milk is in high demand.

**Talon: Were at poverty level now as it is. Are you sure this is the right thing to do?**

Yuri (Ingo): Prostitution is our only choice.

**Ingo: No, but neither is starving to death.**

Alice: I guess thievery is dead.

**They need the milk and plants for there 'supplies.' All we get is there money.**

Johnny: Umm, there? Should that be their?

**Talon: Another small shipment was supposed to take place about an hour ago, it never happened.**

Shania (Talon): It has our semi-colons!

**Ingo: What? I didn't receive word on this? We must assume the worst.**

Yuri (Ingo): PANIC! PANIC!

**They were arrested, they'll rattle on us to the Knights.**

Alice: I do like stories where they assume that the audience knows what's going on.

Yuri (Ingo): Then the Knights will tattle to the Pixies!

**We must leave, take the rupees with you.**

Johnny: Leave the bow, take the rupees.

**Talon gets up holding some, an arrow goes through his back and he flops to the floor.**

Shania: He does the fish flop!

**Ingo(Thinking): There outside, take the secret way out.**

Yuri: Hey, Ingo is a robot!

Johnny (Ingo): Must escape, first make dinner.

**The house is on fire, smoke comes in the room.**

Alice: When did that happen?

Johnny: Off paragraph.

**Ingo moves a piece of the wall and enters a secret cellar, he closes the door.**

Johnny: But he forgot to close the front door!

**Several arrows are shot in the room, but Ingo is no longer in the room so he's safe.**

Shania (Punisher): Darnn, my timing is off.

**Int/Cellar/night**

Yuri: In Passaic, New Jersey.

**Ingo runs through the sewers that led to Hyrule.**

Alice: Thank god that the story mentioned that he closed the door. Otherwise, the fire would have blown up all toilets in Hyrule!

Yuri (Ingo): AUGH! This was dumb!

**Ingo(Thinking):**

Johnny: A rare occurrence for him.

**I had my secret ways.**

Shania (Ingo): I'm a man of many talents.

**I made this way while building the barn, even Talon doesn't know in case he tried to double-cross me.**

Yuri (Ingo): I knew that Cucco bastard was no good!

**Ext/Lon Lon Ranch/night**

Alice: No! Are we going back to the beginning?

**The Punisher makes his scene,**

Johnny: With his new boots.

**he scans the area but only finds the charred body  
of Talon.**

Shania (Punisher): Huh. I thought I set it well-done. There goes dinner.

**Punisher(Thinking): Ingo was here!**

Yuri (Punisher): He marked his territory!

**Talon said it to me when I threatened him.**

Alice (Punisher): Right before I killed him!

**The fool, he though I was going to let him get away.**

Johnny (Punisher): That's why I let him go, THEN kill him!

**He picks rupees of the ground.**

Shania (Punisher): Oh boy! I can buy a birth control test from the potion shop in Kakariko!

Johnny: GAH! THE FLASHBACKS ARE KICKING IN!  
**  
Punisher(Thinking): I'm gonna need more supplies.**

Yuri (Punisher): Good thing I found some money on the floor! Instant Deus Ex Machina!

**This should cover it. I'll clean up the scum here.**

Alice (Punisher): Nothing like more fire!

**But how did he escape? I shot enough arrows to fill the room up.**

Johnny (Punisher): If only I aimed!

**The Punisher sees a hole where a wall once was before it was burnt down.**

Shania: I'm confused. Is the house burned down, or is it partially burned down?

Johnny: Don't bother.

**Punisher(Thinking): I'll get him later.**

Yuri (Punisher): I got errands to do.

**There's other business I must obtain to first.**

Alice: Is that finding better grammar?

**Int/Kokiri Forest/dawn**

Johnny: NO! WE'RE GOING BACK! Uahahahaha…

Shania: It's okay. There is no passion in this.**  
**

**Mido is with a few other Kokiri. **

Shania: This story simplifies everything!

Alice: Hey, Mido is alive again! Maybe we can see him die again!

**Mido: Where is it?**

Yuri (Mido): The grass. Where is it?

**Tito: It's all right here.**

Alice: Ah. Tito, the surfing Kokiri.

**He shows him the 'stuff.'**

Johnny: Eww!

**Mido: How much?**

Shania (Tito): A hundred for a one night.

**Tito: This is hard stuff to get. Almost got busted dude.**

Yuri (Tito): I had to give the police a freebie! I must say!

**Spent 3 days going into Hyrule Castle to get it.**

Alice (Tito): The king drives a hard bargain.

**750,000 rupees.**

Johnny: WOW! You can't even get that much in ten games combined!

Yuri (Tito): I know it's hard, but I had to pay 500 for it.

**Doki:**

Yuri: What is up with the names? These aren't from the game!

Alice: He's half of 'Doki-Doki Panic.'

Johnny: He shall discuss the conspiracy later.

**Mido, you don't have that cash. That's more than our whole entire Villages Capita Income.**

Alice (Mido): But this grass is what we need to purge our minds of Forest Passion!

**Tito: That's right, everything becomes mine. I'm the acting leader now if you want more of this.**

Johnny (Tito): So there!

**Mido: Boys, negotiations over.**

Shania (Mido): Because I suck at this.

**Mido stabs Tito, but arrows hits his men and he gets hit within 2 seconds.**  
**Another second gives time for Tito's meant to run, but 3 seconds later they**  
**fall before they even know their enemy.**

Yuri: Actions scenes are supposed to make sense, you dolt!

**Only an injured Mido is left on the ground alive.**

Alice: Then Link walks in, slashes his chest, and Mido falls into a lake!

Yuri: We need some counseling after this. Too many Forest Passion references.

**The Punisher walks up to him.**

Johnny: Yes, yes, we need to know every single step!

**Punisher:**

Shania (Punisher): Give me your shoes.

**Cute, use a sword.**

Yuri: Wooden swords are kinda of cute, I guess.

Johnny: No, wait, I think Mido's real name is Cute!

**You'd have been dead quicker if it wasn't for me. You'd all been dead. **

Alice (Punisher): They would have killed you, turn you into a zombie, and then kill you again!

**You have poor fighting skills.**

Johnny (Punisher): Noob.

**Mido:**

Shania: Don't you mean Cute?

**What do you want...**

Yuri (Punisher): I said, give me your shoes!

**The Punisher lights a stick and throws it into the drugs.**

Alice: It's super effective! The grass faints!

**Punisher: Not that, this is over.**

Johnny: His career in poetry would fall flat in the manner of days.

**I'm ending this business. A little fear will go along way.**

Shania (Punisher): Don't you know who the hell I am? I'm the goddamn Punisher!

Yuri: Not that scary, really?

**Mido: What?**

Yuri (Cute): WHAT IS THIS, I DON'T EVEN!

**He pours Zorian ooze on him.**

Alice: He's using fish guts? Eww!

**It's very flammable.**

Johnny: In the days before oil spills!

**Punisher: Wake up, it's light out!**

Shania: You rhyme / is lame!

**He throws the burning drugs at him, it burns.**

Yuri: Ah. The horrendous dialogue, it horrifies.

**The punisher throws water on a few minutes after that.**

Alice: No, don't do that! Now your Baked Cute is ruined!

**Int/Hyrule Castle/Castle Saloon/day**

Johnny: There's a saloon in the castle?

Yuri: All they got is piss-warm chango.

**Ganondorf: What is the situation?**

Shania: All our base belongs to them!

**Ramirez:**

Yuri: Yes, Ramirez. A common Hylian name!

**7 busts within 24 hours. It's unknown who did this, except for Talon.**

Alice (Ramirez): Sadly, he was overcooked.

**He gave us info, said the man called himself The Punisher.**

Johnny (Ramirez): We don't know who it is, but we know who it is.

**He literally came from nowhere.**

Shania: Our only explanation for the Punisher being here!

**Ganondorf: The economy?**

Yuri: That IS a good question.

**Ramirez: Crumbled.**

Alice: And that's the perfect answer!

**We lost more than we have. Our whole investment was in that.**

Johnny: So Hyrule's entire economy is based off drugs?

Yuri: The grass business had bloomed!

**Ganondorf: No! He still has the money and the stuff!**

Shania (Ganondorf): He's has my teddy!

**I want him dead.**

Yuri (Ganondorf): He…must…die.

**Ramirez: Knights.**

Alice: …of the round table, we dance when ere we're able!

**3 knights from the pub come up to them. A Goron, A Zorian, and a Gerardo.**

Johnny: Gerardo? Isn't that supposed to be Gerudo?

Alice: It's Spanish for brave spear-wielder.

Johnny: In this story? He won't live up to that.

**Ramirez: I have assigned 3 assassins. They're the top in their league.**

Shania (Ramirez): They got on the dean's list.

**They'll find the Punisher anywhere, anytime.**

Yuri: But not on Saturday.**  
**

**At one of the seats at the pub is a disguised knight, who really is the Punisher.**

Alice: Pub? I thought this was a saloon!

Yuri: Well, I do like a good ale.

**Punisher(Thinking): Yeah right, they couldn't find me when I was under their nose.**

Johnny: People think too much.

Alice: But nothing intelligent.

**Problem...they weren't in the war.**

Shania: Great, he's flashing back to his war days!

**They don't know who there enemy is!**

Yuri: 'THEIR!'. Not 'there', but 'THEIR'!

Alice: And what is he talking about? Is this an old Punisher?

Yuri: No, he's a hobo dressed as the Punisher. Let's call him Bob.

**Ext/Field/night**

Alice: Could this be in Texas?

**Outside the castle, the Gerardo rides a horse going towards the Gerardo village.**

Johnny: A entire village of clones? Wow, that's cool!

**She sees a bag full of rupees on the side of the road, she gets off the horse  
and grabs them.**

Shania/Akabar: IT'S A TRAP!

Alice: Hey, Gerardo is a girl. Okay.

**Gerardo #1: Ha, I pity the fool who left these here.**

Yuri: Hey, it's Mrs. T!

Johnny: This story should have been about Mr. T and his adventure in Hyrule!

Shania: I will pay good money to see that.

**The Punisher rides on a Black Stallion and runs over the Gerardo.**

Alice: Yep, traffic is pretty bad, even in medieval times.

**Punisher: No...your the fool.**

Johnny: Did he just call himself an idiot?

**Ext/Goron City/night**

Shania: Oh good. A description.

**The Goron is outside on the cliffside smoking a pipe.**

Yuri (Goron): I should try to find Bob, but I think smoking is the answer!

**Goron 1(Thinking): How am I supposed to track this guy down?**

Alice: Send him smoke signals!

**He has no pattern! I must though, for a big reward...**

Johnny: He needs that money for his pipes.

**The Punisher picks him up.**

Shania: The Goron was too high to care.

**Goron 1: Hey...how can you lift me? What are you?**

Yuri (Bob): My name is Bob. How are you?

**Punisher: Your reaper...**

Alice (Bob): You forgot to tip me!

**He throws the Goron off the cliff.**

Johnny: And…scene! Good!

**Int/Zorian River/hut/night**

Yuri: They thought it was drafty to build a hut in the middle of the river!

**Zorian 1 is in a hut by the river.**

Alice: Why are the characters are named by race and number?

Yuri: Because the author can't think that hard.

**He is looking through his weapons.**

Johnny: Hey, some competence! **  
**

**Zorian 1(Thinking): Everything's here. I must act before the others get to him. After all, it's my money, and mine alone.**

Shania: I'm rooting for this guy.

**He hears a sound in the bushes from outside.**

Yuri (Zorian): I set upon it with vengeance!**  
**

**Zorian 1(Thinking): It's the others! They're trying too off me! Want the money for themselves.**

Alice: Wow, this guy is somewhat cool.

**He gets his arrows out.**

Johnny: This guy throws arrows? That's cool!

**Zorian 1(Thinking): I can't just waltz outside! I'll use the scope.**

Shania: Come on, Z1! Kill Bob and end this!

**He looks around at the trees. The Punisher is hiding in one.**

Yuri: That's hard, hiding in a tree.

Alice: He's hiding in the larch! Hobos like the larch!

**Punisher (Thinking): Hmm, smarter than I expected, a few more seconds he'll have me.**

Alice: And…BOOM!...he gets shot during his inner-monologue!

**The Punisher is holding on a rope.**

Johnny: Thank you.

Alice: But he needs lamp oil and bombs!

**Punisher(Thinking): As a rule, always look under you.**

Shania: Do you ever talk?

Yuri: Does the original Punisher rhyme?

Johnny: No. But this is Bob, remember?

**The Zorian in his hut looks under him, sees he's in a rope circle.**

Yuri: That's one fancy rope trick!

**Zorian: Wha...**

Alice: I said the same thing too!

**It is pulled and has him by the neck.**

Johnny: Boo! Boo!

**Punisher(Thinking): That takes care of the 'threat.'**

Shania: Aside from this guy, the threat wasn't that much.

Alice: Why didn't he kill back at the saloon/pub?

Yuri: He likes to travel.

**Ext/Gerardo Fortress/day**

Yuri: See? Bob likes traveling.

**Ramirez is in the shotgun of a carriage.**

Alice: Carriages don't have shotguns.

Yuri: But the 1011 Forester does!

Johnny: And it comes with a free shotgun!

**There are horses behind him.**

Johnny: They're in reverse.

**Ramirez: We take off...**

Shania: …to Camelot!

**to get Hyrule Castle.**

Yuri: But it's only a model!

**Driver: How about the Punisher, think he'll ruin our plans?**

Alice: But the Punisher isn't here. Bob is!

**Ramirez: He's as good as dead.**

Johnny (Ramirez): Bob shall make good meat!

**Ramirez looks over and the driver is the Punisher, they take off with the Gerardo on horses**  
**following them.**

Shania: Ladies and gentlemen, the Gerardo Horse Show!

**Ramirez: How did you get by the guards?**

Yuri (Bob): I killed them! Hurr hurr!

**This is pointless, let me go. **

Alice: I agree.

**Punisher: I'm after Ganon, he's a hard person to get in contact too, however I think things will change after this.**

Johnny: Bob! He comes to town, come to save, the princess Mary…

**Ramirez: You bet they will!**

Shania (Ramirez): I got insurance!

**Ganon will destroy you, like he's going to destroy Hyrule.**

Yuri: Legend of Bob.

**Punisher: Nope, you're never going to make it in that battle. Get out.**

Alice (Bob): I got a date tonight, and I don't want a third wheel!

**Ramirez: Get out? You want me to jump in front of a militia of horses at full speed?**

Johnny: Ramirez isn't into the whole Jackass thing.

**Give me a chance.**

Shania: No, you want a Community Chest card!

**The Punisher aims an arrow at his head.**

Yuri: There's a shortage of bows in this world.

**Punisher: The same chance that you'd give me Ramirez!**

Alice (Bob): I want St. Charles Railroad!

**Ramirez jumps out and is trampled by the horses.**

Johnny: Those horseshoes will never come out!

**The militia start chasing the carriage. It stops.**

Shania: A chase scene on par with 'Mitchell'!

**Gerardo 2: What are we waiting for? Go to the carriage.**

Yuri: A big mistake any goon can make.

**They run up and the Punisher steps out with a flame-thrower. It burns many of the Gerardo.**

Alice: NO! The flamethrower BURNS people? I thought it just lightly toast people!

**Punisher(Thinking): If they get a good shot at the pack, then I'm toast.**

Johnny: TALK, DAMN YOU!

**More will be coming.**

Shania: Around the mountain they come!

**He runs down the field.**

Yuri: Shame he didn't have Epona's Song.

**To be continued...**

Alice: NEVER!

* * *

Shania pulled out a newspaper, date unknown, and opened it to Page B-5.

An arrow went right through the page. "What the…" She started to say before a second arrow removed the newspaper from her hands. As a barrage of arrows came raining down, Shania survived by hiding under a table. She looked up to see a Yuri dressed in black leather clothes and carrying arrows.

"Yuri! The hell!"

"Who's this Yuri?" Said 'Yuri'. "I'm Bob, the Punisher. I throw arrows." He threw an arrow at nothing, and hit nothing save for the floor.

"Stop! Seriously!" Shania got up to charge at him, but a rope from nowhere pulled her up off her feet. "When the hell did you get that set up?"

"I'm Bob, the Punisher!"Yuri shouted again. "Now, where's my stampede of horses? Johnny!" Johnny, the only new thing he had on was a pair of sunglasses, came into view.

"Sorry…all I could find was these cardboard cut-outs." He dragged three badly drawn horses near Shania.

"Good. Can you get me down?" Shania asked. Johnny nodded and threw a knife, sending Shania to the ground. After jumping to her feet, she prepared to bash Yuri on his head, but stopped when she noticed that Yuri wasn't moving. He just stood there, straight as a spear.

"Is he….thinking?" Shania asked.

"Yeah." Johnny threw his glasses off and walked away. Shania tapped Yuri, and he fell over, remaining stiff.

Shania rubbed her hands. "Well…that's all folks." She pressed the button, and all goes dark.

* * *

_After playing Zelda3DS, I realized that Kakariko Village isn't the Kokiri Forest, so my riff from Forest Passion doesn't make sense. Yet, that did lead to other questions. The village is OUTSIDE the forest, how the hell did Saria return? Second, the village doesn't have a shop in the PAST. (Remember, Young Link) Third, would anyone even consider selling a birth-control test to a minor? Sure, who knows how old Saria really is, but still_

_Anyway, next time is something special. In fact, someone made a motion-picture out of it! Find it on YouTube. _


	9. Legolas by Laura

_In the not-too-distant past -_  
_Last Sunday A.D. -_  
_There was a guy named Yuri,_  
_Way too different from you or me._  
_He fought to save world many times,_  
_Alongside with his girlfriend Alice._  
_He did a good job fixing up the place,_  
_But his enemies didn't like him_  
_So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Should we name the station?" Asked Johnny.

"This hunk of junk?" Came back Shania. "Why?"

"Well, we have been here awhile." Johnny pulled out a sketchpad. "Well, exactly nine days. But still, we could be stuck here a whole while longer. So I think we should make ourselves at home, and give our new home a name."

"Do you name every place you live in?"

"You didn't say anything about the Garland Detective Agency."

"That was different. We lived in our job."

"And this is our job now." Shania glared at Johnny, despite he was totally right. "So…?"

"Hunk of Junk."

"That's the best you can come up with? Shania…"

"Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Hunk of Junk." Yuri and Alice had walked in, with Yuri calling out to the audience. "Today, we christened our new home. And…" Yuri clapped his hands together. "…we're waiting for what story we shall watch today. They're actually late today." Yuri looked at his wrist, despite the lack of a watch. "I may not have a watch on…or own a watch…but they're late for about…two hours?" Alice nodded. "Two hours."

"So?" Shania retorted. "That's good. We have a day off. Let us enjoy this while we can, before they bring down the screen and say those evil words." She grabbed a book. "And, yes, I probably jinxed us, but still, I want to enjoy this silence. I want to finish my book." She buried her head into the book. Alice walked up to the only other female member on board.

"Umm…Shania?" She asked.

"Yes, Alice?"

"What book are you reading? The cover…doesn't have a title. Why is that?"

"It's none of your damn business." Shania replied with little emotion.

"What…" Before Alice could really get angry, the light came on.

"Sorry, Shania. Looks we have a job to do. Doctor Spamlot is calling."

Nicolai's smug grin was the first thing everyone saw. The Hunk of Junk's crew had a little scream. Unlike Gilbert's dirty mug, the simple act of putting on a small smile was Nicolai's calling card.

"Why, hello. I see that you're entertaining yourself with a menial task. I can tell that you're bored. But don't worry, I shall help you by giving you a more…interesting task. And…before you ask, I locked Gilbert in a spare office to unlock the file I bought back. Say…are you still scared about my project?"

"If you ask, yes." Yuri replied.

"Good." Nicolai backed away from the screen, and sat down on a nice red chair, different from the purple chair that Gilbert often used. "Anyway, Gilbert did leave me some instructions on today…" Nicolai reached into his pocket and pulled out a yellow note. "…Ah. Show them today's story. All right." Nicolai grabbed a video tape from under the table. "Today's thing…is…'Legolas by Laura.' Apparently it's a Mary Sue story set in the Lord of the Rings universe. The author never finished it, but…according to the notes of Gilbert, that's a good thing."

"Ah, a Mary-Sue story!" Johnny said. "Haven't had one of those since the beginning."

"Well, Gilbert may be a loon, but he's a right loon. I would take his advice very seriously." Nicolai balled up the note and threw it over his shoulder. "So…enjoy."

_*WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP*_

"STORY SIGN!" Everyone shouted as they ran into the theater.

Nicolai blinked. "Why do they say that?"

* * *

**Legolas was riding along the woods and one day**

Yuri: He realized that he really hated pudding.

**he found a baby whaped in colth**

Alice: Elmer Fudd is giving English classes, I see.

**so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said**

Johnny (Legolas): Where the hell is my periods and commas?

**"who left you here little one"**

Shania: People.

Alice: Yep.

**and then the baby just cryed**

Yuri: Because he hates Legolas.

Johnny (Baby): Link is better! Link is better!

**and then Legolas pick her up**

Alice: And throws it!

**and hold her and then the baby stoped crying**

Johnny: And then, and then, and then, and then…

**and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"**

Shania: Isn't that Elvish for "Obvious love interest"?

**and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse**

Yuri: And then?

**and went back to the castle where he lived.**

Yuri: Shoot.

Alice: HEY! There's a period! Took you long enough!

Johnny: Looks like Legolas moved out of his cave!

**Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods**

Johnny (Legolas): I also lost my punctuations!

**and then Legolas mother got up and walked down**

Shania: To hell.

**and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".**

Yuri: When they're drunk, of course.

**Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"**

Alice: (Legolas' father): We could get a tax discount!

**and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.**

Johnny: Someriseing?

Alice: Sounds like an obscure, badly translated 80's Japanese RPG.

**10 Years Later**

Shania: Duke Nukem Forever is still two years away before release.

**Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said**

Yuri (Legolas): MARY SUE! DIE!

Alice (L): Hey! I thought I kicked you out.

Johnny (L): Pay me.

**"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".**

Alice: And a contest started to see how many 'good mornings' could be said!

**Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said**

Johnny (Laura): Why are there so many "and then"s?

Alice: It shows the passing of time in the most simplest of forms.

**"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"**

Shania (Legolas): But first, ride me!

Alice: SHANIA!

**and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".**

Yuri: 10 years of living in a castle, and she doesn't haven't any clothes?

Shania: She's a Mary Sue. She makes her clothes from her hair.

**Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived**

Alice (Strider): But first, off to White Castle.

**and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister" and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".**

Johnny: Gee, I wonder why no one knew?

**Mean While at Mondor**

Shania: The Entertainment District in Mordor!

Alice: Also where the vacationers stay.

**the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess**

Yuri: Bad guys aren't original any more.

Johnny: Meanwhile, Bowser was planning to kidnap Peach.

Shania: Let's watch that instead.

**but not Legolas.**

Alice: I'm sorry, I thought Legolas was the princess.

Yuri: You sure?

**Then the boss of the Orcs came and said**

Johnny (Boss Orc): I want to buy a condo.

**"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said**

Shania (D.L.): Also, do my grocery shopping.

**"yes you can".**

Yuri: Oh, the Dark Lord is Bob the Builder.

Johnny: Self-help books are his past-time.

**Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding**

Alice: Mary Sues are fast learners.

**and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"**

Johnny (Legolas): Oh? That's Cthulhu. Fun guy!

**and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"**

Shania: Gandalf and Strider. Gandalf and Strider. Gandalf and Strider.

Johnny: I'm sorry, who are they?

**and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen"**

Yuri: And now, the riveting dialogue of introductions.

**and then Strider said"hows you"and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said**

Alice (Leoglas): I'm bored. Can we kill something?

**"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".**

Johnny (Legolas): I can't get rid of her!

**Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"**

Shania (Legolas): Don't seduce them!

**and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".Legolas said"she is the princess"**

Yuri: Princess? Of what?

Johnny: Mary-Sues.

Alice: Or of Plot Convenience

**and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"**

Alice: OH HO! Now we know how Laura ended up in the forest!

Yuri: Legolas forgot thanks to the amount of booze he downed afterwards.

**and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"**

Johnny: Darn! How can I hurt her if Legolas gets in the way?

**and then Legolas looked up and said**

Shania (Legolas): Huh. Cats and dogs are coming down.

**"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".**

Yuri: Like a thousand voices?

Johnny: Crying out at once?

**Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"**

Alice & Shania (Gandalf & Strider): Can we have a discount?

Yuri (Legolas): NO!

**and then they had tea and went to bed.**

Johnny: And then they had sex!

Alice: I'll let it slide. It's going there.

**During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room.**

Shania: Her room is evil, man!

**Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura**

Yuri: And then tossed her? Please!

Johnny: And then and then and then…

**and then Laura woke up and screamed**

Alice (Laura): I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!

**and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".**

Johnny: When you hire 'gards', this stuff is bound to happen.

**Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor**

Shania: MON-DOR! Eh, not as epic.

**and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did**

Yuri: Hopefully, off a cliff. Like in the movies!

**and then the Dark lord came out of the fire**

Alice (D.L.): OH GOD, I'M ON FIRE!

**and said"welcome Laura"**

Johnny (D.L.): WELCOME…TO DIE!

Yuri: We gotta to stop using that.

**and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"**

Shania (Laura): It IS butter!

**and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.**

Yuri: Laura failed to realize that she can't walk through walls.

**Then the Dark lord said**

Alice (D.L.): You have to pay to use our casinos!

**"put her into the cell and bet her**

Johnny: I bet against her.

**and also do what ever you want with her**

Shania: KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!

**but do not kill her".**

Shania: Oh, you suck!

**Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell**

Yuri: They got a ship so they can get her into a cell?

**and then they shut the door.**

Alice: Get off the floor!

Yuri: Everyone run with the dinosaur!

**Laura go up and went to the window**

Alice (Laura): I can see my castle from here!

Johnny: Of course she can.

**and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.**

Johnny: But the wishing star didn't care.

**Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood**

Shania: Ah, such a funny name!

Johnny: I bet you they serve good booze.

**Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.**

Yuri: Like Homer's Iliad, only written by a rabid fangirl.

Shania: Don't provoke me - wretched headstrong girl! Or in my immortal rage I may just toss you over.

**Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened**

Alice: Everyone got the floor and walked the dinosaur!

Yuri: Are we going to do that every time?

Alice: Yes.

**and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains**

Johnny: And then the Orcs did something else!

Alice: Chains can't hold a Mary-Sue!

**and then one of the Orcs striped her**

Shania: Zebras are funny.

**and then he raped her**

Shania: BUT THAT'S NOT! AUGH!

Alice: Why are these stories sexually mad?

**and then Laura said"go away you bastard".**

Yuri: And now: SFU. Special Fantasy Unit.

**Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard**

Alice: Whip it good!

Johnny: When there is a whip, there's a way…

**and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death**

Johnny: Laura is a horrible gambler.

Yuri: If you have Orc debt collectors on your tail, then you have problems.

**and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.**

Shania: So…to recap, Laura was first raped, then tortured, and then poisoned.

Yuri: For a Mary Sue, she takes a lot of abuse.

Alice: But she's a Mary Sue. She'll live.

**Few hours later**

Yuri: We missed something epic, didn't we?

**Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.**

Alice (Legolas): Those condos are rip-offs!

**Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body**

Johnny: And saw nothing but perfection.

**there was blood and scars**

Shania: Oh! She's a cutter!

**she only could move her right arm but not her left.**

Yuri: She could move her left third toe, but not her right second toe!

**Then Laura said"I feel so cold"**

Alice: Oh, please, let there be wolves!

**and then she can't see very well.**

Johnny: Delayed-action syndrome much?

**At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others**

Shania: Were waiting for the pool to open.

**and then they said"let Laura go"**

Yuri: Red rover, red rover, let Laura come over!

**and then the Dark lord said"no"**

Alice: That was fast. The end!

Shania (D.L.): You have to pay to park!

**and then Legolas said"right lesson**

Johnny: No, I want a left lesson.

**I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura**

Shania (Legolas): And give her a right lesson.

**and you and the others will find another way in.**

Yuri (D.L.): Uhh…hey. I'm right here.

Johnny (Legolas): Ignore him.

**Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up.**

Alice: And the Dark Lord just stood there.

**Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor **

Johnny: And thus breaking the pool rules.

**and went into the castle.**

Shania: So the Dark Lord just allowed the army to enter his castle?

Johnny: That open door policy will never work.

**Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord**

Yuri (Gandalf): Oh crap! I left the One Ring at home!

**and you and the others go and help Legolas".Strdier said"becareful"**

Alice (Strider): May you die quickly and painless!

**and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".**

Johnny (Gandalf): Because I'm going to die!

**Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.**

Shania: I'm sorry, but your princess is in another….

Johnny: We're calling Laura a princess now?

**Legolas said"Laura are you in there"**

Yuri: Is Legolas blind?

**and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"**

Alice (Laura): After five weeks!

**and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"**

Johnny (Laura): I haven't been kissed in over a minute!

**and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"**

Shania: Well, I guess that's why he's a sniper.

Alice (Laura): How did you know?

Johnny (Legolas): I wore a orc suit.

**and then Laura said"how did you know that".Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".**

Yuri: OH, GEE. THAT'S NICE!

Johnny: Man rape? What's with our stories and their weird fetishes?

**Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"**

Alice (Legolas): I'm leaving this story!

**and then he ran back **

Johnny: Out the window!

**and ran towards the door and knock it down.**

Shania: Thus falling to his death.

**Laura said"wow"**

Yuri (Laura): And I thought I was dumb!

**and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars**

Alice: So…you saw the torture, but missed the obvious?

Yuri: Those scars are shy.

**also she was naked"**

Johnny: Of course he noticed that.

**and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"**

Shania: For obvious reasons.

**and then the Orcs came and said**

Yuri (Orc): We're going to sing a SssOooNnnGgg….

**"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".**

Alice: Oh, it looks like Laura needs to learn how to share.

**Then the fright began**

Johnny: The horror!

**Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.**

Shania: Hey! Aim behind you, behind you!

Yuri: But wait! 'Them' could be fangirls!

Shania: Then...aim in front of you, in front of you!

**Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"**

Yuri: Strider is back with a new ability!

Johnny: Shape-shifting!

**and then Strider said"yes it is"**

Alice (Strider): Can you help? I'm stuck in this form.

**and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.**

Johnny: Call Jackson, we have a idea for a action scene!

**Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.**

Shania: Sounds like fun! Let's distory Laura!

Alice: I'll get my eraser.

**Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"**

Yuri: I wish I was big!

Johnny (Gandalf): I also wish that I had ice cream and whipped cream and a wide-screen TV and...

**and then a sword came out of nowhere**

Alice: A shot rang out!

**and said"some wished us here"**

Johnny: Well, I didn't!

**and then Gandalf turned and said"**

Shania (Gandalf): I'm an old man.

Johnny (Gandalf): I like pudding.

**Frodo baggins why you doing here".**

Yuri: Hey! When can you teleport?

Shania: Imagine the length of the original story if they had that.

**Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"**

Alice: So much dumb in one sentence. Wow.

Shania: But how will they wed without a ring?

**and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"**

Johnny: So he's Mr. Bill too?

Alice: It's a part-time job.

**and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.**

Shania: The end?

**Mean while**

Shania: D'oh!

**Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down**

Yuri: She can't do everything, you know!

**and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.**

Alice: She burned the cape away though, as it wasn't her favorite color.

**FEW HOURS LATER**

Johnny: The cookies are ready!

**Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.**

Shania: Ah, do we have to watch the credits?

**Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".**

Yuri (Legolas): We really should make more hospitals, I'm getting tired of going there.

Johnny: It's a wise investment.

**Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"**

Alice: For the first time ever!

**and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.**

Johnny: Hopefully, Laura will die along the way.

Yuri: Or a bear will get her.

**Legolas looked down on Laura**

Shania: Like we all do.

**and put his hand onto Laura's head**

Yuri: And then removed it?

Shania: Fatality?

**and she was bruning up.**

Alice: Guess we can't call her a dumb blonde now.

**Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked**

Johnny: Far away.

Alice: So far away!

**and said"she is getting wose"**

Shania (Strider): I also lowse a tooth!

**and then Legolas said"I know".**

Yuri (Legolas): That's why I'm taking my time!

**FEW HOURS LATER**

Alice: Copy and pasted, for the third time!

**They were at Rivendell**

Johnny: Why, I didn't know that!

**and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up**

Shania: He just couldn't smother her.

**and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips**

Yuri: This can be considered statutory rape. No, it is.

**and then she moved her arms around Legolas**

Alice: And squeezed, and squeezed...

Johnny: Why'd it have to be snakes?

**and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said**

Johnny: If these two are going to sing, I'm leaving.

**"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"**

Shania: Gah! Legolas has turned into a stereotypical gay guy!

Alice (Legolas): Fabulous!

**and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"**

Yuri: Isn't Legolas a little too old to be a boyfriend?

Shania: A little is an understatement.

Alice (Legolas): Listen, I think it's creepy to date the person I consider to be my sister.

**and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"**

Alice (Legolas): But hey, I like creepy!

**and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.**

Johnny: It shall last hours and hours.

Shania: It shall also be beautiful.

Yuri: And fabulous…. Wait. Crap!

**Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then**

Shania: And then, the world exploded from the overload of 'and then'!

Alice: You can't hear it, but this kid's English teacher is rolling in her grave.

**Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"**

Yuri: Copy and paste. I won't be surprised if this story is someone else story, with Laura's edits.

**and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"**

Alice: Meme it! Meme it!

**and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".**

Johnny (Legolas): But not your right!

**Then the door opened and it was Strider**

Shania: Strider is both a sword and a door?

Johnny: More than meets the eye, indeed.

**and then Laura said"Hello Strider"**

Yuri: Are we going to do this again?

**and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura**

Alice: Wait. IT'S OVER?

Johnny: Yeah. The author never finished it. It just ends like that. Thank god.

Yuri: Ab-lib time!

Alice:…died!

Johnny:…turned into a Terminator!

Shania:….ruled the world!

Yuri:…was just left there, leaving the real cast to have more interesting adventures.

Johnny: Thank you, and good night!

* * *

*_BANG* *BANG* *BANG*_

"Woah! Yuri!" Johnny ran up and pulled back Yuri's head back, stopping him from hitting his head against the keyboard again. Yuri pushed Johnny back and shook his head. "Why did you stop me?"

"Yuri! That's brain damage you're doing to yourself! Stop!" Johnny pulled Yuri out of his chair and tried to restrain him. But this didn't last long, as Yuri was far bigger and stronger than the teen detective. Yuri threw Johnny off and sat back down. "Will you let me explain?" Said Yuri. Johnny nodded, silently agreeing.

"I'm writing a story on the line with today's. While racking my brain to get into the mindset of Laura, I figured, what the hell? Instead of thinking like Laura, just do what she did! Bang her head on the keyboard and then edit the typing to make a story!" Yuri turned the monitor so Johnny could see it. "Here, read this. I would like some opinions." Johnny groaned, and looked closely.

_Uuhygtyyuyt6,ffg,kfggferggfhgr\ghtrjggf_

_\h_

_Fjngfrthkgfifr[hbgn'kg_

_Kyhrjjy'jfbvc bflbhfd;g'fn frprj_

_Hyjhtrt;i7l 6y_

_Bfgmhtgf'ng/b m 'mjgblgfpofbg/gbfd/'sfvgbfd/dbfrdf;_  
_,lkcxidf,_  
_Gdlekiujkd,lfg;dpokswsafjhgbnejwkghe_

_]ahjjrewgh_

_Juj6f_

_Qhj/rjt_

_Erwqdb gfds rhjmgfdretyrtjkgfds qdfghjgfdsrethjhgfds fnmhjhgfds_

_Ewrtrkhgfjfdgl_

"Actually, that's better than Laura." Said Johnny. "It's a lot funnier."

"I agree." Yuri rubbed his chin. "Screw editing! I'm going to post this like how it is!"

"What're you going to call it?" Asked Johnny, as Yuri pulled up .

"Legolas by Laura: Part Two." Yuri logged in, and went to post it.

However, Yuri fell off his chair and hit a random wooden plank. (Random because of random) The plank fell down, and hit a shelf. The shelf tilted, and a red ball rolled off into a tin can, being suspended by a wire on a balance. The can dipped down, and with it, the balance. The balance sent a second can rolling down, and the can fell off, and hit a second balance sending a second ball flying into a slide.

"What…" Yuri said.

"Oh, I set up a Rube Goldberg machine to end the show." Johnny answered.

"Hey, I like that." Yuri replied. "Let's watch."

The ball hit a switch on a fan, turning it on. Of course, the plastic boat moved across the pool and the pool cue roped to it tapped over a domino, and the chain began. The dominos created a pattern of a flower, and one solo domino went flying into an old cuckoo-clock, hitting the hour hand to the top. The cuckoo, actually a third red ball (A entire closet of ted balls could be found in the men's room.) flew out. The ball went into a funnel and finally went to the last slide to the button.

"I mostly spent my time setting up the dominos." Johnny admitted.

"Good nig…." Yuri didn't have time to finish his sentence, as the ball hit the switch, ending the show.

* * *

_The opening and ending scenes are the hardest to write. Yeah, this is work is lazy; copy and paste the original story into Word, Bold it, and write the material. I do the jokes first, then the opening and ending last. Yeah, you don't care, do ya? Are you even reading this? Are you? Come on._

_Yeah, back to Presley next time. Review, if you like, and, if you have the time, read and review my other stories. I would like some criticism. _


	10. Link on Seinfeld

_In the not-too-distant past -_  
_Last Sunday A.D. -_  
_There was a guy named Yuri,_  
_Way too different from you or me._  
_He fought to save world many times,_  
_Alongside with his girlfriend Alice._  
_He did a good job fixing up the place,_  
_But his enemies didn't like him_  
_So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How can we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Hey everyone, and welcome to the Hunk of Junk." Yuri announced, wearing a tuxedo he got offscreen. "Today, we realized something. We have no rhythm, and therefore, have no romance in our lives." Johnny suddenly appeared, also wearing a tuxedo.

"Yep!" He said. "So, we convinced the ladies to dress up real nice, found some nice music…" Yuri put the needle on the record, and the soft music filled the air. "…a party buffet…" Johnny waved his hand, showing a table filled with food and punch. "…some décor…" Both guys pointed up, showing the colorful paper decorations. "…and the with the discoball…!" Johnny, wincing a little, placed the ball on the counter in front of them. "…we're going to celebrate our 10th day. So…Yuri?"

Yuri sighed. "I wish I could, but remember? No powers. I can't fly."

"Yeah, I know that." Johnny said. "I want you to climb the rickety ladder and attach this ball on that rusty hook." Johnny lifted the disco ball, and dropped it in Yuri's unwilling hands. Yuri, not the guy who was willing to do anything (Even for friends), so he carefully dropped it on the counter. "What's wrong?" Asked Johnny.

"No! I did all of this!" Yuri pointed to the objects mentioned in the second paragraph. "All you did was change into your suit!"

"Mind you, it was my idea in the first place, so that makes me the planner!" Johnny shot back.

"You sat around, drinking something! You shouldn't be drinking in the first place! The theme song says so!"

"Oh, you big baby! A grown man can't do one thing! Just to hang something off a hook! Come on!...and besides, if you're going to talk about the theme song being the only continuity in this thing, then why is there a table filled with food?"

"You're whining. Please be quiet."

"You wuss…oh, hey gals."

Both Alice and Shania had walked in, as Johnny just announced. Alice has chosen a sparkling red spaghetti dress (Which was longer than her regular clothes.), and Shania wore a strapless blue dress. (Which covered more skin her regular clothes.) Both were trying to figure out the situation.

"Uh…I hate to ask…" Asked Alice.

"Yuri agreed to hang the disco ball, but he's backing out!" Johnny got to talk first.

"But…!" Yuri didn't have to time to defend himself, as Shania, with little effort, put the disco ball into Yuri's hands, and Alice pushed the rickety ladder at Yuri. He sighed, and climbed up, grunting every step.

"Oh hey. Jeeves and Wooster are calling." Johnny said, as the screen descended.

"A party, eh?" Gilbert said. "I would like to come and crash, but the station just isn't for me." Nicolai flipped a page in his book.

"I wouldn't invite you even if you paid for the party." Johnny retorted.

"I'm not too sure where you got the food, the décor, the table, the clothes…speaking of which…" He smiled. Screams ensued. "Alice. Shania. You're looking lovely today. And wearing more clothes."

"Auhhh…" Alice groaned and fainted, falling into Shania's arms. Shania looked a little green.

"Gilbert!" Yuri dropped down from the ladder, landing on his feet. "Look what you did with my girlfriend!" And, in a lower tone of voice, "I got the disco ball up."

"I don't care, I'm evil, remember?" Gilbert sounded, and looked annoyed. "Look, Nicolai is finishing up whatever he has been doing, so…" Gilbert clapped his hands together. "…you're 10th story. A treat by Ron Presley, the author of Punisher in Hyrule. And believe me, this one is far worse."

"How? We went through Forest Passion and Legolas by Laura. How bad can this one be?" Yuri stupidly asked.

"…Seinfeld…" Gilbert smiled.

"AAAHHHH!" Everyone screamed very loud. You can hear it if you put your ear on the screen. No? Eh.

"Get into the theater!" Gilbert yelled. "It's 'Link on Seinfeld' time!"

Silence.

"Nicolai!" Yelled Gilbert. "Send…the…story!"

Nicolai looked up, and, for once, jumped. "Hey. I thought I locked you up!"

"I escaped. Now, send the story!" Gilbert pushed Nicolai up, and knocked him into the button.

_*WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP*_

"STORY SIGN!" Yelled our party-dressed heroes as they ran into the theater.

* * *

**Link on Seinfeld**

Yuri: Nothing to see here people, move along.

**by Jared Presley**

Alice: The forgotten Presley brother.

**Int./Seinfeld's apartment/day**

Johnny: The intelligence department needs to be sacked. I don't know where the enemy is!

**Jerry wakes up in bed!**

Shania: It's an action! It needs an exclamation point!

**He gets Coffee, and he looks at bed!**

Yuri: And realizes that he had been living a lie.

**Jerry: AHHHHHHH! Get out of my bed!**

Alice (Jerry): LEAVE SHEETS!

**Link: What? This isn't Apartment B-5?**

Johnny (Link): You aren't Dave then?

**Jerry No Michael Jackson!**

Shania: Hey, just like the humor of the actual show!

Alice: Actually, given the grammar, I think it's a advert.

Johnny: For what? A concert?

Alice: Jerry No Michael Jackson! Coming in October.

**That's next door, how long have you been here?  
**

Yuri (Link): Well, I didn't see you playing with your dolls.

**Link: Since Midnight.**

Alice (Link): Remember? Club Scum? The MC with the green hair, wore a janitor's suit?

**Jerry: Great! I've been sleeping with a man!**

Johnny: Uh-oh. It's turning into a slash fic. 

**Link: Could you get my clothes on the chair?**

Shania: Naked chairs are against the law now.

**Jerry: What? Hey, you're nude!**

Yuri: I guess blindness is a side effect of idiocy.

**Now I've slept with a nude man!**

Alice: This better not be a running gag.

**He looks down.**

Johnny (Jerry): Hey! A penny!

**Jerry: And you're not even Jewish!**

Shania: Oh! Boo!

Yuri: Bad joke! Bad joke!

Alice: Boo!

Johnny: I can hear the stock laughter booing from here.**  
**

**That's a double negative.**

Yuri: …No it isn't, you moronic caveman nitwit!

**Kramer walks in the apartment in a disco outfit, he sees them!**

Alice: Solid Snake! 20 years later.

**Kramer: I didn't see nothing if you didn't see nothing!**

Johnny: Now that's a double negative…I guess. 

**Int./post Office/day**

Shania: What hilarious hijinks will happen here?

**George is there trying to get a package!**

Shania: …I stand corrected, I apologize.

Johnny: I bet the package is a yellow hat.

**George: Hey, come on, I was supposed to get this when Nixon was still in office!**

Yuri: Ah, the tapes! Took long enough.

**I Bet its Newman's fault.**

Alice: Who is he?

Yuri: A Seinfeld character, honey. That's all you need to know.

**Postmaster: He's off today.**

Johnny: That lucky bastard!

**George: Impossible, if that were true then the package would have been here!**

Shania: You're annoying.

**Plus there Would have been no sun coming through.**

Yuri: …looks like some real bad crack is going around.

Shania: You're dumb. 

**Some of the post officers look at him.**

Alice: In the future, post office workers will be named post officers, and will be armed with AK-47s!

**George: You guys make more money than me for answering love**  
**emails! (Laughs)**

Johnny: He's the only one who is.

Shania: You're not funny.

**Too bad Newman couldn't be a pimp like me.**

Shania: Can we have some humor? Please?

**Postmaster: You actually hit on my sister once, and she turned you're a** down.**

Yuri: Burn…wha?

Johnny: Can someone please teach these poor people proper grammar?

Yuri: And some good insults.

**George: No, that must have been Newman.**

Alice: Aw. He has a crush on him.

**More people stair at him!**

Johnny: What, they climbed up him!

**George: You do a good impression of Mona Lisa! You haven't moved in the last**  
**hour!**

Shania: He's asleep, you moron!

**Postmaster: You do a good impression of Ben Stiller, humorless**.

Yuri: Well, in the Focker film series anyway.

Shania: They live in a world without humor!

**A policeman walks up!**

Alice: Yes! That needed a exclamation point!

Shania: Please, sir. Arrest this man for public disturbance!

**Policeman: I'm afraid you have to go now!**

Everyone: Please.

**George: Hey, get off of me! I already used the restroom.**

Johnny: HUMOR! DO…YOU…SPEAK…IT? GOD!

Shania: You're lame.

**BTW, that coat costs more than your life!  
**

Shania: As well as your life, George.

**Policeman: Then I guess my life's still more valuable as yours!**

Yuri: No! Don't! It's not worth it! Don't die with this idiot!

**Int./Jerry's Apartment/day**

Alice: Here's a good question. Which one of these scenes are the lesser of two evils?

Yuri: Damn!

**Elaine is there.  
**

Johnny: Oh goody! More people to hate!

**Elaine: How's your new neighbor?  
Jerry: He's psycho!**

Shania: Of course he is. Everyone is!

Yuri: I LIKE FRUIT.

Alice: PUPPPET SHOW GOES WWHHHEEEE!

Johnny: THE WINNER IS ME!

Shania: ALL THE BASE IS MINE, MINE, MINE!

**I hate him.**

Yuri: WE ALL DO.

**I want to beat his brains in with a teaspoon.**

Alice: Preferably one of gigantic proportions?

Johnny: And made out of titanium?

Alice: And also molten lava?

**The Idiot! He thinks he's some, "Hero of Time!"  
**

Johnny (Jerry): But he plays a mean ocarina! 

**They laugh!**

Shania: At the image of kittens drowning.

**Elaine: Anything else?**

Shania: And at the results of the O.J. trial.

**Jerry: He wears all Green! How gay is that?**

Yuri: I see Jerry still thinks that pink is manly.

**I mean, he has posters of Gandalf and Elton John all over his room.**

Alice: So he's a fan, so what? You're Seinfeld!

**The qu****.**

Johnny: The what now? It can't be queer, that's five letters!

Yuri: Quaker?

Alice: Quiver?

Johnny: Quiche?

Shania: Quartz?

**It's like he's the Riddler, but as ugly as the Penguin!**

Shania: What you're seeing is the cancelled pilot for a Batman comedy.

**They laugh!**

Yuri: They remember the time they made a joke, and people laughed.

**Elaine: Is that it?**

Alice (Jerry): That, and he isn't house-trained!

**Jerry: No, he says he fought this, "Ganon"dude!**

Johnny (Jerry): And something about using a fishing rod.

**Whoever that is, sounds like a type of detergent!**

Shania: So, he knows that Ganon is a person, but thinks it's a item?

Johnny: Honey, this is a Seinfeld fanfic.

Shania: Don't call me honey.

**He also had this Blue instrument? He plays the worst songs!**

Yuri (Jerry): His Scarecrow's Song is the same note, eight times!

**I mean, what kind of guy plays music from N Sync?**

Alice: Oh, I see. This is a bash fic!

Yuri: Yeah, I want to ash my brains out after hearing this!

**He should wear a rainbow tunic.**

Johnny: But he only likes green, red and blue! I guess we will have go with the tie-dye shirt.

**Also his horse, Epona, took a dump in my parking space! That was it  
with me!  
**

Shania: Why don't you and George just live in that dump?

**They laugh!**

Yuri: I wish I was easily amused.

**George walks in!**

Alice: Oh good, we needed more torment!

**George: Jerry! You wouldn't believe it!**

Johnny (George): I read Link On Seinfeld! It was horrible!

**Jerry: What? The gas prices gone down?**

Shania: WOAH! A GOOD JOKE? TAKE IT AWAY! TAKE IT AWAY!

**George: No, besides how I wonder why people think your funny,**

Yuri: What the hell? Did someone with talent started to write this?

Johnny: Hopefully killing the first writer?

**I learned they refused to give me a package!**

Alice: Sir, you have to PAYto get your package!

**Jerry: That's because you used UPS!**

Johnny: And…back to the dumb!

Yuri: It wasn't going to last long.

**George: Well, I need 2 people to get it in the night! To sneak in and get it!**

Shania (George): I just want to commit a felony, dammit! If you can't do that, here…have a gun!

**Jerry: Why 2 people?**

Yuri: To tango?

Shania: Nah, that's the highest he can count.

**George: In case 1 gets blown up!**

Alice: Yikes, the post office uses land mines!

Shania: Well, George is involved. That's the best excuse ever.

**Jerry: Oh, so ,who are you planning to get? Us?**

Johnny: Yes! Go and die! Explode in a thousand pieces!

**George: No! Someone useless, like 2 Dumb and Crazy people!**

Shania: You idiot! You just answered 'no', but you also answered 'yes'!

Alice: Why just two? All of you, go and die! 

**Kramer walks in.**

Alice: That includes him!

**They look at him.**

Yuri: You forgot down! They look down at him!

**Kramer: What? Did I cut the cheese?**

Alice: Great, the story is starting to smell!

**.**

Johnny: PERIOD!

**Jerry: I think that was Newman!**

Shania: Oh great! Now he's on that stupid wagon!

Johnny: It doesn't matter. All the characters are the same! They just have different names!

**Newman walks out of bathroom!**

Yuri: OH, WHAT THE HELL? How long was he there?

Shania: Long enough. 

**Jerry: Newman.**

Alice (Jerry): My love.

**Newman: Sorry, I haven't had a #2 in 3 days!**

Johnny: OH, GOD DAMMIT! IS THIS HELL?

Yuri: I'm going to go ahead and say…YES.

**Kramer holds his nose!**

Shania: So far, Kramer is the only guy with brains.

Johnny: Actually, that's his review of this story!

**Kramer: We can tell!**

Yuri: The story is getting stale!

**Newman: Thanks, my toilet got broken!**

Alice: Not even basic toilet humor can save this story.

**Elaine: How? Broken Pipe?**  
**Newman: No! Diarrhea!**

Johnny: …why, thank you. Thank you for physically and mentally hurting me. Can you die now?

Yuri: I can see why no one likes him.

**Jerry: The poop joke never dies.**

Shania: You're right! It's a zombie!

**Newman leaves!**

Yuri: YAY!

Alice: HURRAH!

Johnny: WOOT!

Shania: That sentence earned the exclamation point! WOO-HOO!

**Kramer: That is one dude with a digestive problem!**

Alice: To say the least!

**Jerry: Who else should we get?**

Johnny: What are you talking about? All of you go!

**George: Adam Sandler?**

Shania: …if it ends this…

**Jerry: No, someone more annoying.**

Yuri: Okay, back to you guys. Better draw straws.

**They look next door!**

Alice: And see a mirror. They all scream.

**Jerry: Link!**

Johnny (Jerry): Here, boy!

**Link comes in room.**

Shania: Eww!

Johnny: And that was unintentional!

**Kramer: Hey! Weren't you in bed with Jerry?**

Yuri: Oh good, we're going back to that.

Johnny: Wait, I thought you didn't see anything?

**They look at Jerry!**

Alice: The author keeps forgetting to add 'down'.

**Jerry: Ha! Since you told, now I'm telling everyone that you wear Disco clothes!**

Johnny: Big deal. Yuri has a doll of Alice under his pillow, and vice versa for Alice.

Alice: JOHNNY!

Yuri: So? I did a DNA test of the saliva found on the Shania poster? It's your spit!

Shania: JOHNNY!

**Kramer: That's how I always dress! I'm the hip master.**

Shania: It's the position in the Key Club that no one runs for, therefore, he wins.

**George: Kramer, never say that again or I'll beat the living sh** out of you.**

Yuri: Coming from you. A Level One Magikarp could take you with a flipper behind it's back!

**Link: What's the problem?**

Alice: Well, we're stuck in space, we read/watch horrible stories, the coffee machine is out…oh, we got a lot of problems.

**George: You and Kramer have to sneak in the post office to get my package back!**

Johnny (George): Are you bad enough dudes?

**Link: Sure, but I'm not cheap!**

Shania (Link): I'm a steal! See? I made a funny!

**George: I'm not paying you a dime, Jesse James! It's my secret package!**

Yuri: I bet its just string.

**At least I have a 'package'.**

Alice (George): It weighs three pounds.

**Link: How about I know what it is after were done?**  
**George: Sure, ok!**

Johnny: So he won't pay money to get his secret package, but will let people see the package.

Alice: In a world of idiots!

**Elaine: Jerry, Explain Link being in bed...**

Shania: No. Do not. Desist.

**Jerry: He snuck in! I don't know how!  
**

Yuri: Well, he is Link, the master of friendly breaking and entering.

**Link: I got the apartments mixed up!**

Alice (Link): Jerry switched the door numbers!

**Kramer(Thinking):**

Johnny: His head then exploded.

**Yep, he's a crack user! Damn!**

Shania (Kramer): I wish I had his crack!

**He's beginning to sound more like me.  
**

Yuri: Everyone is high.

**Int./Post Office/night**

Alice: The author couldn't afford the postage.

**Link is outside hiding, so is Kramer in a kokiri tunic!  
**

Johnny: Well…it's something you don't see everyday.

**Kramer: This reminds me of when I was in Nam!**

Shania: It reminds me of when I was born.

**Link: You were in the war?**

Yuri: For all of ten seconds.

**Link bursts out lighting!**

Alice: I wish I could laugh. All the humor in my life is gone.

**Kramer: I was lieutenant Kramer!**  
**Link bursts out laughing even more!**

Johnny: At least Link is enjoying this.

**Link: Maybe that's why you lost the war! (Laughs)**

Shania: What're you talking about? He made a good meat shield! We lost because the enemy started to ignore him.

**Kramer: The war ended? I thought they just stopped publicizing it!**

Yuri: Yikes! That gives a scary thought! Kramer has been killing Asian people, thinking that he was in a war!

Shania: That's a confession if I ever heard it. Book him, Johnny boy.

**They sneak in window and take the package!**

Alice: It sounded easy, but they went through several death-traps, swarms of postal officers, a Beholder, and crack a high-security safe under a minute.

Yuri: This happened off screen, fearing that the viewers would die from shock.

**Kramer: Ok, Ok let's go!**

Johnny: And…insert toilet humor gag here.

**They are about to leave but Kramer stops!**  
**Kramer: Excuse me, I need to use the restroom!**

Shania: Right on cue!

**An hour later, Kramer is still in there, he comes out with Newspaper!**

Yuri: Looks like Newman is spreading a disease.

Johnny: He is the disease.

**Kramer: Just looking at the sport highlights!**

Alice: Dallas Cowboys vs New York Yankees! A fight you all dreamed of.

**Link: C'mon!**

Johnny (Link): Mystery Science Theater is on!

**They go out, but Kramer accidentally breaks window!**

Shania: How did they get in the first place?

Johnny: Link.

**The Alarm goes off!  
**

Yuri: AHWOOGHA! AHWOOGHA!

**Link: Noooooo!**

Alice: Darth Link.

**Help.  
**

Johnny (Link): I'm weak.

**They run out of the area!**

Shania: Y-you know what? This scene could be better if we imagine it like the escape scene from the Death Star!

Johnny: Honey, honey. Calm down. We're near the end.

**Dogs chase them!**

Yuri: Because Jerry put dog treats in Link's pocket.

Johnny (Link): I knew rolling in steaks to hide my odor was a bad idea!

**Link: What are you doing? You can't outrun a dog!**  
**Kramer: Don't need to, just need to outrun you!**

Alice: The closest thing to logic in this.

**The dogs attack Link, Kramer escapes!**

Johnny: He had a escape rope handy.

**Link: Don't grab that, No!**

Shania: Argh! A ball joke!

**Int./Jerry's Apartment/morning**

Yuri: We're starting over…

**George: Do you have it? The package!**

Alice: Filled with hopes and dreams?

**Link: Yes!**  
**George: Whoa ,what happened to you? Looks like you got in a fight with a**  
**lawnmower and lost!**

Johnny: Then he would be dead. Good.

**Link: Nothing happened!**

Shania (Link): That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

**Except I lost my spleen and bladder.**

Yuri: But he still has one heart left!

**You owe me dip*****.**

Alice (Link): For payment, give me your spleen and bladder! Come on, take them out and hand them over.

**Jerry: So I guess everything's back to normal!**

Johnny: Save for the package, the guy in green, the police are after you for breaking and entering into the postal office to steal something, and you're all still idiots.

**Everyone looks around!**

Shania: And realize they ALL have been living a lie.

**Kramer: Was anything ever normal? Guess not!**

Yuri: No…normal is when I beat YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH A BASEBALL BAT…GOD!

**Link: Did everyone just ignore me?**

Alice: If only everyone else had a mute button.

**George: Well, it's time to go for me Jerry….**

Johnny: YAY!

Shania: GOOD RIDDANCE!

Yuri: ONE DOWN!

Alice: GO AND DIE!

**Link: Yes, but you promised a peek first!**

Shania: Link, there's a gay bar up the street…

Alice: SHANIA!

**George: Oh, ok! It's not your playgirls though!**

Yuri: So, the joke here is that Link is gay?

**Link peeks in, it blows up, and Link flies out of Window into the Garbage**  
**Truck!**

Alice: Why didn't the bomb take everyone else with him!

Yuri: I bet you there's a black tree trimmer who saw that and says, 'Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.'

**They all start laughing!**

Johnny (Jerry): We killed a man with a bomb! We're terrorists!

**George: Oh, that probably hurt him.**

Shania: Sarcasm. It doesn't work here.

**George gets grenade out, and throws it in the truck, it blows up.  
**

Yuri: No! Not the garbage truck! He was the only thing enjoyable in this!

**George: Newman, crunch the trash.**

Alice: Newman runs into Jerry's apartment, whips out a hammer, and later is given medal by the city.

**Newman is in truck.**

Johnny: The ghost truck, you mean.

Alice: Normally, this sentence would be stupid, but the audience watching this needs this kind of details. 

**Newman: Yes sir.**  
**He crunches the trash, and link up.**

Shania: They killed his lower-case brother!

Johnny: So Link died twice, and link once. Keep record folks.

**George: Nope, we won't have to worry about him coming around again.**

Yuri (George): Because we killed him, hurr hurr. 

**Jerry: That was a good plan George!**

Alice: …no. No it wasn't. Nightwalker as the Pope was a smarter plan than this!

**George: Yeah, getting the annoying person, Link, to get out of hear!**

Johnny: If you didn't want to hear him, then put some music on, you idiotic ass-wipes!

**The plan was Genius!**

Shania: I'm going to have to agree. It was asinine, it just had to work!

**Elaine: It was lucky you got the Post Office to make that fake argument with**  
**you incase Link looked at the camera files!**

Yuri: You know, this whole plan would had fallen apart if Link opened the package anywhere else…no, the plan would have worked better if Link opened the package anywhere else!

**They all are laughing but Kramer!**

Alice: For he realized that he was going to hell.

**Kramer: Why didn't you guys tell me this plan?**

Johnny: Because you would have blown it?

**George: Cause you would've blown it!**

Johnny: Called it.

Shania: Because it would have ended up like the Laugh Factory did?

**Kramer takes out Jerry's Camcorder!"**

Shania: He held it over his head in a over-dramatic fashion. 

**Kramer: I was taping the moment Link opening the package!**

Yuri: And that's he got.

**Jerry: The tape will last forever in memories!**

Alice: This story will forever in nightmares!

**They all are laughing!**

Johnny: That's the only thing they can do right!

**Kramer: Do you think I should put it on the net?**

Shania: It will only get 15 views before Youtube pulls it off.

**They all start laughing!**

Yuri: They haven't stopped!

**Kramer: I went in his room, there were 4 Cruise tickets for, "Link, Zelda, Malon, and Saria!"**

Alice: Summer break!

Yuri: We know that Link is a pimp already!

Johnny: He forgot Nabooru. And Ruto.

**Jerry: Great! There ours now! Where are they to?**  
**Kramer: These are good, Florida to Panama!**

Johnny: But seeing of course that they live in New York, the tickets are useless.

**George: Nice work Kramer, we all leave for the cruise in the morning!**

Shania: Forest of Passion, starring Jerry as Link, Elaine as Zelda, Kramer as Malon, and Newman as Saria.

Alice: But Zelda wasn't in that.

Shania: She will be in the Seinfeld edition.

**Elaine: Link's going to be mad! Oh wait, we took care of that white trash.**

Yuri: No, you didn't. You missed four!

**They all start laughing!**

Alice: And it lasted for years and years. And then…

Yuri: Stop!

**The End?**

Johnny: YES! IT'S OVER! THEY ALL WENT TO THE CRUISE AND DROWNED IN THE KIDDIE POOL!

Shania: That's was great! Now, if you excuse me, I need a lobotomy.

* * *

"So…?" Asked Nicolai.

"They're partying. Apparently, they gained what that the crew of the original had." Gilbert announced. "These notes I got from buying out Gizmonic hasn't been helping out a lot."

"They failed also." Nicolai pointed out.

"But I thought this would work!" Gilbert started to shout. "These stories come from the internet! The cesspool that connects the entire world! I showed seven stories. Two, A little problem and Legolas by Laura were Mary-Sue stories. Three, the Calvin & Hobbes story, the Punisher in Hyrule, and today were written by an insane person. Grand Papillion was boring, and Forest Passion broke them, all for one story!"

"And that's what I've been working on." Nicolai brought up a tape. "The Manos of the fanfiction. The worst story ever created. And…it's long as the original source material. The author actually managed to make fourty-four chapters of this." Gilbert finally realized what Nicolai was doing.

"Really?" He asked.

"Oh, yes. I give you something that no one can survive. We'll break them all right."

Gilbert laughed and turned to the screen. "Oh…experiments?"

The party was going full swing. Yuri and Alice were dancing all fancy like, Johnny and Shania were at the buffet (Not eating/drinking anything.), with Johnny trying to impress Shania.

"Experiments?"

Shania left Johnny at the buffet to take control of the microphone. She started to sing 'Fly Me To Moon.' Yuri and Alice danced even more.

"Hey!"

Nicolai moved him aside with a single push. He said, with no emotion, and using his regular in-door voice said,

"My Immortal."

The party stopped. The record even stopped.

"What?" Asked Yuri.

"You're next story…" Nicolai showed the tape. "…is My Immortal, by Tara Gillespie. It's the worst fanfic ever made. So…enjoy." Nicolai said, with his devil's smile.

* * *

_Yup. I'm going there. All 44 chapters._

_Next time._


	11. My Immortal 1

_In the not-too-distant past -_  
_Last Sunday A.D. -_  
_There was a guy named Yuri,_  
_Way too different from you or me._  
_He fought to save world many times,_  
_Alongside with his girlfriend Alice._  
_He did a good job fixing up the place,_  
_But his enemies didn't like him_  
_So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How can we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Welcome to the Hunk of Junk…" Yuri announced, monotone. "…where today's story is….well…"

"IS THE WORST THING THAT EVER EXISITED." Johnny finished up, his voice filled with both pain and shock. "THE WORST FANFICTION EVER. MY IMMORTAL BY TARA GILLESPIE. ARGH." Johnny walked away, holding his head in pain, as if saying those words was enough to hurt him physically. Yuri cleared his throat, and continued with the same draw.

"Yes, today is the today where we go up against My Immortal, the Harry Potter fanfic that launched a thousand sinking ships. It…" Yuri scratched his head, trying to get his thoughts together. "…and may or may not be a troll story. Honestly, no one can tell, as far as I know, this could be the early work of Stephaine Meyer, author of the Twilight Saga. And as about critized." Again, scratched his head to figure out what he was trying to say. But that got lost when Alice, wearing a white toga and carrying a picket sign, came out from another part of the ship. Yuri stared at her for a good single minute.

"Oh…hey…Yuri." She showed the sign. It read in big black letters, **'THE END IS NIGH**'. "I always thought that Forest Passion or a Presley story would finish us, but I think this is really the end. Our sanity wouldn't last." She spoke in a trembling, monotone voice. "Sure, it can be funny…b-b-ut…we have to read it all at once. Y-y-y-y-up…we're doomed." Yuri grabbed Alice by his shoulders and shook her hard.

"Woah, woah girl!" Yuri grabbed her and held her tight. "We went through worse! We fought flipping GOD together! We can handle one loony teenager's girl mad work!" Shania walked in, completely normal and composed. She sat down in a beanbag, and opened her book. "Well, aren't you cool?" Yuri asked.

"I…really don't care." Shania said in a voice that sounded like she found a scratch card that would award her a dollar. "Sure, the story it self will probably hurt me, but for now? I'm going to ignore it."

"Okay." Alice said, her voice returning to normal.

"Fine, then." Yuri then asked, "Could you at least help Johnny? I think he's destroying a bedroom." Shania groaned, threw her book somewhere else, and walked away to the sound of something beating against a wall.

"Oh, don't worry." Nicolai said, his monitor having silently lowered during the conservation. "No matter the preparation, no matter the mental block, no matter how you try, your sanity is finished." He laughed. "So, yes. My Immortal. By Tara Gillespie. The Manos of the Internet. Harry Potter and the Hobgoblins. Hogwarts Mutiny. And the most surprising, this thing continued for over forty chapters. "

"And each chapter goes downhill from there." Gilbert added, appearing in monitor. "Continuity from the Harry Potter books are null, as well as the story's own continuity. The characters from the book are given new names…oh, hell…it has nothing to do with the books, just borrows names and locations. So…" He turned to Nicolai. "Shall we?"

"For once, I agree with you." Nicolai pressed a red button.

Lights went crazy, haywire. Unlike the other signs, this one was out of control.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!" Yuri shouted, as everyone (Shania dragging a crying Johnny) ran into the theater…for My Immortal.

* * *

**AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)**

Yuri: Out of the gate, and I'm already scared.

Johnny: Keep it steady…

Yuri: Coming from you.

**2 my gf (ew not in that way)**

Alice: Don't deny it then!

**raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**

Johnny: She was laughing her ass off.

**U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2**

Shania: God! Not even a minute in, I already have a headache!

Johnny: Calm down…or we won't make it.

Shania: Coming from you.

**! MCR ROX!**

Yuri: Not any more!

**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**

Alice: Whatever. We're calling her Mud.

**and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**

Johnny: That was one hairy baby.

**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back**

Shania (Mud); On Tuesday, I color it rainbow.

**and icy blue eyes like limpid tears**

Yuri: So…white eyes. TEARS ARE COLORLESS.

**and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**

Alice: I don't care who she is, and I would like to leave.

Yuri: Even Amy Lee left.

**I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**

Johnny: She likes incest? Oh god!

Alice: You watch your language young lady!

**I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.**

Shania: Gah! A Cullen relative! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

**I have pale white skin.**

Yuri: Yay! She may die of vitamin D deficiency!

**I'm also a witch,**

Alice: Stop tempting us to burn you.

**and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **

Johnny: Yes, I knew that. I'm not an idiot.

Alice: In reality, she's thirty-three, and lives in a trailer with her druggie stepmom.

**I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)**

Shania: Every sentence so far confirms that.

**and I wear mostly black.**

Yuri (Mud): And I wear lots of yellow.

**I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.**

Alice: As well as your personality.

**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**

Johnny: Oh boy. I have a feeling this is going to be a recurring thing. The grammar and spelling work here!

**I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

Shania: Just in case you cared.

**I was walking outside Hogwarts.**

Yuri (Mud): People were throwing things at me.

**It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**

Alice (Mud): I wanted more vitamin D deficiency.

**A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**

Johnny: And the preps beat her up.

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…Draco Malfoy!**

Shania: Gee, that was…stupid!

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**

**"Nothing." he said shyly.**

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

Yuri: Thrilling, ain't it?

**AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**

Alice: All right. It wasn't!

**AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!**

Johnny: Is she trying to be gansta?

**BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

Shania: I can't help it if the story is flammable.

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**

Yuri: As opposed to the back alleyway.

**It was snowing and raining again.**

Alice: God was really sick.

**I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.**

Johnny: The bottle was marked, 'John F. Kennedy.'

**My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.**

Shania: Because the coffin is a character too.

**I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.**

Yuri: This would be fanservice, but she said 'of'.

**Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.**

Alice: Again, if you cared.

**I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

Johnny: Seems like every chapter is going to have this. This is going to take a long time.

**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**

Shania: Everyday, Raven cries, remembering this.

**woke up then and grinned at me.**

Yuri: And then frowned, disgusted at the outfit that Mud wore.

**She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.**

Alice: Dear god! She's doing it for every character!

Yuri: There's going to be a chapter solely describing what each character is wearing! Just wait for it!

**She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.**

Johnny: Folks, do your own jokes.

**We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

Shania: So, they're wearing double makeup? Because the story didn't tell us Mud ever removed her previous makeup.

**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

Yuri (Willow): You managed to say one word!

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

Alice: Well, she is a Mary Sue. So, yes.

**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

Everyone: LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied flirtily.**

Johnny (Mud): I don't like him, but I like to flirt with him!

**"Guess what." he said.**

**"What?" I asked.**

Shania (Draco): I'm pregnant!

Alice: SHANIA!

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

Yuri: A Muggle band is coming to Hogsmeade!

**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed.**

Alice: She's getting squishy…

Shania: She already was.

**I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

Johnny (Mud): That and GD, THT…

**"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

**I gasped. **

Shania: Will she go out with Draco tonight? Will Good Charlotte actually play? Tune in next time!

Alice: If only that lucky…

**AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!**

Yuri: I don't think anyone has the heart to tell her that the flamers are Goths.

**odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!**

Alice: All four of them.

**FANGS AGEN RAVEN!**

Johnny: She winces every time that someone thanks her.

**oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**

Shania: You can't even spell their name right. So much for being a fan!

**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.**

Yuri: Round Four, ladies and gentlemen.

**Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **

Alice: She thinks it's sexy. Ain't that cute?

**I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**

Johnny: Make up your own mind! Is it straight or spiky?

**I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.**

Shania: Hey! I don't want to ask anyone to commit suicide, but I think for once I'll make a exception.

**I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **

Yuri: So, she's dead right? Right?

**I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.**

Alice: So…she's still bleeding. And she's fine.

Shania: Damn. Oh right, she's a Mary Sue. Ten nukes on her head wouldn't kill her.

**Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.**

Johnny: But you put foundation on in the last few chapters! Geeze!

**I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

Shania: In a bottle marked 'Lincoln.'

**I went outside.**

Yuri (Mud): I walked into a door. And then I opened the door.

**Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too),**

Alice: Because the author decided it.

**baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**

Johnny: The outcast boys, anyway.

**"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**

Shania: She's gothic. Depression comes with the job.

**"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz**

Yuri: What's a Pureblood snot doing with a Muggle car?

**(the license plate said 666)**

Alice: Of course it did.

**and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.**

Johnny: Thus ruining the concert for them.

**We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**

Shania: And they crashed. That's reality, anyway.

**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.**

Yuri: Wait! You're still thirty feet in the air…ah!

**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

Alice: Being the only ones in the audience, they quickly embarrassed themselves.

**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood**

Johnny: You make a mess on the rug!

**They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord,**

Shania: Congratulations, your baby is born!

**hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).**

Yuri: Yes, you told us that.

Johnny: But the audience reading this wouldn't know that.

**"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, **

Alice: Draco then got jealous, and went on a killing spree.

**pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

Johnny: That's an opinion. An opinion, which we don't care for.

**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

Shania: He was compared to Joel Madden.

**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music.**

Yuri: MOSH! MOSH! MOSH!

**Then I caught on.**

Alice (Mud): I'm a idiot!

**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

Johnny: Then Joel went on a killing spree.

**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**

Shania: Ain't that pwecious?

**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff.**

Yuri: Ah. So she changed her name to Hilary F. Duff.

**I fucking hate that little bitch."**

Alice: Hey! My words to you exactly!

**I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

Johnny: But all she thought of was her face.

**The night went on really well, and I had a great time.**

Shania: Insert description here….

**So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.**

Yuri: They refused.

Johnny: Duh.

**We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz,**

Alice: Wounded from the war that took place between GC and Simple Plan, when the latter wasn't allowed to play.

**but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! **

Johnny: Yes, that three dots are…everywhere!

**AN: I sed stup flaming ok**

Shania: Learn to spell you moron!

**ebony's name is ENOBY**

Yuri: …THE FIRST SPELLING IS THE RIGHT ONE!

Johnny: Spelling check is her worst enemy!

**nut mary su OK!**

Alice (Tara): It's her middle name!

**DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her**

Johnny: Only in your sick little fangirl mind.

**dat he is acting defrent!**

Shania: That, and he's high!

**dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

Yuri: Say it _real_ _slow_ to even understand!

**"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**

Alice (Mud): I wanted vanilla, and you got me chocolate!

**Draco didn't answer**

Johnny: He tried to understand her. It didn't work.

**but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it.**

Shania: Thus falling to his death.

**I walked out of it too, curiously.**

Yuri: And she died too! Yay!

**"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**

**"Ebony?" he asked.**

**"What?" I snapped.**

Alice (Draco): I can see! I can see! OH GOD! A MONSTER!

Yuri: Oh look, she used the 'wrong' spelling of Ebony.

**Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**

Johnny: Since when does a school allow something like that?

Yuri: When Mud arrived.

**which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness**

Shania: His contacts started to hurt his eyes.

**and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

Yuri: She popped an aspirin. Twenty of them, to be safe.

**And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.**

Alice: What…learn some grammar fangirl!

**Draco climbed on top of me**

Johnny: This flattening her ten pound body.

**and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **

Shania: Please let it be the Whomping Willow. Please make emo pancakes!

**He took of my top and I took of his clothes.**

Yuri: OH NO! WE'RE GOING BACK TO FOREST PASSION!

Alice: I THOUGHT WE GOT PAST THAT! NNNOOOO!

Johnny: THIS IS A BUG HUNT, MAN! A BUG HUNT!

Shania: GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!

**I even took of my bra.**

Alice: Of course you did! This scene isn't horrendous enough!

**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what**

Johnny: She means sex.

**and we did it for the first time.**

Shania: And…! We reached the maximum level of horror!

**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed.**

Yuri (Mud): Stop stabbing me!

**I was beginning to get an orgasm.**

Alice: If you feel like throwing up, good. It means that you're human.

**We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.**

Johnny: So…sex cures vitamin D deficiency?

Alice: According to her.

**And then...**

Shania: A shot rang out!

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**

**It was...Dumbledore! **

Yuri: Oh…my…god. Can it be? A cool character?

Shania: In this? Please?

**AN: STOP flaming!**

Alice: …No!

**if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!**

Johnny: No, it makes you a person.

**Da only reson Dumbledeor swor**

Shania: Is no reason!

**is coz he had a hedache ok**

Yuri: …what.

Alice: He's a wizard. Headaches shouldn't give him bipolarity!

Shania: (Tara): Umm…yeah. Headache. That's what happened.

**an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!**

Alice: In his car, no less!

**PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**

Johnny: Here comes the trolls!

**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him.**

Shania: Raven, you need to learn grammar!

**He kept shouting at us angrily.**

Yuri: Good. Good. Keep it coming.

Johnny: Insult them some more.

**"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

Alice (Dumbledore): You wrote the worst story ever!

**I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.**

Johnny: Where's a Belmont when you need one?

Alice: Thanks! I got that song stuck in my head! Thank you! I mean it!

**Draco comforted me.**

**When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall **

Shania: Despite McGonagall having nothing to do with anyone here.

**who were both looking very angry.**

Yuri: For they were losing sleep over this. This.

**"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

Alice (Dumbledore): They were trying to recreate Forest Passion!

**"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**

Johnny: Oddly enough, that insult makes sense.

**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

Shania (Snape): Draco is mine!

Alice: …yeah…

**And then Draco shrieked. **

Yuri: Like a little girl.

**"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**

Alice (Draco): I do, I do, I do, I do!

**Everyone was quiet.**

Johnny: Stunned.

**Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad**

Shania: For they wanted a cookie.

**but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**

Yuri: For Snape had _plans_.

**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

Alice (McGonagall): Hey! You're going the wrong way! Your dorm is downstairs, you mediocre dunces!

**"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

Johnny: Don't bother. She's a Mary Sue, she'll be fine.

**"Yeah I guess." I lied.**

Shania: For she wasn't carrying Draco's baby.

Alice: SHANIA!

**I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair**

Yuri: Yes, yes, give us the details. We must know!

**and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **

Alice: Ah. Normal is back.

**When I came out...**

Johnny: …a shot rang out?

**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,**

Shania: PERV!

Alice: GET OUT OF THE GIRL'S DORM!

**and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte.**

Yuri: Badly. Very badly.

**I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.**

Alice: Kick him out! He's stalking you!

**We hugged and kissed.**

Johnny: What? No sex this time?

**After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **

Shania: For the other girls started to attack him.

**AN: shjt up prepz ok!**

Yuri: Make me!

**PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!**

Alice: I got one. 'Learn…to…spell noob.'

**The next day I woke up in my coffin.**

Johnny: Again, not in the drunkard's alley.

**I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black.**

Shania: But what would she wear tomorrow?

Johnny: So the uniform of Hogwarts is just forgotten.

**I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears.**

Yuri: Err…symbolism?

**I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

Alice: She used house-paint, thus turning her hair permanently purple.

Yuri: Thus, her new name is Purple.

**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal**

Johnny: BWAHAHA!

Shania: Really? Seriously?

Alice: Why, it's the official cereal of the Cullen family!

**with blood instead of milk,**

Shania: The blood came from a bottle of Archduke Ferdinand.

**and a glass of red blood. **

Yuri: Got Sophie?

**Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**

Alice: A feeding frenzy soon started.

Yuri: The sharks will come in five minutes.

**"Bastard!" I shouted angrily.**

Johnny (Purple): I went through a lot to get that!

**I regretted saying it when I looked up**

Shania: Oh boy. Here comes another train-wreck.

**cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy**

Yuri: Since when was gothic not pale white?

**with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.**

Alice: Oh, he's a punk clown!

**He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face**

Johnny: She holds the sledding record at Mt. Goth.

**and he was wearing black lipstick.**

Shania: Like Joel Madden.

**He didn't have glasses anymore**

Yuri: Oh no. Oh no.

Johnny: They got him.

**and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's**

Alice: So…every male character looks the same?

**and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**

Johnny: But the scar on his forehead was still there.

**He had a manly stubble on his chin. **

Shania: Since when was stubble not manly? I mean, besides here.

**He had a sexy English accent.**

Yuri: But of course. HE'S ENGLISH, YOU SQUISHY FANGIRL!

**He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **

Alice: On a bad hair day, after getting thrown out from his home into rain, beat up by a high school band…

**He was so sexy that my body went all hot**

Johnny: And she was set ablaze!

Yuri: So much for no more flames, eh?

**when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**

Shania: WHAT.

**"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

Yuri: He was scared of the girl in front of him.

**"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

Alice (Obviously Harry): Guybrush Threepwood.

**"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**

Johnny: Well, seeing of course that Mud is longer being used…

**"Why?" I exclaimed.**

**"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**

Shania (Mud): I can't stop biting my arm!

**"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**

**"Really?" he whimpered.**

Yuri: He has been exposed as a poser!

**"Yeah." I roared.**

Alice: Indoor voice! Indoor voice!

**We sat down to talk for a while. **

Johnny: Thankfully, skipping the dumb dialogue.

**Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me**

Shania: A guillotine.

**so I went away with him.**

Yuri: Leaving Mud to steal her food.

**AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.**

Alice: WHAT? God reviewed this story? Not once, but five times?

Yuri: Nah, just the god of bad fanfiction.

**n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!**

Johnny: Do I need a translator?

**STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!**

Shania: I can be charged for arson, but not for making sense!

**Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok **

Yuri: She's not even in this story! Ebony is!

**she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!**

Alice: Not perfect, besides romancing and sexing two main characters.

**n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**

Johnny: Well, Cloud had several good reasons to be depressed.

**Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.**

Shania: If it wasn't for the boobs, no one would tell them apart.

**I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **

Everyone: Yes.

**I waved to Vampire.**

Yuri: He teleported!

**Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **

Alice: For he realized what was going on.

**I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.**

Johnny: Mary-Sue thoughts.

**Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. **

Shania: To have a sex. Like a Mary Sue.

**We went into his room and locked the door. Then...**

Yuri: …I woke up. It was a dream.

Shania: Not that lucky.

**We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.**

Alice: Jazz music refused to play.

**He felt me up before I took of my top.**

Johnny (Draco): This is a bust. I'm gonna check for weapons….

**Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants.**

Shania: The missing scene from Legolas by Laura.

**We went on the bed and started making out naked**

Yuri: How are they naked? Her pants are still on, and he is still wearing his shirt!

**and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)**

Alice: Oh, gee, when you put it like that…

Everyone: YES!

**"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm**

Johnny: ARGH! No…need…for…that!

**when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm.**

Shania (Purple): Who's Astoria?

**It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... **

Yuri: Hello, sweetie!

**Vampire!**

**I was so angry.**

Alice: You just met the guy. And his new name is a just description, therefore it could be a generic tattoo. How can you be jealous?

**"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**

Johnny (Purple): How dare you get a temporary tattoo without my permission! The heart should have been red!

**"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded.**

Shania (Draco): It involves a chicken, a tractor, a pitchfork, a skyscraper, a UFO, three hundred dollars…

**But I knew too much.**

Yuri: But still nothing at all.

**"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**

Alice: Coming from a fangirl.

**I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out.**

Johnny: Going through the floor.

**Draco ran out even though he was naked.**

Shania: He thought it would be funny.

**He had a really big you-know-what**

Yuri: A mole the size of a water bottle.

**but I was too mad to care.**

Alice: It just wouldn't bounce the way it used to.

**I stomped out**

Johnny: Again, falling through the floor.

**and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom**

Shania: She followed the trail of urine.

**where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.**

Yuri: Characters I care more for.

**"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **

Alice: And…scene! Good!

Johnny: Clear the way!

Shania: Move!

* * *

_Part One End._


	12. My Immortal 2

_The best way to write this? Watch the original MST3K._

* * *

**AN: stop flassing ok!**

Yuri: Well, this is like a mad scientist's project.

Shania: Crap. We teleported back here.

**if u do den u r a prep!**

Alice: I hate reruns.

**Everyone in the class stared at me**

Johnny: Wondering, 'what the hell?'

**and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked**

Shania: He was expelled shortly afterwards.

**and started begging me to take him back.**

Yuri (Draco): Take me back!

Alice (Purple): No!

Johnny: Obvious drama line landing…

**"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**

Alice: The line has landed.

**My friend B'loody Mary Smith**

Johnny: Oh please be an original character.

**smiled at me understatedly. **

Shania: This happened to her every single day.

**She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood**

Yuri: Again, proving that every character looks the same.

**that she was wearing contact lenses on.**

Alice: She couldn't bring herself to stab herself in the eyes.

**She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.**

Johnny: A poser, then.

Alice: Or a ghost.

**Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.**

Shania: ARGH! WHY? WHO COULD EVEN COME UP WITH THIS?

Johnny: Calm down. We just started.

**Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch**

Yuri: Proof! Tara only saw the movie!

**but Voldemort killed her mother**

Alice: She dared called him bald!

**and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.**

Johnny: Isn't suicide a depressing thing to begin with?

Yuri: Well, according to this story, cutting your wrists is a hobby.

**She still has nightmares about it**

Shania: Despite not being present.

Yuri: Despite being too young to remember.

Alice: I guess Voldemort showed her a videotape.

**and she is very haunted and depressed.**

Yuri: She's emo! She needs to be depressed!

Shania: The ghost of the original character haunts her to this very day!

**It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.**

Alice: Makes sense. She's not original at all!

**(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )**

Johnny: The Sorting Hat was beaten by the veto.

**"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily**

Shania (Snape): You have three wishes! Hurry up, my carpet is being cleaned.

Yuri: Didn't the Irate Gamer make that joke?

Johnny: No, his rug was doubled-parked. We wouldn't make the same jokes he would.

**in his cold voice but I ignored him.**

Yuri: Snape stabbed her in the sides to get her attention.

**"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.**

Alice (Purple): How dare you…wait. By the words, she had a relationship with Vampire, who she talked with for a minute when they first met….god, I'm trying to find logic.

**Everyone gasped.**

Johnny: Look at the mole on Draco!

**I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **

Shania: Hey! You can't change POV like that so nilly willy!

Johnny: Now only if Rowling would take over this story.

**I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)**

Yuri: For the heterosexual male audience members, sorry, but there no lesbians in this story.

**for a while but then he broke my heart. **

Alice (Draco): That's why I kept my tattoo.

**He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.**

Johnny: Leave the off-screen character alone!

**We were just good friends now.**

Shania (Draco): VERY good friends!

**He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic.**

Yuri: Like everyone else!

**(Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**

Alice: Huh? Are we switching back? Or is this the author trying to sound cool?

Shania: Well, the grammar and spelling checks out. So…Draco's thoughts?

**"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.**

Johnny (Mud): We just share a bed!

**"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed.**

Shania: Nice to see the ever-serious Snape taking this in stride.

**I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest**

Yuri: And was never seen again! The end!

**where I had lost my virility to Draco**

Alice: I would heal you, but I think it's better with you at 1 HP.

**and then I started to bust into tears. **

Johnny: Which turned into rainbows, and then the rainbows made pizza trees grow, and then…you get the picture.

**AN: stop flaming ok!**

Everyone: NO!

**I dntn red all da boox!**

Shania: If you did, this would be fine….no, it wouldn't.

**dis is frum da movie ok**

Yuri: The abridged edition of the book.

**so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!**

Alice:…you wrote it! It is your fault!

**besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!**

Johnny: AND WE STILL DON'T CARE!

**and da reson snap dosent lik harry**

Shania: Harry's father annoyed Snape when they're kids?

**now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!**

Yuri: This story is like Hobgoblins. It hates everyone!

**MCR ROX!**

Alice: Well, if we threw rocks…

**I was so mad and sad.**

Johnny: Sounds like…

Yuri: DULL SURPRISE!

**I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. **

Shania (Purple): We had a one night stand, you bastard!

**I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.**

Yuri: Eww! It's still wet!

**Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes**

Alice: He stared at the sun for too long.

**and no nose**

Johnny: Insert smell pun here…

**and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!**

Shania: And I do mean everything!

Yuri: Newspapers, trash cans, trees…

Alice: The earth, Hogwarts, sand…

Johnny: Hogsmeade, stautes, keys…

Shania: Hot Topic hit her twice!

**He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)**

Yuri: But his new name is now Red Hell!

**and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic.**

Alice: Thank god! A normal person wearing black!

**It was... Voldemort!**

Johnny: Wha…hey, you gave that away!

**"No!" I shouted in a scared voice**

Shania: This story doesn't deserve the 'not butter' joke!

**but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.**

Yuri: Hey! That actually did what the curse does in the book!

Shania: Red Hell! Red Hell!

**"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.**

Alice: Eat pussy!

Shania: HEY!

Alice: It deserved it! I have no regrets!

**Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **

Johnny (Red Hell): I'm allergic to cats!

**I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.**

Shania: But Red Hell, being the main villain, got up and killed her!

Alice: That's what we want!

**"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"**

Yuri (Red Hell): To past me, thou must get a roll of sixteen!

**I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes**

Alice: But remembered that her boyfriend cheated with him, so she agreed.

**and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.**

Johnny: Of course he looks like Joel Madden. Why look anything like he did back in the books? Or, the movie!

**I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought,**

Shania: What a minute! She's _thinking?_

Alice: Dividing by zero is much safer!

**what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?**

Yuri: Oh good, she figured out something that we figured out at the very beginning!

**"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.**

Alice (Purple): I don't work for free!

**Voldemort gave me a gun.**

Johnny: Wow now!

Shania (Red Hell): Here. I got plenty more. It's like candy!

Johnny: I guess wands are so last century.

**"No! Please!" I begged.**

Shania (Purple): I want a Desert Eagle!

**"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"**

Yuri: Listen, Frog, if you want something done, do it yourself!

**"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.**

Alice (Red Hell): You just told me.

**Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.**

Johnny: Just like Purple.

Shania: Just like the author.

Yuri: DERP.

**"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.**

Shania (Red Hell): I can lift things. With my _mmiiinnnndddddd._

**"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. **

Yuri: Apparently Red Hell here is very lazy.

**Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.**

Alice (Red Hell): I'll get you next time, Purple, next time…

Yuri: Rrwwoorr…

**I was so scared and mad**

Johnny: DULL SURPRISE!

Yuri: Ha…

**I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.**

Shania: Still naked.

Alice: Considering the weather, he froze to death.

**"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"**

Yuri (Purple): I just met the devil, and I'm fine!

**"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad.**

Alice: Like a clown.

**He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)**

Johnny: …I guess.

Yuri: He does this to attract mates.

**between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.**

Shania: It's like this story is actually three different stories with parts cut and pasted randomly!

**"Are you okay?" I asked.**

**"No." he answered.**

Yuri (Draco): You yelled at me, wah…

**"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.**

Alice: Bull.

**"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **

Johnny: All depressed together. Aint' that special?

**AN: stup it u gay fags**

Shania: You can only be gay in fiction! And by gay, we mean gay men!

**if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!**

Yuri: But this is a train wreck.

**ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle**

Alice: I'm sorry, who is she?

**afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!**

Johnny: As if I care. Who would read this?

**I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.**

Shania (Purple): He started to live in my closet.

**I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.**

Yuri: Of course. The Mary Sue can't be complete without a band!

**I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.**

Alice: Like Joel Madden, I presume?

**People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.**

Johnny: But those people aren't real. What does that tell you?

**The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, **

Shania: Despite the two just meeting a few chapters ago.

**Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now.**

Yuri: Forget it. We're calling him Butterfly.

Alice: This is his only appearance.

Johnny: Oh.

**He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)**

Alice: EVERYONE IN THIS STORY HAS BLACK HAIR. NOTHING CHANGED.

**and Hargrid.**

Johnny: What's this? A character without a new name? A slight misspelling?

**Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead.**

Shania: But if everyone 'good' in this story is depressed, then why are any of you here?

**I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too**

Yuri: He was bitten by an off-screen vampire.

**and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)**

Alice: Ah. But you just did.

**or a steak) **

Johnny: So vampires are vegetarians?

Shania: The Cullen kind anyway.

Yuri: There is no way I'm wasting that much money to kill you.

**and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.**

Shania: Now, wouldn't that be much better than this?

**I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **

Yuri: Oh boo! Boo!

Johnny: That's where the band places their steel-toed boots!

**You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.**

Alice: NNNNNOOOOOO, RREEEAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYY?

**We were singing a cover of 'Helena'**

Johnny: Wow. Self-resistant there. She didn't make up her own song.

Yuri: Err…Simple Plan miniskirt, but she's playing MCR?

Johnny: That's Purple.

**and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.**

Shania: For she finally realized that she was doing. She was a horrible Mary Sue in a horrible story based off a wonderful series of books. Realizing the pain she caused…

Johnny: No. Redemption is too good for her.

**"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.**

Yuri: She wasn't concerned at all. Nope.

Johnny: She's the audience.

**"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily.**

Alice (Violet): Keep your stupid pity to yourself!

Shania: Actually, it said 'concerted'. Mary saw it coming.

**And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry!**

Johnny (Violet): But he gave me this cool gun! Here, let me show you…

Yuri: Yes…

**But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice,**

Shania (Violet): Then I remembered that he sleepy with my boyfriend. See? Gun!

**even if he did go out with Draco.**

Yuri: But he did. Now, show everyone your gun.

**But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.**

Alice: Voldemort just wants to avoid the murder charge on Harry. Draco he can afford.

Yuri: That makes no sense. His name changes every scene, that should be enough cover!

**Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.**

Johnny: Psycho theme! EHE EHE EHE EHE EHE…

**"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. **

Shania: She wanted it to be a surprise.

**"How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)**

Yuri: No. That's perfect. Keep doing that.

**I started to cry and cry.**

Alice: She tried to drown the whole world…

Yuri: But only drowned herself.

**Draco started to cry too all sensitive.**

Johnny: Violet kicked him in his privates.

Shania: While Mary cut onions in front of him.

Yuri: While Butterfly tickled his ears with a feather.

Alice: While Vampire came out of nowhere and started to dance.

**Then he ran out crying.**

Shania: For those four things were too much for him.

**We practiced for one more hour.**

Yuri: Completely forgetting what just happened.

Shania: Exactly.

**Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily!**

Alice (Dumbeldore): IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING! AND YOU SUCK!

**His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.**

Johnny: Your music gave him pink eye.

**"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **

Shania: Very true.

**(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)**

Yuri: Nah. You get a good review after that correct characterization.

**"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **

Alice: Wow. Hey! We wanted that to happen to Violet!

Yuri: Nah. Wait for it.

**AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz!**

Johnny: Ah. I had a feeling we would be seeing this again.

**c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111**

Shania: I'm going to go ahead and say…yes.

**it delz wit rly sris issus!**

Yuri: Like…care to explain? I must have missed that.

**sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid**

Alice: I can already tell.

**brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!**

Johnny: HATE HATE HATE THANKS.

**"NO!" I screamed.**

Shania (Violet): WHO I AM GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH?

**I was horrorfied!**

Yuri: At what this leads to.

**B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off**

Alice: LIKE A BOSS.

**and I ran to my room crying myself.**

Johnny: LIKE A BOSS

**Dumbledore chased after me shouting**

Shania (Dumbledore): You forgot your gun!

**but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.**

Yuri: He preferred a telescope.

**Anyway, I started crying tears of blood**

Alice: Again, reminding us that Castlevania is much better than this.

**and then I slit both of my wrists.**

Johnny: LIKE A BOSS…okay, done.

**They got all over my clothes so I took them off**

Shania: And placed in the hamper filled with other bloody clothes.

**and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.**

Yuri: WE GET IT. SHE'S DEPRESSED. WE DON'T CARE!

**I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.**

Alice (Violet): But then I got hungry…

**I was so fucking depressed!**

Johnny: All she needs is a box of chocolates. Preferably the ones that long exceeded the expiration date.

**I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly.**

Shania: She's made of sand?

**I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends **

Yuri: She's got a knife!

**and six pairs of skull earrings.**

Alice: She really wants to hammer in the point that she is gothic.

**I couldn't fucking believe it. **

Johnny: I can't either. She's still alive after cutting her wrists twice!

**Then I looked out the window and screamed... **

Shania (Purple): !

**Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!**

Yuri: He wants to submit this to, 'Wizards Gone Wild.'

**And Loopin was masticating to it! **

Alice: Not Lupin from the story. Loopin!

Yuri: Loopin the Pedophile.

Shania: She's 17…

**They were sitting on their broomsticks.**

Johnny (Snap): I'M ON A BROOMSTICK!

Shania (Loopin): I'M ON A BROOMSTICK!

Yuri: So? I got a boomstick!

**"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED!**

Shania (Purple): You have to pay $19.95 first!

**ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.**

Yuri: Upon seeing that, they left, screaming.

Shania: She's 17.

**Suddenly Vampire ran in.**

Alice: Wow! They're using the plot holes to get around.

**"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.**

Johnny: He's a seahorse now?

Alice: Don't bother. This has no effect on the story.

**I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times**

Shania: And missed every shot.

Alice: She's firing at different person! Where's Snap?

**and they both started screaming and the camera broke. **

Yuri: She maybe a Mary Sue, but does have a lousy aim.

Shania: The closest thing to having a human trait.

**Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "**

Alice: Plothole Express 9 ¾ runs 24/7 through 'My Immortal.'

**Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has – **

Johnny: Replaced the coffee with Folger's crystals.

Yuri: Written something worse than this?

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **

Shania: Now Darth Vader makes a sudden appearance?

**he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly...**

Yuri: Well, at this point, Tara just threw her arms up and said, "I just don't care."

**Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.**

Alice (Hargrid): We all need counseling.

**"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"**

Johnny: Hargrid. Little.

Alice: She watched the movies? Ha! Some crack dealer just told her what happened!

**"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT..." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"**

Shania (Hargrid): BUT ALSO…I AM A MAN!

**"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. **

Yuri: When did SNAP get hit by DUMBLYDORE?

Johnny (Snap): THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

**"There must be other factors."**

Alice: Everyone thinking of Spock face-palming?

Yuri: Yeah.

Johnny: Yeah.

Shania: Yeah.

**"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.**

Johnny: Any what? Did Raven remove parts to confuse people?

Yuri (Purple): FRUIT! YOU HAVE NO FRUIT TO DECLARE!

**Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"**

Shania: Hey. I like this chapter. Purple is losing! Ha!

**I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.**

Yuri: Quick! Get her some Robert F. Kennedy!

**"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.**

Alice: I'm glad she can't spell.

Yuri: I thank Raven. She removed several pages of this.

**And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him.**

Johnny: …could someone…

Yuri: NO.

**I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.**

Shania: Just kill them all.

**"BECAUSE...BECAUSE..." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly,**

Yuri (Hargid): I'M A GOOFY GOOBER!

**waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.**

Alice: 50 Cent was given a parade for shooting them.

**"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice**

Johnny: Mentally considering the other 'goffics' in the school.

**cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.**

Shania: Not really. Satan ignores them.

**"Because I LOVE HER!" **

Yuri: Mary-Sue Rule 1. Must have all males be attracted to her, regardless of established canon and personality.

**AN: stop f,aing ok**

Alice: How can I do that if I don't know what that is?

**hargrid is a pedo 2**

Johnny: So, the implication is that all adult males at Hogwarts are pedophiles?

**a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat**

Hardman5509: British, my ass! She's American!

Shania: Author…

Hardman5509: Yeah, yeah…I'm gone.

**I wunted 2 adres da ishu! **

Yuri: Issue? What issue? That all American school teachers are pedophiles?

Shania: Only in her world.

**how du u no snap iant kristian**

Alice: That was his name before the sex-change.

**plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!**

Johnny: She must have a big ass. She keeps pulling stuff out of it!

**I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. **

Shania: The villain from Rocky 4 gave her knife?

Johnny (Drago): If I Die, Break Yourself With This Silver Knife.

**He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy **

Yuri: Or against herself.

**but I knew that we must both go together.**

Alice: A little late for that. He died two chapters ago.

**"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire.**

Johnny: Gah! Space and time are falling apart! Reality is cracking!

**He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!"**

Shania: See? The scar on his forehead is still there!

**and then... his eyes rolled up! **

Yuri: PAZUZU!

**You could only see his red whites.**

Alice: Make…up…your…mind! GAH!

**I stopped. "How did u know?"**

Johnny (Purple): About the secret stash of bodies?

**"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"**

Shania: Now they can go back in time!

**"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.**

Yuri: Again, he lost the scar on his forhead. He still has the scar on his forehead!

**"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me **

Alice: Ah. Ron has learned how to make tattoos in his free time.

Yuri: But he charges a arm and a leg.

**and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. **

Johnny: Despite being pale already.

**"Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!**

Shania: Knowing this story, we cut to Purple dressing up to go on a date with Vampire.

**then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Volfemort has him bondage!"**

Yuri: HOLD IT! DRACO'S ALIVE?

Alice: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Johnny: THEY SPEND TWO CHAPTERS TALKING ABOUT HIS DEATH, AND NOW…

Shania: HE'S ALIVE! WHOOPIE-DOO!

**Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. **

Alice: So much for that! Screw this story! No. This isn't a story! IT'S A GARBAGE TRAIN WRECK!

Yuri: Alice. Do you need a hug?

Alice: …yes.

**Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. **

Johnny: HAHRID. I don't care who he is, but I want an entire novel about him. A movie. A videogame. A theme park.

**They were going to St. Mango's **

Shania: The wacky hospital in the Harry Potter universe.!

**after they recovered cause they were pedofiles **

Yuri: Ah. Pedophilia is a curable disease. If only the real world had it.

**and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.**

Alice: Coming from an ugly girl perv.

**Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera**

Johnny: EEEWWWW! He ate the camera and shat it out?

**they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.**

Shania: Hagrid then snapped the finger in half.

**Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.**

Yuri: Hey. Normal human interaction. Giving flowers to a sick person. That's sweet.

Johnny: Remember? He's a pedophile.

Shania: She's 17!

**"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.**

Alice (Hagrid): I loathe you.

**"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." **

Johnny (Purple): I hate you! I don't need your stinking sympathy!

**I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.**

Shania: People tend to be rude to you when you give them the middle finger.

**"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."**

Yuri: Are they bombs?

**"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?"**

Alice: Ha! You're not gothic! Gothic roses would be black! Fail!

**I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.**

Johnny: As previously stated before.

**"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. **

Shania: And you should feel bad about that.

**"No you didn't I replied." **

Yuri: Actually…SHE'S RIGHT.

**"You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." **

Alice: Meanwhile, in story 4…

**Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.**

Johnny: Well, spelling check says it's correct…but you failed. AGAIN.

**"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.**

Shania (Purple): I only want to talk to characters I want to have sex with.

**He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." **

Yuri (Hagrid): This is a bomb!

**He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye **

Alice: Hey! Hagrid works part time at the hospital as a magician!

Yuri (Hagrid): For my next trick, I'm going to make you disappear!

**and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .**

Johnny: I think we need a decoder ring to read this.

**"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.**

Shania: Wisely? That's word you're going use?

**"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." **

Yuri: Oh no, he's going to sing!

**Then he screamed. **

Alice: AAAAGGGGHHHH!

Yuri: Honey? Another hug?

Alice: …yes.

**"Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio**

Johnny: It's a message left by aliens long ago!

**(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! **

Shania: More like a insult.

**specially for raven I love you girl!)**

Yuri: I love her too…for making this as short as possible.

**imo noto okayo!"**

Alice: Mr. Roboto?

**And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. **

Johnny: Impressive. But she's still there.

**And it was black. **

Shania: The black was black.

**Now I knew he wasn't a prep.**

Yuri: So if I wear a pink vest with a single black button, she'll like me?

**"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"**

Alice: Yeah! Who is he?

**Hairgrid rolled his eyes. **

Johnny (Hagrid): Not this again…

**I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.**

Shania: For there was nothing to c.

**"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, **

Yuri: They're going l33t on us?

**watching the two of us watching the flame. **

Alice: You know, the flame is more enjoyable than this.

**"2 c wht iz n da flmes**

Johnny (Dumbledore): You must first woo it!

**(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) **

Shania: …was that a joke.

Johnny: …I think…yes.

Alice: …I really…REALLY…hate this.

**u mst find urslf 1st, k?"**

Yuri (Dumbledore): Jump into it. Go ahead.

**"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. **

Alice: I found myself. Crying. In an restroom.

**dUMBLydore lookd shockd. **

Johnny: WE DA SHOCK!

**I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.**

Shania: Or he didn't get what Hagrid said.

**Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"**

Yuri (Hagrid): Whatever, old man. I'm going back to my hospital bed.

**Anyway when I got better **

Alice: Good, we don't need any more hospital adventures.

**I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. **

Johnny: Whew! Another dressing scene! We're grounded now.

**There was some corset stuff on the front. **

Shania (Purple): And there was some stuff in my head, so I removed it.

**Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **

Yuri: Tacked on. Literally.

**I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring **

Alice: Isn't true that reading this thing all the way in one sitting will kill you in seven days?

Shania: …maybe.

**(if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!)**

Johnny: I know who she is…so yay! I'm a goth!

Alice: That's not a good thing.

**and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.**

Shania: Why does she dress up? Just dunk a can of black paint all over her!

**"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. **

Yuri: Spelled wrong, and got the meaning wrong.

Shania: She looks like a piano?

**"Fangs (geddit)**

Alice: UGH!

Shania: You already used that joke!

**you do too." I said sadly too,**

Johnny (Purple): For I was lying…

**but I was still upset. **

Shania (Purple): Over…something.

**I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed **

Yuri: My god! She does so often, the hospital named a ward after her!

**and I sucked all the blood. **

Alice: It's a cycle of blood transfusion.

**I cried again in my bathroom **

Johnny: Moaning Myrtle kicked her out.

**and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **

Shania: Ah. So she does learn.

**I went to some classes. **

Yuri: I surprised she went at all. Considering that she didn't attend class in any other chapters.

**Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **

Alice (Mud): Help me! I'm stuck in the hair of a magical magic creature!

Johnny: It's magically magical delicious!

Shania: It's magical magic, we don't have to explain anything!

**He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared**

Johnny: And came back to life.

**and he had used to be in love with Draco. **

Shania: Despite breaking up.

Johnny: Ah. But the tattoo is still there.

**He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.**

Yuri: Not a good idea. Hufflepuff's students are often halfway developed.

**"Hi." he said in a depressed way. **

Alice: Like always.

**"Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.**

Johnny: Gah! A alien word!

Yuri: What is the horrifying meaning behind….WQUALLY?

**We both looked at each other for some time. **

Shania: Acknowledging the awkward script.

**Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. **

Yuri: Oh boy. Here we go.

**Then... we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.**

Alice: Wow there! When did they became rabbits?

Johnny: Nah. They both have loose bolts, so they did each other a favor by fixing that problem.

Shania: Soon, all the class were screwing each other.

**"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.**

Johnny: McGooggle is so far the best character in all of this.

Yuri: Girls Gone Wild refused to post the video.

**"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. **

Shania (Purple): Damn you for being too sexy!

**"Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" **

Yuri (Purple): That's why I jumped on you, took your clothes off…

**I shouted and then I ran away angrily.**

Alice (McGoogle): Class isn't over yet, you horny nincompoop!

**Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **

Johnny: Who poured acid on Mud's face?

Alice: Dent!

**and then... his eyes rolled up! **

Shania: Nice trick. Now wiggle your years.

**You could only see his red whites.**

Yuri: Those won't make good eggs.

**"NO!" I ran up closer.**

Alice (Purple): No, guy-I-just-had-random-sex-with-and-hate-you-for!

**"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.**

Johnny: How many times do we have to tell you? His scar on the forhead is gone, the scar on his forehead is still there!

**"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me **

Shania: We knew that!

Johnny: Err…Shania? I don't think this is déjà vu….

**and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Volfemort has him bondage!"**

Yuri: Oh…dear…god…SHE COPIED AND PASTED IT!

Johnny: IS THIS GROUNDHOG'S DAY?

Shania: SHOULD WE CARE?

**SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111**

Alice: She thanks and insults her friend in the same sentence. Nice.

**HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I**

Johnny: Yes, just use your fanfiction like a fridge.

**AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!**

Shania: I…don't…even…what?

**Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. **

Yuri: Meanwhile, Dumbledore continued to run away from the two.

**We were so scared.**

Alice: That'll probably change soon.

**"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. **

Johnny: Let Dumbledore come over!

**Dumbledore came there.**

Shania: Annoyed.

**"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.**

Yuri: All the teachers in this story (Save for Snape and Lupin) are just so fun!

**"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.**

Alice: What, they both have a chipped tooth?

**He laughed in an evil voice.**

Johnny (Dumbledore): I really couldn't care less.

**"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.**

Shania: Do they?

Alice: Draco came back to life randomly. I think if they wait, he'll be fine.

**"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. **

Yuri: Like us.

**Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me.**

Alice: Hey-hey! Finally, a character that we can identify with!

**"Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **

Johnny: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero! Yay!

**Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. **

Shania: My Sharona!

**(AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)**

Yuri: In our experience?

Johnny: No…

**"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. **

Alice: Hey, Purple? You remember the gun, right?

**He started to cry tears of blood. **

Johnny: More Castlevania references.

Yuri: Just think of playing that.

**Then he had a brainstorm. **

Shania: And then his brain exploded.

**"I had an idea!" he exclaimed.**

Yuri (Mud): Let's get the Best Buy Geek Squad!

**"What?" I asked him.**

**"You'll see." he said. **

Alice: And he runs away, never to bother with this again.

**He took out his wand and did a spell. **

Johnny: Hocus-pocus!

**Then... suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!**

Shania: Yay! We're at the final boss!

**We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra"**

Yuri: …no. I refuse to make a joke about that. I'm beyond that.

**It was... Voldemort!**

Alice: NO! Voldemort is in Voldemort's lair! What-a-twist!

**AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! **

Johnny: But we're not Prepz! So we're staying!

Yuri: JOHNNY!

**Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **

Shania: Yes, Tara. Slitting your wrists will kill you.

**PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!**

Yuri: God doesn't answer to you!

**WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. **

Alice: How is that different from other chapters?

**VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.**

Johnny: Oh, trust me. Excretion indeed.

**We ran to where Volcemort was. **

Shania: And ran past him completely.

**It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **

Yuri: BUH…WHAT.

Alice: OH GEE, WAS VOLDEMORT THERE?

Johnny: I'm going to say…YES! THE LAST CHAPTER CONFIRMED THAT!

Shania: My god, does she think we're all idiots?

**Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **

Alice: Wormtail. For crying out loud, does Tara know anything about Harry Potter?...sorry, I answered my own question.

**Draco was there crying tears of blood. **

Johnny: Even more references to Castlevania.

**Snaketail was torturing him. **

Shania: Snaketail? Who's he?

Alice: The skinny guy next to the fat guy who killed Cedric.

**Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.**

Yuri: Who then stabbed them.

**"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun**

Alice: Three sentences in, and I already like him.

Johnny: Oh look. The gun is back. Convenient.

Shania: And…at this point…it goes downhill from here.

**he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **

Johnny: Ugh…this is turning into a romantic comedy.

Alice: A real bad one.

**"." he said. **

Shania: Ah. He's shy.

**(in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)**

Yuri: And you thought that Mud was the low point.

**"Huh?" I asked.**

Alice: 'My Immortal'. In 5 seconds.

**"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail.**

Johnny: It's a good question. She throws herself at anyone.

**I started laughing crudely. **

Shania: Are we sure we can call her a Mary-Sue? She fails at laughing!

**"What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? **

Yuri: Coming from the woman who had sex with her bf's ex-bf on a whim.

**God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. **

Alice: My exact words to the author.

**Then I stabbed him in the heart. **

Johnny: With what? Her gun? Her wand?

Yuri: The knife what Drago gave her, remember? See? The story makes sense.

**Blood pored out of it like a fountain.**

Shania: And the knife shot out, hitting Purple in the eye.

**"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. **

Yuri: Famous last words.

**He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. **

Alice: And now…a moment of silence for Snaketail.

Shania: Hey, where did the fat guy that killed Cedric go?

**I brust into tears sadly.**

Johnny: Over the enemy that tortured her bf, and wanted to sleep with her.

**"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **

Shania (Voldemort): You're not dead are you?

**Then... he started coming!**

Yuri: Ah. He was on break.

**We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **

Alice: High heels? Oh no, it's turning into The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation!

**So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **

Johnny: Voldemort shakes his fist in anger!

**We went to my room. **

Shania: The girls protested the men being there, but Purple killed them all.

**Vampire went away. **

Yuri: Bored.

**There I started crying.**

Alice: Were the tears bloody?

**"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. **

Johnny (Draco):I was killed, bought back to life, and tortured, but I want sex, dammit!

Yuri: We shall call him, Jesus!

**He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **

Shania: That would have been funny…BUT YOU EXPLAINED IT!

**and a really huge you-know-what and everything.**

Yuri: A tumor and everything.

**"Its so unfair!" I yielded. **

Alice: Oh god, she's going to rant!

**"Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."**

Johnny: Lady, in everyone's minds, you're ugly!

**"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.**

Shania: HA! Coming from you, you horny nitwits!

**"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! **

Yuri: Not Voldemort, not Dumbledore, not the females…just the characters with names, and at least under fifty years old.

**Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. **

Alice: But cured.

**Hargrid says he's in love with me. **

Johnny: But I think this is no longer important.

**Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **

Shania: But the last one is dead.

**I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily.**

Yuri: Well, Satan would make this.

**(an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) **

Alice: Just take the author's word for it!

**"Im good at too many things! **

Johnny: Care to explain what those things are?

**WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" **

Shania: ANNDDD…we have reached full circle. She achieved Black-Hole style Mary-Sue.

**I shouted and then I ran away.**

Yuri: Oh, will we have another naked running Draco scene?

**AN: stup flaming ok! **

Alice: She's…not going to get it, is she?

Yuri: Honey, this is chapter 15.

**btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **

Johnny: Oh god! She's blackmailing us!

Yuri: Again, only chapter 15 out of 44.

**fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!**

Shania: This Raven person…is she a troll?

**"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"**

Yuri: Cue the violin! Let's just continue with the romantic drama!

**But I was too mad.**

Alice: Wow. Too mad for sex. Self-resistant there.

**"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. **

Johnny (Jesus): Thank you! Woo-hoo!

**I stormed into my room **

Shania: Hold it! She went back to her room! I guess she wants sex after all!

**and closed my black door with my blood-red key.**

Yuri: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it would be black!

**It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. **

Alice: Because it's important to have that on your room key. It makes it easy to identify. And be stolen.

**He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. **

Johnny: She's falling in love with a picture! Of course!

**I started to cry and weep. **

Shania: And bawl and blubber and groan and howl and whine…

**I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. **

Yuri: I got it now. She likes to dress up, have sex with sexy men, drink blood, listen to music, and slit her wrists.

**I drank the blood all depressed. **

Alice: She needs a transfusion of funny blood.

**Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.**

Johnny: So I guess extreme blood loss helps her to relieve stress.

Alice: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

**I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. **

Shania: ANARCHY RULES! Woo! Hey, I feel better!

**Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. **

Yuri: Mr. Robinson is not pleased.

Shania: She means Madden.

Yuri: Fine. Mr. Madden is not pleased.

**I put my ebony black hair out. **

Alice: Ah. But we're still calling her Purple.

**Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. **

Johnny: Again, Slytherin is in the basement. Where can she go?

Alice: To hell, of course.

**I did sum advanced Biology work. **

Shania: Failing.

**I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **

Yuri: McGongal continued to insult her.

**Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!**

Alice: THE HELL?

Yuri: Actually, this is more appropriate. 'The guitar was….Draco!'

**"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. **

Johnny: He's going to sing, ain't he?

**"I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. **

Shania (Jesus): I fink that we could work like peanut butter and cough syrup.

**Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **

Yuri: Somewhere between Rank 7, 000, 000, 000 and Rank 6, 900, 900, 900.

**Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. **

Alice: All it took for him to stay alive was one random person to walk up and say one thing.

**Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." **

Johnny: Should we continue to call him Jesus?

Yuri: Might as well. Calling him that is more funnier than the jokes in this.

**Then... he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" **

Shania: Is this going to be a pattern? Misadventure, contrived break-up, Draco sings?

**(we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) **

Yuri: Ah, it ties back to the concert. So there is some continuity.

**right in front of the entire class! **

Alice: I would say they booed him…but they just ignored him.

**His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson **

Johnny: So he sucked.

**(AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .**

Shania: I wish we could leave.

**"OMFG." I said after he was finished. **

Yuri (Purple): That was really, really bad!

**Some fucking preps stared at us**

Alice: The right response.

**but I just stuck up my middle fingers **

Johnny: Another right response to the song.

**(that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them.**

Shania: Details! We need details! What color are her toenails?

**"I love you!" **

Yuri: Cut! Did you read the script?

**I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch)**

Alice (Purple): But, she's a fine kisser!

**and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **

Johnny: Man, this thing has aged.

**Then we went away holding hands. **

Shania: Well, Jesus' hands around Purple's neck.

**Loopin shouted at us **

Yuri (Loopin): Stop walking in my flowerbed!

**but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether.**

Alice: Wait, wait. Sorry, they're clapping at how sexy Harry and Ginny are.

**Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. **

Johnny: Ah! The plot points are shooting at us!

Yuri: Take cover!

**We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.**

Shania: Great. So the whole thing is a repeat of itself!

Alice: And after the concert, more sex!

**AN: u no wut! **

Yuri (Tara): I think wrestling is faked!

**sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! **

Alice: Okay! This story is written by a fangirl!

**raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! **

Johnny: Here it comes, folks. The part where Tara writes this.

**Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! **

Shania: In short, she ran away.

**BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!**

Yuri: WEEABOO ALERT.

Johnny: Ah. We meet again, Britney.

**We ran happily to Hogsmede. **

Alice: Knocking over several display stands, and getting sued.

**There we saw the stage where GC had played. **

Johnny: It was still wet!

Alice: JOHNNY!

**We ran in happly. **

Shania: Yay.

**MCR were there playing 'Helena'. **

Yuri: MUCH better than Purple's playing.

**I was so fucking happy! **

Alice: She's the only one.

**Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. **

Johnny: A rare occurrence.

**Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection **

Shania: Crotch cam.

**but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. **

Yuri: Well, she's at least loyal.

Johnny: For how long?

**I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. **

Alice: Hey! No changing in the middle of the concert!

**Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. **

Johnny: But no underwear, for some reason.

**Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. **

Shania: Then Helena stopped playing.

**We frenched. **

Yuri: Mon dieu!

**We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. **

Alice: But no one wanted to touch them.

**Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. **

Johnny: Well, like the real Gerard would play here.

**So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,... Volsemort and da Death Dealers!**

Shania: Don't you just hate when the bands just switch in the middle of a concert?

**"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. **

Yuri: Wha…BUT YOU JUST WENT WITH HIM!

Johnny: (Volsemort): Hey! Don't ignore me!

**"Not after what happened to me last time? **

Alice: You had sex with him, enjoyed it, and got away with it?

**Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"**

Johnny: Man, you could give her MCR, and she would still insult you.

**"What cause we...you know..." he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what.**

Shania: Did we switch stories?

Johnny: The evidence compels me to say yes.

**"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.**

Yuri: I guess this would confuse a cat.

**"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."**

Alice: Yes, a ESCORT.

Yuri: It's another word for 'cock-block.'

**"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. **

Johnny: I think this is a author's note.

**"So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?"**

Shania: Well, he is seeing a Christina…

**"NO." he muttered loudly.**

Yuri (Jesus): I want to keep my main character status!

**"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.**

Alice: She's got a gun!

**"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" **

Johnny (Jesus): If you want to live.

**He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me.**

Shania: Hogwarts The Musical.

Johnny: Like Sunday School The Musical, only insane.

**I was flattened cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!**

Yuri: The easiest way to win her heart? Sing a song!

**"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.**

Alice: So Voldemort appearing at Hogsmeade doesn't create any attention at all?

**B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily **

Johnny (Mary): Have we meet before?

**(she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). **

Shania: How do u do, stranger.

**"BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." **

Yuri: Kinda like Purple. Double standards!

Shania: Wait, who's Willow?

**(an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)**

Alice: Raven, Shania.

Shania: Farewell. You made the story some-what readable.

**"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.**

Johnny (Purple): For leaving me after I insulted her.

**Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. **

Shania: 'Cause they're gothic.

**We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **

Yuri: And then they watched a horror movie. "Attack of the Spelling Check!"

**"Maybe Willow will die too." I said.**

Alice: Maybe all of you can die!

**"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **

Johnny: So…someone dying is what we could define as cute?

**"Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."**

Shania: Likeable characters. You don't need them!

**"Kawai." I commnted happily . **

Yuri: Again, something that defines cute.

**We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.**

Alice: Talked to each other in silence?

Shania: They mouthed it.

**"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. **

Johnny: Wait. Did…the story go back in time?

Alice: Did Tara misuse Cut and Paste?

Yuri: Questions that shall never be answered.

**" I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."**

Shania: She wants to fight Angels?

**B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."**

Yuri: GAH! It turned into a Barbie story!

**"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.**

Alice: You know, this whole story could be a giant advert for Hot Topic.

**"No." My head snaped up.**

Johnny: B'loody Mary is now a likeable character!

**"WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"**

Shania: No, just a likeable character.

**"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."**

Yuri: Still a likeable character.

**"Hu told u abut them" **

Alice: Hu is he?

Yuri: Alice! Boo!

**I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). **

Johnny: Ah. But you just did.

**Or me.**

Shania: OR MEEEEE…

**"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."**

Yuri: Welcome to The 'What-Ever-The-Hell-First-Springs-To-The-Author's-Mind Hour!

**"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.**

Alice: We need more Dumblydore!

**"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. **

Johnny: She wanted to save a Sickle, so she stole the Headmaster's map.

**"Come on let's go."**

Shania: Yes!

Johnny: Not yet.

**We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. **

Yuri: In case you forgot the plot so far.

**The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. **

Alice: The hell? Is she talking about her last shopping trip?

**"We only have these for da real goffs."**

Johnny: Yes. They're real goffs. They didn't go to Hot Topic.

**"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.**

Shania: But wait! They're fictional!

Johnny (Salesperson): Oh sorry. Got to take this back.

**"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! **

Yuri: And there's two right in front of him.

**Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." **

Alice: To hide their preppy camera. You know that's coming up.

**He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."**

Johnny: Where were you then?

**"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" **

Shania: No, they're going to spy on someone else!

**I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.**

Yuri: Purple was then caught shoplifting. And now, the results of that trial.

**"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.**

Alice: Even Mary-Sues have to pay for their clothes. Good.

**"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.**

Johnny (Mary): So steal it! Go!

**"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.**

Shania: Mary-Sues can change minds with their beauty.

**"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?"**

Yuri: Purple for short.

**"Tom Rid." **

Alice: Boo! Boo! Boo!

**He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. **

Johnny: Removing his hair.

**"maybe I'll see you there tonight."**

Shania: Oh, you will. We time traveled back.

**"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, **

Yuri: Mood swings? More like Mood extreme turbulence!

**but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"**

Alice: We need to get back to the Junk!

* * *

"All right, guys…" Yuri said. "Let us see your Mary-Sue selves."

"I'm Alice Goddess Holy Elliot." Alice wore a white nun's outfit, with slits at the arms and legs, a golden cross, and white sandals. "I obey the lord 100%. I kill all the heathens that don't obey the Bible."

"Well, it sounds like Christian propaganda. But your outfit says otherwise." Said Yuri, pointing to Alice's exposed calves.

"Oh. I have sex all the time." Said Alice in a normal voice. "As a 100% loyal servant of the lord, I can very easily get away with some sins every now and then as I long as I repent and pray to the lord. But you should know that."

"Okay." Yuri wrote something down on a notepad. "Johnny?"

"I'm Johnny Ryder Rowsdower Garland." Johnny wore a black bomber's jacket, with the white fur. Goggles laid on top of his head, but kept his cowlick up. His also wore black fingerless gloves, a green and yellow tie-die shirt, ripped ankle blue jeans, and black combat boots. "I fly all things that can fly. I can shoot anything that can shoot. I can KILL anything that can or can't be KILLED."

"That's good, that's good. But I don't see the Mary-Sue in you." Again said Yuri.

"I can't die." Simply replied Johnny.

"How?" Asked Yuri.

"My clothes are bullet-proof, and my goggles…" He said while tapping said goggles. "…create a shield that protects me from most form of damage, and heals me when I do…DO take some damage."

"Ah…ha…" Yuri said, again writing something down. "All right, Shania…"

"I'm Shania Garvoy." She said, wearing her regular clothes. "I'm a Princess, I'm able to transform into famous deities, and I kick major ass with twin tomahawks. "

"Come on, Shania." Yuri asked. "We agreed to this. We all got to do this."

"Nah." Shania left, leaving Yuri to groan.

"There's nothing I can do, really." He said. "But, hey, next time we'll get her."

"Well, that makes you next and last, Yuri." Alice said, trying to keep her outfit from slipping off.

"I'm…"

_KKRRSSTT_

"Hey!" Gilbert smacked the monitor, as static filled it.

"What's wrong?" Asked Nicolai, not very interested.

"I lost the reception! We can't see, we can't hear anything!" Gilbert continued to hit his computer, causing some steam to billow out of a crack. With a grunt, he grabbed his toolbox and went under, hoping to fix the problem. Nicolai, never caring, returned to his book.

_HHHEEEELLLLOOOO_

Both Nicolai and Gilbert shot up, with Gilbert banging his head against his computer. After rubbing his head, he got and followed Nicolai, looking for the noise.

"Any clue?" Asked Gilbert.

"No." Replied Nicolai in a rare, worried voice.

_IIIMMMBBBACCCKKKK_

"Is it safe to say I'm scared?"

"Go ahead."

_HAHAHAHAHA_

The voice vanished. The computer worked again. Yuri laid on the floor, with the other three holding him down. The three sounded very angry. Gilbert ran over to his computer and checked everything. It seemed like nothing happened.

"Well…I'm freaked." Said Nicolai.

"I agree." Replied Gilbert, shutting down his computer.

And some how, the lights.

_HAHAHAHHOHOHOHHEHEHEHE..._

Then silence.


	13. Interlude: A Haunting Past

_In the not-too-distant past -_  
_Last Sunday A.D. -_  
_There was a guy named Yuri,_  
_Way too different from you or me._  
_He fought to save world many times,_  
_Alongside with his girlfriend Alice._  
_He did a good job fixing up the place,_  
_But his enemies didn't like him_  
_So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How can we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Woo-hoo!" Johnny yelled, setting up the palm tree. "VACATION TIME!"

"Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Hunk of Junk, and we have a vacation! Woot!" Yuri shouted, releasing every color of the rainbow balloons into the air. "Nicolai and Gilbert haven't contacted us in some time, and their isn't anything in the theater!"

"I don't care if the theme is Hawaii, I'm not wearing coconuts!" Shania said, in a non party-like mood. "I don't know how you got ALICE to wear that…" She waved behind her, as Alice danced in a traditional hula outfit, without a care in the world. "…but I have dignity! And, Johnny, you know I hate coconuts! With a fiery passion!"

Johnny crossed his arms. "Hey…Shania…you know what I kept on the way here?"

Shania didn't spend a single second thinking. She grabbed the outfit and walked to her room, slamming the door.

"Oh, Johnny." Yuri shook his head. "You have blackmail?"

"…what blackmail?" Johnny replied, with a smile that could uneasy the devil.

_WHEEP WHEEP WHEEP_

"What did you idiots destroy this time?" Shania poked her head out.

"Nothing!" Alice said, running into the room that she and Shania shared. "All that happened when you entered the room was that Yuri asked Johnny about the blackmail, and Johnny replied that he had no blackmail."

Shania threw the coconuts and grass skirt at Johnny, knocking him down.

"Hey! The monitor!" Yuri pointed to the descending screen, like usual. "Oh, come on!"

"_Oh, hello, fools."_ But no image could be seen. Just the chilling voice of Nicolai. "_If you're hearing this, a unknown force has either a). killed us b). taken us or c). enlisted us to help fight a war. But we just can't leave you alone in that station without a story to suffer through. As much as I think this is stupid, I rather send you a story than let you have a Hawaii-theme party with the girls dressed in coconuts."_

"Thank you." Shania said, quite pleased.

"_I'm recording this while Gilbert is fixing up 'My Immortal.' For a master evil scientist, he doesn't send the worst ones, just the dumb ones. He plays softballs. I play spitball. So enjoy 'A Haunting Past.' A description? Hehehe…I wouldn't want to ruin it! Now, into the theater, fools!"_

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!" Yuri shouted, running into the theater.

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Everyone else said, following him.

* * *

**One day Lemmy burst his ball and he needed money to buy a new one. **

Yuri: Insert your own sexual innuendo here!

**His first attempt for money was to sell stuff. **

Alice: But his bargaining skill was low.

**He sold lots of stuff, like ****Ludwig****'s candy, **

Johnny: Which had no retail value.

**Wendy****'s shells, **

Shania: Fake.

**Roy****'s room, **

Yuri: He should have tried to sell his garage!

Johnny: Boo!

**the dogs, the cats, the Holy Grail, **

Alice: Which is made out of wood.

**Iggy****'s giant Goombas, **

Johnny: How about something with value?

**and all of ****Larry****'s plants. **

Shania: He considered selling the golden statue, but thought it was worthless.

**He tried to sell ****Morton****, but ended up giving him to Good Will. **

Yuri: Good Will is secretly a slave operation?

Shania: I knew it!

**He also sold all the underlings, ****Bowser****'s spikes, ****Clawdia****'s broom and mop, and last he sold TMS to Sandslash to be a slave. **

Alice: Dear god…if you're going to go that far, then just sell the castle!

**He made two bucks, still not enough to buy a new ball. **

Johnny: Then again, he bought a hundred pounds of candy.

**Lemmy built an amusement park**

Shania: Hey! He can't afford a ball, but a amusement park? You could buy a million balls!

Alice: Don't trip over the plot holes, Shania.

**and Sandslash was the ride-tester and TMS (Lemmy bought him back)**

Yuri: Don't drive around here! The plot holes will wreck you!

**cleaned up animal and crowd waste, and then covered himself in it for 10 bucks as entertainment. **

Alice: Then died after getting ten different diseases.

**Sandslash had fun on the gravity defying roller coaster, **

Johnny: Providing enough waste for TMS.

**and all the other fun-fun rides. **

Shania: But those were edited out of the story.

**Lemmy then decided to smash some coin blocks. **

Yuri: Something even a Goomba could even figure out.

Alice: He also remembered that he had a entire fortune to use.

Johnny: He bought insurance on the amusement park. And he had lots of fire.

**However, there weren't any coin blocks around. **

Alice: It can mean only one thing…MARIO!

**However, Lemmy had gotten something in the mail, **

Johnny: Something not for little koopalings.

**and he opened it, and saw he had won the contest he entered. **

Shania: The Plot Hole contest! Get the most plot holes and win a prize!

**Lemmy had won 12.5 billion coins! He was rich! **

Yuri: Ah, but unfortunately that comes down to 12.5 in American dollars.

**"YAAAAAAHOO! I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M FABBBBBBBULOUSLY WEALTHY! OOH WOW WOO WOO WOO WOO!" **

Alice (Lemmy): Now I can build a second amusement park to buy me a new ball!

Yuri: It's going to repeat! NNOOO!

**Lemmy then all of sudden started doing cartwheels, backflips, double jumps, somersaults, bouncing on his head and kissing the goldfish. **

Johnny: He also built a second amusement park, sold and re-bought TMS, threw more crap at Sandslash, and did some naughty things!

**But it said you had to be 100 years old to get the money! **

Shania: Well, it was the 'Be A Hundred Years Old And Win' contest! Didn't you read the flyer?

**And Lemmy lost all the money from the park because Sandslash took it over and made TMS his slave again. **

Yuri: Got that, audience? Good, now explain it to me.

**TMS told Lemmy that if he freed him that he would help him get the cash,**

Alice: Grand Theft Auto style.

**so Lemmy gave Sandslash an IOU for $100 bucks. **

Johnny: Holy…how much do BALLS cost this world?

Alice: That depends. In dollars or in coins?

**TMS then used a little Guardian magic to make Lemmy look a hundred years old.**

Shania: Trust us, it REALLY happened!

**Unfortunately, after Lemmy got the money, **

Yuri: More stupid crap happened!

**TMS had been sent to guardian prison (an inescapable prison)**

Alice: Despite the large hole on the third floor.

**for using unnecessary magic and couldn't turn him back into a Koopaling. (He's the only one who can reverse such a spell cast by him.)**

Johnny: So…we went from a plot to getting money, to a jail break with a hundred year old man?

Yuri: The next plot is going to be about what color ball Lemmy is going to get! Which involves him getting a paint can, a rope and a ladder!

**Lemmy had three choices: **

Shania: Off a cliff, swim in lava, or Mario.

**Ditch TMS and stay old forever but with a ball,**

Yuri: Sounds good. (If it ends this.)

**spring TMS with the money **

Alice: Which costs exactly 12.5 billion coins.

**and get turned back to his normal form, or brake into the prison and get TMS out money in hand. **

Johnny: Or d). DIE.

**Well, Sandslash told Lemmy if he would let him have TMS back as his slave, he would help get TMS out. **

Shania: Barely a couple of minutes into this, and my mind is going FNGEKJFJK MCF,I;.FVDTYFGHG

**Lemmy agreed to this. **

Yuri (Lemmy): I agree to this.

**So Sandslash ran into the prison, **

Alice: Got shot…

**pulled out his Masamune Blade, **

Johnny: Out of his ass…

**and sliced a square in the wall. **

Shania: He needed to make a triangle to pass his test.

**The wall fell open and TMS was looking at Sandslash, wide eyed on the toilet. **

Yuri: I see the author lives at the bottom of the barrel.

**Sandslash cut threw the side of his cell! **

Alice: As implied and shown in the last sentence.

**Sandslash took TMS to Lemmy. **

Johnny: Who needs action? I don't!

**He stuck TMS in an energy cell (an invisible shield impossible to get out of from inside.) **

Shania: Sandlash's ass is HUGE!

**and said he would let him free if he got 1.5 billion bucks (Lemmy only had 1.4.) **

Yuri: When did he get the 150,000 coins? And why would Lemmy let him free? He let Sandlash free him to take him as a slave.

Alice: Yuri…you're trying to create logic where none exist.

Johnny: I'm surprised you cared.

**Sandslash was mad when he found out he didn't have it, so he stole his 1.4 billion and ran off with TMS. **

Alice: Lemmy is missing some fries from a happy meal, ain't he?

**Then he threw his Masamune Blade at Lemmy like a boomerang. Lemmy threw a rock at it but it sliced straight through it! **

Johnny: This requires a translation!

**All of the sudden an explosion was heard. **

Shania: In plot 3…

**As Sandslash looked back, ****Linary**** had caught the blade in human form, **

Yuri: Introducing Linary! The Drop-In Character!

**unfortunately, he had disintegrated and reformed. **

Alice: Much like the author's mind!

**"Sandslash, I think you left something." Linary threw the sword back.**

Johnny (Linary): Your purse. You left it last night at my place.

**(Ben's view) **

Shania: Who is Ben? Ben is the audience. Ben sees everything right now as nightmare.

**Sandslash started to run, but had stopped dead, literally. **

Yuri: One down, god-who-knows how many to go.

**The sword that had been thrown back to him by Linary had chopped his head off while it was still spinning in the air. **

Alice: Even the sword wants to leave!

**I rushed out, since I had seen the entire thing, and looked at the cell TMS is in. **

Johnny: Stop teleporting! It's confusing!

**I touched it and got zapped with about 75 billion megavolts of electricity. **

Shania: Touched what? TMS' poop?

**However, I only absorbed it, being immune to electricity. **

Yuri: In a world where everyone's ASS is large!

**I took out my super hammer and started to smash wildly at TMS's cell, **

Alice: Ghh…my mind…

**which smashed open after the 7th hit. **

Johnny: I wish I was that lucky.

**TMS thanked me, and I grabbed the money Sandslash took, and threw it back to Lemmy. **

Shania: Plot resolved! The end?

**Mario**** came over, and started yelling about stuff, like what's going on, and all this crud.**

Yuri: The audience's consul!

**I hated Mario, **

Alice: Oh, Ben is a Marty Stu! He's jealous of Mario for having Peach! Brace yourself!

**so I walloped him and his unnaturally big nose,**

Johnny: And Ben's fist bounced back, and hurt him.

**and he went flying. **

Shania: For a single foot.

**The only time Mario was EVER seen again, he was only a little blip on the Mushroom Kingdom's National Air and Space Association screen. **

Yuri: Then again, Ben lived only a day after today, so he's doesn't know what happened.

**Lemmy now had his 1.4 billion dollars back, and he jumped for joy. **

Alice (Lemmy): I jump for joy!

**I gave Lemmy 7.6 billion dollars, because I'm rich, and have an endless supply of money. **

Johnny: Gack! Ben, just finish this! Please!

**"Okay... Now what?" Lemmy asked. **

Shania: The End?

Yuri: Fin?

Alice: That's a wrap?

Johnny: Even a To Be Continued?

**Suddenly there was laughing. **

Yuri: Stop! I refuse to have anyone laugh after…this!

**"Mwa-ha-ha!" Sandslash's headless body started to float. **

Alice: BEN MORON KILLED ME! BEN MORON KILLED ME! BEN MORON KILLED ME!

**Then his head regenerated. "MWA-HA-HA!" Sandslash dug his hand into his mouth and pulled out another Masamun Blade. **

Johnny: Don't you mean his ass?

**Then his skin ripped off to reveal ****Axem Red****, now a strong evil force. **

Shania: Oh. This should be easy.

**He then coughed up Sandslash. "Hey! The last thing I remember Axem Red ate me." **

Yuri: Vore? Dear…sweet…god…

**Suddenly Mario levitated too and turned ino ****Axem Black****. **

Alice: No author should have this kind of power!

**Then AxemBblack (in a evil strong form) coughed up Mario. **

Johnny: Im…getting…weak…

Shania: Johnny fainted!

Yuri: We need to keep going…

**The same happened to ****Axem Yellow****, whose form was ****Luigi****, ****Axem Green****, whose form was Princess Toadstool, and ****Axem Pink****, whose form was ****Toad****. **

Shania: This makes no sense! I'm gone, and I'm taking Johnny with me!

Yuri: You can't…she just did.

Alice: Down to you and me, then.

**They all coughed up their forms. **

Yuri: Sounds like someone needs some Robotustin.

**Then they combined themselves into one monster who was as tall as a tree.**

Alice: That tree was a bonsai.

**"MMMMMMWWWWAAAAAAa-HHHHHAAAAAAAAA-HHHHHAAAAAAAA! MEEET, AXEMASTER!" **

Yuri: There's going to be wrestling!

**He dropped his Masamune Blade. **

Alice: Who? WHO?

**Sandslash took it and tossed one to TMS, and took the other one for himself. **

Yuri: They must be at a Masamune garden during the on season.

**"I've got better weapons." TMS set the blade down, **

Alice: Then got killed a second latter.

**"I call upon the power of the heavens, Star Staff appear!" A huge staff with a lethal star for a blade appeared, and all of a sudden TMS became Star Seeker. **

Yuri: …am I foaming?

Alice: No. I am.

Yuri: Alice? ALICE!

**"I finally get to use it again! Yes!" **

Yuri: The first annual!

**"Not without us behind you!" Star Koopa called. **

Yuri: I…Can't…Take… It…ANYMORE! I'm leaving!

Hardman5509: But the story is still going…and without Gilbert and/or Nicolai, the audience will just have to read the rest of the story without…

Yuri: You do it!

Hardman5509: Really? Okay!

**"Star Mirror appear. Show me the future of this battle!" The mirror showed Sandslash and Star Seeker fighting side by side. **

Hardman5509: Having their asses handed to them.

**"Star Sword Appear!" Star Freezer called. **

**"Star Glaive Appear!" Star Shrinker cried. **

Hardman5509: Star Hammer Appear! Star Gauntlet Appear! Star Condom Appear!

**"Sailor Stars, Join!" The weapons began to meld together. **

Hardman5509: Creating a puddle.

**The mirror's glossy surface replaced the star tip, the swords jewels encrusted the handle, and then the mirror turned into the wicked can-opener curve of the glaive. **

Hardman5509: Oh, it's weapon porn!

**All the Stars melted together to form Starath. **

Hardman5509: A word that took a second to think of.

**It was as big as Axemaster and held the mixture of weapons, ready to attack. **

Hardman5509: Ensuring victory over the EVIL villains, who never know true love.

**Anyways, Sandslash took the Masamune Blade and threw it at Axemaster. **

Hardman5509: He got annoyed that the others were doing nothing to attack the enemy, despite the enemy waiting patiently.

**It cut straight through one of its arms and flew back into Sandslash's hand. **

Hardman5509: Cutting it.

**Then Sandslash pulled out a red stick. **

Hardman5509: Oh god! Put that away, they're kids here!

**"Power stick extend!" His stick extended and pushed Sandslash up to head level with Axemaster. **

Hardman5509: Good plan! Let's see what happens.

**Axemaster grabbed Sandslash and squeezed him. **

Hardman5509: Yay!

**Starath came and punched a hole in Axemasters's leg and Axemaster started to fall. **

Hardman5509: Cheap shot! Cheap shot!

**Then Sandslash stuck the stick between his legs, and raised his leg up, shoving the stuck in his... vulnerable spot. **

Hardman5509: Our heroes…they fight really dirty.

**Axemaster was on the ground shaking. **

Hardman5509: Look, you made him cry.

**Then suddenly all his wounds sealed up!**

Hardman5509: That's why you don't push enemies into health packets during online play!

**Starath became the four stars, deciding they needed strength in numbers. "Koopa Star Power!" **

**"Seeker Star Power!" **

**"Freezer Star Power!" **

**"Shrinker Star Power!"**

Hardman5509: By the power of Plothole! I HAVE THE POWER!

**Starath seperated into the four stars, Koopa, Seeker, Freezer, and Shrinker. "I am Star Koopa, prepare to meet your doom!" **

Hardman5509: Ghh…what's going on…

**"I am Star Seeker, see if you can match my Seeking ****Inferno****." **

**"I am Star Freezer, prepare to be frozen!" **

**"I am Star Shrinker, be prepared to be out witted." **

**"Koopa Shooting Star..." **

**"Star Seeking Inferno..." **

**"Freezing Star..." **

**"Shrinking Star..." **

**"Strike!" **

**"Seek!" **

**"Freeze!" **

**"Shrink!" **

Hardman5509: SHUT UP! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! GOD! Those guys got it right! I can't stand it anymore! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

* * *

"All right, the bad news first."

"Go ahead. Even the world ending sounds nice." Yuri moaned, as everyone just laid on the floor, in severe mental pain.

"You will have to come back to this one day." Hardman5509 said, putting on earphones. The earphones flew off a second later. "But not next time. Possibly after you finish My Immortal, and even then it will still be in parts. But next time, it's back to My Immortal!"

"Hey!" Shania shot back up. "Can you get us out of here? You're the author, end this!"

"…why? Your pain brings in views! Now…end interlude!"

* * *

_HOLY...CRAP...that was bad. Then again, I found this story under DARTHWIKI, under the Fanfic section of SO BAD IT'S HORRIBLE._


	14. My Immortal 3

**AN: I sed stup flming da stryo!**

Yuri: I missed this.

**if ur a prep den dnot red it!**

Alice: Not that we don't have a choice.

**u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. **

Johnny: Question One. Are you an prep?

**if ur not den u rok.**

Shania: Like a rock!

**if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! **

Yuri: Okay.

Johnny: Get back here!

**pz willo isn't rely a prep. **

Alice: Stop introducing characters in the author's notes!

**Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!**

Johnny (Author): Edit my story, or you will never see your poster again!

Alice: That's motivation.

**Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. **

Shania (Purple): Because we are the main characters, so everything goes our way.

**He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). **

Yuri: That's not special around these parts.

**Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. **

Alice: …we will just leave it at that.

**"WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. **

Johnny (Purple): I won't sleep with you now!

**"Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. **

Shania: DESPITE A CASE OF DEATH.

Johnny: Death is much more of an general annoyance here.

**Hargird went away angrily.**

Yuri (Hagrid): Grumble, grumble!

**"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.**

Alice: She likes insulting and complementing in the same sentence.

Yuri: I guess it makes sense.

**"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. **

Johnny (Purple): She's prettier than me! She must die!

**She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. **

Shania: I missed this! I can't believe I actually missed this!

**She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. **

Yuri: She also has a brain the size of a goldfish's eye.

**She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.**

Alice: In short, Willow is the perfect trophy wife!

**"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.**

**"Yah." I said happily.**

**"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. **

Johnny: Great. Now we're getting two Mary Sues for the price of one!

**Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. **

Shania (Jesus): You called, Madame?

**They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **

Yuri: Judging by their gazing.

**Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. **

Alice: But he had it on upside-down.

**He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. **

Johnny: Who cares? Every teen male here looks the same!

Alice: All that makeup must be slowing him down.

**Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. **

Shania: Charlie Brown has more clothes then this guy.

**B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. **

Yuri: Drink Dracola! It's the fizz that makes it swell!

**Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **

Alice: A vampire belly button?

Yuri: I'll take it over a Cullen.

**They dyed in a car crash. **

Johnny: Their hair was dyed red.

**Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. **

Shania: That's redundant.

**He was in Slitherin now. **

Yuri: Everyone's in Slytherin. We're in Slytherin!

**He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. **

Alice: Well, he blends in well.

**We kall him Dracula now.**

Johnny: Or Drek for short.

**Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) that his dad Lucian gave him.**

Shania: It's the return of a classic joke!

**We did pot, coke and crak. **

Yuri: Meanwhile, The Reaper is tapping his foot, looking at his wristwatch.

Alice: Twirling his sickle.

Johnny: Considering to go up and get it over with.

**Draco and I made out. **

Alice: I guess they didn't want to stay and see the clowns.

**We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. **

Johnny: The prep's turn next.

Alice (Purple): You...preps! Lololol…

**We soon got there...I gapsed.**

Shania (Purple): There's a blob of white!

**Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! **

Yuri: Back to the beginning of the story, I see.

Johnny: Second killing spree?

**He locked even sexier den he did in pix. **

Alice: CUT! Purple, did you read your lines?

**He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. **

Johnny: Gerard is a Hogwarts student?

**He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. **

Shania: The word 'ethnic' reminds me of another word, at least in this story…

Alice: Racist?

Shania: Yeah.

**We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. **

Yuri: Her favorite band, and she only knows two songs?

Shania: Sounds right.

**Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was...Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!**

Alice: I see Purple has the power to rewind time!

Yuri: Back to the Future 4: My Immortal!

Shania: Well, at least MCR is dead.

**"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. **

Johnny (Vlodemort): I'm lead, you're the backup!

**"Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now...I shall kill thou and Draco!"**

Shania: Please.

**"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.**

Yuri: Please mean a metal knife.

**Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. **

Alice: Carrying a boomstick on his shoulder!

**He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. **

Johnny: MEDIC! THERE'S A GUY WITH HIS LUNG IN HIS HAIR!

**He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. **

Shania: Great, now sky ads are no longer cool.

Alice: He just needs the money.

**He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. **

Yuri (Goth Man): Hocus Pocus!

Johnny (Vlodemort): AAAAHHHH!

**It was...DUMBLYDORE!**

Alice: WE MISSED YOU!

**AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! **

Johnny: Try telling that to a pyromaniac.

**if u do den ur a fuken prep! **

Shania: Should we skip this?

Johnny: Nah.

**fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! **

Yuri: That poster must be really important.

Johnny: Actually, the poster holds the formula to time travel.

**n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! **

Alice: She treats this story like a message board. Is that good or bad?

**ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!**

Johnny: She lives in the Twilight Zone, don't she?

**I woke up the next day in my coffin. **

Shania: In her beach-house.

**I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. **

Yuri: Her fat, pudgy, grey belly.

**I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.**

Alice: Haunted by the ghost of pirate captain Howard Low.

**(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **

Johnny: You can see the old, tired stage manager holding up the 'Laugh' card.

**Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. **

Shania: Dumbeldore! Stop chasing Vlodemort with those firecrackers!

**We flew there on our brooms. **

Yuri: Where?

Johnny: Phillips, Maine. Where else?

**Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. **

Alice: The lace caused many problems while flying.

**Draco had a black MCR boom. **

Johnny: It was black and the letters MCR on it. That's all.

**We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.)**

Shania: People screamed.

Alice: From what? The sex or the music?

Shania: …if you have to ask…

**Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. **

Yuri: Man, is it wet down there!

**There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. **

Alice: Gah! Hogwarts is turning into a gothic Borg cube!

**But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **

Johnny: When you think Harry Potter, you think pink.

Yuri: That's what happens when you hire a ghost to paint.

**And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.**

Shania: Not even Star Trek is that insane!

**"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. **

Yuri (Purple): There's a fly in my soup!

**B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. **

Alice: Assimilation has never been this dull.

**Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. **

Johnny: The writing read, 'For 49.99…'

Alice: No more!

**Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. **

Shania: I guess the boys just wait around for their cue.

**We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi.**

Yuri: But not the girls! It's just icky.

Johnny: Damn.

**"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. **

Alice: Everything.

Shania: But not the kitchen sink. BA-DUM TISH!

**He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. **

Johnny: But changed his name again.

**He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.**

**"...DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.**

Shania (Dumbledore): I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!

**"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"**

Yuri (Dumbledore): I glued it on by accident. Can someone run hot water over me?

**"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"**

Alice: He must have hired your stereotypical gay designer.

Yuri: FABULOUS.

**Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **

Johnny: It's a good thing that the original main characters aren't in Gryiffindoor any more. They might not have been cool!

**Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.**

Shania: Actually, they're looking at a mirror.

**"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.**

Yuri: Ah! Tara suddenly had a case of Tourettes!

**"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. **

Alice (Jesus): Unlike us. We're Super Posers!

**We were holding hands. **

Johnny: Actually, Jesus was crushing Purple's hand.

**Vampire looked really jealous. **

Shania: And barfy.

**I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) but I didn't say anything.**

Yuri: Man, I want to play Castlevania!

Shania: He also turned a bit green.

**"I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted.**

Alice: Oh, this takes place in a future where everyone got held back.

Shania: He shouldn't had those burritos…

Yuri: Okay, okay!

**I was so fucking angry.**

Johnny: Is this the remainder of the story? Just one long repeat of the same story threads?

Yuri: Where have you been?

**AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 **

Shania: I'm jealous of her determination.

**frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 **

Yuri: For every two you delete, four more will be posted!

**BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11**

Alice: Well, she is a poorly-written character.

**All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. **

Johnny (Jesus): Let's get on our skeleton costumes and beat him up!

**We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. **

Shania: Round Four!

**It had been postphoned, so we could all go.**

Yuri: Postponed like Duke Nukem Forever!

**Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. **

Alice: Sadly…to cut classes?

Shania: As the gothic main character, she needs to cut classes. Sadly, the next class was Cutting 101.

**Draco was being all secretive.**

Johnny (Jesus): Secret…box…

**I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).**

Shania (Author): Sensitive gay woman? Pfft…those are icky!

**"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. **

Yuri: Even his pet rabbit hates him!

Johnny (Jesus): I'm angry and confused, and I don't know how to direct it!

**He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **

Alice: I wish you'll die, die, die, die…

**I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. **

Johnny: Man, I bet in Skyrim she's always overencumbered.

**My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)**

Shania: No thanks, I'll just Google it. Nah, on second thought, I won't.

**"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled.**

**"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.**

**"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.**

**"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.**

Yuri: Quick, more soap operas clichés!

Alice: My love for you is like a hundred suns!

Johnny: Can't you see what I'm telling you that I love you?

Shania: We're meant for each other!

**But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. **

Alice: Heard what? His Britney Spears album?

**Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!).**

Johnny: This whole thing is like a bad 90s music video!

**I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.**

Shania: Tourettes strike again!

**Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.**

Yuri: The plot wanted Hargrid, and thus Hargrid came.

**"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"**

Alice (Hargrid): I live here!

**Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.**

Johnny: Our two favorite characters, together in one scene? It's a dream!

**"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?"**

Shania: Black.

**"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.**

**"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u."**

Yuri: In case you forgot he was a poser!

**AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.**

Alice: Actually, she went to Wisconsin.

**All day I wondered what the surprise was. **

Johnny: It's a goldfish.

**Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. **

Shania: And a pot on her head.

**MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. **

Yuri: The last three concerts, you mean.

**I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. **

Alice: What sort of medical condition is that?

Yuri: The stupid kind.

**Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. **

Johnny: She moshed to the door…

**I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.**

Shania: Nah, it's just the next country over, and they want you to turn it down!

**"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! **

Yuri: Where's Snap? I miss the comedic duo.

**"R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. **

Alice: Woah! She actually wants it?

Yuri: It's in her character. Get someone to try to rape her, beat him up, and become loved by all.

**I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.**

Johnny: I guess that cure didn't last long, huh?

Shania: SHE'S 17!

**"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **

Shania: Great, she's using spelling errors as jokes!

Johnny: If that isn't proof that she's a troll, I don't know what would prove otherwise!

**kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.**

Yuri: You came to the right place!

Alice: YURI!

Yuri: I didn't mean it!

**"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.**

Alice: When you put like that, you actually mean that Loopin isn't a pedo!

**"Fuker." He said, gong away.**

Johnny: Good, someone getting tired of Purple and just leaving.

**Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. **

Shania: Basically, she turned into a 1930's cartoon.

**Then I went. **

Yuri: To Parma, Italy.

**Den I gasped...Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1**

Alice: …there's nothing we can say.

Yuri: …we're lost, folks.

Shania: They were filming for 'Wizards Gone Wild'!

Alice: …oh, I have a headache…

**"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. **

Johnny: I see that McGongagall has been giving lessons!

**Dobby ran away crying. **

Shania (Dobby): They took my ball!

**Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) **

Yuri: I think the term 'shallow'…is too shallow.

**but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)**

Alice: In short, Griffndoor is the new Slytherin, and Slytherin is the new Griffndoor!

**"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)**

Johnny: Or…in a moment of brilliance…she found the spelling check!

**"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily.**

**"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed.**

Shania (Purple): I just love two guys doing it!

**"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then...I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. **

Yuri: Clean the camera first, though. Who knows how long that been up your...

Alice: YURI!

**U could see that they were naked and everything.**

Alice: Everything?

Shania: Well, except for the…ow!

Alice: Nice try.

**"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. **

Johnny: …princess!

**"What was dat al about?"**

Shania: Let's recap the entire chapter!

**"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. **

Yuri: You can just feel the Spoony One getting a hernia from that.

**"So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. **

Alice: But tripped over air.

**They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. **

Johnny: She threw her bloody flesh at them?

Yuri: Given her repeated nature of cutting herself, she's probably used to it.

**Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.**

Shania: No, really, he's on fire.

**"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.**

**"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"**

Yuri: Freudian slip? More like Freudian slapstick!

**Then... he showed me his flying car. **

Alice: Stolen.

**I gasped. It was a black car. **

Johnny: Oh gee, BLACK! Never get tired of seeing that!

Alice: She nearly missed it due to it blending in with everything else!

**He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. **

Shania: Is that a joke? I mean, dog is god spelled backwards.

Johnny: Nope. There's no 'geddit?' note.

**The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. **

Yuri: Hey! That's illegal!

Johnny: It's custom, Yuri.

Yuri: Not that! I mean that it's illegal because there's five other plates like that.

**The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it.**

**...I gasped.**

Alice: At the giant snake eating the car.

**We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.**

Johnny: With Fisher Price toys.

**Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. **

Shania: I guess Draco/Jesus is cutting himself in the corner.

**I gapsed, looking at da band.**

Yuri: Voldermort and Death Dealers again?

**I almost had an orgasim. **

Alice: I hope that means that her organs exploded.

**Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. **

Johnny: But was quickly drowned out by his band playing.

**...And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **

Shania (Purple): Oh, yeah! I forgot Draco is my boyfriend! Oh well!

**AN: fuk u ok! **

Yuri: That goes out to everybody!

**u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 **

Alice (Tara): And i wuz two lazi to uze spelding queck!

**woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 **

Johnny: Go Packers!

**I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!**

Shania: And is banned for life.

**Later we all went in the skull. **

Yuri: A giant's skull, perhaps?

**Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice.**

Alice (Jesus): WHY DID THEY CANCEL MANNIAL?

**"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. **

Johnny (Jesus): People tend to die when they cut their wrists! Not everyone is you! Damn, why did I listen to you!

**He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. **

Shania: Only for Voldermort to catch him and put him back in bondage!

**I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.**

Yuri (Purple): But then I stopped when I remembered what happened last time.

**"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better."**

Alice: (Vampire): If you know what I mean…

**"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. **

Johnny: Nice, Alice!

Alice: Called it or what?

**Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.**

Shania: Why does everyone act like an abused housewife? Purple endlessly hurts and insults them, and they still hang around with her!

Alice: Because Purple is the hero?

**"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. **

Yuri: Once again, I want to play Castlevania!

**I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)**

Hardman5509: Coming from one.

Alice: Author…

Hardman5509: I'm gone.

**And then... we herd sum footsteps! **

Alice: Fi, fo, thum…

**Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **

Johnny: It's a Coke/potion which that makes people immortal?

Yuri: Gee, I didn't know that Coke is black!

**We both gut under it. **

Shania: And now they're killing it? Dear god!

**We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.**

Yuri: Ah, he's looking for his porn mags.

**"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. **

Alice (Norris): MARCO…

**We saw Filth come. **

Johnny: Filth is Norris' archenemies!

**He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.**

Shania: Hehehe…what?

Alice: This isn't Britain's Funniest Home Videos!

**"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.**

Yuri (Norris): Besides you, ghost cat!

**"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.**

Alice (Tara): And then the goth fairy appeared, and gave Ebony the power to make everyone Goths!

**"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. **

Johnny: Mr. Norris, did you forget your hearing aide again?

**Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded. **

Shania: The cat agrees.

**And then...Vampir frenched me! **

Yuri: Dumped her in French ranch.

**He did it jus as... Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1**

Alice: This would be embarrassing…but they're wearing clothes.

**"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. **

Johnny: Suddenly, I pine for the Wild Wild World of Batwoman.

**And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.**

Shania: He's okay.

**"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"**

Yuri: Yeah.

**"I guess though." Draco weeped. **

Alice: See?

**We went back to our coffins frenching each other. **

Johnny: Tripping over bats and rats along the way.

**Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) on the gothic red bed together.**

Shania: Not at all.

**As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now.**

Yuri: Someone's burning a effigy of her.

**There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1**

Alice: And we leave at the same time!

Johnny: It's good to be back.

Shania: We'll see about next week, though.

* * *

Johnny sat down at a large computer and started to type something fast.

"You actually typing something, or are you using the Hollywood Input?" Yuri asked, holding a soft drink he grabbed from some chubby kid down the street.

Shut it.

"I'm trying to contact Nick and Glick." Some noises, like 'plip' and 'blip', came out from the computer as Johnny talked. "Last week story has me worried that if they don't return by the end of this story, we may have to deal with more stuff like…well, you know." A long 'whirring' sound emitted from the computer, and continued for about fifteen seconds, while a long roll of paper came out from the printer. "What the hell…"

_BOOM_

"YURI! JOHNNY!" Alice and Shania ran in, coughing from the black smoke covering the room. When the smoke cleared, Yuri and Johnny were lying on the floor, entirely covered in black soot. "Oh, okay. You're fine." Shania left, while Alice ran over to help the boys up. "Are you?"

"Yeah!" Johnny said, coughing. "If you don't count that my blood can't be used for transfusion!"

"Give me week and my spine will be ready for s…" Yuri said, before he noticed the paper that was coming out from the computer before it exploded. "Hey! Check this out! Johnny got the schedule!"

"Really?" Johnny grabbed the paper. "Yes! It is! Look, on May 5, 2010, we did 'A little problem'! And on December 2, 2011, we did 'A Haunting Past'! And today, January 3, 2012, we did the next part of My Immortal! It matches!"

"Check next week!" Shouted Shania from the another room.

"All right…" Johnny looked down. "It's not My Immortal…and no post date…hold on. There's a ink stain on it." Johnny started to rub the stain with his cuff of his jacket. "I guess Gilbert installed a fail-safe to prevent us from getting the schedule…"

"Rub harder!" Yuri shouted.

Johnny finally rubbed the stain until the name of the next story was clear enough to read. "It's…'Harry Potter turns to the lord.'"

Space is silent.

Unless you count the entire Hunk of Junk's crew hollering for their dear lives.

* * *

_Sorry for the delay. This part was supposed to be last time, but my computer had restarted, and I lost my progress. Thus 'A Haunting Past.' I'm going to do one part of My Immortal, then a one-shot. I'm also going to cut down the number of chapters I put into one part. I'm going to move faster this year._


	15. Harry Potter turns to the Lord

_In the not-too-distant past -_  
_Last Sunday A.D. -_  
_There was a guy named Yuri,_  
_Way too different from you or me._  
_He fought to save world many times,_  
_Alongside with his girlfriend Alice._  
_He did a good job fixing up the place,_  
_But his enemies didn't like him_  
_So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How can we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Hey…welcome to the Hunk of Junk…" Yuri said, trying to hide fear in his voice. "Last time, we got the schedule. It…ah, turns out….that our next story is called…well, 'Harry Potter turns to the Lord'. By the title alone, it's obviously a story that involves 'the boy who lived' giving up his world of magic and wonder to become a zealot Christian." Yuri took a deep breath. "Yeah."

"God, I hate these kind of stories!" Alice yelled, in a tone of voice unlike her. "This is why we can't have nice things! Zealots! Christian zealots! They turn good stories into what they want! We can't have different religions or ideas, everyone and everything needs to be Christian!"

"Alice?" Johnny poked his head out of the cushions.

"I'm sorry." Alice returned to her normal voice. "It's just…I'm sick of this kind of story. Yeah, it's out first one, but I went to school with a lot crazy people, and it left a very bad impression. I have a feeling that I know the author!"

"Calm down." Shania said, her face hiding behind her book. "We handled worst. Surely a piece of Christian drivel can't be that bad."

"Trust me, nothing is bad as 'Captain Cross V.S. Stars and Moons!'" Alice swiped a beer bottle from Yuri and took a swig. "The first in ten comics sold at the school I went to."

Shania threw her book down, showing a face of horror. "Thank you, Alice. Now I lost my cool! Thanks!" She gave Alice two thumbs up, and then slouched.

Alice looked around. Yuri was trying to drink his beer, but his hands continued to shake, leaving a mess on the counter. Johnny remained under his cushions. Shania was starting to fall into her chair. Any second now, the alarms would go off, and they would run into the theater to tackle the story. Alice sighed, knowing what she had to do.

She walked over to the theater doors, and ran in.

"ALICE!" Yuri yelled. Everyone ran over to the doors. Yuri tried to open the doors, but the locks had already set in, preventing anyone from entering…and leaving. "DAMNIT!"

"Did she just…sacrifice herself to tackle today's story?" Shania said, her fear turning into despair.

"She did." Johnny whispered.

"ALICE!"

* * *

**-Harry Potter turns to the Lord-**

Alice: And gives him the finger.

**Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.**

Alice: Tonight on NBC.

**It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.**

Alice: Oh, stop pretending you're deep.

**It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.**

Alice: Its called puberty. Everyone goes though that.

**"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively. **

Alice (Dumbledore): What did just hide under the covers when I came in?

**"It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."**

Alice (Dumbledore): It's like you're bored, or something!

**"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.**

Alice: Meanwhile, the Weasley twins are setting up a Looney Tunes style trap.

**"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted.**

Alice: A perchance to have a chance to dream?

**Harry wearily acquiesced. "Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams."**

Alice (Harry): It's like I have an evil wizard trying to killing me after he killed my parents.

**"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts."**

Alice: You need new glasses, and a hearing aid.

**"I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"**

**"Yes. Thank you, sir."**

Alice (Harry): …yes, sir, thank you for a vacation. Madly do I thank you.

**Not that time off would do him any good. **

Alice: He didn't leave.

**The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime.**

Alice: Voldemort became both his shoulder angel and his shoulder devil.

**To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.**

Alice: And check for hot babes.

**He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans, but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered.**

Alice: He needs coffee, STAT!

**He began to plummet.**

Alice: But can he earn the gold?

**Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours.**

Alice: Good thing he's not afraid of falling to his death.

**Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark.**

Alice: Oh, this is how Harry Potter turns to the Lord! The end?

**"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"**

Alice: You're not dead, are you?

**Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness, and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties.**

Alice (Harry): Where are my clothes?

**As Harry was perceptive, he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.**

Alice: And by the smell of rotten apples.

**"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.**

Alice: Germany.

**"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!" chuckled the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space. "I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."**

Alice: I have a feeling that his guy was beat up by his high school band.

**"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake.**

Alice (Harry): What's the capital of Assyria?

**"My name is David," the man replied. **

Alice (David): As in the Biblical/Torah figure.

**"I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky. Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"**

Alice (David): You aren't one of so people redoing the opening of Kingdom Hearts?

**"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly.**

Alice (Harry): With my boomstick!

**"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."**

Alice: …Captain.

**Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.**

**"Where's my robe?" he cried.**

Alice (Harry): I had my collection of Chocolate Frog Cards in my robe!

**"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know. Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."**

Alice: Yeah, because a stick is evil.

**"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."**

Alice: Much like how poorly-written Christians always carry crosses, hold Bibles, and talk the way of the Jesus!

**"A wizard, you say?" mused David. "I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"**

Alice (David): The one that I'm always on the run to prevent them from wiping my mind?

**"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.**

**"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."**

Alice (David): Before killing her.

**"What was her name?"**

**"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly. **

Alice (David): No, wait, it was Ashley! No, Maddy! No, no, it's Pearl! Yes! Pearl!

**She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me. **

Alice: Then again, both were drunk.

**Until one day she achieved a new level of magic, and that's when things started to go awry."**

Alice: She used magic from the book of 'Forbidden, Black, Evil Magic. DON'T USE. THIS WILL KILL YOU.'

**"What do you mean?" asked Harry.**

**"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked.**

Alice: Her family was killed by a priest.

**"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.**

Alice: Like this was planned.

**"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety. **

Alice: Satanic by his definition.

**All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them, but she had to find out why she was being haunted. **

Alice (David): Then again, I was dating her.

**So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage. I showed her The Bible, you see..."**

Alice (David): …and she joined my harem.

**"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.**

Alice: Despite living with Muggles for eleven years. The Dursleys must not be religious.

**"That's right," he replied,**

**"The Christian Bible. **

Alice: Of Ambiguous Nature.

**And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse? **

Alice: Because every Christian knows verses by heart.

**Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "So, don't you see, young man?" David finished.**

Alice (Harry): Yes, I see, but how does that apply to me?

**"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."**

Alice: Satan has MUCH better things to do. Trust me.

**"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"**

**"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.**

Alice: Well, as a butter knife. That's been buried in the ground for ten years.

**"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"**

Alice: Great, the author lowered Harry to the level of Draco!

**"So, you're having nightmares, too?"**

**Harry was silenced.**

Alice: Permanently.

**David strolled over to him, and lay the Bible beside him. "I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled.**

Alice (David): Don't mind the Rohypnol.

**"Get your rest. We'll talk more about this later."**

Alice (David): Dream of the Lord!

**Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend. **

Alice: It's like David planned this!

**David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. **

Alice: Because of him, zealots were born!

**And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.**

Alice (David): Magic is evil! Now, convert!

**Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.**

Alice: He had to escape.

**"David?" he asked one afternoon.**

Alice (Harry): What's sex?

**"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.**

Alice: While also smoking from corncob pipe.

**"How do I become a Christian?"**

**"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," smiled David, proudly. "Come, let me show you."**

Alice (David): Bath time!

**David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.**

Alice (David): Lord, I've altered a man's soul to serve you.

**"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray...Amen."**

Alice: The real Harry Potter would have immediately broke into laughter, stunned David, and made his way home. Just saying.

**Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.**

Alice: Wait…gah! He pulled his eyes out!

**For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and...pure.**

Alice: This moment lasted a second.

**He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts, convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.**

Alice: Thus weakening him to when Voldemort attacks!

**He wept all night long because of this.**

Alice (Harry): I miss my mom and dad! But, hey, I'm Christian now!

**"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.**

Alice: With his wizard gear secretly hidden.

**"Yes, Harry?" replied David.**

**"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"**

Alice (David): Nope! You're damned!

**"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted.**

Alice: Unless, you know, you fought back.

**"But if God is for you, then who can be against you? Go, and spread the word. You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter. Now it's time you used it for good."**

Alice (David): Go out on a holy crusade into foreign lands to change the barbarians into followers of our Lord! God bless!

**Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend, **

Alice: Profound and genuine are the words that one would describe the complete opposite of David.

**Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.**

Alice: But he had a carving for a Butterbeer.

**But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.**

Alice: Jesus needs a restraining order.

**-End-**

Alice: And remember, Christianity is the way to a good afterlife! Any other religions or ideas are works of the devil! Buy Chick Tracks at your local church!

* * *

"Alice?" Yuri, eyes still wet, looked over to see Alice walk out from the theater. Alice looked unscathed, with a faint smile on her face. "Alice!" He got to her first, hugging her tight. "Why?"

"I…didn't my friends to sit through what I endured for seven years." Alice spoke, quietly. "My time in school always remained as a nightmare in my head. My classmates believed that our religion was the only one that mattered. I spent too many years traveling with my dad to not believe them. I guess I charged in alone to prevent my friends from suffering from what I went through…and to deal with some personal demons."

"Thank you, Alice." Shania wrapped her arms around Alice. "I owe you one."

"Me, too. Thanks." Johnny joined in.

And so they remained huddled.

Let's give them some alone time.

* * *

_I had to do this one. Just had to it._


	16. My Immortal 4

Yuri looked at Johnny.

Johnny looked at Yuri.

"Man, those guys are bored." Alice said.

"It's time for My Immortal." Shania added, sipping her cup of tea. "The best way to prepare for that…space train wreck…is to bore yourself almost to sleep so you can fall asleep in case of the story starting to drag it's legs again."

"Oh." Alice looked into her cup, noticing it to be dry. "Can I have some more?"

"Sure." Shania tipped the teapot…

_*WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP*_

"Story…" Yuri tried to say his line, but Johnny hit him over the head with both hands, with Shania carrying him in.

* * *

**AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr.**

Yuri: She never gets tired.

**noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1**

Alice: It's not Opposite Day!

**All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **

Johnny: Well, magic has caused a lot of strife…

**Well anyway, I woke up the next day. **

Shania: But enough of the Misery of Magic!

**I was in my coffin so I opened the door. **

Yuri: And fell down the stairs, as a coffin can't walk well.

**I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. Then I gasped.**

Alice (Purple): I wasn't wearing anything at all!

**Standing in front of me where... B'loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!**

Johnny: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

**I opened my crimson eyes. **

Shania: AKA she blinked.

**Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. **

Yuri: Great, a entire chapter about what the characters are wearing! See?

**Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. **

Alice: She's a gothic ballerina?

**Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. **

Johnny: HEY! They're reusing outfits!

Alice: I feel cheated!

**Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. **

Shania: He just threw a can of black paint on himself.

**He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. **

Yuri: And just as repulsive!

**Vampire looked like Joel Madden. **

Alice: Actually, every male in this story looks like the child of Joel and Gerard.

**B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. **

Johnny: In short, a preppy goth!

Yuri: Double standards!

**Darkness (who is Jenny)**

Shania: Jenny who?

Yuri: The actress who plays Ginny in the movies?

Alice: I highly doubt that Tara knew that.

**was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. **

Yuri: Looking like the other girls in the room. I'm surprised Purple was able to recognize her.

**So were Crab and Goyle. **

Alice: And Bill and Ted.

Johnny: As well as Laurel and Hardy.

Shania: Don't forget Tom Servo and Crow.

Yuri: Shania…

Shania: Oh…hehehe…

**It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. **

Johnny: Let me guess…blah blah, suicide?

**He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. **

Shania: Right on the dollar, Johnny.

**He had raped them and stuff before too. **

Yuri: OH SWEET GOD!

Alice: AND IT'S TREATED LIKE A GOLDFISH DYING!

Johnny: I REALLY SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!

Shania: BITE ME TARA!

**They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.**

Alice: I want to hurt this story. Really. I want to make this story cry. Kick it while it's down…

Yuri: Alice, need a hug?

Alice: YES!

**"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"**

Johnny: Didn't you hear me? THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

**"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said.**

Shania: Besides the story?

Yuri: The characters?

Alice: Back stories?

**"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.**

Yuri: I think that Purple would enjoy going around naked.

**"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice.**

Alice: Sexy? More like a fish drowning!

**"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective."**

Johnny (Purple): Why are you guys like…

Alice: Not another word.

**"I will I will." he said.**

Shania (Jesus): When I feel like it.

**So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. **

Yuri: In the future, your makeup kit will recognize what you use and how you use it, and it'll do it in less than a minute!

**Then I came. **

Alice: But we can't go!

**We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. **

Johnny: The Great Hal isn't pleased.

**A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. **

Shania: She was minding her own business…

**She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her.**

Yuri (Purple): Because she didn't share tastes. We later killed her.

**Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. **

Alice: She stole it.

**Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. **

Johnny (Fudge): Dammnit! Stop changing my name!

**Doris Rumbridge was there too.**

Shania: If this wasn't repulsive enough, well...here you go!

**"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"**

Yuri: Wait, if the school closes…the story will close!

Johnny: Not a chance.

**"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.**

Alice: Oh boy…too many riffs…

Johnny: He's going to use the students as chew toys!

Shania: His bite IS worse!

Yuri: What, how is he going to kill people with wood?

**"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. **

Johnny (Rumbridge): You're not fit to be a character in this story! We need more depressed emos!

**"YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **

Shania: I didn't know that Alzheimers could cause someone to explode!

**YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"**

Yuri: Please insert two tokens!

Johnny: No…too late!

Yuri: GAME OVER!

**"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. **

Alice: His caps lock key is broken.

**"Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. **

Johnny: At least until the seventh book comes out.

**There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. **

Shania: Great, it turned into a gender-flip story!

Alice: No, that's not it.

**And her name is...Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."**

Yuri: Sorry, Alice. It's not Ebony. The chosen one is Enony, her much more likeable sister.

**Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other...I gasped.**

Alice (Purple): I think there's some dip left in the fridge.

**AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 **

Johnny: Now if she could read what those reviews said.

**fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!**

Shania: Wait. Raven told Tara about Harry Potter?

Alice: I hate her!

**The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. **

Yuri: They might break out in a dance.

**Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.**

Alice: They killed them!

Yuri: YES!

**"MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.**

Johnny (Dumbledore): Who the hell bleeps their own sentences? Oh, right.

**"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!"**

Shania: Freud just did a spit take at that line.

Alice: Wait, how could you corrupt Rumbridge?

**Well we all came in angrily. **

Yuri: Stomping.

Alice: Steam coming out of their ears.

Johnny: Symbols replaced their curse words.

Shania: Their skin turned red.

**So did all the other students.  
**

Alice: Like the others.

**I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. **

Johnny: Hey! They're using stock footage!

**Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. **

Shania (Crab): Why did the chicken cross the road?

Johnny (Goyle): To get to the other side!

**They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **

Yuri: Or Chris Farley.

**I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. **

Alice: This is a comedy right?

Shania: Well, the blood is from Charlie Chaplin. That counts right?

**Then I herd someone shooting angrily. **

Johnny: The gun just got laid off, okay?

**I looked behind me it was...Vampire! **

Shania: And…a mob!

**He and Draco were shooting at eachother.**

Yuri: I guess Voldermort gave up his job of hunting Harry to become a gun dealer.

**"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.**

Alice (Purple): You're horrible shots! Here, let me show you…

**"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"**

Johnny: WOAH! They're in to that?

Yuri: Not a surprise.

**"No I do!" shouted.**

**"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco.**

**"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. **

Shania: Then the most ugly, disgusting sex scene happened between Jesus and Mud.

**And then... he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv)**

Yuri: Too bad!

**They started to fight and beat up each other.**

Alice: Cute terms.

**Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. **

Johnny: He wanted to join in!

Alice: Okay!

**All of a sudden... a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. **

Shania: Quick! This man needs eye drops!

**He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. **

Yuri: By the way, he had no nose.

**All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. **

Alice: Without his nose.

**Britney that fucking prep started to cry. **

Johnny: From a lack of a nose.

**Vampire and Draco stopped fighting...I shopped eating...Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent...Volzemort!**

Shania: …without a nose!

**"Eboby...Ebony..." Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. **

Yuri: But Volzemort was really….Darth Valer!

Johnny: Oh, Hayden Christensen!

**"Thou havfe failed ur mission. **

Alice (Hayden): And you didn't save!

**Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. **

Johnny (Hayden): Sorry it took so long.

**If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!"**

Shania: Hayden needs to stop slacking off.

**"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.**

Yuri (Purple): At until I'm done with him!

**"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling.**

Alice: Yet another campaign promise goes unfilled.

**I bust into tears. **

Johnny (Purple): They aren't renewing Buffy!

**Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **

Shania: Into a pretzel shape.

**Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. **

Yuri: She pulled out her own eyes?

Shania: Red is gothic.

**I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.**

Alice: Wait! It's not a vision! It's a flashback!

**"No!" I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.**

Johnny: What's the number for a insane asylum?

**"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.**

Shania (Jesus): I got the crowbar!

**"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.**

Yuri: She's fine, everyone. Just go back to doing whatever the hell you guys do around here.

**"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.**

Alice: And making a baby face.

**"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!"**

Johnny: Sadako is going to pay a visit to these morons.

Yuri: Actually, she's doesn't care.

**"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though."**

Shania (Mary): And pay a visit to Doctor Evil to ask about my rash.

**"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went.**

Yuri: Emotions in this are the equal to…oh, say…hitting yourself on the head, and then waiting for the hurting to stop to do it again.

**AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!**

Alice: This is a test to see if a story can be nothing but stock footage.

**Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.**

Johnny: I guess Professor Sinister was out.

**"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. **

Shania: She learned all she needed to know in two seconds.

Alice: Ah, she is bi-name.

**She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. **

Yuri (Trevolry): You smell like old apples.

**She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. **

Alice: That means she is the worse teacher ever.

**She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. **

Johnny: A zombie then.

**(hr mom woz a vampire. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. **

Shania: And she speaks in Engrish.

**she n b'loody mry get along grate) **

Yuri: Zombie makes bed fellows.

Alice:…I'll allow it.

**She's really young for a teacher. **

Alice: She wasn't even born yet.

**2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. **

Johnny (Purple): She was wearing the same thing as I. I didn't mind, because she was favorite teacher.

**We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. **

Shania: All wearing Bronze Medals.

**I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it.**

Yuri: I could go for a Polish hot dog.

**"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?"**

Alice: Ebony the Second is here!

**"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. **

Johnny (Prep): You actually shop at Hot Topic?

**I gave them the middle finger. **

Shania: Which was then snapped in half.

**"Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"**

Yuri: Is she pregnant?

**"Ho about now?" she asked.**

**"OK." I said.**

**"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. **

Alice: Gee, that's actually nice.

Johnny: But it's wizard school. The homework is sent out to the students, regardless if they learned anything.

Shania: Damn.

**"Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3."**

Johnny: Good thing that there is only a problem per page.

Yuri: But I would like to learn how to exorcize this story.

**"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die.**

Shania: That 2? It's symbolic.

**Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.**

Yuri: 'Please try again later'…

**"What do you c?" she asked.**

Alice (Purple): A new dress! OMG.

**"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram."**

Johnny: On a dress.

**Suddenly there was a knock at the door. **

Shania: WATCHTOWERS!

**I looked at it. It was Draco. **

Yuri: He's a door now. Buy it?

**He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.**

Alice: All leather and black.

**"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister.**

**"Bye bitch." I said waving.**

Johnny: I think…that Raven is a imaginary friend.

Alice: Makes sense, given how Tara talks to her friends.

**I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited.**

Shania: Nobody…came…to her show.

Alice: SHANIA!

**AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111**

Yuri: Justin is the gofer boy.

**n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1**

Alice: So…she threatens to infect other computers over a comment?

Yuri: She is like a pop-up ad.

**raven fangz for de help!1**

Johnny (Tara): Thanks for the virus-sending program!

**I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. **

Shania: In the same room, same bed, same positions even!

**We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.**

Yuri: I mean, it was just a blob of black!

**"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.**

Alice: The story implies that they're 17, but they act like they're 12.

**"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. **

Johnny: She has to pick up her dry cleaning.

**He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. **

Shania: SPORK SPORK SPORK. Hehehe.

**He started to fly the car into a tree. **

Yuri: Hey! The story now makes sense.

**We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.**

Alice: And by on top, we mean crushed and mangled.

**"And all the things that you never ever told me **

Johnny: All the times you said you loved me.

**And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." **

Shania: All the cookies I never ate.

**sang Gerard's sexy voice. **

Yuri: You would think it's sexy after a SPORK full of heroin.

**We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. **

Alice: These two are secretly avant-garde designers.

**He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. **

Johnny: OH NO! THEY REMOVED THE CENSOR BAR!

Yuri: NNOOO!

Shania: It's a story! We can't see anything!

Yuri: It's my mind!

**I took of his black boxers. **

Shania: Thief!

**Then... he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.**

Yuri: Ahaha! He put his SPORK…

Alice: NO!

**"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. **

Alice: NO TO YOU TOO STORY!

**We stated frenching passively. Suddenly... I fell asleep. **

Johnny: It happens to everyone once.

**I started having a dream. **

Shania: NO! WE'RE NOT GOING THERE.

**In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.**

Yuri: She dreams of racism.

**"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.**

Alice: Have you ever moshed with a red demon under the black moon?

**"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.**

Johnny (Purple): Those Goths are actually preps!

**"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.**

Shania (Jesus): You need a changing?

**I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. **

Yuri: I didn't like Castlevania Judgement that much.

**I told Draco to call Vampire. **

Alice (Purple): He texted him instead. That prep.

**He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. **

Johnny: Those are rare. They cost $ 100 bucks on eBay.

**Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where... Lucian and Serious!111**

Shania (Purple): I care about them suddenly!


	17. My Immortal 5

_Remember, Purple is Ebony, (Due to a incident involving purple paint spray.) Mud is Vampire, (It was in use, as Ebony was using it before the incident.) and Jesus is Draco (Due to him coming back without cause.)_

* * *

"Huh?" Said Yuri.

"The door…" Johnny started to say, his voice full with dread. "…the door…won't open."

"Move, shorty." Yuri shoved him out of the way. "Let me show you…"

"The doors have no handles and are automatic." Shania said in a completely bored tone. "What are you going to? Kick the iron door with your foot? Pry the magnetic locked door apart? Pull out some dynamite out of nowhere and blow it down?"

"That's absurd." Yuri pouted. "Besides, dynamite is so last century. C4 is the way to go." As he spoke the last sentence, he started to set up a block of C4. The other three in the theater room slowly walked away from the door, as Yuri entered the code and set the timer to ten seconds. Thankfully, the theater room had plenty of chairs for the four to hide behind.

_10…_

Yuri turned around.

_9…_

Yuri started to move.

_8…_

Yuri started to pick up speed.

_7…_

Yuri jumped forward.

_6…_

Yuri went into a dive.

_5…_

Yuri landed next to Johnny.

_4…_

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!" Shania shouted to the writer.

_Okay._

_0!_

KA…

"Ka?" Yuri said. "What happened to my explosion?"

Everyone got up to see that the C4 had vanished. The door still remained closed, and with no sign of the explosive on it.

"We're stuck here…aren't we?" Asked Johnny.

"Yep." Shania said, getting back to her seat. "For either another part of the award-winning story or some random crap."

"Damn." Yuri said. "I wanted to blow up something."

"I can arrange for something for you." Alice comforted her.

**AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 **

Yuri: It's not just the preps that are flaming…

**if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! **

Alice: What if they're Catholic?

Shania: Woah! Hey! How come you…

Alice: Just this once.

**U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11**

Johnny: Nice to know that people also caught on.

Alice: Well, according to her, Goths and preps are different races…so…

**A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. **

Shania (Mud): Can I join you in the treehouse? I forgot the password!

**He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.**

Yuri (Purple): He wore the same thing last week. That prep!

**"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **

Alice: She has short-term bi-polar disorder.

**Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. **

Johnny: Saying the words 'Hi Vampire' put her into a state of deep depression.

**I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.**

Shania: She's telling them about her experience of her first visit to the Clock Tower stage.

Johnny: Which one?

Shania: Any one.

**"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. **

Yuri (Mud): I'm leaving this story!

**He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!"**

Alice: Chuck Testa?

Shania: That's not how the joke works!

Alice: This story doesn't deserve the proper method of the joke.

**"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."**

Johnny: Just like how Calvin goes off to tell his parents!

**We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.**

Shania: He just finished is 25th perfect game of FreeCell.

**"Sire are dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem."**

Yuri (Jesus): Meanwhile, my dog…who's red and black and likes to bite himself…is telling me to shoot the president!

**Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?"**

Alice: Dumbledore's super power? Common sense.

**I glared at Dumbledore.**

Johnny: …no comment, I already lost interest.

Shania: Meaning she looked sick at him.

**"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). **

Yuri: Huh? I lost track due to the negative grammar!

Johnny: Negative grammar?

Yuri: It means the grammar is so bad it changes the meaning of the sentence! The negative comes from the English teacher's score!

**"U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!"**

Alice: This part of the story is included in the famous text guide: '_How To Get Expelled In Under A Minute!_'

**"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?"**

Johnny (Dumbledore): Yeah, yeah, I'm scared. I'll humor you just so you can leave me alone.

**I fought about it. **

Shania: Meaning she talked through her fists and kicks.

Johnny: Truly the greatest language.

**Then all of a sudden... "Longdon." I said.**

Yuri: Longdon? Yeah, they got great cream pasties.

Alice: You can find it in Engjland.

Johnny: In the Unitqed Kingadom!

Shania: On Earyth!

**I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found.**

Alice: The THRILLING action of general business over the phone!

**Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. **

Johnny: I think they traded destinations.

**We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. **

Shania: And exploded!

**Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers...and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1**

Yuri: Professor Sinister! The Bad-Ass Teacher!

Alice: He finds the bad-guys, beat them up, and brings them on stretchers to you!

Johnny: He plays chess with Chthulu every week…and wins in four moves.

Shania: He won an Oscar…for a movie he made alone, including playing fourteen different characters.

**AN: u no wut!111 **

Alice (Tara): I think banging my head against the keyboard isn't good at all.

**I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 **

Johnny: Wow! It took her nearly thirty chapters to build a resistance!

**so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111**

Shania: When authors try to do what fictional characters do!

**Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. **

Yuri: No you didn't! It was Professor Sinister who did everything!

Johnny: A Mary Sue takes credit for anything. Like pointing at a falling airplane first and waiting for Superman to catch it.

**Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.**

Alice: I hope that's tranquilizers.

**"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. **

Johnny: Sinister left already? Man…

Alice: On the other hand, he's a musician…

**She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. **

Shania: The deranged daughter of Frank Sinatra!

Johnny: How can the boots be both platinum and black?

**"I have to tell you the fucking perdition."**

Yuri: The Armageddon is coming early?

Alice: It's the end of the world, all right…

Johnny: And I feel fine.

**I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. **

Alice: Lock them all up!

**They nodded.**

Johnny: Jail time for all!

**I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. **

Shania: Sinister is back! Yay…

**She started to look into a black crucible ball. **

Yuri: Like Castlevania, this story reminds us of better things.

Johnny: I say…I say…God is dead!

**She said... "Tara, I see drak times are near." **

Alice: It could be worse. It could be dark times.

**She said badly. **

Johnny: Not a good riff, but you're close.

**She peered into da balls. **

Shania: Inert balls, right?

Alice: That's dead.

**"You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had. **

Yuri: A plot coupon that was completely forgotten after the book it was introduced in!

Alice: It creates plot holes!

Johnny: It makes them deeper than ever before!

Shania: Guys, that was the Time-Turner! This is a Time-TONER! It adds color when you go back to the 1920's!

**"When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" **

Alice: Ah, so now we're in a fix-fic!

Shania: It's been that the entire time. This is how Tara wants the books to be like!

**I shook my head. **

Johnny: Like a bobblehead.

**"U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. **

Shania (Sinister): You must do the nasty in the pasty!

Alice: At least that made Fry useful to saving the entire universe.

**If he is still evil then you must kill him. **

Yuri: Colonel Campbell is going to be pissed when that happens.

**You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."**

Alice: Great! That gives Purple enough time to finish up her side-quests, buy the best equipment available, grind her levels, and form the perfect party!

**"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. **

Johnny: Is that German?

**I went outside again sadly.**

Shania: What? She cried rivers, had a black cloud over her head, and a violin played as she left the room?

**"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.**

Yuri: This story.

**"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?**

Alice: Great, even the story is losing track of the characters!

**I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. **

Johnny: I'm quite fond of them myself.

**Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. **

Shania: Proud of what? Come on, The Agent For H.A.R.M. did more than Purple!

**They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. **

Yuri: This scene is correct. They're interviewing the right hero and making fun of the girl who said some words and waited around.

**A banner was put up. **

Alice: As far as we know, it's a banner made by S.P.E.W.

**Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. **

Johnny: Well, it is a Finnish band.

**Even Mr. Noris looked happy. **

Shania (Mr. Noris): I finally got paid!

**A blak and red cake had been brought out. **

Hardman5509: Yum. Red Velvet cake…

Yuri: Hey! You're the author; stop trying to butt in!

Hardman5509: But I like Red Velvet cake…

**Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises.**

Alice: All of the sudden, this fanfic finally starts to act like the book it was based on.

**I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.**

Johnny: Can we at least stay at the party? It's much more interesting!

**AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111**

Shania: Apologizing doesn't pay the gas bill!

**GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! **

Yuri: How appropriate. She insults like a cow.

**fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111**

Alice: A kiwi is fun for about…oh, a minute?

**We went in2 a blak room. **

Johnny: They walked down a white floor.

**The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. **

Shania: I heard about this room!

Alice: Really?

Shania: Yeah. It got burned down when the three bands fell flat on their faces.

**A big black coffin was in the middle. **

Yuri: The final boss of Castlevania!

**Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. **

Alice: All in all, the perfect Halloween party furniture.

**I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath.**

Johnny: Ah. She's sexy.

Yuri: As a clown.

**I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.**

Shania: A game of Magic Chairs broke out!

**"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. **

Yuri: Make sure you water that hand or it'll dry up.

**He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it.**

Alice (Purple): So I win at the finger contest!

**"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. **

Johnny: Man, she's like a garden.

**I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is...I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time"**

Shania (Purple): I have to do one of _those_ fics.

**Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.**

Yuri (Jesus): She's leaving! We can finally be together my love!

**"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?"**

**"Of coarse not!" I gasped.**

**"Really?" he asked.**

**"Sure." I said.**

Alice (Purple): Sucker.

**We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly.**

Johnny (Mud): Get a room you two! Or rather…Jesus! A room for the two of us!

**Then... I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. **

Shania: Woah there! You got a friend in the room!

**He was hung lik a stallone. **

Yuri: Like in Italian Stallion.

Shania: You shouldn't know that!

**He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. **

Alice: Vampire is still here, folks. He's reaching for a knife…

**Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. **

Johnny: Who looked like Mud, Neville, Diablo…ah hell, every other teen male in this crapfest.

**Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).**

Shania: The repulsiveness ramps up!

**I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.**

Yuri: That's how it works!

**We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.**

Alice: Help me, Kirk!

**"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. **

Johnny: Well, at least Mud is submitting the video to 'When Dumb People Get In Bed'!

**Suddenly...**

**"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"**

Shania: Sex. It's how you and I were created.

**It was...Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111**

Yuri: Doing their jobs!

**AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111**

Alice: It just hasn't been the same since Season 2…

**"Oh my satan!1" we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. **

Johnny (Satan): DON'T TAKE MY NAME IN VAIN.

**Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.**

Shania: Finally, someone we like gets a gun and attempts to kill the main characters.

**"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. **

Yuri: Hey, a joke.

Alice: Ha.

Johnny: Hee.

Shania: Ho.

**We did guiltily. **

Alice: AGH NO!

**We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.**

Johnny: Snoop has a serious sweet-tooth issue that needs professional help.

**"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.**

Shania (Mud): That was my candy bar!

**"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. **

Yuri: He took the caramel, not the camera.

**"Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. So give back da camera!1111"**

Alice: You still have the camera! Look in your hands, you'res still holding it!

**Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.**

Johnny: Yeah! Mogic is a mystery!

**"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. **

Shania: …no comment.

**There were all these werid tools in it. **

Yuri: It's turning into Hostel!

**Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).**

Alice: Because explaining the joke is the best part of any joke.

**I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). **

Johnny: Raven probably also told Tara that anyone that doesn't shop at Hot Topic is a stuck-up snob.

Alice: What a monster she is.

**Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.**

Shania: And she honked into the honkerchief.

**And then... he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **

Yuri: Finally! Something remotely awesome!

Johnny: If they start to quote West Side Story, I will suddenly love this.

**They started to shoot each other angrily. **

Alice: Oh…wait! So they were shooting at each in the previous scenes!

Shania: That sadly means that this time…they're arguing.

**Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.**

Johnny: They shouldn't have bought a gun to a wand fight.

**"Crosio!" I shouted. **

Shania: The painter who did Refuge of the Sinners?

**Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. **

Yuri: They switched to tango.

**I STOPPED DA CURSE. **

Alice: She forgot the exclamation point. Therefore, all the impact is gone.

**Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. **

Johnny: Oh no…it's a retelling of Cupcakes!

Yuri: At least we can afford these characters.

**She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. **

Shania: Huh. She only agreed to be in this story for a couple of minutes.

**Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.**

Yuri: Good. Now, die. All of you. You all need to die for the greater good.

**"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake."**

Alice: Did we enter Tara's Metal Gear Solid story?

**Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111**

Johnny: This took place when flagging was still being used.

**AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 **

Shania: She's so lazy that she only holds the shift key for one keystroke!

**so FUL U!111**

Yuri: Free dinner, on you? Thanks.

**if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 **

Alice: I can live being called a prep by one lonely, lonely girl.

Yuri: Her fat, bubbly, hairy…

Alice: YURI!

**soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. **

Johnny: It only 'suxs' because you contribute to it.

**fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111**

Shania: Raven must enjoy watching her work in action.

**"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. **

Yuri: Bread or meat?

**He took out a kamera anvilly. **

Alice: So he pulled out a Mortal Kombat camera that can be used as a anvil?

**Then... he came tords Darko!1! **

Johnny: That one in the middle of exclamations points? Symbolic of what you want to do to this story.

**He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.**

Shania: He's about to do the greatest massage ever.

**"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. **

Yuri (Darko): I have no idea, but I saw this is in a movie once.

**Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!**

Alice: Ugh. At this point, all of my emotions have been dulled.

Yuri: Actually, everyone has a Dork Mark somewhere on their body in this story.

**He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.**

Johnny: Ah! So this is where Purple's knife collection started.

**"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1"**

Shania: Truly…the thankfully lost episode of the Epic Rap Battles.

**"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded.**

Yuri (Purple): It's a yellow light!

**But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. **

Alice: So he's Edward Cullen. Big whoop.

**He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard.**

Johnny: But mostly Gerard and Joel.

**But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.**

Shania: She's recapping things from other stories!

Alice: No, she's recapping this story.

Shania: Are you sure?

**Snipe laughed angrily. **

Yuri (Snipe): I don't exist!

**He started to prey to Volxemort. **

Alice: The Dumbest Game.

**He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. **

Johnny: But he didn't whip it good!

**Suddenly an idea I had. **

Shania (Purple): Speak like Yoda, I will.

**I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.**

Yuri: A True Mary Sue can create powers when they feel like it!

**"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted.**

Alice (Dumbledore): Not after that lame insult!

**"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. **

Johnny: I doubt that any law enforcement would be interested in you guys.

**Meanwhile I took out my wand.**

Shania (Purple): 'Cauz I removed the cuffs.

**"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. **

Yuri: He's channeling Doctor Smith from Lost in Space!

**He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him...**

Alice: Thank you for not going down that road. For once.

**"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. **

Johnny: That can be hard to do.

**Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. **

Shania: So the spell causes the target to see their worst nightmares?

Alice: Yeah. It showed this story.

**Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. **

Yuri: Allowing Snoop to recover and kill _HER!_

**I stopped doing crucio.**

Alice: Or Crosio. Your choice.

**"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came.**

Johnny: It's like a bad stage play. You know, all the characters just walking in at the right moment.

Yuri: We should cheer the entrance of our favorite characters, and boo when everyone else comes on.

**Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. **

Shania: Normally, I would scream if I ran into myself, but Snake/Snoop/Snape seems to be fine about it.

**But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go." **

Yuri: That was a great scene.

Alice: It won a prize.

Johnny: Really?

Shania: The Bizarro Pulitzer Prize.

**AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 **

Alice: Can't stop the music!

**stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111**

Johnny: I have no idea what's going on right now!

**fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111**

Shania (Tara): Thanks for helping me spread our ideas all over the world!

**"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." Serious said 2 Snape.**

Yuri: Man, this is serious.

Johnny: Yeah! I seriously want to burn this mother!

**"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed.**

Alice (Snap): Pain!

**"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. **

Johnny: If this turns into the truth serum from True Lies, I will take back everything I said about this story back.

**Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. **

Shania: Jack Bauer will call you out on this.

**Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. **

Yuri: Like how Tara managed to get this far.

**Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. **

Alice: A part of his plan to lure her into dropping her guard.

**Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. **

Johnny: And royally screw everything over!

Yuri: Maybe it will erase her.

**Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. **

Shania: Not on the walls. The floors.

**Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store.**

Yuri: Well. At this point, Tara decided that every character has two identities. A good, gothic side, and a evil preppy side.

**"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.**

Alice (Trevolry): Notabomb!

**"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. **

Johnny: Of course it is. It would just fit in during World War II!

**It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. **

Shania: Well, it will help with the seduce part…I guess we can't argue with that.

**I put it on. **

Yuri: Upside down.

**My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.**

Alice: She changed into the same outfit.

**"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said.**

**"Fangs." I said.**

Johnny: Gettit? Lololol….

**"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." **

Shania: I guess they didn't pay enough for the full program.

**She gave me a blak gun. **

Yuri: A blank gun would be useful for time travel.

**I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. **

Alice: Like the Mary-Sue in that movie.

**Then she gave me a black time-tuner. **

Johnny: Black sand? Crap, Sasori is back!

**"After an hour use da time torner to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.**

Shania: All these items serve one purpose. To remind us that this is a Harry Potter story.

**"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. Then... I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.**

Yuri: Meaning she fell in like a stoned, drunk hobo.

**Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. **

Alice: OH NO! WE'RE BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY!

Yuri: Draco is going to walk to up her and say…

Shania: Calm down! We're not there!

**In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. **

Johnny: Oh, so she went back to the medieval ages.

**He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. **

Shania: Given the time travel, that means Billie stole from this guy.

**He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was...Tom Bombodil!1111 **

Yuri: A mighty fine fellow!

Alice: Hey look…the C4 is back…

Johnny: How nice…

Shania: WAIT!

_BOOM!_


	18. My Immortal 6

"Hello, everyone to the Hunk of Junk" Said a guy who hasn't been seen on the Hunk, though he certainly had been heard before."I'm the author, Hardman5509 AKA Syl, and due to…" Syl scratched the back of his head. "…well, I like to say accident, but our stupid crew has been injured due to a explosion by a ghostly C4."

"Hehehe…" Johnny giggled. He and the other were cartoonishly wrapped in white bandages, and slings supported their entire bodies up. Without the nameplates on the front of the bed, you couldn't tell the difference between the bodies. Well, except for Johnny, his cowlick got bandaged as well.

"So, for a short while, I will be commentating." Syl smiled. "Being a big MSTie, I think I can handle a couple of chapters of this trainwreck."

"You could fix us up instantly with your powers…" Yuri added in a muffled voice.

"I can't understand you, Lesbian." Syl spoke, telling a VERY bad joke. "Off I go! Have fun glued to the bed!" Syl ran into the theater; sign not blaring.

"I would loathe him…" Shania said. "…but I would like to remain as myself, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah." Everyone else replied.

* * *

**AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111**

Syl: We need more wood.

**if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111**

Syl: But I like it as a farce, so what do I do?

**"Hi." I said flirtily. **

Syl: And looking quite green.

**"Im Enoby Way da new student." **

Syl (Tom): Yay! We get to beat you up!

**I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.**

Syl: Don't you mean Sharpie marker?

**"Da name's Tom." he said.**

Syl (Tom): I'm a rapper!

**"But u kan call me Satan. **

Syl: Actually, Satan is a misspelling, much like the entire story. It's supposed to say Stan.

**Datz ma middle nam"**

Syl: Oops. He can't be the right Tom, the anagram doesn't work.

**We shok hands. **

Syl: Tom dipped his hands in glue recently.

**"Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. I followed him. **

Syl: Up the stairs. We placed one foot up and then the next foot. We turned left at the corner.

**"Hey Satan...do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) I asked.**

Syl: You forgot Green Day.

**"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s)**

Syl: Despite that Voldermort went to school in the 50's.

**"omg me too!" I replied happily.**

**"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered.**

Syl: Let's do the time wrap again!...again!

**"hogsment?" I asked.**

**"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." he told me all sekrtivly. **

Syl (Stan): I know this!

**"and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"**

▒**topic!" I finshed, happy again.**

**He froned confusedly. **

Syl: He got the right reaction.

**"noo its called Hot Ishoo." He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned.**

Syl: Stan has a future in narration.

**"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted.**

Syl (Stan): No, we had a guy named Neil. Dumbledore became principal in 1995.

**"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'"**

Syl: When someone looks at their nails, it's time to make a hasty retreat.

**"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED.**

Syl: I LIKED IT SO MUCH I SLAMMED THE CAP LOCKS BUTTON!

**"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik) he asked.**

Syl: I hate this story! Geddit, 'cause I'm author writing a MST on it!

**"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili.**

Syl: Gah! The Cap Locks button is jammed! Everyone run!

**Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily.**

Syl: Using a chainsaw while riding a broomstick? AWESOME!

**"NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters.**

Syl: And you talk about Hot Topic. Think about it.

**"STUPID GOFFS!"**

Syl: I agree!

**satan rolled his eyes. **

Syl: Literally!

**"his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps."**

Syl (Stan): Just because he we kill people and break the rules! Stupid preps!

**I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord."**

Syl (Purple):You're literally going to bark up a storm!

**"wtf?" he asked angrily.**

Syl: That's an understatement.

**"oh nuffin." I said sweetly.**

Syl (Purple) Just a random statement. Like this one. Michael Bay is married to a bomb.

**then suddenlyn... the floor opened. **

Syl: You triggered my trap card!

**"OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. **

Syl: I'm about a sixth into this, and I already feel down.

**everyone looked At ME weirdly."**

Syl: So far, this story gets the right reactions.

**"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell.**

Syl (Stan): You're not falling down are you?

**I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. **

Syl: Wow! She literally fell into a plot hole! Hahaha…

**dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.**

Syl (Dumbledore): And I already hate you.

**"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik.**

Syl: And getting it right.

**sinister came in. **

Syl (Sinister): Who's ass is first in line?

**"hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?"**

Syl (Purple): Orgy. Whatcha going to do?

**:"um." I looked at her.**

Syl: Just kill her. You know you want to.

**"oh yeaH I forgot bout that."**

**"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok.**

Syl: So if I kill Purple, and claim I'm a 'goff', I could get off scot-free?

**professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum."**

Syl: It tastes like noses.

**she started to cry black tears of depression. **

Syl: But not bloody tears. Sorry.

**dumblydum didn't know about them.**

Syl: He knew better.

**"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear.**

**"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.**

Syl: Ouch. Apparently, sympathy is a sign of weakness.

**professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "omfg enoby...I think im addicted to Voldemortserum."**

Syl: To be continued next week. Tune into… 'My Immortal', the A&E story.

**AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112 **

Syl: Yeah! The drug introduced in the author's mind!

**AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok**

Syl: So you didn't write this?

**if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111**

Syl: She never learns, does she?

**ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 **

Syl: And trolls responded.

**U SUK!1111**

Syl: Why, thank you!

**fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1**

Syl: After thirty chapters, she finally decides to help her friend.

**"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. **

Syl (Purple): I found my pistol!

**"Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?"**

Syl: Don't take her to manga café! Take her to a hospital!

**"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. **

Syl: Incoming Fetch Quest!

**Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?"**

Syl: Surely old medical practice will help here!

**"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. **

Syl (Purple): I turned the knob, clockwise. It didn't open. What a knob. Geddit?

**Draco was there!111 **

Syl: He just arrived on set.

**He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas.**

Syl: Well yeah, it is Pajama Day.

**"Hey Sexxy." I said.**

Syl: Jesus, learn your lines next time!

**"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.**

Syl: You know. Drunk.

**"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.**

Syl: Though…

Yuri: We're better now. Beat it.

Syl: Hey…

Johnny: Now!

Syl: Okay, okay!

**"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously.**

Yuri: All the way!

**"Not 2 far, lol." I borked.**

Alice: I borked a bork once. Thank you!

Yuri…Oh.

**"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.**

Johnny: That's a stupid question, and you know it.

**"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. **

Shania (Purple): His hobby is collecting socks!

**Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.**

Yuri: You should get a doctor to see about those bullet wounds.

**"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled.**

Alice: …should we tell her the truth about the hunt?

Yuri: No.

**"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door...Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11**

Johnny: And that's it.

**Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife.**

Shania: Well, you first have to poke before you can stab them.

Alice: Watch as the Great Snap take a knife to the gut and not bleed!

**"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. **

Yuri: Even the story agrees that Purple is a sadistic monster?\!

**I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued.**

Alice: They also need an oil change!

**(ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz).**

Johnny: This is a story written by a American about a British school, and she doesn't even know the 8th amendment?

Alice: She probably complained about the numerous preps in the history books.

**We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. **

Shania: Thank you for dining at McSerious!

**We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111). **

Yuri: I've heard of it. It's a movie about a killer of vampires.

**I put on some blak platform high heelz. **

Alice: Good for impairing movement.

**Darko put on ****desolition liverz' by MCR.**

Johnny: And then were arrested for stealing music.

**Den...we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. **

Shania: Making the dress-up scene entirely pointless.

**I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. **

Yuri: …of beer, hiding his pale, bugly chest.

**We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. **

Alice: Then a monster comes out, and kills them!

Johnny: Yay!

Yuri: The end!

**He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.**

Johnny: They sure are quick, aren't they?

Alice: 'Cause preps are losers and take their time.

**"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation.**

Shania: This new Sex Ed class is really catching on!

**"I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. **

Yuri: Oops. The author nearly slipped up there.

Shania: How do you misspeak with text?

**AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111**

Alice: But we're not preps, so now what?

**hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 **

Johnny: Yes, we read the story. Have you?

**fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1**

Shania: We wouldn't tell you what kind of help!

**I wook up in da coffin de next day. **

Yuri: Instead of the barrel.

**Draco waz gone. **

Alice: But his clothes were still here.

**I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. **

Johnny: In short, she was going out on a 'stroll'.

Alice: That sounds about right.

**There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. **

Shania: Mr. Smith anyway.

**I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly... Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.**

Yuri: Huh. A guy waves his…thing against the door, and Purple started to hope for it?

Johnny: Yep!

**"Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor****s office."**

Alice: Busted.

**"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. **

Johnny: 'Cause she's goth…have we done that?

Alice: Yeah…but this story repeats things, so don't worry.

**I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.**

Shania: So the author is actually avoiding the boring and at least is doing something?

Alice: Aren't you glad?

**"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily.**

Yuri (Sorious): They paid their fines and left.

**"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol."**

**I laughed evilly.**

Alice: Ah, so we're supposed to hate them!

**"Where r Draco and Vampira?" I muttered.**

**"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize moaned sexily. **

Johnny: Because they killed all the preps and the gothic teachers gave them the day off.

**"Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas."**

Shania: The MOST gothic film of all time!

**We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. **

Yuri: Instead of the giant banana!

**She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one **

Alice: Yep, everyone in Hogwarts is a clone. That's established.

**Amy Lee wears in this pic**

Johnny: Link not here. You'll thank us.

**She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.**

Shania: A drug that tastes like chicken.

**She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.**

Yuri: Let's re-do the Stan scene again. We need to.

**"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!"**

Alice: Man, this feels like I'm playing a bad video game.

**And then...I jumped into the Prinsive again. **

Johnny: Slamming her head against the rim.

**Suddenly I looked around...I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. **

Shania: HAHAHAHA! It's still funny!

Johnny: I feel sorry for the poor kid who got his breakfast stolen.

**It was mourning. **

Yuri: Everyone was wearing black.

Alice: But for whom?

Johnny: Rowling.

**I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. **

Alice: Or Gerard Way. Your choice.

**I noticed...he was drinking a portent.**

Johnny: It's a sign of things to come!

**"Whose he!11" I asked.**

Shania (Stan): Guybrush Threepwood.

**"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." Satan said.**

Yuri: You need a good scrubbing in the mouth, boy!

**"He****s da Portents teacher...Ebony?"**

Alice: Isn't there already a class like that? Divination?

**"Yah?" I asked.**

**"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat."**

Johnny: I love the part in the Exercise when the big guy starts to lift horses.

**"Yah?"**

**"Well...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?" **

Shania: Yah?

Yuri: Yah?

Alice: Yah?

Johnny: No.

**AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! **

Yuri: Raven loses her top billing.

**fuk of prepz!11111111 **

Alice: Beware of Goth!

**fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 o**

Johnny: Yay! Our torment is almost over!

Yuri: We still have nine chapters. But still, yay!

**h yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.**

Shania: I'm sorry, can't you not mumble so much?

**I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped...Draco wuz there!111**

Yuri: Huh. Well, it speaks for itself.

**I grasped. **

Alice: Get a room you two!

**He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.**

Johnny: Even in the past, everyone dresses in the same style.

**"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.**

**"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 **

Shania: Oh boy. I think we know were this is going.

Johnny: Grandmother clause!

**He stil had two arms.**

Yuri: And two eyes

Alice: And two ears.

Johnny: And two legs.

Shania: And two noses. Wait…

**"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz."**

Alice: Joy buzzer!

**"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. **

Johnny: Purple, you can only have one boyfriend!

**They where siting in a corner kutting. **

Shania: …Little wooden toys for the little kids down the block.

**It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and...Snap! **

Yuri: He killed Crackle and Pop!

**All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. **

Alice: You can tell the difference between by the amount of eyeliner!

**"Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.**

Johnny: In case Mason doesn't show up.

**"ORLY." I ESKED.**

Shania: …wow.

Yuri: Fail.

Alice: Epic fail.

**"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. **

Yuri: Original the band!

**I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums" he said ponting to him. **

Alice: No, he's Spartacus. There, in the corner.

Yuri: Actually, Spartacus is in his room.

Shania: Spartacus is behind you.

**"Snap plays the boss. **

Johnny: Oh, that's why Snape hates Harry. His father made him the manager; he denied his talent!

**And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring."**

Shania: Despite at this time, the movie wasn't out…in JAPAN!

Johnny: Thank you!

**"Hey bastards." I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin.**

Yuri: You mean punched her right?

**Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.**

Alice (Lucian): You're right. Our band can't outplay a toddler with pots and pans.

**"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists."**

Johnny: Wow! You guys must really suck!

**"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped.**

Shania: I surprised she didn't say 'kawaii', or some other crap.

**"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said.**

Yuri: HEY!

Alice: THAT'S RACIST!

Johnny: BOO!

Shania: DIE, YOU HORRID PERSON!

**"Wel...I said Im in a bnad myself."**

Alice: About twenty chapters ago.

**"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111**

Johnny: Then he realized his mistake.

**"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?"**

Shania: After this commercial break.

**Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. **

Yuri: Out of their asses!

Alice: YURI!

Yuri: Okay. Out of their arses!

**They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.**

Alice: Actually, they're just gay.

**"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz."**

Johnny: I asked for dir-ections, and got pointed in the right direction!

**I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.**

YOU SUCK!

**"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.**

Shania (Lucian): We're desperate!

**"Um...ok." I shrugged. **

Yuri: Even she's surprised.

**"Are we gong to play tonight?"**

**"Yah." they said.**

Alice: Yah, I know. You mentioned it twice!

**"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. **

Johnny: Here's a hazard suit.

**I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. **

Shania: Gee. What a dilemma for the time traveler with a time travel device.

**Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. **

Yuri: You violated the law!

**It wuz...Morty Mcfli!1 **

Alice: Excuse me?

Yuri: The hero of Back To The Future has come here to help.

Alice: Please explain.

Yuri: I just did!

Alice: No. More.

**He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.**

Johnny: They got him! You bastards!

**"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked.**

Shania: Great question.

**"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly Den...he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and...sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 **

Yuri: And now for something completely different.

**AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 **

Alice: Ctrl+C, Crtl+V.

**I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111**

Johnny: Well, together…we're about ninety years old.

**ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 **

Shania: Potter says: Kids, when someone you like touches you…

NO!

Shania: Sorry!

**o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111**

Yuri: Have fun enjoying the real England!

**I loked around in a depresed way. **

Alice (Purple): All I see is preps.

**Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. **

Johnny: Explode!

**B"lody Mary, Socrates and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.**

Shania: All exploding.

**"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111"**

Yuri: Today, Purple Sue was committed to 's for insanity.

**"Yah I no." Serious said sadly.**

Alice: Glory days…

**"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.**

Johnny: Well, hey. She has a reason to insult her. She forgot the cure.

**Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I"m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too."**

Shania: But considering this was time travel, you made Voldermort even more angsty.

**"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) gasped B"lody Mary. **

Yuri: I don't care. Geddit, I'm brain-dead.

**"Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?"**

Alice (Mary): You want to spend a long scene doing nothing and making ourselves even more annoying?

**"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.**

Johnny: Suicide Club. Now a comedy!

**"I can"t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow.**

Shania (Willow): Like our leaves of the World Tree.

**"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also...sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly.**

Yuri: Then what's point of going back and finding a cure!

Johnny: Love potion for what? She can bewitch any male!

**"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let"s go.**

Alice (Willow): Our schedule changed.

**We went sexily to Potionz class. **

Johnny: You mean waddled.

**But Snap wasn"t there. Instead there was...Cornelio Fuck!11111**

Shania: A character from a bad internet parody flash?

**"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily.**

Yuri (Cornelio): Don't take my last name in vain!

**"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. "Now do ur work!111"**

Alice: Don't worry. It's only one page.

Yuri: It's ChoZo from Team Fortress 2!

**My friendz and I talked arngrily.**

Johnny: Groan, groan, groan!

**"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly.**

Shania: No, I didn't know.

**"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111"**

Yuri: UBER ME DOCTOR! I GOT NATASHCA!

**He stomped out angrily.**

Alice: And then he fell through the floor!

**Mi frendz and I began talking again. **

Johnny: Like nothing happened at all.

**I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. **

Shania: Oh no! She used Oliver Reed blood!

**Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard.**

Yuri (Hagrid): You know my secret hiding place!

**"WTF is he doing?" I asked. **

Alice: Again, a correct response.

**Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. **

Johnny: As sexy as a can of paint.

**Suddenly..."HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted.**

Shania (Hagrid): Doing my job.

**I looked around...Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 **

Yuri: Right in front of her! In her line of sight! Next to her!

**Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.**

Alice:…not going there.

**"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. **

Johnny: Coming from you!

**Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was...Amnesia Portion!111 **

Shania: That's sounds good right about now.

Alice: We should be nice, and share the potion with the entire world.

**AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. **

Yuri: Okay! A author's note that doesn't involve direct insults to smart people.

**fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 **

Alice: It degraded to a side note.

**raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11**

Johnny: Raven cheers!

**DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL**

Shania: A different character for once. I'm starting to like this chapter. A mince.

**Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.**

Yuri (Jesus): I'm sorry, but you have to take your medicine!

**"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. **

Alice: Now we get to hear the other characters stating the same things!

**"Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1"**

Johnny: Make him forget how to use the toilet and his former life to make him fall in love with you? Brilliant!

**"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," said Vampire. "Why would u need it?"**

Shania: Even a Mary Sue has her limits.

**"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby.**

**"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly.**

Yuri: That's a stupid question. OF course she's going to sleep with him!

**"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep.**

Alice: A correct statement.

**"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow.**

Johnny: A wrong statement.

**"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room."**

**Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room. **

Shania: Wrong room, guys. Trevolry's is next door.

**But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was.**

Yuri: Should we care?

Alice: At this point, the author doesn't care.

Johnny: We're lost in a sea of misery.

Shania: And stuck on a ship of fools.

**Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.**

Alice (Tom): I made them from Sinister's skin.

**I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ****666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.**

**"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. **

Johnny (Purple): It matches my seventy-two other outfits!

**I took da clothes in da bag.**

**"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.**

Shania: 'Out to lunch.'

**"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. **

Yuri: So the villains of Harry Potter got replaced with preps?

Johnny: Of course? What story have you been reading?

**Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.**

Alice: Is it a bad sign when Rumbridge is in character?

**"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11"**

Johnny: With guns.

**Suddenly Dumblydore came.**

**"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. **

Shania (Dumbledore): It's private property!

**Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 **

Yuri: Deus Ex Non.

**I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. **

Alice: …To die.

**Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was...Profesor Slutborn's efface! **

Johnny: It smells like crack and whiskey.

**I sneaked around.  
**

Shania (Purple): Nin nin nin…

**Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. **

Yuri: The past is very generous.

Johnny: She should save her game. A boss fight is coming up.

**It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. **

Alice: It burned her, right?

**Suddenly da door opened it wuz...Profesor Slutgorn!11**

Johnny: See? She should have saved. Now she has to go through a long cutscene if she dies!

**OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.**

Shania: The tension mounts! As in, whom will I beat up to relieve my tense body?

**"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket.**

Yuri: I said that? I meant, 'KILL HER!'

**"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn.**

Alice: Her Mary-Sue powers are kicking in!

**You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. **

Johnny: Did this turn into a Choose-Your-Adventure?

Yuri: I choose to stick my head into the oven.

Johnny: You find the key to a time machine in there.

Yuri: Darn.

**Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.**

Shania: But we will.

**"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"**

Yuri: In hell.

**"Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." **

Alice: Actually, I'm calling you He-man.

**Suddenly Satan came. **

Johnny: As mentioned before.

**He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.**

**"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan. **

Shania: And we will see you guys at final part! Good bye!


	19. My Immortal 7

_BIG chapter coming up. It's the finale of My Immortal! I did all fourty-four chapters, and I feel pretty proud of myself. Please, enjoy!_

* * *

"All right! GIVE ME FOURTY!"

"YES SIR!"

Our four heroes hit the ground and started to lift their bodies up and down, while the average-looking male with glasses in a coach outfit was shouting things at him. He turns around to look at you with a smile.

"Oh, Welcome to the Hunk of Junk!" Syl said. "It's the finale of My Immortal, just seven more chapters and we're done with this forever! I'm just here to get these guys ready for the final battle. Once the sign comes on, I'm gone. Theses boys and girls have come far from simply doing pointless short stories. Now, they're going to finish tackling the worst fanfic in the history of the world. So far."

"Don't harsh my mellow!" Johnny shouted, going into a one-handed push-ups.

"Hey, hey!" Syl held up his hands defensively. "You guys may think this maybe the last bad story you tackle, but you're just starting out! Remember, My Immortal is CONSIDERED to be the worst fanfic. I'm pretty sure Gilbert and Nicolai can find something far worse! I'm training you guys to stay alive in case they do!"

"Speaking of Ugly and Bastard, did you figure out what happened to them?" Asked Yuri, stopping for a second to ask it.

"As far as I know, they're captured by a evil being from a alternate dimension." Syl replied, completely serious. "But no matter! I feel that this loosely-connected storyline will come to end at the end of this chapter."

"Sounds cheap." Replied Yuri.

"They had vacation time anyway. It's for the better for the company in the end. Prevents complaints."

"What company?"

"Look, just think about My Immortal and focus!" Syl said before blowing his whistle.

_*****__WHEE__**P**__*WHEEP*WHEEP*_

"NO TIME! IT'S STORY SIGN!" Johnny shouted, as three trampled over Syl to get to the theater.

* * *

**AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? **

Yuri: Because you said it yourself?

**oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111**

Alice: She just got the quiz out of a People's Magazine.

**Satan and I walked 2 his car. **

Johnny: Ah, the walking to the car scenes. Much like the classic parking scenes.

**It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. **

Shania: In fact, it was the same car!

**I went in it seduktivly. **

Yuri: Smashing a tooth on the way in.

**Stan started 2 drive it. **

Alice: Sorry, I thought he was going to eat it!

Yuri: Hey! The story is using our nicknames! It's self-aware!

Alice: Aaahhh!

**We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), **

Johnny: I would yell at her for explaining the joke, but at this point, it's part of this story's charm.

**kuttting, musik and being goffik.**

Shania: They went off-topic! I wanted to hear about Satanism!

**"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. **

Yuri: Eew. It's like kissing a mirror!

Johnny: Not the drug weed. Just some weed they found in a garden.

Shania: Now everything makes sense!

**(koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)**

Alice: So what's happens if the guy is just gay?

Johnny: She'll make a unappealing face.

Yuri: Or write a forty chapter long story about the two mating like rabbits.

**"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." I said in a flirty voice. **

Johnny: Not that didn't stop you before!

Yuri: Or effected anything!

**"...Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?"**

Shania: We've reentered the sub-par plot.

**"Well..." he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod."**

Yuri: …well.

Alice: Thanks for wasting our time story. Again

Johnny: After a GREAT set-up, you give us an answer that wasn't that hard to find.

Shania: Purple is such a great friend…as in NOT bothering until now to find the cure and not getting the Volxwhatchacallit away from Whoever had the problem!

Yuri: Shania…

Shania: I doubt the author even passed kindergarten!

**Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. **

Alice: He did the legal thing.

Yuri (Purple): I thought he wuz going to run over thirty people and park the car inside. What a prep!

**Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. **

Johnny: Make up your mind! In or Out?

**In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. **

Shania: Oh, so they're watching one of the Scary Movies. Which one had Tony the Tiger killing the teens?

Alice: Given the story, I'm not surprised that Volderdork didn't try to kill Purple when she was doing it with whoever she was doing it with.

**Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists.**

Yuri: That, and anyone could tell that the blood was really velvet cake mix.

**While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. **

Alice (Purple): I'm going to mow his lawn!

**I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. **

Johnny: A fake accessory from a movie that wasn't out yet!

Yuri: By sexily, she actually means groping.

Alice: His back pocket, right?

Yuri: Yep.

**I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. **

Shania: What? No Author's Note telling to go kill ourselves because we didn't know who he or she was?

**Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. **

Yuri: Not noticing the liquid on the cigar.

Alice: No light or anything, he just started to smoke it.

Johnny: It's a electronic cigar then.

Shania: Good. He deserves to die by electrocution.

**Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.**

Alice: Because they were gothic! Hahaha..

**"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. "Enoby gess what?"**

Johnny (Stan): I'm out of the closet!

**I new that the amnesia had worked.**

Shania: Which is why he called you by name.

**"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." He said. **

Yuri (Stan): I know this because I looked it up on Wikipedia! Though it hasn't been invented yet.

Johnny: Despite magic being around for over a thousand years.

**"2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u."**

**"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly. **

Alice: She wants to be raped?

Shania: It IS the prequel to Twilight!

**And den... he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. **

Johnny: The audience started to boo. Both audiences.

**I tok of his shit. **

Shania: I wish I could the same for you.

**He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 **

Yuri: You can almost see Tara's drool.

**We frenched.**

Alice: Stuffed French bread into thier nostrils.

**"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.**

Johnny: No, you're the prep!

**"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly... I attaked her suking all her blood.**

Shania: Ladies and gentleman…OUR HERO! YAY!

Yuri: At this point, the last fan just gave up. He couldn't take it anymore.

Alice (Purple): Stop trying to hold me to the man!

Johnny: Well, at least the other characters have a reason to KILL HER!

**"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. **

Yuri: That, and Stan locked the doors before hand.

**Satan and I started to walk outside.**

Alice: Leaving a trail of blood, guts and bodies.

**"Zomg how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.**

**"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car.**

Johnny: I think she's worth than the sparkly ones.

Yuri: Yeah.

**"Siriusly?" he gasped.**

**"Yah siriusly." I said drinking sum beer. **

Shania (Purple): And don't call him Sirus. Geddit?

Alice: Don't go to her level.

**Satan started 2 drive da car. **

Yuri: Instead of humping it.

Alice: YURI!

Yuri: It's in character!

**I smelled happily.**

Alice: But she was frowning from the lack of sex going on.

**"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?"**

Johnny: You burned down the theater, you knob!

**"Yah." I said as we kised passively. **

Shania: How do you kiss passively?

Johnny: Let me show you…

Shania: Not now…

**Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. **

Yuri: In fact, they ran over Draco and Purple because they traveled to the same day!

Alice: Thus creating a time paradox!

Johnny: Without Purple, everyone returned to normal!

Shania: And thus the Goth-Prep Treaty of 2006 came forth!

**We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.**

Alice: Mason took one look into the audience and ran away.

**"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage. **

Johnny: Wouldn't Jesus be on the prep's side?

Alice: SSH!

**We did the devil fingers. **

Shania: We fingered the devil!

Alice/Johnny/Yuri: SHANIA!

Shania: Woah. I apologize.

**I started 2 dance really close to Satan. **

Yuri (Purple): But he kept moving away from me. I wonder why.

**He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. **

Alice: Or Draco.

Johnny: Or Vampire.

Shania: Or Navel.

**I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.**

Johnny: Mason took one long…

Alice: I just did that one!

Johnny: Sorry, my mind partially melted some time during that.

**"I wood like to peasant...XBlakXTearX!11" he said. **

Shania (Mason): And I shall make my escape! ZIP!

**I ran onstage. **

Yuri: Tripping over several wires, causing a electrical fire that destroyed the building, and causing a huge time paradox!

**Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. **

Alice: They farted in!

**They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.**

Johnny: She turned no-clip on!

**"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) **

Shania: If I ask you to leave, will you?

**My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. **

Yuri: You're three short.

**Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. "I'M NUT OKAY!1" I sang finaly. **

Alice: …don't say nut.

**Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.**

Johnny: You mean he started to play it right.

**"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?"**

**"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.**

**"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily.**

Shania (James): You played B note instead of C flat!

**"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"**

**"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious.**

**"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro.**

Yuri: You know. This is Purple's fault.

Johnny: Our jokes about time paradoxes has come full-circle.

**"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.**

Alice: Don't you mean 'ring'?

**"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.**

**And den...I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11**

Johnny: Can it be? The death of Purple?

Shania: WOOT!

Yuri: ABOUT DAMN TIME!

Alice: DIE AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!

**"No!111" yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.**

Shania: The end! Let's go!

Alice: …the door won't open.

Shania: Damn. She lived, didn't she?

Johnny: Or she failed to act as a meat shield.

**AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 **

Yuri: You get a life, you toad!

Alice: You're the one who writes this crap all the time and post it online!

Johnny: Got to hell! Our patience has ended!

**oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. **

Alice: She's finally getting a job. Impressive.

**fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111**

Johnny: She's running low on steam.

**I woke up in da Norse's offace on a special gothik coffin. **

Shania: Damn. She has the power to come back to life in the next chapter.

**Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. **

Yuri: For cleaning the floor.

**Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.**

Alice (Norris): They were raised in barns! All of them!

**"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.**

Johnny (Voldermort): Morning!

Yuri (Mud): Morning!

**"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded.**

**"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.**

Shania: It happened. He finally broke.

**"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked.**

**Sudenly... Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem.**

Yuri: They're showing the cast party, aren't they?

Alice: Or they're going to see off Purple to her doom.

Johnny: Or they're all came to together to kill the monster.

**Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.**

Alice: They were all going to propose to him.

**"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary.**

**"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" I gosped.**

Johnny: Yes! Oh, god, yes! You are dead!

**"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time."**

Shania: That, and the bullet hates you. Yes, even intimate objects hate you, Purple.

**"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!**

Yuri: And two legs.

Alice: And two ears.

Johnny: And two noses.

Shania: And two fingers.

**"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.**

**"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James.**

Alice: And Snap used to date Snap back then.

**"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer."**

**"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. **

Johnny (Lucian): Unlike me, I'm a complete poser!

**"He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. **

Shania: Her Mary-Sue powers are coming on full swing!

**I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.**

Yuri: GEE! I wonder WHY?

**"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.**

Alice: I bet he's dead again.

**"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry. **

Johnny: A movie about preps being killed by Tommy Wiseau. And Paris Hilton gets killed as well.

**"He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"**

**I got up suicidally. **

Shania: Go on ahead. We won't stop you.

**Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. **

Yuri: She's in the play about gun-control.

**Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u). **

Alice: Need a bed-mate, gov'ernor?

**I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.**

**"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow.**

**"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire.**

Johnny: I don't put 'goth' with giggles.

**"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" said Hermoine. **

Shania: Tara has finally given up.

**We opened da conmen room door sexily. **

Yuri: A sexy bomb!

**And den...I gasped... Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 **

Alice: Wow. What a twist. My nerves are shot. I want to cut myself.

Yuri: Alice!

**He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.**

Johnny: Actually, the chair was wearing his clothes…

**"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily.**

**"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.**

Shania: Fear his cap gun!

**"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's.**

Yuri: A scene that doesn't need us.

**"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1).**

Alice: Yes! Go, fictional girl I written into the story!

**I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.**

Johnny: She's going to say she cooked it and give it to him, but it's actually raw!

**"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.**

Shania: She must have cheated and entered the 99 Lives code.

**AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! **

Yuri: Oh, shut up.

**I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.**

Alice: Yeah, yeah…preps sucks, goth rules, I'm lazy, I have dreams about a fictional character…heard it!

**When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. **

Johnny: A white padded room!

**I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!11 **

Shania: Not clean at all.

**I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic? at da dizcko or mcr) **

Yuri: I would imagine, but my brain shut down about…fourty chapters ago.

**der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said '1980.'**

Alice: WRONG! OH SO…W…R…O…N…G!

**"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!11**

Johnny (Stan): Sorry, but we haven't invented the antidote for lead poison.

**"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally.**

**"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. **

Shania: Do you love him or not?

**"OMG am I dedd?" koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111**

Yuri: The story collapsed upon itself.

**I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. **

Alice: …thankfully, in this reality, Doctor Who has a machine gun for a arm.

**I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.**

Johnny: Or bash your head in. Really. Try it.

**"No ur not dead." Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. **

Shania: Doubling his chances for lung cancer!

**"Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. **

Yuri: WOW! Actual, correct information!

Alice: It's a turning point!

Johnny: Can it be?

Shania: No, we're actually dead, and this is our dying dream.

**Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing."**

**I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. **

Alice: That, and the bullet was a rubber bullet, you big baby.

**"WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew.**

Johnny: It's not like she went back in time to change it!

**"Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly.**

Shania: Don't we all?

**"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. **

Yuri: Unless you screw up again.

**I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. **

Alice: You mean like a drunk.

**Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. **

Johnny: Oh god…WE'RE STARTING OVER!

Shania: WE REALLY ARE!

Yuri: IT'S A TIME LOOP! SHE'S GOING TO RUN INTO HERSELF!

Alice: _We're not that lucky_.

**He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically.**

Shania: No, no, no…_HHHIII. *__Snort_*

**"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.**

**"Dis is...Hedwig!11" Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.**

Yuri: …so. We're going into anthro territory.

Shania: Of course, we have to accept Tara knows anything.

**"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.**

Alice (Purple): I want to ruffle your feathers.

**"Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. **

Johnny: He is the hair of the magical creature!

**He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!)**

Shania: How about…NNNNNNNNOOOOO!

**"Bye." I sed all sexily.**

Yuri: You know the drill. Replace sexily with a more appropriate term!

**"Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.**

Alice: Great. We're now starting over with different characters in the same scenarios!

**"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!).**

Johnny: I'm sorry, don't type with marshmallows on your fingers!

**"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!1" I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys."**

Shania: We're off to see the wizard…

**Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.**

Yuri: That and they used to date.

Johnny: Well duh.

**"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1"**

Alice: They hadn't been born yet!

Johnny: Or even decided to change their names yet.

Shania: They haven't been even been thought of yet!

**"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.**

Johnny: Can I see the flowchart?

**"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. **

Shania: Trying enacting your plan first.

**Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire's dad wood never die and **

Yuri: …she would die instead.

Alice: …she would vanish from existence.

Johnny: …create a time paradox to prevent Harry's adventures and discoveries.

Shania: …open a McDonalds.

**"OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod.**

Alice: Remember how she tried to kill Loopin and Snap when they were peeping on her?

Yuri: You're forgetting that Mary-Sues have double standards.

**"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. **

Johnny: Is this the bottom of the barrel, or have we gone through the bottom already?

Yuri: Actually, we just reached China.

**Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.**

Shania: You're forgetting Samaro, Serious, Snake, Lucian…oh, let's just say everyone male is bi.

**"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's.**

Yuri: I prefer the Desert Eagle.

Alice: I know.

Yuri: ALICE!

**But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame...Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!111111111111**

Alice: They came to return logic!

**AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. **

Johnny: And her hopes are dashed when she discovers that no one is bi in the new book.

**I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 **

Shania: Sounds like a Mass Effect 3 ending.

Alice: Wow.

**nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 **

Yuri: Woah! She got it right!

Alice: Harry did commit suicide…he let Voldermort kill him!

Johnny: That's implying she read the books to begin with.

Shania: Or she broke into Rowling's castle and looked at the manuscript.

**omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it?**

Alice: Leaving Ginny and Astoria to marry each other.

**If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 **

Johnny: Dumbeldore is gay. Does that count?

**fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111**

Shania: The wrong facts, anyway.

**I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. **

Yuri: The chairs were actually electric.

**Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. **

Alice (Dumbledore): Do you realize how much damage to the canon you caused?

**He looked more young den he did in da future. **

Johnny: Okay. That confirms that he isn't Benjamin Button?.

**He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.**

Shania: Meaning that Purple had the song already.

Johnny: PWN'D!

**"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. **

Yuri (Dumbledore): What is this 'musick'?

**I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time.**

Alice (Dumbledore): You're from another time!

**"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said.**

**"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly.**

Johnny: Bestiality is a crime punishable by jail time. Just saying.

**"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." **

Shania: Just do it and end the story!

**He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. **

Yuri: I knew it! Purple is a prep whom lost her memory and became a goth!

Alice: Only she regained her memory and decided to remain as a goth.

Johnny: She's secretly a traitor to all sides!

Shania: She's a traitor to everything.

**Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece.**

Alice: He preferred Cheeching.

**"You fucking poser." I muttoned.**

Johnny: Coming from you, you boneless carrion!

**"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. **

Shania: Guitar Center?

Yuri: Gurkha Contingent?

Alice: Guanine-Cytosine?

Johnny: George Cross?

**Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!11**

Yuri: CONVIENCE! JUST ADD WATER!

**"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.**

**"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.**

**"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom.**

Alice: Shut up John Boy!

**"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously.**

Johnny: So have we. Kill them.

**Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was...Satan.**

Shania: I'm sure that one more paradox won't hurt the timeline that much.

**"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.**

Yuri: Is the narrative agreeing with us?

Johnny: Yes. A part of Tara's brain is trying to stop the insanity.

**I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. **

Alice: The DTs are kicking in.

**I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.**

Johnny: So time travel here is the opposite of the Terminator? You get a change of clothes?

Alice: Either that, or this time travel is more on par with Silent Hill's otherworld.

**"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice.**

Shania: It's the Slytherin Common Room, you dolt.

**"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him.**

Yuri: Great, now she's doing his shtick.

**"Kool what's an ipatch?" he whimpered.**

**"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked.**

Alice: No, it fixes the security settings on a iPod.

**"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice.**

**"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.**

Johnny: That is the wrong answer. The following words are correct:

Shania: Mire.

Yuri: Muck.

Alice: Soil.

**"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled.**

Shania: Dumb minds think alike.

**Suddenly some of my friends walked in.**

Yuri: Enter Stage Left!

**"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.**

Alice (Purple): I'm a Mary-Sue. That's all.

**"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. **

Johnny: She waved 'hi' with her middle finger.

**She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.**

Shania: The Golden Girls with Goths!

**"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. **

Yuri: He regained some control of his former self.

**He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.**

**"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.**

Alice: The room is having a blackout with the lights still on.

**"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.**

**Suddenly Satan started to cry.**

Johnny: Like a normal person would after being displaced in time.

**"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.**

**"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked.**

Shania: He's fine. Still as shallow as ever.

**"No I still like you." I said sexily to him.**

**"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. **

Yuri: Like finding the rest of her harem.

**I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. **

Alice: Diabolo! No more sleeping potion!

**I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 **

Johnny: The world is literally a stage, and all the people are horrible actors.

**She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.**

Alice (Tara): I mean, she was made of eye liner!

**"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly.**

Johnny: Our plot has fallen into a hole.

**"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly.**

Shania: I bet the real life Britney is probably the perfect woman.

Alice: Could cook various European foods…

Shania: Plays for her state soccer team…

Alice: Married a good man…

Syl: Isn't white…

Yuri: Piss off.

Syl: Fine.

**"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.**

Yuri: Lay off with the insults! She's the best character in this damn travesty!

**"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly.**

Alice: Order is being restored? Don't worry, Purple will stop that.

**"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?"**

**"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said.**

**"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. **

Johnny: Not really. The first two times ended quite well.

**Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" wiv dat I ran out.**

**"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried.**

Shania: Her powers are going into overdrive!

Alice: She's going Super Sue!

**I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. **

Yuri: Rightfully so.

**There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. **

Alice: Because she was in it.

**On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. **

Johnny: She finally discovered the perfect chocolate cake recipe.

**She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.**

Shania: Said the woman who bought her wear at a sex store!

**"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.**

**"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed.**

Yuri: Good idea.

Alice: You're correct!

Johnny: You win!

Shania: A winner is you!

**"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.**

Alice: Our hero. Laughs as she stoops lower than the villains.

**"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly.**

Johnny: That's it, I'm going in!

Yuri: I wish we could.

Johnny: Damn.

**I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. **

Shania: The storythreads are coming together.

**I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" I yielded.**

Yuri: Gender-blender. Sure, why not?

**We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. **

Alice: The gothic android's makeup. Exclusively at HotApple.

**His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1)"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.**

Johnny (Mud/Vampire): I thought I would have to think again!

**"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me."**

Shania: 1980, huh? Bite me.

Yuri: That's mine.

Shania: I don't care.

**"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously.**

**"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.**

Yuri: You betrayed everyone.

**"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY.**

Alice: ME THINK THAT CAP LOCKS ARE GOOD WRITING.

**"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.**

Johnny: The miasma of Tara is finally wearing away. Things are finally returning to normal.

**"OK." I argreed. Suddenly...all da lights in da room went out. And den...da Dork Mark appeared.**

Shania: What, no note telling the joke?

Alice: I think she thought it was so clever, she didn't think it was needed to explain it.

**"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.**

**"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."**

Yuri: Good plan. Increases your chances of dying alone and scarred.

**"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.**

Alice: She didn't save, heal herself, stock up on items, or even equip the best weapon. Good move.

**AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. **

Johnny: Two will do. Don't bother on our account.

**Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 if u flam den fukk u!111**

Shania: Just one more message like that and we're _done_.

**I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there! **

Yuri: Cue the overblown choir and the orchestra for the final boss theme.

**He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. **

Alice: Make up your mind. It's the end.

**He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.**

**"Draco are you okay?" I asked.**

Johnny: You're not dead, are you?

**"I'm not okay." he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. **

Shania: Mmm…what'cha say-ay….

**I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.**

Yuri: Just like in a videogame, his wounds heal, and the bloodstains fade.

**"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" I asked teardully.**

**"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! They didn't see us.**

Alice: They didn't care.

**"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." said Loopin.**

**"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" Mr. Norris argreed.**

Johnny (Norris): Now why did I get a job at school?

**"Pop addelum!111" I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.**

**"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.**

Shania: Hey, Johnny. Logos Brokos!

Johnny: My spleen!

**"You fukking perv." I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. **

Yuri: I think most people don't describe the hero of the story as evil.

Johnny: I mean, there are stories like that…but can we really call Purple a character?

**"Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I'm gong 2 torture u!"**

**"I don't now where he is!1111" said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn't know who Satan was really.**

Alice: It's really turning into a soap opera. This is the series finale, so all the characters run in, and die.

**"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.**

Johnny: Say what you will…Attack of Clones…is better than this.

**I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then... I began frenching Draco sexily. **

Shania: No man can withstand the smell of caramel.

Johnny: I know!

**Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. **

Yuri: His pasty, mayonnaise and wonder bread pack.

**Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. **

Syl: Sorry…

Yuri: Go ahead. Just this once.

Syl: This reminds me of the end of the Yakuza game series. Two powerful men, one of them Kazuma Kiryu, take off their shirts at the Millenium Tower and duke it out. And this is like that.

Johnny: Yeah?

Syl: Yeah. Yakuza is really good. This is really bad.

**We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. **

Alice: Please, holy story, kill her.

**"Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly...**

Johnny: GOD STRUCK YOU DOWN.

**...a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11**

Shania: Run them over! Run them all over!

**AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 **

Yuri: But it needs glam!

**if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 **

Alice: And you should feel very stupid.

**omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 **

Johnny: This friend…really doesn't know what he or she is doing.

Yuri: SHE HAS FRIENDS?

**omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.**

Shania: It is the last chapter! YAY!

**"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. **

Yuri: Or it could be Satan's car. Same license plate.

**But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz...Snape!**

Alice: As previously implied, it was Snape driving the car.

**"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." **

Johnny (Snape): Ram your body into them!

**he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us. **

Shania: The air doesn't…

Alice: SHANIA!

**"Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!"**

Yuri: Good plan.

Alice: Go on.

Johnny: Be our guest.

Shania: What are you waiting for?

**"You fucking prep!" yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!"**

Alice: Get it! It's deep!

**We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. **

Johnny: Because he needed to die first.

**We were so scarred!1 But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into... Voldemont!111**

Shania: Don't you just hate team autobalance?

Johnny: Not that it doesn't work here.

Shania: Yeah.

**"I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!" Thunder came in da room.**

Yuri: There goes the budget.

**"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.**

Alice: Great! Now they can all die!

**"What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) **

Johnny: That's correct. Now shut up.

**He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. **

Shania: NO!

**Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.**

Yuri: Hitting his head on the roof, yeah.

**"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)**

Alice: It doesn't work because you're not Slugborn, you little dumbass!

Yuri: Alice!

Alice: I'm sick of this!

**"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly.**

Johnny: It's not trying any more.

**"You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.**

**"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. **

Shania: FAIL!

**It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.**

**"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with**

Yuri: WHICH YOU RECORDED YOURSELF!

**"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." He laughed meanly.**

Alice: THEY'RE ALREADY LIKE THAT!

**"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11"**

**"Whats she talking abott?" Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.**

Johnny: YOU DEAF?

**"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily.**

**"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin roared.**

**"Foolish ignoramuses!" yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. "Thou shall all dye soon."**

Shania: JUST DO IT! KILL THEM!

**"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one.**

**"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly.**

Yuri: MEXIAN STANDOFF, YOU DOORKNOB!

**"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111"**

Alice: STOP SAYING THAT AND DO IT!

**He maid lighting come all over da place.**

**"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.**

Johnny: SAVE YOURSELF, THE ONE WIZARD THAT VOLDERMORT FEARS!

**I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.**

**"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted.**

Shania: SHARK ATTACK 3 IS MUCH OF A COMEDY MOVIE…hey.

Yuri: It's over? It ends like that?

Alice: Yeah…I remember it cuts off here.

Johnny: We're done. Hehehehe…WE'RE DONE!

Shania: LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

* * *

"Thank god that's over!" Yuri shouted, after draping a wet towel on his head and taking a sip from a water bottle. "Hoo boy…that last part might have been worse than that story about Lenny and his ball."

"I don't think we can sink lower than that." Johnny said in a quiet voice. "That's a good thing, right?"

"Yeah." Wheezed out Yuri.

_WHEEP WHEEP WHEEP_

"Now what?" Asked Johnny. "Oh let me guess…the actual Tara Gilesbie is actually the evil force that captured Nicolai and Gilbert and now she's going to try to capture us and turn us into 'goths'. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?"

"Actually, no." Replied Alice, who she and Shania had ran in holding some papers.

"So what's the problem?" Asked Yuri.

"Tara Gilesbie has captured Nicolai and Gilbert, and now is trying to kill us for making fun of her story." Alice read off one of the papers.

"Makes sense." Johnny nonchalantly said.

"She should be contacting us…now." Shania pointed a finger to the descending screen. The screen fizzled for a couple of seconds, before showing…well, Ebony wearing whatever clothes she was wearing. I couldn't care less. After writing all that, my mind is fallen into a dark void.

"U preppy fags!" She said, in a perfect voice. "Huw dare u make fume of mi stroy! Its better thun yoru story!"

"I think she's talking about me." Said Syl, who reappeared with a can of root beer.

"Yut, you!" She said, while perfectly pushing back a strand of perfect hair. "Hurts of da Kingdumb', 'Grindline Luv', 'Luw Ut First Sught', 'ThAnk you', and 'Tales From Anuther The World'!"

"Those?" Syl sipped some good A&W. "I disowned them. Those were WAY back in the day when I was insane, and did some pretty damning stuff. Heck, even the first few chapters of this story are not that good."

"Shut ap!"

"Hey, I just admitted to me sucking the big one! I have no shame!" Syl threw the can. It hit Ebony.

_KABOOM_

"You just blew up a spaceship with a empty aluminum can." Shania said, a mixture of both confusion and amazement in her voice.

"I tapped into a little bit of my powers for a single second to remove something annoying." Syl sounded like a bad actor; little volume and little emotion. "I'm going to leave now, and restore things back to normal." He vanished.

"Well…" Johnny blinked.

"Okay." Alice just said.

"We're back!" The screen shot down again, and this time both Nicolai and Gilbert were on screen. For once, Nicolai looked interested in what was going on. Gilbert was the one who spoke, and he continued. "Now, back to My Immortal…"

"Too late." Johnny said. "We just finished it."

"Really?" Nicolai smiled. "Oh. Gee. We missed out on watching you suffer."

"Oh well." Gilbert shrugged. "Let's start again!"

"WE GOT THE STORY SIGN! AGAIN!"

* * *

_Argh._

_This was a pain to write. Like with Forest Passion, as the characters were breaking down, so was I. It turned into a large clustercrap near the end. I lost track of who the characters were, where are we, what time, and why the flying hell I should care. _

_I'm taking a break from writing this. Don't worry, just a small vacation to recover from this. I got other things to write._

_Spend the word! Surely my ticket to fame and fortune is using MST3K tactics on My Immortal! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA_

_Ow. _


	20. Kingdom Hearts High At War

**LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.**

**WE'RE BACK!**

_In the not-too-distant past -_  
_Last Sunday A.D. -_  
_There was a guy named Yuri,_  
_Way too different from you or me._  
_He fought to save world many times,_  
_Alongside with his girlfriend Alice._  
_He did a good job fixing up the place,_  
_But his enemies didn't like him_  
_So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How can we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Hello!" Yuri shouted. "Welcome back to the Hunk of Junk, after a nearly a year, we're back!"

"We just barely survived the second run of My Immortal." Alice chipped on. "The one saving grace we got was that we could sleep through the story. Nick and Gilly were too busy reclaiming their ship from the menance of Tara to monitor us. We got some good sleep in."

"Save for me!" Shania shouted from another room. "Johnny snored."

"I said I was sorry!" Johnny replied.

"Anyway, Tara left a mess, so we got some time to ourselves." Yuri continued. "We played board games, computer games, console games, and imaginary games. We also worked on other projects...save for the escape pod, we don't have enough graham crackers. But still, we're ready to tackle whatever those two are going to throw at us!"

"In fact, one of the projects we finished was the story predictor!" Johnny came in, showing a cash register with a long electronic bar. "We can now predict what sort of horrible mess of writing is coming to our humble abode and prepare accordingly." Johnny clicked some buttons and the bar went alive with red light as it started to calculate. "Of course, having handled the worst story in the world kinda defeats the purpose."

"Especially as I'm just going to tell you." Nicolai said over the monitor. "It's a Kingdom Hearts story set in high school and involving a Mary Sue called Kingdom Hearts High At War. It was supposed to go on longer, but the author just gave up, being crushed under her own ego." He cleared his throat. "This is an easy one, not even compared to My Immortal. A little training for bigger stuff."

The predictor rang, showing the title.

"You're a big help." Yuri said without any emotion.

*_Wheep* *Wheep* *Wheep* _

"MOVIE SIGN!"

* * *

**The First Day at War**

Yuri: First day back for us anyway.

**The twin's were trying to get to school but the fan girls had every door blocked. **

Alice: And they cut the phone lines!

Shania: And then they called in a airstrike!

**When their friend showed up in his black Camero. **

Johnny: Good plan! He can ran over the fan girls!

**He walked out and his sliver hair like diamond's on the sunny day. **

Shania: So all he has is a single strand of white hair?

Alice: But it's shiny!

**With a *beep-beep* his car locked, **

Yuri: Wow! He's so cool, he can make noises and things happen!

Alice: He pops popcorn by saying 'pop, pop!'

Johnny: He says 'bang' and the evildoers fall down!

Shania: SFX-Man! Coming to a theater…Syl time!

**and as he walked up to the school he heard screaming and the ground started to rumble he looked up and he saw fan girls charging for him. **

Alice: And sadly, fifty-two girls were trampled that day. Blood rained down the stairs like a river.

Yuri: Wow…

**He smirked and stood there as they asked the for his number and to go out on a date and so on**

Johnny: And then he was naked!

**He saw the twin's heading to the school and just shrugged ****_'I'll get them back.' _**

Shania (Riku): I'll cut off all their hair, and leave a single hair! We all be equals!

**He thought. As the brother's walked in the school they headed for homeroom. "I can't believe it, we're in high school!" Roxas said with a jump. **

Yuri (Roxas): Oh wait, I'm in hell.

**"Yea! Today my brother, we are men!" Sora put his arm around his brother's shoulder. **

Alice: Men with girlish haircuts, but men!

***BRRRINNNNGGGGGG!* **

Johnny: A story with a focus on sound effects.

**Riku, Sora and Roxas all sat down in their homeroom. **

Shania: They don't need chairs! They got the room!

Johnny: Woo!

**Kairi and her sister Namine entered the room, with their friend Xion. **

Yuri: Sora-Kairi, Roxas-Namine, Riku-Xion. There, done.

**"Okay class has begun, I hoped you all had a nice weekend." Said their teacher . **

Alice: We did, Mr. No-Name.

Shania: So summer vacation is just a weekend?

Johnny: California.

Shania: Ah.

**The class was silent when took roll. **

Johnny: They mouthed 'here'.

**There was a knock on the class room door. walked over and the class started talking, mostly the fan girls. **

Shania: We can't stop here! This is fan girl country!

**"So Sora what did you do this weekend?" One girl asked batting her eyelashes. **

Yuri: She struck out.

Johnny: Boo!

**"Hey Roxas are you single?" Another asked. **

Alice: Single cell, yes.

**But none of the boys in the class were listen they were looking at the new student. **

Johnny: Big deal. The new hamster held their attention longer.

**She had on blue jeans, a dark purple jacket, a black V-neck with purple hearts and blue shoes. **

Shania: She stole Ryan Stiles' shoes!

**Her hair was long and silky, up in a pony tail and stopped at her shoulder's. **

Yuri: Her hair had placed a restraining order on her waist.

**Her eye's were a deep-sea blue/green. Her eyelashes long but no make-up it was all natural her flawless face, eyebrows were fabulous. **

Alice: Don't you mean FAB-UL-OUS?

Shania: Fake flawless face!

**"Class this is our new student, Ginney." Ginney smiled and said "Hi, everyone." **

Johnny: _Snnooorrtt._

**Her voice was like an angle's. **

Shania: A ninety-degree angle anyway.

**"Hi" The class replied. "Let's see, it seems you have the same classes has Sora. **

Yuri: NOT CONTRIVED AT ALL, HUH?

**Sora can you please raise your hand?" asked. Sora raised his hand. **

Alice: Sora had been tricked into revealing himself in the crowd. The sniper aimed for the head…

**"That's Sora you can sit next to him, Sora can you please show Ginney to her classes?" "Yes, ." **

Johnny: Good thing, or she would wander off in a random direction.

**Ginney walked over to the desk next to Sora's and sat down. **

Shania: Perfect time to pull the chair out. I know you want to!

**Sora stared at Ginney, she moved a round in her seat "Can you please stop staring at me?" Ginney whispered. **

Yuri: What's this? Something different with a Mary-Sue story?

Alice: Considering that the story forgot some words in certain parts, I think 'seductively' came before whispered.

Yuri: Dashed my hopes yet again.

**"Sorry you are just so, pretty. I mean- you seem wonderful." Sora was blushing like mad. **

Alice: Puberty kicked in!

**Ginney was starting to wonder if she was at the right school. **

Johnny: Yes you are. Sora is crushing on you.

**"Hey I'm Roxas, and this is Riku , Axel, Kairi, Demyx and Zexion." They all waved to her. **

Shania: Don't forget Yuri…

Yuri: Alice…

Alice: Johnny…

Johnny: and Shania.

Syl: And Lucia as hula dancer.

Alice: Go away, Syl!

**She nodded. Kairi had a evil look in her eyes after Sora said that Ginney was pretty. **

Yuri: This story is going to end with her dead somehow.

**"I'm Sora's twin." Roxas said beaming **

Alice: Turn off the highbeams!

***BBBBBRRRRRIIIIIINNNGGGGG* **

Johnny: Break it up you teens!

**Sora took Ginney hand and to first period. **

Shania: Her first period!

Alice: SHANIA!

**"Um, locker, books, backpack? DUDE! I need my stuff for class!" **

Yuri: Dude, where's my locker?

**Ginney was trying to break free of Sora's grip, but it was a fail. **

Alice: This is getting a bit creepy…

**Sora finally stopped at the exit doors. "Dude what are you doing? We are going to be late-" Sora put her hand over her mouth. **

Johnny: Okay, we jumped off the slippery slope!

**"Have you ever heard of me?" Ginney looked at him with confused eyes. **

Shania: Have you ever danced with the devil under the pale moon light?

**"NUFF NUFF, Sore van fit um band doff?" Sora removed his hand. **

Yuri: She trying to reference a Youtube Poop meme?

**"Thank you. No, I've never heard of you or your friends since homeroom." Sora nodded and they headed off to first period. **

Alice: Thanks for the near-rape scene. Much needed to move the plot forward.

**Sora and Roxas did some note passing:**

**S-Do u have a thing 4 Ginney?**

**-R**

**R-**

**NO I JUST THINK SHE'S CUTE**

Johnny: I HATE HER BUT I LOVE HER.

**-S**

**S-*Roll's eye's* Yea and my name is Billy Bob, Kairi is pretty ticked after watt u said 2 Ginney**

**-R**

**R-Y? She suldnt hav a prob w/me tinkin a girl is cute**

**-S**

**S-well she did… class is bout 2 end…c u in 3rd**

**-R**

Shania: This scene is so wrong. Why pass notes when you got cell phones?

**Sora nodded and got ready to leave for his next class. "Hey Ginney, for our next class is reading 'K?" **

Alice: Reading, the hardest class in the entire school!

**Ginney did a thumbs up and got ready for her next class. **

Johnny: She grabbed a dictionary and a pillow.

**Sitting next to her was Zexion. "So you have reading next period? I love to read do you?" Ginney was smiling **

Shania: Oh yeah, impress her with a good book!

**"Reading was the first thing I learned." **

Yuri: And the last thing.

**Zexion and Ginney got warped into a conversation about what books they've read so when the bell rang they both jumped grabbed their stuff and headed out the door. **

Alice: Considering Zexion's powers, warped might be literally.

Yuri: And the Mary-Sue began to work her magic on the people of the school, making the boys love her and the girls to give her their boyfriends.

**Sora was waiting out the door for Ginney when he was going to ask her if she needed help carrying her books Kairi came and was in between Sora and Ginney. **

Johnny: This scene shall establish the villain.

**"Sora you didn't talk to me during homeroom." Kairi said making a pout face. "**

Shania (Kairi): I got lost!

**Um I was talking to Ginney." Kairi was really close to Sora and he was hoping she would let go. **

Yuri: She forgot to bathe.

**Kairi turned around and said "Listen, He's mine and if you don't back off I'm going to get ugly." **

Alice: We have a villain!

Shania: Now Ginney is free to murder Kairi and date Sora!

**Kairi was turning around when Ginney said it loud and clear "Wow Kairi I've must've not have backed off 'cause your pretty ugly right now. In fact I wonder when you weren't, I feel bad for Sora having to look at YOUR face no- YOU all day long." **

Johnny: Wow. Let's begin.

Yuri: Just a step below yo mamma.

Alice: As far as we know, this applies to Ginney as well.

Johnny: A kindergartner has better insults than that!

Shania: Hey, hey, Ginney? You forgot about how Sora was a bit rapey earlier?

**Kairi kicked Ginney's books and papers and they went flying. **

Shania (Kairi): I'll harm you!

**Ginney pants Kairi, **

Yuri: In the middle of a fight? She's either good or she cheated.

Johnny: FACEPANT!

**but she wasn't done with Kairi yet **

Alice: For it was time to re-open the torture chamber.

**she pushed Kairi off to the side and trip her into the mess of papers and books.**

Johnny (Ginney): Time to hit the books! Hehehe, I'm clever.

** "I'm not backing off." Ginney took Sora's hand and they went to 2nd period.**

* * *

Shania (Ginney): In fact, I'm running away!

"Not the worse, but not good at all." Shaina said, getting her book out. "Still, it's a good laugh."

"I agree." Johnny agreed. "I can't even imagine creating a character just to off or remove a character so my character can date another character."

"Save for you and Zonda." Shania replied.

"He was a character?"

"Oh, Johnny…"

"Enjoy it while you can!" The familiar voice of Gilbert rang through the room. "We took this time to not only remove all traces of our former unwanted guest but also check out other stories. We found plenty of bad stories to torment you with and we shall not pull any punches! For we shall drive you mad and break your will to the point where you shall join us!" He finished up with a evil laugh.

"So you also spent the months coming up with that speech?" Asked Yuri.

Gilbert remained silent.

"See you!"

"He-"

* * *

_Oh yes. Soon, we shall be enjoying some of the truly wretched stories…_


	21. Forbiden Fruit: Tempation 1

_In the not-too-distant past -_  
_Last Sunday A.D. -_  
_There was a guy named Yuri,_  
_Way too different from you or me._  
_He fought to save world many times,_  
_Alongside with his girlfriend Alice._  
_He did a good job fixing up the place,_  
_But his enemies didn't like him_  
_So they shot him into space._

_Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,_  
_Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la)._  
_He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
_And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la)._  
_Now keep in mind Yuri can't control_  
_Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)_  
_Because he used those special parts_  
_To mess with Nicolai._

_Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)_  
_Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)_  
_Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)_  
_Johnny! (How can we escape?)_  
_Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)_

_If you're wondering how they eat and breathe_  
_and other science facts (la la la),_  
_Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,_  
_I should really just relax (Really)_  
_For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"_

* * *

"Well…"

"Huh."

"Okay."

"Whatever."

The four just stood around the buzzing predictor, pondering about what the machine had just predicated. This had to be something bizarre enough to shake them, considering the last major story they tackled. What could have made the Harmonixer, the Key of Light, the Awaker and the Fusioner stop and think about what sort of monstrosity is before them?

"A Twilight story?" Asked Yuri, with a sense of dread.

"That's what it says." Alice weakly said, throwing her arms up.

"The Temptation of Edward Cullen. A Mary-Sue story, no doubt." Johnny announced, using his detective skills.

"I have a feeling we should get used to this sort of stories from now on." Shania said under her breath before returning to her book.

"Indeed you should!" Gilbert's loud hoarse voice roared over the monitor. "Theses sort of stories are the easiest to find! Just turn your head around in any fanfiction site and BOOM! You found a story featuring a unoriginal character romancing a hetero (Often turning a gay character) canon character and offing someone of the same sex as the new character. And TVTropes are more than happy to write a page about the worst!"

"You found this through My Immortal, didn't you?" Yuri meekly asked.

"Along with others for later." Gilbert crossed his hands. "Now, citizen of the Hunk of Junk, Nicolai is gone for the duration of this story on his vacation, so I now have complete control over your destiny of madness. In fact, I should lock him out and deny him the opportunity to torment his enemies!"

"He probably would like that." Johnny added.

"I'm not surprised he didn't lock you in." Shania joked. Gilbert stared for a second before leaping up and off the screen. The sounds of furiously knocking and yelling came over the monitor, before it stopped and Gilbert returned, looking more agitated than evil.

"Into the theater!" He shouted as he smashed the button.

*_Wheep* *Wheep* *Wheep*_

"MOVIE SIGN!"

* * *

**Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa).**

Yuri: Or Tara.

**I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington! **

Alice: The greyest city in the world!

**My hair is long and pale like spun gold **

Johnny: Fool's gold!

**and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. **

Shania: So she's bald and her hair is an illusion?

**My eyes are deep forgetminot blue **

Yuri: But I remember minot!

Johnny: More like forgetme!

Shania: Boo.

**and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight. **

Alice: In other words, she lives in the basement.

**I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, guys that I'm real pretty **

Johnny: Including some guy named Gerald Way.

**and look like a model or a bunny girl **

Shania: Or a mummy girl.

**(some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) **

Yuri: Her variation of 'really' is usually 2 or 3.

**but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. **

Alice: The right story!

**They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal**

Johnny: Ghosts shouldn't date the living anyway.

**and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, **

Shaina: Screw being healthy! I rather kill myself before I eat a slice of American cheese!

**but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders **

Yuri: A overinflated author who cares.

Alice: Did she imply she's faking a eating disorder?

Syl: Look, I'm against using racial stereotypes and other stereotypes, but I think the author would yell at me if I use the word black to describe a painting.

Yuri: Syl…

Syl: I'm leaving…

**(btw i'm so totally not anorexic! **

Alice: She's just 2D.

**I eat loads I just never gain weight **

Johnny: Eating a entire can of peas doesn't count as a load.

**and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, **

Shania: But not fat enough to be considered human.

**I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! **

Yuri: Well.

Alice: She's pleasant.

Johnny: Tara was too stupid to hold grudges.

Shania: Never use fanfiction to voice your revenge.

**Sorry, I'm not really such a batch **

Alice: You're just a bitch!

Shania: ALICE!

Alice: …dear god…they're winning…

Yuri: Alice, hold on!

**but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)**

Johnny: I would at least try to know her.

Shania: And I wouldn't introduce myself by throwing my own feces.

Alice: It makes sense if she was talking about herself.

**Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs**

Shania: Pfft. She's a generic anime fanservice girl.

**that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me! **

Yuri: She doesn't care about her body at all, huh?

**I have a lip ring **

Alice: It makes eating harder but makes for a interesting conservation.

**and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. **

Johnny: Despaira The Gothic Clown!

**I smell like mint and cinnamon. **

Shania: Toothpaste also works as a body wash.

**I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music!**

Yuri: And this is how you remind me,  
Of what I really am,  
This is how you remind me,  
Of what I really am!

**It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. **

Alice: They're horrible parents. They give her love and affection!

**They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family. **

Alice: Called it.

**I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much. **

Johnny: Then stop wearing the bulls-eye shirt!

**My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. **

Shania: On the account you killed her.

**I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him. **

Yuri: But what are the chances of meeting him in this story?

**Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. **

Alice: Those kind words only mean to hurt her.

**Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. **

Johnny: Maybe they're staring at your stupid rebellion of the school dress code.

**I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me. **

Shania: She's good at ignoring everything.

**I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number**

Yuri: So they could block it in advance.

**(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) **

Alice: Oh, just say asses. I know you want to!

**and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak! **

Johnny: Yeah right. She says STFU to everyone.

**Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! **

Shania: I don't care about how people look at me, but if they share a opinion I don't like, I will murder them!

**My first day I was relay board, **

Yuri: So are we.

Alice: We're a phone's operator tool?

Yuri: That's not what I meant!

**I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, **

Alice: Oh look. That cloud looks like a iron pipe.

Yuri: That one looks a sheet of metal.

Johnny: There's a metal briefcase.

Shania: There's a grey scarf.

**My teachers all looked at me disprovable **

Johnny: At the very least raise your hand.

**but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,. **

Shania: Actually, the cutbacks have forced more students on them and less pay…

**My ears are pierced four times, **

Yuri: She decided not to remove the bullets.

**I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) **

Alice: Stupid?

**on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life. **

Johnny: Can't these gothic heroines ever wear something happy, like a Hello Kitty chain?

**Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, **

Shania: Oh, why stop?

**well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl. **

Yuri: I'm a man.

Alice: I'm a baby.

Johnny: I'm actually 21.

Shania: I'm a secret agent.

**I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. **

Alice: She can talk to squirrels!

**When I sleep I hear whispers in another language **

Johnny: English.

**and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! **

Shania: Which is why I can remember all of this!

**I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes **

Yuri: Don't worry. I see Tommy Wisaeau in my dream all the time!

**and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! **

Alice: Tiana, The Girl Who Should Have Died.

**I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. **

Johnny: She's Super Moron!

Yuri: Aren't anti-lopes the slowest creature on the savanna?

**I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, **

Shania: She's so thin, the wind just carries her to the finish line!

**I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. **

Yuri: And stupid.

**The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!**

Alice: Play it backwards for a satanic message!

Johnny: Live the good life in the off world colonies!

Yuri: Be sure to drink your ovaltine!

**At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me. **

Johnny: Sadly, no one had a power level over 9000.

**It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT**

Shania: The Pyro has found the Spy! Finish him off!

**dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. **

Yuri: Pale and sexy don't belong in the same sentence.

**He was tall and mussel **

Alice: Please clam up.

Shania: …letting it slide…

**and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once **

Johnny: She should move away from the heater behind her and the air conditioning vent above her.

**as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before **

Shania: Save for the posters in her room.

**and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! **

Yuri: Twilight is forgettable?!

**A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant**

Alice: Hey, Bella summed up! Nice!

**so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. **

Johnny: Story over! Bye!

Alice: Doors won't open.

Yuri: Since when do Mary-Sues think that any man is taken?

**She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. **

Shania: She just needed a noperation.

**I figured I was maybe prettier then her. **

Yuri: Oh, you know you are. Don't try to attempt to make a character after all the crap you told about you.

**I never really saw myself as beautiful **

Alice: I viewed myself as a goddess.

**but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low. **

Johnny: So instead of the Mary Sue taking the lover interest by force, the story is going to engineer some stupid way to break up the canon couple?

Yuri: Yep. Bella is about to take a trip to Brazil and disappear into the jungle.

**So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there. **

Shania: Colin Mochrie is Mr. White in Breaking Bad.

**As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine. **

Yuri: As a passing glance.

**I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. **

Alice: Now, if only the ceiling didn't have so many light fixtures she would get there faster.

**I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!**

Johnny: POOPIE! POOPIE! POPPPPPIIE!

**"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems)**

Shania: Yes, but your anger shall bring you to greater heights in your new career as a Sith overlord!

**"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven **

Yuri: Get a mop! The female angels' clothes can be seen through!

**"please forgive me my lady"**

**It was the hawt pale guy!**

Alice: Slenderman!

**The anger faded form my sapphire eyes**

Johnny: As she looked down.

**"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride"**

Shania: I didn't mean to turn you on.

Alice: Hey, the decent grammar and spelling is gone.

**"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, **

Yuri: He's Voldermort from My Immortal! Or Tom, Vampire, Mud…whatever.

**and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.**

Alice: And stripped down to nothing.

**"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?"**

Johnny: Are thee a lad or a lass?

**"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" **

Shania: Or Brick. Your choice.

**i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! **

Yuri: The difference being?

**His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.**

Alice: Cute, but how is he different from the other guys who lusted after you?

**"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek **

Johnny: You remind of a friend who dwelled in a brothel in ye old England.

**"thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""**

Shania: Thou have the face of a repulsive, screaming reptile.

**"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.**

Yuri: As far as you know, they're good friends.

Shania: Makes more sense that way.

**"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. **

Alice: This is the second story with rape implications. What gives?

**He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! **

Johnny: Yeah, kissing. On the neck, with his sharp fangs deep in your skin…

**I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. **

Shania: Good! Kill her! One less problem to deal with!

**I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. **

Yuri: He's looking for his keys.

**He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. **

Alice: Man-n-n c-car-rrot-t?

Shania: THAT'S THE MOST HORRID THING I EVER HEARD!

**And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. **

Johnny: Doped it full of bald drugs!

**We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF**

Shania: And also thinking why he's still fully clothed.

**Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? **

Yuri: Yes!

**I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! **

Alice: But then she got over it.

**I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.**

Johnny: Down the line, she won't regret this.

**-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed**

Shania: Not until the next chapter!

**"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. **

Yuri: But mostly aroused.

**At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible! I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.**

Alice: This story is trying to make the romance more believable…but this is a Twilight fanfic. Hardly does it work.

**"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes **

Johnny: Tear gas?

**"your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?**

Shania: Are we in the same gaming league? You got your badge?

**"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)**

Yuri: How about…POLICE! HELP!

**"thy a CAMPIRE tia! **

Alice: Camp indeed!

**a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! **

Johnny: There are plenty of thoughtless people in the world, Edward.

**WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!"**

Shania: NOTHING AT AAALLLLLL!

**He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red. **

Yuri: He's actually doing vampire things!

**I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. **

Alice: At long last, Edward is doing the world a favor!

**His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick between his legs **

Johnny: And then she hit him with her front-loaded anvils!

**and he drubbed over in pan. I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me.**

Shania: FATALITY!

**"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes. **

Yuri: Don't give the fangirl a present!

**I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.**

Alice: I was suddenly blind! I couldn't see anything! I don't know why!

**"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!"**

Johnny: No, this is just stupid!

**"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body. **

Shania: He would be 'hawt' if he pooped his pants and was vomiting!

**I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire **

Yuri: But it was so racist!

**(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)**

Alice: Well, she did give 'My Immortal' a five star review and post it on the school blog.

**and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt. **

Johnny: She preferred ninja rather than pirate.

**I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. **

Shania: Don't forget to kick him.

**As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand**

Yuri: That's just a normal reaction to high school math classes.

**as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)**

Alice: it didn't glint silver or platinum! GOLD!

**then I fell over. The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. **

Johnny: Hey, isn't she wearing only her bra?

Alice: How dare a man help me up and look at my exposed bra!

**I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)**

Shania: Kung fool!

**as he gazed longingly after me. In his frickin dreams. **

Yuri: Or in about a week.

**I sat down at the back of the class unable to think **

Alice: Not actually having the ability to think in the first place.

**about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen,**

Johnny: And Jello. Who doesn't think about Jello?

**wondering what it all could mean. **

Shania: Don't get existential on us, you're Twilight!

* * *

_Shadow Hearts could use a HD collection. Seriously. Also, considering that the series, including Koudelka, has always been on the PS, I would go out and buy every copy of Playstation All-Stars if one of the characters popped up.  
_

_Kiryu Kazuma from the Yakuza series would do as well.  
_


	22. Forbiden Fruit: Tempation 2

**I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. **

Yuri: Today's porn was less interesting than yesterday's.

**I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. **

Alice: Since when can you think?

**He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! **

Johnny: Trust me, Edward likes mental cases in his women.

**But I was angry at how he had made me feel, **

Shania: But mostly horny.

**how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me **

Yuri: Is she going to burst into a song?

**and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, **

Alice: You said frick, and he's not a basement dweller like you!

**and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, **

Johnny: Great Frank is a better term than mancarrot.

**even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt. **

Shania: Bella summed up by someone who never read the book.

Johnny: I hate Edward and want him!

**But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. **

Yuri: Because if you could, this story would be good.

**Suddenly the phone range**

Alice: Meanwhile at the Old Western Ranch

**"hello "**

**"hey, is that altantiana?"**

Johnny: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

**"yah who is this?" I aksed.**

Shania: A Nigerian Prince.

Yuri: Batman.

Alice: 7 days.

Johnny: If your pizza hasn't arrived in 30 minutes…

**"its Mike nooton from your class! I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? **

Yuri: We can annoy the Quileute tribe!

**Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? – **

Alice: You want to date the girl who karate kicked a man helping her up? You into that?

**"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked**

Johnny: The ones with personality and high grades?

**"you mean bella and jessica's gang? **

Shania: Bella? The girl who thinks a friendly hug is how the Black Plague came about is a cheerleader?

**Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. And they can be mean sometimes.-"**

Yuri: The author is trying to say that all cheerleaders are all assholes and ugly, but even the people who dealt with horrible cheerleaders aren't buying this.

**"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP! **

Alice: Because they have cookies?

**and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike! Cos u think im' hot? **

Johnny: No, he's just desperate.

**Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! **

Shania: In fact, I'm butt ugly!

**And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! **

Yuri: I got problems man! Real problems! Really!

**u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!"**

Alice: You're right. Good bye!

**"I would, tia, beleive me I would! **

Johnny: I'm into murderous psychopaths!

**Your so beautiful you cant even imagine. **

Shania: The perfect white lie.

**Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe! **

Yuri: The story just admitted she's a Mary Sue!

**How can't you have noticed that? **

Alice: Vampires can't see themselves in the mirror.

**And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! **

Johnny: I'm a guy.

Yuri: Never mind, bye!

**It only maked you more interesting! **

Shania: I need a project for Psychology!

**Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! **

Yuri: Honest about…nothing, really.

**you are right to be angry with me. **

Alice: No she isn't.

**I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "**

Johnny: Can me, a hopeless puss, have a chance?

**"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was.**

Shania: If she was a internet reviewer, she would often use the phrase, 'if you don't like, don't watch.'

**"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down**

Yuri: Smile as she began to set a trap.

**but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. **

Alice: How many times is Tiana going to remember her encounter with Edward?

Shania: Until she gets to the meaning of life.

**Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen. **

Johnny: Who I hate, but think he's the best, the greatest!

**Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life **

Shania: She didn't care. Like everything else.

**and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, **

Yuri: With a bruise? That's going to a while. What you need is a saw!

**a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. **

Alice: This is would be a problem…except the story is named the Temptation of Edward Cullen, not the Temptation of Tiana!

**I creamed myself. **

Johnny: …can I become asexual?

**My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. **

Shania: We get it. You love the man, but you hate the man. Move on!

Yuri: This story somehow repeats itself and moves on with the pace of a snail.

Alice: And now she will remind the audience about the phone call!

**I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore. I was scared of the affect he had on me.**

Yuri: And he ravished me.

Alice: But I didn't like the way he touched me.

Johnny: I preferred mancabbage to mancarrot.

Shania: I then recall our encounter in the hallway…

**"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly**

Alice: Oh, and there's a slice of cheese in the fridge for you to eat!

**"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.**

Johnny: Which was weird, I thought they said those relatives were dead.

**"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!" **

Shania: Hey, I'm not your actual mom…

**"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. **

Yuri: As previously implied and stated.

**I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking.**

Alice: And a pig's head to cover my own head.

**"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!"**

Johnny: We don't like you, but we don't want to go to jail.

**"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself!**

Shania: She can burn the house down on her own!

**Marie smiles and leaves the house.**

Yuri: Through the open window.

**"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, **

Alice: His first name is Uncle?

Yuri: Thank god he married a girl named Aunt.

**he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face**

Johnny: He's Sigma?

**"Hey - i said**

**"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?"**

Shania: Wow, this guy is the dark version of us!

**"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears**

**"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly**

Yuri: I'm a villain! Go into the kitchen and get me a sandwich!

**I stood up and left to wash his car. **

Alice: With my pee.

**I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. **

Johnny: Nothing that you can handle, karate chick!

**I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. **

Shania: A Porche! The hardest car to wash in the entire world!

Johnny: Red hates water.

**He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me! **

Yuri: Dear god, he's watching her and she knows he's watching her!

Johnny: No!

**After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face**

Alice: Your feces isn't a sponge!

**"wft!" i shouted**

**He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. **

Johnny: Did a Wicked Witch write this?

**I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. **

Shania: He's a magician! He can remove underwear before the clothes.

**He touched my naked breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me!**

Yuri: Well.

Alice: ANOTHER ONE?

Johnny: This story approaches a serious manner with the care of not giving a shit!

Shania: Oh, don't worry; this won't affect the story at all! Watch!

**"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! **

Alice: …you forget please? Oh dear god…I feel horrible.

**The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. **

Johnny: Because that's the worse thing about being RAPED.

**I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. **

Shania: Remember folks, the gagging in our mouth means you're human!

**I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed.**

Yuri: Considering that the author is the main character, is it bad to hate her for being raped?

Shaina: Considering she did that to make a irritating character more sympathetic, I'll allow it.

**Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. **

Alice: Voldermort is close!

**I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. **

Johnny: You owe the department $100,000.

**I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.**

**"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-**

Shania: I'm the father, Jerry?

**"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.**

Yuri: Just open your eyes.

**I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. **

Alice: I decided that the police weren't interested in my RAPE.

**Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin! **

Johnny: Since when is a puppy boring? What kind of horrible person are you?

**None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy. **

Shania: Lady, food is interesting. You need it to live.

**My thoughts were elsewhere – **

Yuri: Here we go again!

Shania: Let's recount all the chapters twice this time!

**i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me **

Alice: Something I got over pretty fast.

**and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. **

Johnny: And I woke up in a bathroom with a bunch of bottles surrounding me.

Yuri: Well, this story is written in the style of a frequent alcoholic.

**I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry**

Shania: This is the exact same statement about Edward, only with the actual rape!

**"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. **

Yuri: You know she has cooties!

**It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything **

Alice: Bella? Moody? Quiet? NO!

**"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"**

Johnny: Right, Tiana? Right? Tiana? Where did you go?

**"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" Jessica screamed. **

Shania: She does a convincing argument. Rebuttal?

**She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes.**

Yuri: She's a android?

**"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" mike shouted**

Alice: Yeah! Underneath, all of you are ugly are sin.

**"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!**

Johnny: Thank you Captain Obvious.

**she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.**

Shania: We all think that overcompensation is funny!

**I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. **

Yuri: Not even going to attack them, or call them names? What a lame Mary Sue!

**I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste **

Alice: The beach could be cleaned of all the waste…

**I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, **

Johnny: WHY AM I SO PERFECT?

**I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. **

Shania: Then you would still be made fun of! It's high school!

Alice: My gawd, you are, like, so ugly!

Shania: If you're invisible, are you naked? Ew!

**I wasnt stuck up **

Yuri: Oh yes you are!

**and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! **

Alice: But you act like you're better than everyone by ignoring them and calling them names in your mind!

Shaina: You're not normal, you're gothic and a vampire!

**I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!**

Johnny: Except defy the laws of human growth of the body!

**-are u ok?" said someone from beside me**

Shania: FU in 3…2…1…

**"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back**

Yuri: Sorry Shania, but these are Goths, so they get a free pass!

**-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?"**

Alice: They're Legion!

Shania: Together, they have the brainpower of three cells!

**"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said**

Johnny: Let's recap the entire scene!

**"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni **

Shania: But not caring, you mean middle fingers?

**"they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities "**

Yuri: Gothic isn't a personality!

**"cool" I said, and we talked for hours**

Alice: About stuff. Just stuff.

**I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours and they were so cool. **

Johnny: She just recapped the previous sentence!

Alice: Dear god!

**I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, **

Shania: Then again, she thinks little of everyone, so this shouldn't last long.

**and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common! **

Yuri: Just stuff.

Alice: Called it or what?

**But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech. **

Alice: I guess they weren't that great of friends.

**It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again. **

Johnny: She treats it as a minor thing now!

Yuri: Like it was going to something major in the first place!

**Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.**

**"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time. Edward.**

Shania: Let's recap the previous scene with Edward!

**"what do you mean!" I demanded**

**"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, **

Yuri: I thought the girls hated her!

**and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, **

Alice: Don't you mean 'eat out'?

Shania: ALICE!

**hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck.**

Johnny: Nibble, nibble.

**"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! **

Shania: Or was it Tara? Maybe it was Stephanie?

**I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? **

Yuri: Tiana, The Girl With Two Conflicting Mindsets.

Shania: Not bipolar, this split makes no sense.

**Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone. **

Alice: Tell who? The people who you hate?

**Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, **

Johnny: Yes, the golden couple covered in rust, bird poop and beer.

**watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"**

Shania: Great! Now the story is going to recap previous chapters for everyone else!

**"OMG SWEET LADY! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed **

Yuri: It would ruin my reputation as a creepy stalker!

**"it was a moment of madness thats all! **

Alice: A moment of Twilight!

**Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me"**

Johnny: Lord Valvatorez will kick my ass if I break a promise!

**"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home **

Shania: Story over?

**but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind. **

Yuri: Get back to work!

Johnny: Let me guess…Reference to Uncle Rape?

**I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him. **

Alice: I decided to let him _rape me_.

**He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. **

Johnny: Mad I tell you!

**He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. **

Shania: He found about my…

Alice: Operation?

Shania: Dang!

**I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear. **

Yuri: It came to me in a moment of plot contrivance.

**I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts.**

Alice: I then fell over without any support.

**"have sex with me now edward " I whispered**

Johnny: Forget everything we've said and let's romp!

**" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples**

Shania: I guess Edward is into uncontrollable sex.

**"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire**

Yuri: Why, it must be true love! Only true lovers would have sex without either consenting!

**-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying.**

Alice: Before tripping over his pants and started to choke on some sand.

**I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. **

Johnny: Save for putting your clothes back on.

**I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no! **

Shania: She didn't want it and she wanted to happen?

Alice: She's a riddle in a box wrapped with enigma wrapping paper.

**I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside. **

Yuri: Take it in people! This story at the lowest point! SUCK IT DOWN! SUCK IT ALL DOWN!

Johnny: My Immortal at least was written by a complete moron, not by a insensitive jackass!

**Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep.**

Alice: She treats major problems as offhand subjects!

Shania: What else is new?

* * *

"Ladies and gentleman!" Yuri boomed over a microphone. "Today we present…RANDOM THEATER!"

"Hello!" Alice came on stage wearing a mix-up of her and Shania's clothes, with Johnny's Liberty Ghost jacket on. "I'm Clarabelle Vanity Queen Dollmaker. I hate my body for being sexy but I all want is the heart of one man…this man!" Alice welcomed on Johnny, wearing Yuri's jacket and styled his hair so a large strand of hair covered his right eye.

"Hi pathetic mortals." Solemnly said Johnny. "I'm Bob. I lived for four thousand, five hundred and sixty-nine years. I loved many a great woman, but Clara here took my heart unlike any other. But I know her secret. Her secret…as a fastfood mermaid! And then came her rival…" Shania came on stage, wearing a bikini and allowing her breasts to bounce.

"Hello~" She said "I'm Angie Boobie. I'm a cheerleader who loves sex. Clara is such a whore. I'm so much better than her." Johnny almost broke out of character watching Shaina bounce, but he kept true.

"Nice, guys, nice!" Yuri came out clapping. "Props to you Shaina, you actually did something with us!"

"Eh, felt like fun." Shania said with a bounce, this time showing off to Johnny with a sly smile. "But the fun's over. I got a headache from that stupid story." Shania then left towards her cabin.

"Me too. Besides, Johnny's jacket itches." Alice said while scratching her arm.

"Hey!"

"Here, I'm going to take a nap." Alice threw Johnny's jacket to him as she followed Shania. As the door closed, Johnny approached Yuri while fixing his hair.

"…is Alice okay?" Asked Johnny.

"Huh?"

"Surely you noticed that Alice is getting raunchier in the theater while Shania is getting cleaner, but yet Shania is actually getting involved in our projects while exposing her body, something she hates doing?" Johnny said all serious.

"…yeah. I think My Immortal and this story is starting to have a effect on them. Also…" Yuri's face soured. "We spent more time criticizing the story than making fun of it."

"We're losing our touch."

"Gilbert is going to win if we don't shape up."

"We're halfway through the story. We got some time."

"Yeah…"

* * *

_I'm going to call it. My Immortal is a bad story, but this one is a horrible story. My Immortal is written in scribbles. Forbiden Fruit is written in shit. My Immortal has a classic Mary-Sue. Forbiden Fruit has a wretched loathsome Mary-Sue. _

_It might be shorter, but Forbiden Fruit is forbidden for a reason. It's tastes like a low-brow family's trash._


	23. Forbiden Fruit: Tempation 3

"Psst."

"Psst!"

"They can hear you."

"Just checking." Johnny messed with the mic attached to his shirt. "Hello, and welcome back to the Hunk of Junk. Uhh…we have some problems going on now, but the third part of the story is coming up in a few minutes. Gilbert is letting it play on auto-execute, and he's going to check on us at the end."

"The reason why he's doing that instead of trying to menace us?" Yuri tapped his mic. "Well…"

"COME OUT!"

"That."

Yuri peeked his head out. Alice was there, but not wearing her usual clothes and doing things like she normally would. Instead, she wore something like Yuri wore during their first adventure, but mostly black-colored. She wore her hair in a long-ponytail tied with a thin rag instead of a ribbon. She was punching random things. Despite her petite size, she was dealing some major damage. Walls and other stationary objects had sizable holes in them, and the objects that could be moved, such as pots and pans, were sent flying across the room. And Alice had no intention of cleaning anything up.

"Yeah, Alice has gone down the road of destruction…just like Gilbert wanted." Yuri explained. "She wants to fight us all the time…so today's riffing will be interesting."

"And Shania…" Johnny nervously said. "She went under her own transformation."

"Oh, Alice, please calm down." Shania hopped in, wearing a ridiculous dress. Pink, pink, and more pink. A hippie dress in perfect description. Flowers adorned her hair and a unnatural smile was glued to her face. She approached Alice as she was destroying a lamp with unneeded force. "No need to…."

_WHACK_

Shania went cold to the ground from a single punch.

"Well, Alice at least is getting physically stronger." Yuri commented.

"There you are!" Alice roared. Yuri eeped like a mouse and ran off as Alice grabbed a coffee table and pursued. Johnny remained hidden until he could hear the sounds of wood cracking against bone. Johnny then leaped over the couch and picked up Shania from the ground.

"I'm fine, Mr. Garland." She said without a ounce of pain in her voice. "Violence can't hurt my peaceful spirit."

"Keep that up." Johnny said under his breath.

*_Wheep* *Wheep* *Wheep*_

"STORY SIGN!" Yuri yelled from the other room. "ARGH!" He yelled as a table leg bounced off his head and into the room where Johnny was trying to drag Shania into the theater. "COME ON ALICE!"

* * *

**It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside. **

Yuri: Tell us about it!

**My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind. **

Alice: Phantasmagoria!

**the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star. **

Johnny: It's recalling the beach scene without recalling the beach. Amazing!

**It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week **

Shania: But most importantly, I lost my ball!

**and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened. **

Yuri: You know, this story asks the question, who's fault is this?

Alice: Tiana not for telling anyone for the repeated assaults?

Johnny: Dave and Marie for not noticing the bleeding obvious?

Shania: Somehow, the story makes Uncle Rape the sensible character!

**Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him **

Alice: To the port so he wouldn't drift off to sea.

**and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass. **

Johnny: Let's recount both the hall scene and the beach scene now! Just to remind people!

**I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, **

Shania: The Legion Girls!

**who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders **

Yuri: Abbigaille is a black mage, Rochelle was the warrior, Tyfanni was the thief, and I was the white mage!

**i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard **

Alice: 'Cause I figured it would be smart, therefore stupid.

**but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways. **

Johnny: Good for you! End the story already!

**I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch**

Shania: And Edward was there, with the cheerleaders…

Alice: Fill in the rest!

**"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me**

**"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly**

Yuri: But you're going to win anyway.

Johnny: We all know it!

**"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted Abigail**

Alice: Remember that time you hummed The Ittsy Bittsy Spider?

Shania: It even went platinum, outselling Thriller!

Johnny: And then you followed it up with the burp version of McDonald's jingle!

Yuri: That was great! I remember it like was yesterday!

**"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person"**

Johnny: More than willing to launch into a rant about her beauty, but here comes Edward and a speech on how great he is!

**"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, **

Shania: We need to move the plot forward! Come on!

**"jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, **

Yuri: Shouldn't them being cheerleaders get them banned from the contest for using their routine?

Johnny: We need villains in this story!

**they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!" **

Alice: Show them true lack of talent!

**"I dunno maybe" I pimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.**

Johnny: But you will!

**Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. **

Alice: Oh, so she going to be a hero and jump on the stage and win the contest!

**The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome, they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked. **

Johnny: Yet more rule breaking that should get the cheerleaders disqualified!

**At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me. **

Shania: He's a cheater! But I hate his girlfriend and I'm jealous!

**they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream. **

Yuri: Dear god, GET OVER YOURSELF!

**The principal caked up on the stage and said**

Alice: I rather be a pie! THANK YOU!

**"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked**

Johnny: We need to have our main character win this contest!

**"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed**

Shania: Oh, that wacky vampire!

**"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.**

Yuri: Get up there and win!

**I sang total eclipse of the heart **

Alice: That's the perfect way to explain my emotions right now.

**(punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0 **

Johnny: I removed the original's emotions and replaced with AWESOMENESS!

**and everyone watched me. **

Shania: For all of two seconds before watching a rat stealing a loaf of bread.

**I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves **

Yuri: The rat was carrying a loaf four times its size! That's talent!

**(exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) **

Alice: They were going to eat that loaf, but they couldn't leave their seats.

**so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic. **

Johnny: Look! A cat ran! The rat dropped the loaf and is now fighting for his life!

Shania: I bet on the rat!

Yuri: What's that screeching sound?

**I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra**

Shania: Cheerleaders outfit sanctioned by the school are slutty but not a shirt that shows the bra of a minor? Only in the world of a Mary Sue!

**and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels. **

Yuri: While signing a song for the school talent show, it's important to list what clothes you are wearing.

Johnny: IdolAsshole!

**the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends**

Alice: THE RAT BEAT THE CAT! THE RAT BEAT THE CAT!

Shania: And he got the loaf through his hole!

Yuri: Let's give him the reward!

**"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said **

**but i was smiling**

Johnny: But, knowing her, she meant it!

**"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!"**

Shania: It was the rat! He needed someone boring to draw attention to him!

**"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " the principal screamed extatically. **

Yuri: …don't you mean predictably?

**I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao. **

Alice: I already had plans to kill them anyway!

**My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. **

Johnny: Why can't she be Colin Mochorie?

**I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous. **

Shania: Unlike me, who I only want to be normal!

**I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection **

Yuri: His mancarrot garden is going to rake in this year!

**it was so hawt and sexoy. I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.**

Alice: As they walked into the blades…

**Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. **

Johnny: It was a Cat-lliac.

Shania: That was bad!

Johnny: Thank you!

**It was ewdard!**

Shania: And Alphonse!

**"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech. **

Yuri: Just ignore the rope and the glue on the seat!

**I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite**

Alice: Ah. The famous quiet car scene from the first Twilight movie, now recreated in…this thing.

**"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight. **

Johnny: Like rich velvet cake on a cool winter day.

Yuri: Like a cold cherry popsicle during the summer carnival.

Shania: Like a peppermint after a hearty meal.

Alice: Like pooping out a bad lunch.

Yuri: DEAR GOD!

Alice: No regrets.

**You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church. **

Shania: Peeling, faded colors, and tacky.

**i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt. **

Yuri: Don't worry; the erection will come to you!

Shania: The power of cock commands you!

**"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"**

Alice: Let's just say she gone on her fall break.

**"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest"**

Johnny: A talent contest made her cry? A contest with no prize broke her down?

Yuri: By better, we mean not much.

**"how mature" I said sacastically. **

Alice: Compared to you, Ms. Anti-Beauty.

**At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face**

Johnny: You fool! You parked illegally!

**'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!" I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest **

Shania: But as a white mage, she only did one damage with each strike.

**"last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! **

Yuri: I didn't you want to have sex with you, but I begged!

Johnny: I can't decide…whenever you should live or _die_!

**I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"**

Alice: YOU'RE TEARING ME APAPRT EDWARD!

**"its complecated tiaa my lady. **

Johnny: I'm a alien from a planet where all the people have vegetable genitalia.

**Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. **

Shania: I didn't mean to turn you on.

**Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!"**

Yuri: The story finally admits the truth!

**"its me or her "i said bluntly**

Alice: Both are Renegade options.

**"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept **

**"you are going to have to!"**

Johnny: I want to use a lifeline!

**"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"**

Shania: What is your favorite color?

**"my mom dies when I was bored , I never new my father. Thats it." i said**

Yuri: That's all I ever cared.

**"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"**

Alice: I have a family and you don't. Nah nah nah!

**-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"**

**"you don't drink human blood"- he asked**

Johnny: Twilight doesn't believe in drinking blood.

**"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!"**

Shania: At least a real, happy laugh.

**i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.**

Yuri: A hundred miles away from home, and with wolves stalking behind her.

**i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! **

Alice: At least until the next chapter.

**I went home. **

Johnny: My uncle raped me again and my dinner got burnt.

**But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection and deadly cold body. **

Shania: The dead don't rise!

**i cut myself and went to sleep in tears. **

Yuri: Like in My Immortal, cutting doesn't hurt at all nor effect anything.

**Oh ewdard with your skin so white**

**Your eyes like amber out of sight**

Alice: I wish this was out of sight.

**Pale angel in my eyes**

**Hair like gold rosy sunrise-**

Johnny: Penis tall and straight as a carrot…

**I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself. **

Shania: You couldn't help it because you wanted to!

**I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. **

Yuri: You could kill him. Just saying.

**Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. **

Alice: Don't bother, the plot stopped after the second chapter!

**A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there.**

Johnny: Danny Phantom?

**"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned**

Shania: Who's got my daughter?

**"who are you?" i wispa quietly**

Yuri: Are you Santa?

**"i am your FATHER!**

Alice: Edward never told you about your real father, oh crap, I got the lines out of order!

**I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! **

Johnny: YOUR PIZZA WAS LATE SO IT'S FREE!

**Your in terror and peril my daugher! Beware the vampire boy called edward!"**

Shania: I think he's gay!

**"why?" I said**

**"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE! **

Yuri: As a member of a vampire secret society, I don't want you to be a vampire. Nope. Not at all.

**And you will never be safe! **

Alice: Internet trolls will never give you any peace!

**Only as a human can you be safe from them..." then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.**

Johnny: Oh dear, would you look at time?

**"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut! " said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth**

Shania: Don't have sex with her, you get fungi on your fun thing!

**"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. **

Yuri: And that cane he used to move around everywhere was too thin for me to grab.

**He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed . **

Alice: His grease is strong enough to pull a truck out of a swamp using a RC car!

**I new he was going to rape me again. **

Johnny: But this time, Marie and Dave had bought a tape recorder.

**But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD!**

Shania: Dear god, he hit Uncle Rape with his mancarrot!

**"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?" **

Yuri: Oh, nothing important.

**"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. **

Alice: And he burnt my dinner!

**Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me , **

Johnny: He had this third eye for that!

**and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.**

Shania: Poem? I thought it was her grocery list!

**"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" **

Yuri: To move out of this state!

**he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" **

**"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask**

Alice: He lost a bet.

**" Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly. **

Johnny: Which is why I speak like this all the damn time good lady!

**Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. **

Shania: She mostly ignored people who wanted to give her love and presents.

**I dont know watt made her change, **

Yuri: Maybe it was you?

**maybe it is mine fault, **

Alice: He admitted it!

**she just seems angry all the time now."**

Johnny: She should stop watching the Irate Gamer.

**"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.**

Shania: I don't care.

**We left the house and went to walk in the woods. **

Yuri: Hey look! The tree I climbed up with my previous girlfriend!

Alice: It's still wet!

Yuri: ALICE!

**We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. **

Alice: She talks about how ugly she was all the damn time, but when she has a normal conservation with someone who is willing to put up with her, she skips it over. Like it doesn't matter at all.

**We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic. **

Johnny: So we don't have to explain it at all!

**"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say**

Shania: That's so wise. All right, I'll do it!

**"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. **

Yuri: She says that if you went out for ice cream.

**I could not be responsable for her death! I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. **

Alice: Maybe it was the copies of Asshole Weekly?

**And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" **

Johnny: As a gentleman, I can't curse! Save for the times I have. It's the dammnest thing!

**He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.**

Shania: He broke a twig in half! It must be super-strength!

Alice: Because super-strength is the sign of a vampire, ye who doesn't believe in vampires!

**"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore **

Yuri: Sore from all slapping Edward was doing for that statement.

**"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too.**

Alice: I can see your little mancarrot!

**I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. **

Johnny: And yank! Ready for the harvest!

**We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. **

Shania: The bugs crawled up Edward's butt.

**It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. **

Yuri: Okay, can do!

Alice: More than happy!

Johnny: God, strike her down!

Shania: BANG!

**But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.**

Alice: I had sex without protection!

**"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.**

Johnny: Edward, you'll never gain experience if you keep running away!

**I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me. **

Shania: I was happy, but I then I was sad.

Alice: As the author, I didn't want me to have a moment of rest.

**i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. **

Yuri: Edward, come back and ungag her!

**But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. **

Alice: Puberty started to kick in, so my boobs could now get bigger.

**I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! **

Johnny: I forgot about information just told to me just a hour ago!

**My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! **

Shania: Vamp Contacts. The finest contacts available to vampire kind.

**I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. **

Yuri: 39 people were having sex right now in the Washington state area.

**I even wanted to drink blood!and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here**

Alice: It's a video game tutorial!

**"There you are you horrid SLUG " it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!" **

Johnny: FOR I AM UNCLE RAPE!

**Something in me snaped. **

Shania: Hopefully your neck.

**I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! **

Yuri: He's only half-empty.

**i had always ben strong for my size **

Alice: Her big boobs crushed his head!

**but now i was SUPER strong!**

Johnny: Now her breasts can crush skyscapers!

**He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead!**

Shania: Oh boy…we can go!

* * *

_One more. Just...one more. _

_I will now take suggestions for the next story to be riffed._


	24. Forbiden Fruit: Tempation 4

**I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute. **

Yuri: Back alley, again?

**I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. **

Alice: To calm myself, I took a drink of Uncle Rape's blood.

**I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly.**

Johnny: Hey, honey, thanks for the picking up tonight's dinner!

**"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness. **

Shania: Rant incoming!

**I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! **

Yuri: The glass cracked!

**I looked totally diffrent!**

Alice: I didn't have a reflection!

**For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before. **

Johnny: Before, she thought she wasn't beautiful. Now, she thinks she's prettier than before?

Alice: She never thought she was ugly. She only wanted to be special!

**My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,**

Yuri: So silver then.

**and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac. **

Alice: So the only thing that changed was she got shiny?

Shania: She actually used shampoo for once!

**I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. **

Johnny: You're just a shiny Pokémon. Nothing really special.

**My skin was even more pale than before **

Shania: And then she died from lack of vitamin D.

**and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. **

Yuri: So now she can parade around and treat people like the Mary-Sue she is!

**I was amazed. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring. **

Alice: What does it take to kill you?

**Dave answered it.**

**"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" **

Johnny: I don't need to pay taxs!"

**and he hung up**

**"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling **

Shania: That Nigerian Prince I gave all our money to was a fake!

**"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother" **

Yuri: It was inconsiderate for him to die! Who else is going to help me run my porn business?

**I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school. **

Alice: Dave and Marie shrugged, and enjoyed the afternoon drinking.

**I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist **

Johnny: A rapist and a racist? He deserved to die!

**and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him! **

Shania: A Mary-Sue who cares…whenever she feels like it.

**I was going to explode with guilt. **

Yuri: The C4 in the backpack wasn't going to help matters.

**i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear - a big panda bear! **

Alice: Oh. Hi. Have you been helped?

**it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.**

Johnny: To say the least.

**"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? **

Shania: Why bother with logic at this point? Why bother at all?

**And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused**

Yuri: Now you know how the audience feels!

**"WTF?" i screamed!**

**"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles."**

Alice: A reject from Ranma ½ has wandered into the story!

**"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiously**

Johnny: Because talking animals piss me off! I'm going to kill it!

**"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. **

Shania: So being a soulless annoyance gives you the ability to understand animals?

Johnny: Yeah. Satan loves taking souls from dog lovers. It's a personal hell!

**You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"**

Yuri: You can pull more powers out of your ass!

**"like watt?" i said**

Alice: You can force people to give the middle finger!

**"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me. **

Johnny: Ignore the poison ivy!

**I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. **

Shania: This short was rejected from Fantasia.

**The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. **

Yuri: Because flowers are the work of the devil!

Alice: A flower killed my mother!

Johnny: I wanted the tree to burn down!

Shania: Why didn't the flowers explode?

**The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. **

Alice: And pie. Everyone thinks about pie.

**then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. **

Johnny: Then I realized I was sitting in something wet.

**I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling! **

Shania: But it can't make the perfect lover.

Johnny: Damn.

**"OMG, how is this possible?" i said**

**"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol " said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,**

Yuri: I'm just the comic relief giant panda. HYU-UK!

**"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"**

Alice: Come on, let's poop in people's lawns!

**"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"**

**"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"**

Johnny: Snoofles later died from the lack of bamboo available in Washington.

**I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles. I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less. **

Shania: You never cared at all!

**in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes. **

Yuri: Thanks, I thought you were going to run around in a speedo!

**i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches **

Alice: Or like a normal person in dodgeball.

Yuri: I have a feeling that the author was bullied by the cheerleaders because she threw boogers at them, like, all the time?

**but i was dodging them at the speed of light. **

Johnny: But you're not a super-sonic man.

**Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls **

Shania: You don't need us people! There it is, in black and white!

**and I slapped her in the face.**

Yuri: With my balls!

Johnny: Letting it slide!

**"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag **

Alice: Still prettier than Tiana.

**"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever **

Johnny: Oh, I see. It's okay to call others ugly and to go on a rant about how you're not beautiful, but once you have sex with somebody's boyfriend, you're suddenly beautiful. I get it. Better than everyone else, eh?

**"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! **

Shania: Just your average high schooler.

**what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!" **

Yuri: Yay! A character who speaks the truth!

**I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. **

Alice: Great. She'll do this every time she gets jealous of someone.

**She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital. **

Johnny: She has the power of syphilis!

**I didnt look for my friends **

Shania: What friends?

**and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren. **

Yuri: Don't you mean celebrate?

**I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it. **

Alice: Nice hat!

**Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me**

Johnny: My god, spies! Spies everywhere!

**"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward. **

Shania: Hi, could you shower while I watch inside of a locker?

**i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. **

Yuri: Edward Cullen is a girl…oh, wait, we knew that.

**I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. **

Alice: All the blood seeping out was totally ruining the floor.

**He got up in a minute.**

Johnny: Plenty of time to undress him and take pictures.

**"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness. **

Shania: A bit of a white lie there.

**Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" **

Yuri: And disgusted. Mostly disgusted.

**but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft bloodand he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward**

Alice: I forgot to TeeVoo Jersey Shore!

**"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"**

Johnny: Well, then! Break out the fine wine!

**"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren " Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me**

Shania: His body was later found two days later by a boy scout group.

Yuri: Lauren later revealed the identity of her attacker.

Alice: Tiana was bought to Supreme Court by a SWAT Team.

Johnny: In a moment, the results of that trial.

**"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me **

Yuri: She's going to get away with those attacks. And she's going to party like no one ever partied before!

**"dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"**

Alice: You didn't even tip me!

**"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped**

Johnny: Forbiden Fruit: The Bipolarization of Edward Cullen

**"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me **

Shania: If you don't screw me every five seconds, I will leave you!

**and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!" **

Yuri: Oh, let me guess…Tiana.

**"I choose thee Atlantnina! **

Alice: WHAT A TWIST

**Bella is a big mean cow **

Johnny: Author's words, not Edward's.

**and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"**

Shania: Now, get kidnapped so I can get shirtless and save your life.

**He started to cry and I kissed him. **

Yuri: On the eye.

**He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, **

Alice: Shania called that.

Shania: Get a driver!

**I'd never seen anybody look so perfect. **

Johnny: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty perfect myself.

**I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear **

Shania: Which she wasn't wearing.

**and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. **

Yuri: Kissing before spanking, I see.

**He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.**

Alice: Hey, that's how I feel right now!

**"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"**

Johnny: And ever and ever and ever?

**"I does, i shall be thy mate " he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice**

Shania: Right before he burped.

**I found some handcuffs on a bench **

Yuri: Oh boy, here we go.

Alice: Hooker isn't a good cop!

Johnny: They must have entered the Otherworld!

Shania: We're entering a Kim/Shego story!

Syl: Actually, I prefer Bonnie/Monique…

Yuri: Syl…

Syl: I'm gone.

**and I tied him to a hook. **

Alice: Ah yes, this high school is well know for their meat locker!

**he was unable to move **

Johnny: Gee, I wonder why?

**and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing. **

Shania: EEW! EEW! DEAR GOD!

Alice: BRING BACK THE MANCARROT! BRING BACK THE MANCARROT!

**It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.**

Yuri: Magically _horrid._

**Sodenly a voice came from behind me**

Alice: Hurry up, other Mary Sues want to bang Edward!

**"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" **

Johnny: Dumbledore, please go back asleep.

**It was Bella Swan! **

Shania: Before she killed herself.

**I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awsome with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it. **

Yuri: That's a fire hazard!

**but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more. **

Alice: Tiana, The Girl That Didn't Give A Damn.

**Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad. **

Johnny: How dare he tried to save her life? He better kill her.

**how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? I was pissed! **

Shania: Again, Tiana.

**and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe. **

Yuri: She doesn't have emotions, she just pretends!

**So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties and i smoked some drugs and started to weep.**

Alice: Is this the prequel to My Immortal? When does she transfer?

**dave came in and made a big smiley face. **

Johnny: Her foster parents are like emoticons. Displays emotions without any real significance.

**"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick) **

Shania: He wouldn't notice if Uncle Rape was doing her!

**"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.**

Yuri: This is turning into incest!

**"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!" he said laughing a lot, **

Alice: Ah-ha! He's the main villain! He wants to benefit from Tiana's life insurance!

**and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff. **

Johnny: Actually, the last part is true.

**he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses.**

Shania: Gee…maybe we should sorry for her. After all, SHE'S TOO STUPID TO FIGURE ANYTHING OUT!

**"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" i shouted**

**at **

Yuri: A mirror.

**him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT **

Alice: She set it on a spring earlier.

**(i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!) **

Johnny: Other than the author?

**"haha, i guess your right" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin) **

Shania: Dave takes crap like this all the time.

**"its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty. i swear your even prettier than before! and i think your boobs hav grown!"**

Yuri: This is a normal conservation.

**"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said. **

Alice: CRACK! Goes the back!

**Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left. **

Johnny: Dave views everyone as a dog.

Alice: Everything makes sense!

**I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me **

Shania: Who wants to?

**that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) **

Yuri: I took some sleeping pills! I'm so hardcore!

**and went out to the local nightclub which was called Pablo NIghtmare **

Alice: The owner's kid named it.

**it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks. **

Johnny: Goth and cool don't go together.

Alice: Everyone in Forks comes here to get spooned!

**bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL! **

Shania: Well, it was located in the deepest part of the woods, hidden in a old outhouse, you have to get past a dirty naked man…

**i met snoofles on the way and he came with me. **

Yuri: Good, the club could use some more black and white!

**we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music. **

Alice: The panda started to eat the legs off the bar stools.

**ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda, **

Johnny: But mostly the latter got people's attention.

**but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.**

Shania: She's like this all the time.

**"hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" **

Yuri: And I collect dead rodents!

**said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. **

Alice: But not mellow!

**he was tall. **

Johnny: Yet small in certain parts!

**he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. **

Shania: The Wicked Witch of the East in her earlier days.

**(AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!) **

Yuri: I decided to write it down instead of removing it. Lolz!

**"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?**

Alice: The one that ever existed? Yeah, I dumped her.

**"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.**

Johnny: She died after falling down a rabbit hole!

**"what is wrong Jasper?" i said**

**"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. **

Shania: And that makes her evil!

**i am gay, and thats wrong, **

Syl: …no it ain't.

**and i feel so horible about it!" **

Yuri: But I'm too cheap to see a therapist!

**"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.**

**"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said. **

Alice: The first logical thing out her of mouth!

**"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay and everything " **

Johnny: Of course he is! He's…a…panda.

Yuri: Ssh! You'll explain the joke!

**i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back. **

Shania: Some would call it puppy love, but I call it awful.

**he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs.**

Yuri: Sounds like a mission out of Grand Theft Auto.

Johnny: Well, hope it ends with Tony blowing the hell out of this place.

**we had a relay good time **

Alice: Everyone else didn't.

**and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car **

Johnny: Okay.

Yuri: You will believe that a panda can drive!

Alice: You will also believe that this story has a pretty big ass to pull crap out of!

**at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car. **

Shania: This story got stupid all of the sudden.

Johnny: Next chapter will have a scene where Tiana will have a little lamb.

**(i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!) **

Yuri: It doesn't matter how drunk I am, I can pilot this plane! Wait, this is a plane…

Johnny: CRASH!

**but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us **

Alice: And opened his coat!

**and i had to stop the car and get out. **

Johnny: Those new ads are starting to create real problems!

**there was a man standin in the middle of the road **

Shania: Wearing a hockey goalie mask and had knives for fingers.

**he was tall and mussely **

Yuri: Oh, Mr. Clam! What are you up to?

**and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness. **

Alice: How racist.

Johnny: Darker Than Black was darker than that!

**he was good looking but he looked so angry **

Johnny: Eegah!

Yuri: Watch out for snakes!

Alice: Heh, I love that!

**i got out my samurai sword **

Shania: Katana, you weeabo twit!

**(i often have it with me!) **

Yuri: Like…right now!

**but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me, **

Alice: Mosh pit!

**there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness **

Johnny: Or like one person with twenty arms!

**and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! **

Shania: You're going to be my Christmas present wherever if you like it or not!

**Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice, **

Yuri: Or they took a lesson from Tiana and decided they didn't care.

**i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other **

Alice: They're only pretending to have sex!

**it was so cute but now was SO not the time! **

Johnny: Then when is it time?

**The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.**

Shania: She actually walked into a branch.

**when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room **

Yuri: With only a lantern and a note addressed to me from me as the only things in the room.

**and the tall mussel man was in front of me. **

Alice: Mr. Clam Teaches The First Grade! In bookstores now!

**I was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move. **

Johnny: Reminds me of a bad movie based around a bad idea.

**"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted. **

Shania: Why, I'm Guybrush Threepwood! Mighty Pirate!

**"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING!" **

Yuri: And I have grown so tired of the same old thing!

**he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!**

Alice: Crazy for low, low prices!

**"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted. **

Johnny: So this girl can tear a man apart and strike a girl down with lightning, but she can't break out of chains?

Alice: Well, how else can Edward prove his love?

**"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.**

**"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!" **

Shania: Jacob and Edward are the perfect boyfriends. Where Jacob is nice, helpful and actually cares, Edward has the perfect body.

Alice: Which most girls care only for the latter.

**he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. **

Yuri: I guess rabies shots would be weirder if you are a werewolf.

**"YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! **

Alice: I PREFER WHEAT!

**Oh my god…. YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! **

Johnny: I agree, Caps-Lock Boy!

**YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH! **

Shania: Now go away or I shall taunt a third time!

**ITS WEIRD AND WRONG **

Yuri: The story summed up in four words.

**AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! **

Alice: Actually, Bella does that to herself all the time. Not really Tiana's fault, but go ahead and blame her.

**HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!" **

Johnny: No raisins!

Shania: No cinnamon!

Yuri: No nutrients!

**This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down. **

Shania: Damn Hammer Bros!

**But something he said had caugt my attention**

Yuri: I never realized I was made of grain!

**"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.**

Alice: Actually, he was being nice.

**"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! **

Johnny: AS A PENPAL!

Alice: THEY SHOWED PICTURES OF THEIR HERMIT CRABS!

**SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! **

Shania: I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH WORDS BEGINNING WITH B!

**SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE **

Yuri: That lighter trick doesn't count.

**AND CONTROLL THE WETHER **

Alice: A weatherwoman doesn't control the weather, nuthead!

**AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! **

Shania: The lost and forgotten Disney Princess.

**SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!" **

Yuri: She was a super freak, super freaky!

Johnny: She was kinky, but not the kind you would bring home to mother.

**Of corse! It all made sense now! I was so shocked I fainted, **

Alice: So the next part I made up!

**When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! **

Johnny: This is turning into a cheap 80's horror flick!

**He was smilling in a proper creepy way **

Shania: That sort of smile is called the Stepford Smile.

Alice: Even wackos need to follow smile protocols.

**and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing**

Yuri: This story is about to croak!

**and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom. **

Alice: …sorry Jesus, but….SWEET JESUS!

Shania: BRING THE MANCARROT BACK! BRING THE MANCARROT BACK!

**he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. **

Johnny: Oh goody. Uncle Rape inspired another character to the same.

**whatt was he going to do to me! **

Yuri: Killing you would be nice.

**but sudenly before he coud **

Alice: A shot rang out!

**come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!**

Johnny: For he's a jolly good fellow…

**IT WAS EWDARD! **

Shania: THE END! Good-night everybody! Enjoy the nightmares!

* * *

"Hey…" Johnny said while pointing to Shania.

"What?" Asked Shania with a mouth filled with food in her mouth. "Can this wait? I'm starving to death for some reason."

"Shania…you're yourself again." Johnny pointing to Shania. "And look! You're wearing your sexy clothes again!"

"But I'm keeping the hippie dress." Shania munched. "But I'm dying it brown. Anyone got a large hairy cat?"

"And Alice…you stopped hitting Yuri and everything else!"

"Yes…" Alice groaned as she began to re-glue papers back into the proper books. Her hair still looked messed up, but it was back to normal. "And I got a long week ahead of me repairing this ship. And don't even bother to help me. This is me punishing myself." She picked up the pace as she finished one copy and moved onto the next.

"So things are thankfully back to normal." Yuri happily said while reading a magazine.

"How?" Johnny started to get into detective mode. "How did these two revert back to normal? Did the story ending return them back to normal?"

"Actually…" Shania swallowed before speaking again. "Watching the another half of the story was so bad it turned us back to normal. We got a double dose of bad medicine."

"Drat!" Gilbert yelled over the speaker. "I should have stopped two parts ago!"

"Well, too late Gilly!" Yuri threw the magazine at the monitor that showed Gilbert's mug. "We won this round, like we won all the other rounds! You should just give up, let us go home, give us a life-time supply of candy…"

"As if!" Gilbert yelled. "I need to find something worst! Or least fill the time with filler!"

"Till next time!"


End file.
